put your lighters up

some people go out of their way to make your life incredibly miserable.

just for the sake of hate. and they will try to destroy you and talk bad about you. manipulate situations to save themselves. they'll eat their own if it means they can maintain their agenda.

ive had so many haters in my life. i remember each and every one of them. there's felicia when i was 7, who dared attack me (and my mom) because of my name. i had to do battle with her at the richard simmons gym my mom was a member of. finally ,we came to blows and my mom was alerted in the middle of her cardio session that i had the girl with her face pinned to the wall and her arm twisted behind her back. when i was 12, there was aiesha, the ghettoslut from ingleside who called me a bitch, a sellout and whitewashed daily for two weeks while i rode home on the K in silence. 14 days in i finally got off the bus, followed her to the library and proceeded to whoop her ass. she never called me a bitch, or anything else again. when i was 14, there was ayana. she took every opportunity to mortify me for no good damn reason. she relented when i put a popsicle stick in her and she carried it with her for the better part of lunch and into the 4th period.

when i was 19, there was erica fontenot. she was of the short, squat squarebodied type. took every opportunity to insult my existence but pretended to be my best friend. when i went home with two of the hottest guys at our job @ niketown, she proceeded to tell them both I had an STD. (ed. : I DIDNT!) i still owe her a beatdown. there's the lesbian parents of one of my best friends who while an A student and an ace flutist, felt i was an incredibly bad influence because their daughter was hanging out late, dating black men and gaining an appreciation for Boyz II Men. My fault? No. The girl was a terror, I didn't even know half of the mischief she committed. 15 years later, I'm in the table of contents of the magazine I work for this week:
and she is laying in a crypt somewhere in Colma, Ca.

Murdered in a heroin bust gone bad.

Look at the picture. Its ME! That's ME!!!! and with a HOT DUDE at that.

so haters pump yo breaks...people know i dont like to hate on people who don't deserve it, my intentions are true and i am NOT, repeat, NOT malicious. I don't have time for that kind of karma. but look at what i've worked so hard for. its not just the magazine picture, that's actually not blowing my mind. its all the hard work and attempts as success I've busted my ass to achieve. Its the simple recognition in my strengths, capabilities and focus.

to every hater out there who called me names, who talked bad about me behind my back, who set up agendas to manipulate my downfall, who lied on me and made up stories, who tried to breakdown and destroy my faith: y'all can just kiss my ass.

love affair with "sex"

i am one of those people who needs to wait for the alpha version of things. i do not believe in trying things out in beta. that was the QA department is for. i didn't start watching Sex and the City until season 2. i remember it being SHOVED down our collective throats. newsweek, time, today show, EW, People, this is pre-internet folks...back when people handled paper and READ things in black and white with 256 colors. i became obsessed, 18 years old and so unlucky in everything at the time, i lived vicariously through them and wanted so badly to lead their lives, with those friends. who knew that 10 years later, i'm pretty much right there. (minus the $, but Carrie was a broke ass early on too) i've got a miranda, a samantha and a charlotte in my fold, in multiples even.

i got mono in 1998 - essentially a year long bout of i dont know what, the worst gap year any child could have. i spent days at a time in bed, reading books, eschewing television (shocker) and essentially limiting my activity to walking to the bathroom, to the car, to McDonalds and back. my action with men was limited, hadn't even been with a handful but i hated rejection, felt fat, unattractive and the biggest L7 on record. before you cough and assume that SATC saved me from the reject pile - it didn't, but it gently nudged me toward my own emotional and sexual revolution which in turn assisted in the development of my early adulthood.

i immediately deemed myself a carrie/miranda as I was optimistic about love but like Miranda, every time a man makes a move or opens his mouth he's talking sugar. Sweet, tasty, addictive - bad for you. but the CB optimism lets me fall for the good the bad and the ugly with careless abandon.

so...in honor of my favorite show on earth, the only one i still watch on repeats even though I own every season, the only show for which I've bought all the fan and table books, the only show that I have a board game for - the only show I am ok with having a movie version -here are things I've learned from SATC:

