songs i adore and now they REALLY mean something: vol 1

there's more to life than this
bjork

come on girl
let's sneak out of this party
it's getting boring
there's more to life than this
it's still early morning
we could go down to the harbour
and jump between the boats
and see the sun come up

we could nick a boat
and sneak off to this island
i could bring my little ghettoblaster
there's more to life than this
but we'd have to rush back
to the towns best baker
to get the first bread of the morning
there's more to life than this

monday bloody monday

1. woke up with a boot, NATCH ( i saw that coming and planned accordingly though)
   
2. woke up to the sound of a LIZARD shuffling around under my couch, NATCH.
3. window broke on passenger side car door, NATCH.

not freaking out. UN-NATCH.

look, a lizard will make you cry your eyes out when you weren't expect it to just be HANGING out in your studio. not enough room for me and geico so i had to do him in...RIP.

if FL was there, he would have freaked out too, so its not that i needed a man to help me sort this shit, it was more like i wish there was someone else w/ me at that moment who would have helped me through it. what is that, co-dependency? neediness? i dont know, no woman wants to battle a beast solo. seriously.

but im proud of myself for NOT freaking out. just taking each task by the horns and getting it sorted. i did and everything is great now, car purrs like a kitten, all my tickets I paid with my emergency credit card and the lizard is dead. I'm the lady of the flies.

i can only do what i can do and thats make arrangements and pray. the lord is on my side, he's simply calling attention to the following:

i need to...
1 - STOP GETTING FUCKING TICKETS. just stop it already. clean slate now, but get it together.
2 - clean my apartment! i can't have creepy shit taking up space, the apartment is not big enough to contain my fear or anxiety. im going to put shit into a suitcase and latch it up.
3 - save more money, spend less cash on bullshit.

if i can keep up this momentum....well possibilities are endless.

lmao

saw chris rock last night at the gibson in universal studios. lets talk about why this was a coup and a half. first, i poorly planned for this event. i wanted to buy tickets, forgot, then remembered then forgot again. remembered this past wednesday and found some but left CC at home, remembered thursday but the person i was to buy them with was out of the office, remembered friday and NO TICKETS. well duh, the show was that night. why would there be more left. he's like the best comedian around. get your shit together wyn.

i stick my bottom lip out for the remainder of the day. the best way to settle this week from work-hell and hangover central ( i mean i went out 4 times this week!) is to LOL. i convinced ryan to come with me to the gibson box office and just go for it. my live nation insider GUY said he just sent the list over and there were no seats left. i feel like he was lying. either way, fuck it.

we arrived at 745 and kept repeating "its just mario joyner" since we knew he was opening. i got to the box office and watched this guy haggling the box office agent. ugh, i bet there are no tickets, i mumbled. but i stood patiently and finally he motioned to me... "sir? any tickets left?" singles or two? "well two" and there it was, 2 tickets left out of the whole show.

WORD.

$61.00, hundreds left than what was being advertised on CL or the brokers. you know what? fuck those guys. optimism folks wins all. i knew i was meant to see that show. and boy was he hilarious. this guy is spot on all the time and he knows whats annoying right now and finds it and pokes at it like a toddler discovering her wee wee or vag. he just goes there and is not afraid to freak out the room. he did a couple times. i love how he doesn't repeat and he will make fun of himself with pleasure. he's just a funny guy and i need to see someone being funny and real.
the douches that sat in front of us, were grade A 100% douches. totally drunk and acting BE-YOND obnoxious. kissing and fondling and sexual gestures, drinking beer out of plastic guitars, GET OUT OF HERE with all that.

i cannot repeat his jokes or replicate his delivery - you know his signature style so imagine him ranting about the current state of: politics, the government, black women and men, white women and men, his life, his wife and kids and racism. yep, he's ridiculously hilarious.
see this show if it comes to a town near you, chris rock is arguably one of my top 5 favorite comedians and I'm mildly attracted to him. its because he's an Aquarius, MAYBE, and because he's incredibly knowledgeable about people's idiosyncratic behavior. god bless him, he made my friday.

