gossip girl (in my bed)

we were just laughing hysterically
and i'm loving my unprocessed hair for summer.

gossip girl - look i'm obsessed all of the sudden. with the resurgence of all this crap that is being remade when it was original only 15 years ago...i'm impressed with this show that no one is watching. because it goes to that place i wish 90210 and swan's crossing and fifteen would go but didn't. sex, drugs, spending daddy's money...loves it.

since i've become single again, i've been ultra busy and kept in good company. there's not one day that doesn't go by that i dont have a phone call, BBM, text or email that i need to return or answer. its expensive my lifestyle, but the 401K retrieval is going to assist in this. i've been focusing on being positive and i got a great reading at our event yesterday by the numerologist. who basically said i was like this golden child on this planet. i was born to take over something and do really well and money is going to be piled up in a spare room like that scene in "Blow". She said my spirituality is an issue for me that I fight. Its been that way since birth, I'm not a church person. But she said not to worry, I'm spiritual and I will find a place to express that later in life after I've conquered this first part, becoming self realized.

i'm out every night, so much that i have a clean apartment save for the Kilimanjaro sized pile of laundry that needs to be folded. im not lonely, i don't feel alone - i feel overwhelmed by the love and support and that makes me sort of shy.

hung out with jennifer tonight at the grove. we did the usual - our lives over dinner and drinks. she is the best, love her to pieces. i talked to her about the strange email that i was inadvertantly (or at least i want to think) cc'd on. goddamn the cc.

she is a voice of reason i can agree with and since she knew FL and had an affection for him as she lost a parent at a young age too, and felt rage like FL did and does she had plenty to say. she was surprised when i said that it was the death knell in my sympathy for him. the email content is separate issue it was the manner in which it sent (drunkenly), and in comparison to the email sent TO him by my partner in mehab, maryanne, it was ridic and just so very predictable and disappointing.

i know what to do next time (im in love) and unfortunately it means being a little less carrie/samantha and alot more charlotte/miranda. less available, less willing to be a push over and quick to forget. i identified something too, that we had to get drunk in order to relate and then we'd end up fighting. what kind of shit is that?

i gotta put my foot down and not put up with shit because my belief in LOVE is just that - a belief that for better or worse you must love someone in spite of their faults and they will love you back. plus, my all or nothing approach to matters of the heart is not a bad thing. i loved him more than i've ever loved anyone (Besides family) in my whole life. he just did it for me, all the way. and the things that bothered me most, his issues with his family (whom i felt were intrusive and judgy) and protecting me were things i constantly tried to work with him on, gave him space with and often felt were my issues.

nope, that email just proved that his issues are entirely unique to one person: him. plus again, i was embarrassed in front of someone who didn't need to know that side of him. thankfully she is a pro and its no sweat off her nose, but the moment i saw the email - like i said a few posts ago, i was horrified and sick to my stomach. then within a few days, relief. its not me - its him. i dont know where his head's at, but i know where mine is.

when we met i was in this place - freedom. freedom from feeling like i am not good enough, pretty enough or happy enough. not that he was abusive in that sense, he was very complimentary of me. but when you are in a relationship that's entirely too dependent you just start feeling like you HAVE to say those things to that person or you know what happens when its not said. as a matter of fact, i felt THAT way with the person i was casually see when i met him.

as much as i could have a comment or a great email to write in response to that fuckery i dont really have a comment. my response is simply in my being quiet. there is nothing to say, i am ME, happiness is not sunshining out of my ass, but i can think clearly about who I am. and lets just say, i wont be emailing him drunk one night reducing our relationship to a terribly tasteless joke, to a person i've never met. now its clear why my friends are telling me i seem really happy and back to my old self. im not my old self, i'm just me free of drama.

there is fun drama, like oh i got another ticket or oh there's a lizard in my bedroom WAAHH and then theres stay up till 4 in the morning and my tears are flowing and i'm tryna make it right drama. lately, if i'm up till 4am its because i'm having the time of my life.

meh.

jenn and i were pretty good about dinner, though i had 2 bellinis. she makes me laugh so hard. and we talked about sunday box office which is my favorite topic of discussion. plus she also talked about dr. retardo her ex who is on a very popular, critically lauded, ratings challenged sitcom. that's his MO. he's gross and i've met him at chateau once or twice. not a looker, but that's not her fault. she talked of how she avoided gossip blogs because of his growing popularity due to a movie he was in that sort of performed below expectations. natch. sounds like their relationship.