• look your best always, because of Carrie's unfortunate situation where she ended up on the cover of New York looking beat to shit, always stay prepared. you are your brand.
• a mr. big is great from time to time, but when you've got an Aidan, don't make him a Big. And if you do (like I did) expect him to bypass Big in arrogance and become a Berger. meh.
• studio apartments are cute! i wouldn't store sweaters in my stove but I put DVDs and Books in my kitchen cabinets. your home is you - decorate accordingly.
• when you move in or let a man move in with you...get a big enough apartment to fit your collective shit and dont have white furniture, in case you decide to pour coffee on him when he embarrassingly casts you out of a family outing. coffee grounds are hard to get out and take repeat washings.
• dont approach the ex-wife who is only the ex cause you were shtupping her man. even if you look hot shuttling down Lex in a newsprint mini dress.
• date your city. get to know it, find the nooks you like and cuddle there. don't begrudge its annoying tendencies, try to endear yourself to its idiosyncrasies - once you love your city, it'll love you back.
• love your friends, in good and in bad. be willing to tell them the truth, whole and nothing but and expect to hear it back. support them in their wins and losses, never judge or cause undue pressure.
• when you FALL down, flat on your face, even dressed to the nines with H. Klum about to trample you with her big German feet and former Mayor Koch following suit, get your ass RIGHT BACK UP, flash a smile and sashay up and down and off that runway.
• its ok to be obsessed with stuff - im obsessed with books, carrie is with shoes - if it makes you happy, can't be that bad...

i could go on.

most of SATC didn't sink in until my relationship started getting funky and finally ending. it makes alot of sense now and having this movie come out as i enter this next phase of life not only as a single grown ass woman but as a woman who has loved and lost love and now embarking on a more mature, successful and adventurous life filled with risk, tempation and challenges - i'm finding comfort in knowing ten years later, you can count on them to bring the LOLs and tears.

welcome back ladies.

party time. excellent.

tidbits from memorial day weekend...

its beyond last call, one sunset on sunset blvd.
sunday night before memorial day.
2 sheets to the wind...ok to drive, lets say 75% ok to drive. keep the seatbelt on, stay under 45.
trying to make it before last call to jon's bday party- what would have been the 8th event of the day.

me staring into empty bar: aw..is that it?
bouncer: yep. that's it. she left you.
me: wha?
bouncer: she left you ,she gone.
me: wha-what?
bouncer: you look like a strong confident woman.
me: IM NOT A LESBIAN!!
bouncer: (puzzled)
me: just because im wearing jeans and a sweater on a sunday night and approaching this club you think i'm a lesbian?
bouncer: Im sorry.
me: nothing to be SORRY about per se, even if I was. But I like men. Ok? If that's any of your business. I really love boys. ALOT.
bouncer: sorry ma'am.
me: AND IM NOT OLD...so don't give me the ma'am, I'm 28 years old.
bouncer: miss..
me: ok. (vision becomes slightly blurry) have a good night.

then i proceed to turn over in my shoe and nearly fall.

tip your waitress

but my hair looked AMAZING!


and I apologize if I misspell Thoryn's name, but he was a right bit hammered himself

they both were...we ALL WERE.

these DJs spun good shit

who KNEW Ocean Ave. got it crackin'

and hel-lo...

greg and i bonded over our mutual admiration for IRON MAN. the only person beside the other twos who kept me laughing hysterically was this guy. Mary Anne swears he's gay. I don't care, I dont want to kiss him!! I want to sit on the floor and build lego playhouses with him and talk about movies. newsflash: women can find men attractive and NOT want to have sex with them.



single and fabulous? o look you can see some of james' bitch wagon.

total bar rampages that night - 7
how many people did i run into - 15

there is a layer of fat that schwartz and i believe we have developed from drinking
"talk to your boy vince vaughn about that..."

oh yea and vince vaughn PLEASE stop following me.

maxim hot 100

had the pleasure of being invited this little soiree on the paramount pix lot...was last wednesday and after a jovial chat w/ mv director dave meyers and his lovely wife nicki, headed over and so it began, ran into probably 100 people, so much kissing and hugging and "lets have lunch, k?" (not to mention BBM's)that I am amazed I was up and at 'em very early the next day.

MLA scorecard

2

what?

it was a busy week.

;)

play date

i had a spontaneous playdate w/ my fauxphew jack bartkus.


this kid means business.





in the total of 3 hours we played w/ over 20 different toys and i answered the question, SOLE question "is it working?" with "No" about 30 times before it was a triumphant YES.