went to the chateau later on and it was dead, which is the way i like it. one french martini w/ james and ryan and some fries and calamari (BAD) and i was in bed by 2a. overall, good night.

boost. mobile.

ive been so dedicated to this blackberry. i can't rip myself apart from it, so LAME. ive become that person.

madonna says she's sleeps w/ hers.


i signed up for twitter at the urgence of schwartz, she just insisted i use it. whatever, fine. so like every other web app 2.0 they always want to make sure you find out who else is using it (i.e., spread the word) as I looked up what other f(r)iends in my tech circle on gmail have it, i see that FL has signed up as well.

of course he would. why does his digital footprint have to cross paths w/ mine? he would never use this stuff before knowing me. i dont KNOW that but i'm going to assume it. i didn't add him, or look at his twitter. i am proud of not being psycho like that. i am fine doing what i am doing right now and that's being single w/o pining for him.

its what it is.

therapeutic jeans

believe it or not, even thought most of what i write here is drivel. its been very therapeutic for me. 22 Days since FL left. In those 22 days I've become a wee bit ornery, anxious and obsessive but in the right way. preventing a breakdown is about all i can do right now and i think im doing just fine. low-profile while focusing on work and me-self. i'm still funny, engaging and overall content, but i'm not happy about stuff when it comes to him and while i can look at the pix i left up of us just for the sake that i dont want to bury the boy, i can't help but get a little pissed off at him.

after a glorious nap, i went to the gym last night at 930 and think this is something i could get used to pending i dont have another engagement.

its not a secret that when i get depressed, i pig out. i let myself pig out a little after he left but got serious around the 11th of this month. already i notice a difference.

this makes me love my body and i can't even believe i am writing that. i love how it contours and my hips are very sexual and womanly. another 3 inches off of them and they are perfect. i love my legs, how they are long and when they get toned it looks like a loose bow. i like my shoulders how they become defined and broad and strong. my waist nips in slowly but sure and gets very tiny, i can wear a six waist now. scared that i go down anymore my waist will be really tiny. that look sort of scares me. i do hate the stares and looks when my body gets in shape. its the way my gf jenn described seeing jessica biel walking her dog in brentwood "her ass is like its own universe" that's hot to me, not for her. I love it! i want that back back

more good news...i fucking love my house of dereon jeans that i got from ross. i wish i could find them again, i want 2 more pairs. they fit my body perfectly.

tonight, going to the kanye west after party, can't make the show at the nokia theatre. BUMMED about the show, STOKED about the party. its back at goa. i said i'd never step foot in there again and i'm hoping i dont have to say that twice after tonight. i'll go to the gym after work, put in some hardcore cardio and a mini full body work out, back home, rest a bit, shower, do my hair, makeup, outfit which is very cute, very ashlee simpson, then out the door to meet james who's my date for the night. he's become a good companion to have as your wingman.

thank god goa is like 5 minutes away. thank god my throat hurts a bit so i can't drink that much. thank god tomorrow is wednesday. and thank god i did my taxes. oh god, heres more...

i am beginning to see clearly now. perspective. i miss him, i totally do but he was getting on my nerves with his actions and all i could do was punch him or cry. no other choice. once it gets to the point where you feel you've done SO much for that person and they feel the same but yet no one can agree, its a nightmare. i feel better, im glad im so busy and focused. i can't think about anything else but being a survivor and not a victim.

stratus-phere

the event did not go off without a hitch. it was downright embarrassing what happened to some of our attendees. i would suggest you avoid GOA like the plague. that place is ridiculous and i didn't have a good feeling about it there even AFTER the walkthrough. LAME. like any other club in LA and I've been to almost all of them. Nothing changes with these places, they cater to the lamest people on earth and they all happen to live in the LA proper.

what did i learn? not to trust superiors. my boss simply proved his mediocrity. the other boss just proved he wrote a check his ass couldnt cash. i will spare the details, it was pfft.

saturday, i got busy and did some springish cleaning, got my car details, washed my slipcover and clothes. then i got invited to a house party in the hills. perfect. there was a shuttle that would take us up yonder to the manse. party bracelets were necessary. i invited james and ryan to come with me.

we got there and our names weren't on the list. we immediately fixed that situation with a call to tara from motley bird. soon we were in a town car up to the party where I met up with maryanne and ki-moon. it was lame but the booze was free. the crowd wasn't packed but we liked the people watching aspect. soon kev and austin were with us. austin had latched himself onto a beat up coke user who looked like samantha jones w/ no plastic surgery and a heidi klum haircut. kev called her the BFG. yes he pulled out a Roald Dahl reference for her. I was deemed the Margarita Queen by the Margarita King and then met up with the Stratus owners. Lunch sometime this week is set with them about coverage of their events.

paris rolled up, and beckham was supposed to be there but these "Beckham's" were clearly look a likes. we got bored and decided to head home. we drank all night which means i climbed into bed with my sausage croissant, hash browns and oj as the son rose. i haven't done that in so long.

lots of thoughts about FL, especially on Sunday. he would have hated the weekend I had. And for that I am totally annoyed. why did he hate my lifestyle so much. what is so wrong about dancing, drinking a bit, meeting people who enjoy the same things you do and hearing good music. what was he put off by? the dress code? the annoying hollywood vibe? after awhile you get past that...he never could hang or get down with it. he wouldn't fight it, he would tolerate it and pull it out as ammo later about how different we were.

i spent plenty of nights at home with him not being out. i can say in the last month since he left, i've been out ALOT. and I've met alot of people. and i'm going to keep rocking it regardless.

lights, camera, action...

my sister is snoring on the couch.
i just bristled and cooed simultaneously at my Mom for announcing her love for me.
she doesn't emote so gently very often.
and im nervous as shit about our event tomorrow night.
ugh.

i've had words with so many people. had to bribe, persuade and deny so much shit. i mean, the world of gossip is simply the definition of the word gossip

chitchat: light informal conversation for social occasions

dish the dirt: wag one's tongue; speak about others and reveal secrets or intimacies; "She won't dish the dirt"

a report (often malicious) about the behavior of other people; "the divorce caused much gossip"

a person given to gossiping and divulging personal information about others

chew the fat: talk socially without exchanging too much information; "the men were sitting in the cafe and shooting the breeze"
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Gossip consists of casual or idle talk of any sort, sometimes (but not always) slanderous and/or devoted to discussing others. Compare ''''.

chew on that. um, im most excited to party with my friends cat, james, josh and vee. long time crew. LOVE those folks. not one thing could really take that away. its sort of brilliant all the shit we've been through. we're just friends, nothing changes, nothing stays the same.

alot of chatter today anywhoo about the people set to attend. celebs, non celebs we shall see but i'm excited for this to happen. finally. ive snapped on so many people lately but in this way that is only met with understanding. and the fact that i'm a woman coming unglued.

best part of waking up

i woke up this morning and did my usual routine. rushed at a slow pace.

i smoked a cig out back on my mini-patio, its really a cube of cement and then a fence. i watched this woman across the street and she absolutely fascinates me. she's absurd. here's why...

she had a sign on her front door that said

"no weirdos, freaks, gang members or faggots"

then some American flags drawn in crayon and "thank you! "

and i thought, bitch are you serious? that's about the rudest thing ever. this is not lynchburgh, va - this is not the deep south you are in california on a block that used to be owned by the 18th Street Gang. They will shank you, period and I'd let them. who DOES that? its 2008 you live in a neighborhood with gays, trannies, ethnic folks and the like, if you dont like it, please get the fuck out of here.

i hate that type of dissension. the kind that people impose on others. i dont feel oppressed when i see her tired ass sign, i feel sorry for her. are you that concerned? really? cause CL and westside rentals are filled to the brim with open vacancies in an area that won't drive you mad. it was very taxi driver of her to put up that sign and i get that, but it does her no favors. now im just waiting for her to go 5150.

i spent too much time pondering her, giving myself emphysema and i need to make smoothies, lay out my clothes the night before and take a good shower. not focus on negative energy so soon first thing. i do thank the sun. and thank awakening. its a beautiful thing to wake up everyday.