"How bout now?"

we built what i've endearingly called " the jack d. bartkus water park and recreational activity center"


how do Mom's do it? i remember being his age, inquisitive, into EVERYTHING but what makes him different, and something I can identify with - we love our mom's and will obey their word and then punish them for it.


he's obedient, intrigued and knows how to use a screwdriver and install batteries. a son born of a gadget gangsta. he's amazing.

a couple times he punched, for no good reason, just because. schwartz leans into him " jack, say you're sorry..." "sowwwy wynta" ugh. heartbreaking, hearing a child speak. its the most beautiful thing in the world.

and his toys...dude, schwartz has given this kid a department store to play in...


i dont even know what the hell this thing is for...


but keeping up after this kid? worked the hell out of my thighs and abs. bending down and picking up and guiding around and chasing and ohmigod dont run into the street and o lord, you're hungry for wha-wha-what?? butter noodles? and juice? jeez kid, tummy of steel. what's that? is it ready? and he's clever that one..."hey...hows it going" he asks in broken baby english as he checks up on my ace toy building skills. "goin' great JD, just fine honey"

we played tents, i couldn't squeeze into this baby tent, but when he got in and started to close it saying "ok, thanks, bye." my cold brittle heartbroken heart...pieced itself back together and restored my faith that men are born gentle, women adoring warriors.

blame video games and carbs for their downfall.

so poof, vamoose sonafabitch.

i was laying on schwartz's grass in her awesome backyard.

too many vodka's had set in w/ the balmy sun and i was totally in my head about everything.
thinking of my life so far, what i want, how to move forward, how to get past loss, how i feel about my rebirth, my social life and how does one manage it while not ruining their face (vanity) and my palms started sweating, heart palpitating. here comes schwartz with a mini ipod beatbox. "wanna hear some music, dude?" she throws on some tunes and the first song to come up is the 311 song, "all mixed up". reminds me of being 15 when i first heard this song on live 105 and being all mixed up was becoming something of a fashion for me.

literally, sitting on the grass, watching the fauxphew drive his fake lawn mower around the yard, it occurred to me the lyrics of the song...

You've got to trust your instinct, and let go of regret. You've got to bet on yourself now star 'Cause that's your best bet

So that's what I'm gonna do...

The simplicity of watching this kid, laying on the grass in a quiet neighborhood at my best friend's house, career is going great, things are shaping up nice, I lost 10 lbs. and this kid, just born not even 2 years ago - he got the biggest kick out of playing with that faux-mower while it would have held my attention for 2 seconds before I was looking for my cocktail.

these are simple pleasures, small stuff...life is great again.

So I'm trusting my instinct, letting go of regret and betting on myself.

allow me to welcome you to the
Summer of Wynter,

musings w/ mnky

adrenalynqueen (11:40:47 AM): i didn't see it yet

smrtmnky (11:57:00 AM): http://gawker.com/393001/whos-the-gay-movie-idol

adrenalynqueen (12:13:16 PM): i hate blind items

adrenalynqueen (12:13:18 PM): just tell us

adrenalynqueen (12:13:30 PM): you can show us britney's beefy vag

adrenalynqueen (12:13:37 PM): but you can't tell us who the gay drug addict is

adrenalynqueen (12:13:37 PM): fuckl

smrtmnky (12:13:53 PM): haha

smrtmnky (12:14:12 PM): one's slander and the other is just beefy vag

adrenalynqueen (12:14:19 PM): HAAAAAA

adrenalynqueen (12:14:23 PM): dont forget

adrenalynqueen (12:14:30 PM): seeing her beefy vag was slanderous to my eyes

smrtmnky (12:15:03 PM): your human rights were violated

adrenalynqueen (12:15:26 PM): ill never forget how i felt when i saw that

adrenalynqueen (12:15:32 PM): like i was being punished

smrtmnky (12:41:47 PM): got your punishment right here http://vice.typepad.com/vice_magazine/2008/05/dear-vice---dan.html#more

adrenalynqueen (12:56:39 PM): i love that there is ALWAYS a PS in letters to boyfriends

adrenalynqueen (12:56:45 PM): its so ridiculous

adrenalynqueen (12:56:52 PM): merge it into the main letter

adrenalynqueen (12:57:00 PM): i dont think any many has ever finished a letter

adrenalynqueen (12:57:03 PM): with his mind made up

adrenalynqueen (12:57:06 PM): then saw the ps and went...

adrenalynqueen (12:57:08 PM): OH...

adrenalynqueen (12:57:13 PM): WELL NOW THAT I READ THIS PART.
smrtmnky (12:581:47 PM): HAHAHAH

ive probably seen "knocked up" 43 times.

it doesn't get old.

and even though i've never been pregnant, or had babydaddy drama, i still understand the idea of getting in a relationship with someone who is your exact opposite and developing a love for that person--even though they act like a total fucking idiot.

it occurred to me as i was driving home that this shit is hard. this "living" shit. no one falls in love to imagine their break up and possible ensuing divorce proceedings. its cliche for me to say, if i knew breaking up would be this hard, i would have never fell in love.

i think that every other day.

then i thought about writing about it here, because most people cower behind the mask of a happy fancy free single life. everything is bubbly and driving w/ the top down to gwen stefani and dancing, drinking and makeovers. yea i'm doing all that. but still.