im planning this event for the magazine and its stressful. no money, means everybody in your business. but its also keeping my mind off of FL. though i had a dream about him last night. actually, he's been piercing my astral world with his energy. he'd love that i'm even talking about that.

last week, i awoke to what i thought with complete certainty, was him calling my name
"Wynter. Wyn!" I heard. Ugh, that killed. last night, i dreamed that he was with me walking and then i was joined by my ex from way back.

his energy is missing from my life but not like its lost. he's just not here. because it was so abrupt, i guess to me, to go from talking everyday to not talking at all, i feel like it was a band-aid that was ripped off. but because it had to be done, i guess im just dealing anyway i can by not thinking about it so much. contrary to what is written in the blog, day to day i dont obsess over him, there is nothing to be done.

the only thing im working on now, is letting go of regret and thoughts of failure. we had an amazing relationship and it brought alot out of me, I got over repressed sexual energy, feeling unfeminine, thinking i'll never fall in love. dude, i got to be in love! like the real mushy, movie thing. and it was real.

how great is that! if your relationship fails, women should rejoice in being in love, its a wonderful thing. even if it fails - you were one of the ones who got to do it! isn't that something? its a lot!

that is unless he was a douche. then i can't help you, the signs were all there you just didn't know it. thats another blog topic.

songs i hate and now they mean something: vol 1.

When You Were Young
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now ... here he comes!

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

Can we climb this mountain
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go

We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane that started turning
When you were young
When you were young

And sometimes you close your eyes
and see the place where you used to live
When you were young

They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young
(He talks like a gentlemen, like you imagined when)
When you were young

I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But more than you'll ever know

best of the rest

most blogs about women, who are single, and in their 20's. are full of dating recaps, girl's night outs and sex.

the before and latter minus the girls night out is not what yer gonna see for the near future. i say near because my desire is to bounce out of this fucking pool of despair very soon. and i will.

i went out with schwartz yesterday and had a blast with her and her baby son, jack as usual. we have been friends for almost 10 years. we've had one major fight in that entire time. friendship is something i dont take likely and i have learned the real importance as i've grown older. recently an old friend came back into my life. i hadn't seen her in over a year and when i sat down at Urth Cafe on Melrose to have a tea with her before rushing to a dinner with some PR friends of mine, i have to tell you that it was refreshing. seeing someone after a long time where there was no conversation i was happy to see her. the story is not worth repeating, she made a decision the rest of the mean girls didn't agree with. it was childish and motivated by selfishness, our actions. she was a selfish person once, she knows.

a year is a long time, and it reminded me of what would or could happen if i sat down w/ FL a year from now. its not the same, she was never my lover but the moment we sat down we talked and laughed like no more than a day had passed since we last saw each other. it was brilliant! we'll call her Lala. Lala and I spent the next hour of our meeting talking about the next stage of our relationship. designating wha boundaries we would set up. i saw maturity and fear in her - she doesn't want to be burned again. she still cares about our relationship but what touched me most was how she said she relied on our relationship for support and its because of who i am. when i changed my position in her eyes she felt torn and hurt. i get that and i understood. it made me realize how our words cut like a knife. she never forgot the words that made her decide not to be my friend anymore. and i hadn't even pinpointed what it could have been. more than ever its important to be present and focused. that's just the way its gotta be.

i can't imagine sitting down w/ FL for now and feeling healed. (Lala mentioned she wasn't all the way healed herself) i would still feel like everything that we've been through hurts my heart. last night i hung out with my friend jennifer and she's just so much fun. she's really smart, her opinion always valid she listens to me and calls me on my shit. i appreciate that. i debuted my skinny margarita. had not had that before and it was delish. i learned about it from my favorite guilty pleasure - "real housewives of new york" and bethenny frankel who is a healthy cooking chef.

here she is making it...its SO good. it tastes JUST like a margarita and its supposedly HALF the calories.