AND how crazy is it now that babies and marriage are in vogue? all these pretty pregnant celebrities just getting knocked up and then have elaborate yet hushed nuptials behind opulent manses. SO. ANNOYING. its a fashion, just like stirrups and slap bracelets it will go away and then rear its head later on in the 20-teens. it wasn't "fashionable" EVEN 2 years ago for some of these assholes to be a parent. which means in 2 years i could be all eff it and become a career super bitch devoid of carnal instinct.

whatever, that's a basic instinct for me. as important as sight.

so now i'm obsessed with getting married and starting a family. to the point that i am starting to think of out clauses in the event this doesn't happen; freezing eggs, adoption, one night stand with someone incredibly smart and hot.

who am i kidding, i will get married, i will have kids. i am thinking too far ahead because basically if i had a baby right now, i'd be so screwed.

i am not a coward when it comes to falling in love, i will do it again.

where is joe e. tata in all of this???

smrtmnky (2:23:36 PM): http://gawker.com/391797/new-90210-looks-unbearably-awfulwonderful oh no

adrenalynqueen (2:26:04 PM): this looks like a fake ad in a movie

adrenalynqueen (2:26:10 PM): so something fake inside somethign fake

adrenalynqueen (2:26:19 PM): the hot girl lives in my girl's bedroom

adrenalynqueen (2:26:25 PM): building

adrenalynqueen (2:26:27 PM): not her bedroom

adrenalynqueen (2:26:28 PM): eesh

smrtmnky (2:26:53 PM): the canadian girl?

adrenalynqueen (2:27:00 PM): annalynne mccord

adrenalynqueen (2:27:05 PM): who was on nip tuck

adrenalynqueen (2:27:05 PM): BTW

adrenalynqueen (2:27:09 PM): best comment so far

smrtmnky (2:27:12 PM): not the girl from degrassi?

adrenalynqueen (2:27:15 PM): Where the F is Joe E. Tata in all this?

adrenalynqueen (2:27:18 PM): hahahahah

adrenalynqueen (2:27:23 PM): hahahahahahahahaha

adrenalynqueen (2:27:32 PM): im just in a giggly mood cause that was so hilarious to me

smrtmnky (2:28:15 PM): never watched 90210

smrtmnky (2:28:29 PM): too fake; i liked the grounded reality and gravitas of MP

smrtmnky (2:29:38 PM): that tristan wilde guy is wayover tanned

adrenalynqueen (2:30:30 PM): ok i loved 90210

adrenalynqueen (2:30:40 PM): but only until doherty left

adrenalynqueen (2:30:45 PM): then it was TRASHTASTIC after that

adrenalynqueen (2:30:48 PM): and MP was my favorite too

adrenalynqueen (2:30:57 PM): because once locklear arrived, they go serious

adrenalynqueen (2:31:08 PM): marcia cross 4-eva

smrtmnky (2:31:23 PM): blow. shit. up

smrtmnky (2:31:32 PM): that's how you keep things fresh, nigel

adrenalynqueen (2:31:35 PM): take. off. wig.

adrenalynqueen (2:31:40 PM): reveal. big ass. scar

adrenalynqueen (2:31:54 PM): she brought the LOLs

smrtmnky (2:32:17 PM): fuck yeah

adrenalynqueen (2:32:46 PM): god bless you AND the internet

adrenalynqueen (2:33:03 PM): i remember when i saw this scene

adrenalynqueen (2:33:04 PM): i was like

adrenalynqueen (2:33:13 PM): OHHHMAHGOD

adrenalynqueen (2:33:59 PM): i love how the person who posted the video called this one of the most defining momentsi n tv history

smrtmnky (2:34:39 PM): fuck the moon landing, bitches

smrtmnky (2:36:36 PM): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69OLTzG0hQk&feature=related

smrtmnky (2:36:40 PM): not too bad, actually

smrtmnky (2:37:46 PM): seriously, she's created two of the most awesome characters in tv. and you don't think about it off the top of yourhead.

adrenalynqueen (2:37:59 PM): ill tell you

adrenalynqueen (2:38:04 PM): she called once when i worked at WMA

adrenalynqueen (2:38:11 PM): and this was like seriously...

adrenalynqueen (2:38:23 PM): between teh time she made the pilot for DH

adrenalynqueen (2:38:32 PM): which was like 9 months of time you know for them to neg and buy and whatever

adrenalynqueen (2:38:39 PM): but this was just AFTER she tested

adrenalynqueen (2:38:52 PM): and she was called like every day trying to find out what's going on with the pilot and thes cript

adrenalynqueen (2:38:59 PM): and her agent was like "i hope you get it...i really do"

adrenalynqueen (2:39:13 PM): and she was like "well..if i dont, ill just finish my degree and continue opening my practice"

adrenalynqueen (2:39:18 PM): she was going to become a psych

smrtmnky (2:39:22 PM): i know!!

adrenalynqueen (2:39:23 PM): because her career was DEAD

adrenalynqueen (2:39:33 PM): and then i saw her at OSH

smrtmnky (2:39:37 PM): which is crazy cause she was so good

adrenalynqueen (2:39:40 PM): I KNOW

adrenalynqueen (2:39:46 PM): its just weird

adrenalynqueen (2:39:50 PM): i like rooting for her

adrenalynqueen (2:39:54 PM): cause she has served me well

adrenalynqueen (2:39:57 PM): she brings the lulz

adrenalynqueen (2:40:02 PM): and i support that

smrtmnky (2:40:03 PM): i still watch DH forher

adrenalynqueen (2:40:18 PM): me too

smrtmnky (2:40:20 PM): even when it teetered on stupid, she can bring it w/o any effort

adrenalynqueen (2:40:21 PM): she was good last night

adrenalynqueen (2:40:27 PM): i mean hatcher

adrenalynqueen (2:40:29 PM): im sorry

smrtmnky (2:40:30 PM): i'm gonna watch the finale right now

adrenalynqueen (2:40:39 PM): she does NOTHING NADA ZIP ZXERO ZILCH FOR ME

smrtmnky (2:41:05 PM): hatcher's goo?

smrtmnky (2:41:08 PM): good

adrenalynqueen (2:41:49 PM): NO HATCHER SUX

pants off dance off

oh...and i was able to take take off my fat jeans without unbuttoning them.

things are looking up! a bikini in july seems very possible folks.

oh don't fret, it'll be amazing.

gossip girl (in my bed)

we were just laughing hysterically
and i'm loving my unprocessed hair for summer.

gossip girl - look i'm obsessed all of the sudden. with the resurgence of all this crap that is being remade when it was original only 15 years ago...i'm impressed with this show that no one is watching. because it goes to that place i wish 90210 and swan's crossing and fifteen would go but didn't. sex, drugs, spending daddy's money...loves it.

since i've become single again, i've been ultra busy and kept in good company. there's not one day that doesn't go by that i dont have a phone call, BBM, text or email that i need to return or answer. its expensive my lifestyle, but the 401K retrieval is going to assist in this. i've been focusing on being positive and i got a great reading at our event yesterday by the numerologist. who basically said i was like this golden child on this planet. i was born to take over something and do really well and money is going to be piled up in a spare room like that scene in "Blow". She said my spirituality is an issue for me that I fight. Its been that way since birth, I'm not a church person. But she said not to worry, I'm spiritual and I will find a place to express that later in life after I've conquered this first part, becoming self realized.

i'm out every night, so much that i have a clean apartment save for the Kilimanjaro sized pile of laundry that needs to be folded. im not lonely, i don't feel alone - i feel overwhelmed by the love and support and that makes me sort of shy.

hung out with jennifer tonight at the grove. we did the usual - our lives over dinner and drinks. she is the best, love her to pieces. i talked to her about the strange email that i was inadvertantly (or at least i want to think) cc'd on. goddamn the cc.

she is a voice of reason i can agree with and since she knew FL and had an affection for him as she lost a parent at a young age too, and felt rage like FL did and does she had plenty to say. she was surprised when i said that it was the death knell in my sympathy for him. the email content is separate issue it was the manner in which it sent (drunkenly), and in comparison to the email sent TO him by my partner in mehab, maryanne, it was ridic and just so very predictable and disappointing.

i know what to do next time (im in love) and unfortunately it means being a little less carrie/samantha and alot more charlotte/miranda. less available, less willing to be a push over and quick to forget. i identified something too, that we had to get drunk in order to relate and then we'd end up fighting. what kind of shit is that?

i gotta put my foot down and not put up with shit because my belief in LOVE is just that - a belief that for better or worse you must love someone in spite of their faults and they will love you back. plus, my all or nothing approach to matters of the heart is not a bad thing. i loved him more than i've ever loved anyone (Besides family) in my whole life. he just did it for me, all the way. and the things that bothered me most, his issues with his family (whom i felt were intrusive and judgy) and protecting me were things i constantly tried to work with him on, gave him space with and often felt were my issues.