Bethenny's Skinny Margarita: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHtrFXb1s40

This is what I did last night at Pink Taco with Jenn, I ordered tequilla, soda water, Rose's lime juice, that's it. It was delicious.

Here's to a skinny summer. Hopefully, you know not if i keep each nachos.

break up guide

i bought a couple books. felt too cheesy buying one solely on getting over break ups. i dont need to know women are from mars and the rest of that bullshit. i went to bodhi tree and that just angered me.

there it was in black and white in about 5 books, aquarius women and scorpio men are just not compatible. ha. thanks. one book even dared to show couples of the same equation, ashton and demi, julia and danny moder. except the men are the aquas.

here's a link I found which sums up the tragedy...

COUPLED-UP THEY ARE . . . out of breath trying to make this relationship work.These two signs are "square" each other which makes getting along a bit challenging.

that fucking sucks.

i dont even want to believe it but the stars, dem dey don't lie. we were doomed from the start. so much so different. i'm loud, he's quiet. i'm social, he's not. i feel too deep, he touches the surface. i hate his friends, he hates mine.

but the inner mechanisms of why people are attracted to each other can't be denied either. we did get along MOST of the time, we did enjoy each other's friends MOST of the time, I didn't have an opinion about his friends (who were mostly his family) because I didn't hang out with them and made a choice not to because he was so weird. and he was WEIRD about it because he'd never done it before.

if you started doing something, ANYTHING for the first time there is no telling what the outcome of your actions would be. but I was so stunned from how badly the family outings were that I simply shutdown and refused and did not push the issue.

its fine. i dont plan on kicking it with them losers anytime soon. thank god for that.

the main event

i haven't heard from FL nor do I plan to.

i guess i'm still numb to the whole thing. i broke down a little on saturday. the fact that i woke on saturday without having him in my life. i'd been going to work everyday forcing a smile that eventually became real. then saturday arrived and i was beside myself. i miss him alot. i miss his voice and his quirky behavior. he was a strange bird.

im trying to get up the energy to go to the fucking gym. its three block away, you'd think i could make that happen and i can't do it. its so pathetic. i can't conjure an excuse to why i'm not there now. the LA cold has been especially bitter and nippy and walking up there alone is not what I'm afraid of, its just walking up there past his house. we eventually lived 4 blocks apart which was a blessing and a curse. it was fun because seeing each other had become so much easier and less drama than if we lived together. but the curse was if he wasn't having any of it, he'd bolt in a heartbeat and make me suffer. leaving a trail of his bratty energy all over my LR floor.
he helped me outfit the apartment with shelves, and he bought me other little accoutrement's to accessorize the bungalow. i asked God to give me my own place in 2008 and I got it and I still dont believe it. I asked for a bungalow and got one.

the best part about the breakup is living alone. i can dwell in it without judgment. without the pesky questions from roommates who only HALF care about your life, they are just waiting to talk about themselves. i can listen to sad ass music for hours on end without comment. i can shuffle around the house miserable and not pose as if i was shooting sunshine out my ass.
the downside is that i'm lonely. i miss his companionship and laughing about stupid stuff.

the question is do i miss the newness of the beginning part of our relationship or the memory of him or him?

i know that i have to hurry up and digest that bitter pill because its making me lack a personality. and i'm big on personality.