nope, that email just proved that his issues are entirely unique to one person: him. plus again, i was embarrassed in front of someone who didn't need to know that side of him. thankfully she is a pro and its no sweat off her nose, but the moment i saw the email - like i said a few posts ago, i was horrified and sick to my stomach. then within a few days, relief. its not me - its him. i dont know where his head's at, but i know where mine is.

when we met i was in this place - freedom. freedom from feeling like i am not good enough, pretty enough or happy enough. not that he was abusive in that sense, he was very complimentary of me. but when you are in a relationship that's entirely too dependent you just start feeling like you HAVE to say those things to that person or you know what happens when its not said. as a matter of fact, i felt THAT way with the person i was casually see when i met him.

as much as i could have a comment or a great email to write in response to that fuckery i dont really have a comment. my response is simply in my being quiet. there is nothing to say, i am ME, happiness is not sunshining out of my ass, but i can think clearly about who I am. and lets just say, i wont be emailing him drunk one night reducing our relationship to a terribly tasteless joke, to a person i've never met. now its clear why my friends are telling me i seem really happy and back to my old self. im not my old self, i'm just me free of drama.

there is fun drama, like oh i got another ticket or oh there's a lizard in my bedroom WAAHH and then theres stay up till 4 in the morning and my tears are flowing and i'm tryna make it right drama. lately, if i'm up till 4am its because i'm having the time of my life.

meh.

jenn and i were pretty good about dinner, though i had 2 bellinis. she makes me laugh so hard. and we talked about sunday box office which is my favorite topic of discussion. plus she also talked about dr. retardo her ex who is on a very popular, critically lauded, ratings challenged sitcom. that's his MO. he's gross and i've met him at chateau once or twice. not a looker, but that's not her fault. she talked of how she avoided gossip blogs because of his growing popularity due to a movie he was in that sort of performed below expectations. natch. sounds like their relationship.

tom cruise died!

My beta fish I bought last year passed away sometime between yesterday and today. All I know is that I went to say good morning to him and he was face up, tail down stone cold dead.

meanwhile the other beta i inherited from a neighbor, Golum (FL named him) is floating around like tony soprano happy his arch nemesis is outro. for good.

i cried for about 4 minutes. i really loved tom cruise, i said good morning to him everyday and talked to him and he let me pet him. meanwhile that other little bastard makes no contact, hides in his weeds and i only see his ugly face when he needs to be fed. I may rename him Beowulf.

RIP Tom Cruise.

Its not lost on me that I bought you at a time that I felt an immense sense of loss, last summer and now you are up in the heavens wishing me well as I enter this new stage of life, full on independence and adulthoo.d you are swimming happily in a place where overheating wont kill a fish. I'm sorry I left the blinds open, forgive me.

work it

Kim Lyons RAWKS. she's the trainer on Biggest Loser and one of the featured trainers at out event. She kicked my ass. Today we had an event on the beach in Santa Monica to celebrate our Body & Soul issue out this week.

I got there at 9am and started my first class at 10a. It was her Lower Body Booty Camp. OMG. So fucking hard, I think the fact that so many other people were struggling too made me feel somewhat like a champion. It felt good to work out on the beach and the weather was PERFECT, 85 sunny, not a cloud, fun.

I did 3 classes in all, yoga, pilates and then Harley Pasternak who does the 5 Factor diet continued to kick my ass with circuit training and then we ran back and forth to the shore. Seriously, they were superior and the event went off w/o a hitch. Very fun

I bought her book which I'm going to fold into my fitness routine and I got to talk to her about my goals and what I find works best. She essentially told me stuff I already knew, but its her authority and the fact that she used to be 40 lbs overweight that made me think " Hmm...she has a really good point.."

Here it is...

1 - work out in the am
2- do full body strength work outs 2 times a week, split it up the other 2 days
3- 40 minutes of cardio - PERIOD.
4- and thats AFTER your strength training, which is 20-30
5- listen to your body.
6- 5-6 mini meals a day, 4-500 calories per meal or 700 one meal, blah blah you know the rest
7- set mini goals (when i told her my goal weight, she felt like it was too LOW! she said she saw me having lean muscles and focusing on strengthening my lower body while keeping my upper body and core toned)
8- for a good jumpstart? work out in the AM and PM.


my favorite quotes of her "my family has a history of depression. my sister chose pills, I chose pilates" "get off your ASS, this is why america is fat, we dont try hard enough and its one hour out of day - if you can't make time for that, think about what you make time for and if that's making you feel any better."

i was so excited to talk to her and just share my issues with getting in shape and how it feels like a neverending battle..."and it is..." she said "there are some morning i just dont want to get out of bed or do anything...i'm human" she was essentially saying that she has to bust her ass to stay in shape and she like most people want to give up. the problem is that MOST of us do give up and give in to temptation.

it blew my mind all the info she offered and she gave me her email to follow up with her. i told her that i want to take a picture just like the one above in 6 months so she can see my transformation.

"you better! i'm serious!" she offered.

encouragement. if you can't get it from the one you want it from most, there is always someone there to give you a leg up.

diversify my funds? eff that, just gimme the money...

me: i need to cash out...
rep: ok...its subject to blahblahblahblahblahblabhlavbhvlbllabh.
me: right, its losing money anyway...
rep: ok...but you realize blahblabhablabhabvlb
me: yea, so i get the check when?
rep: tuesday.
me: thank you.

i dont really care that i just cashed out my 401K to treat myself to the best summer i've never had.

you know i deserve it.

may
satc screening party
memorial day wknd - rafting

june
vegas - ali melnick's bday
big sur - jake's bday
london

july
nyc - mehab fact finding trip. (!!!) and to party w/ east coast chapter of the circle of trust.

august
outside lands 3 day fest in SF

sept
tulum/sayulita
mario & cara's wedding - mexico?

rogan at target

i had the pleasure of being invited to the rogan @ target event last night held at barney's in beverly hills. it was my favorite kind of event, booze and shopping.

i was there representing the 'zine, but i was more or less there to not think about how much people cross boundaries. i found out my boss wrote FL. i dont know why my boss is all up in my business! what possessed him to have the gumption to do that -- it made me bawl at my desk questioning whether to take my tear soaked face to the event. is nothing sacred? even the tattered dress that is my former relationship? apparently not in LA. obvi....the worst part is later that night i was cc'd on an unusual email from him to my partner. then i woke up this morning w/ a stomachache and dry mouth from anxiety- the fact that I had not felt like this in almost 2 months is telling...

RE: last night, ive found i have the most courage and conviction when i am angered and im possessed to make change (and i've had a lil' of the ol' bubbly) so i went to the event armed w/ some cash and a plan: to talk about mehab. i ran into gabby union and sanaa lathan and they remembered me from my wma days toiling under his darkness

(sidebar: still haven't decided whom i would want to play his darkness in my movie...

either



OR


)


anyway...i talked up the site...told them how the plan is for it to be like oprah.com but lighter, funnier, smarter and younger. that's the hook. it will have the functionality to do everything that site does but on a smaller more focused scale. it will celebrate beauty in all shapes and forms and champion women who are kicking ass. it will be a digi-ass kicking for women who are just not living their best life and they need to know - THIS IS IT. there is no see you next time when it comes to living. so lets just live.

sanaa and gabby were DOWN. that was music to my ears. they were SO down in fact they gave me their emails and told me to just say the word and its on. see. this is how it should be done. be passionate, talk about your projects, be sincere. i knew to whom i was bantering with, these women are my idols - i ADORE them and have done so for nearly 10 years. i let them know, you are out there representing black women and i ADMIRE you for that day in, day out. they were funny and commented about my desire for a weave, "girl just get one...get on with it" how im desperately trying to flee the gutters of hollywood and build something i can be proud of. they admitted how they are trying to hold the black community together even as they try to focus on their careers. sanaa admitted she was doing the new earth on oprah.com but then i told her "what if there was a new earth that spoke to women who were going to school, high or college and then trying to navigate transitioning from their 20's to 30's?" her eyes widened. she loved it. that made me feel amazing. i wake up everyday knowing im closer to the apex of success when i talk about it to people and how i feel like THIS is the thing i need to be doing. i'm being driven to do it. they informed me that i need to make a conscious effort to continue to move forward w/ my life and told me "girl, don't worry - you will be ok - you're beautiful, get out of this phase which wont last much longer and then proceed to just work it." we exchanged emails, they introduced me to others and talked up mehab on MY behalf.

seriously.

mena suvari, kidada jones, all were totally fascinated and excited to hear about my pet project that im turning into an empire. ran into SO many people as per usual, the DJ was great and i barely had any appetizers i was so wound up from excitement. oh and the clothes. WELL of course the clothes were fab.

rogan's

his line is clean and funky but these were basics. i grabbed up 4 shirts that totally screamed Weird Science 1985. the 80's are back...sigh...AGAIN. but its like more late 85-87. a good fashion period for me. oh and he said "i love what you are doing, we'll be in touch..." and handed me his card. so there you go. SUCCESS.

this is good.

new math

it takes half the time you were in a relationship to get over him...
- charlotte, sex and the city.

let me turn on my LOLcat: o sister - bb i haz no tymes 4 that shiite.

grey goose gotcho gurl feelin' loose...

if you're in vegas that weekend, you MAY want to be here. my girl allison is the premier promoter-ess of LA ( i used to go to her clubs back in 02 when i first landed in LA, she was TOUGH, now she's coming to my parties and i'm pulling her past the velvet rope.) i was always nice to her even if i didn't get in, but the nights i did get it, it was amazing, coming to LA from SF where I bet on being in the crowd of A-listers and having that happen opened my eyes!

i rubbed shoulders with so many celebs its important you do this as soon as you get to LA if you so desire so the starstruckness deflates the longer you are here.

look, if you live in LA you want to be around the people that do the same things you do and more...and you want to have a base, a network of people you can rely on to help you navigate and make shit happen. she makes shit happen. i can't even tell you about her latest project, its just gonna be fire. bottom line. end of story. first rule of HOLLYWOOD LIVING, be nice TO EVERYONE you never know when you'll need to deal with them again. i learned this the hard way but i've redeemed myself several times over.

now that i'm trying to get substantially good events set up for the magazine, i gotta say membership has its rewards. i've earned the right to be a VIP at her party - and i'm milking that sonofabitch like there's no tomorrow.

going to vegas w/ a comped room - which is pretty nice for a girl who doesn't do vegas - EVER - haven't been in over 8 years. i was either 19 or 20 when i last touched down. that was the saddest trip ever. we DROVE and i had NO $. never again like that.

now i've got comped room, food, vip parties, and a pool. all i need is some toned abs, thighs and a nice little tan and i'm so happy. SO SO happy.

that's my fucking a-ha moment of the day.

Trust is a drunk driver's highway, darling. TAKE THE BUS.

being a bitter betty is not a good look and it certainly makes my makeup run on occasion.

officially not bitter.

SHIA LEBOUF BACK SHOT

le sigh....

Thanks to everyone for reminding me how my taste in men makes it a total buyer's market. That doesn't really do anything for my sensitivities right now but its nice to know that there is a supply that can meet my demands.

Too soon.

Meanwhile how much am I loving Madge's new album. A whole lot.

return of the only song i sang all summer of 2005

the remix.

more tales from the City

its 2am, i'm dancing w/ like 20 hot sweaty people while sandwiched between 2 gays in the living room of the house party, to Trans DF Express by Dungeon Family, with volume on blast at 20 - and everyone knew the words: "i'm sharing my spaghetti with...the lady and the tramp, the mystery, the myth..."

-

going to badlands in castro w/ smrtmnky and hearing every remixed version of a popular female solo artist or female hip-hop duos song while watching all the daddy's and bears dancing their ASSES off.

going to yoshi's and complaining to my younger sister. who is growing up to be quite a wise young lady.

the seven layer dip at the post cinco de mayo party

me: i've been to this house before!
jh: i probably ditched you here
me: you probably did!

seeing common at the airport as he serenely watched the celtics versus the cavs.

open your golden gate

revelations

i simply love the SF crew. they are just absolutely the best friends a girl could ever have and they make coming home very fun.

house parties rule - just nice to not have to pay for cocktails and then there's the promise of some sort of dip.

sunday breakfasts w/ the crew is always such a fun and interesting situation. its the extension of the walk of shame minus all the dirtiness that comes with it.

sunday afternoon at zeitgeist

the boys will never (EVER) let me forget about the time that i puked at some dot com (former) millionaire's house on potrero hill in '02. not only in his house, but his closet, his bathroom wastebasket and kitchen floor then proceeded to spill his dog food all over the entry to the front door. then i vomited outside on his sidewalk. you're welcome.

they also won't let me forget just how terrible i am at managing my time. actually NO ONE will stop reminding me how bad my time management skills are.

print your flight itinerary. and check it. and be on time for your flight. and don't bring hair gel.

hair gel seems to REALLY piss TSA off.

there is a tranny now manning the LAX southwest baggage check area. and shim looks like buffalo bill

precious

dont ever try to just stop by your hometown and not expect to have to put in WORK w/ the parentals.

i never go anywhere when im out in SF but three places downtown, mission district, and castro.

happy mother's day mommy.