57 Things About Me

1. I was born in San Francisco.
2. I've lived in LA twice. I first lived in Inglewood, CA from 1983-1986(age 3 to 6) and consider that period one of the most interesting in my life.
3. I burned my sister when I was 7 with a cup of noodles and my mom kicked my ass.
4. I've never been pregnant
5. I don't have a great relationship with my extended family on both sides.
6. This bothers me a great deal and is of no fault of my own.
7. I taught myself to read and write faster than my parents could teach me. The TV helped.
8. I didn't know my times tables until middle school
9. I hated school and spent most days not paying attention
10. I always did well on finals and tests.
11. Creativity is in my blood.
12. I've met all of my childhood crushes except Michael J. Fox
13. I have taught myself how to do almost everything I’m good at (using books and the web). Including drawing and graphic art, HTML and CSS, knitting, spinning, crocheting, soapmaking and other miscellaneous crafts.
14. I believe that gays and lesbians have every right to live, love and marry just like straight people do. Your sexual preference has absolutely no bearing on my opinion of you.
15. I am a very open-minded person and respect a persons right to live however they want to, so long as you do not hurt another person in doing so.
16. I pity those who put down others based on their personal beliefs, and I can not respect those who attempt to force their beliefs on others. Particularly vicious PETA members and bible thumpers, conservatives...even some liberals.
17. I can't wait to have kids so I can teach them to be great human beings and to respect others regardless of sex, race, religion, disability, sexuality, how they look, or how they dress.
18. I watched my aunt go through her bi-polar fits and thought it was normal.
19. I've been late to work several times because I was busy having sex with my ex-boyfriend.
20. I don't get shitfaced, and I haven't been shitfaced since I was 23.
21. I spent 5 days in jail for punching a cop,
22. My charges were dropped to a misdemeanor on the 4th day, i had to do 180 hours of community service.
23. I have one tattoo on my forearm that is terrible - it says "Seek and Destroy" in courier font.
24. I think I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.
25. I don’t care if someone doesn’t like me. There are people I don’t like too.
26. I'm a nerd. I love science and technology.
27. I was excited when I bought my Audi, but the cost of gas has made me lose that loving feeling.
28. I dont listen to voice mails from people I do and don't know. I only check my vm to free up the space.
29. I've been to almost every state in the US.
30. I love to read, but I can not stand wasting time by just reading.
31. I already have all my baby names picked out: Maisie, Avocette, Sebastian, Oliver, and Atherton
32. I started washing and cleaning when I was 4. My Dad and grandparents were adamant about cleaning.
33. I dont like folding or washing clothes period and its my most hated task.
34. I live out of my car if I can help it.
35. I dont get jealous of people - I dont want what other people HAVE, i want it for myself in my own way.
36. I hate my body and have hated it for so long I don't remember when I loved it.
37. I use my favorite sad songs to push tears to the surface if I can't muster them.
38. I can hide it when I dont respect/or lose respect for someone.
39. I hate when people think something about me that couldn't be further from the truth yet I dont have to desire to prove otherwise
40. I am afraid of failure not success.
41. Hanging out with my exes lets me know that I did something right if they are my ex.
42. I believe anytime a man opens his mouth he is lying.
43. I sucked my thumb until I was 7, I stopped when my mom took me to a hypnotist.
44. I believe that hypnotist left my chakras open to take in negative energy. I am going to find one to close them.
45. I believe I am psychic and have had several premonitions.
46. But I believe more in my intuition.
47. I'm obsessed with the internet.
48. I hate snails, insect eggs and moths more than spiders.
49. I am not afraid of the RIAA. I spent so much money on music going up I feel entitled.
50. I only pay for music from artists I'm huge fans of: Madonna, Bjork, Radiohead, Kanye...a few more.
51. I only drink beer if that's ALL you have.
52. I've seen Evil Dead, Dumb & Dumber, Friday, Don't Be A Menace, Picture Perfect, and All About Eve over 30 times.
53. I dream about being thin.
54. I grew up gangly and weird, then my ass popped and thighs came after.
55. I was embarrassed by my curves growing up and I regret that.
56. I had my first orgasm when I was 4.
57. I got into trouble alot growing up for being a busybody and know it all.

the lady in red is back to black

its not a sob story. we should have never moved in together.

the story in between when we met and when we fell apart and when he moved to argentina is not important. at least not important enough for a full recap here and now. he left because status quo wasn't enough and frankly it wasn't enough for me either.

incidentally, coulda, shoulda, woulda is my favorite sex and the city episode.

we should have lived apart, spent less time together and more time dealing with our selves.

i didn't really discuss living with him w/ others. i didn't want many people's opinions on how i lead my life and when i did tell people, they didn't have much to offer in terms of advice, just a resounding "dont do it".

what does that mean? give me more information, don't hold back. but no one could really put into words what it meant to live with someone w/o confirmation that this person will love you till the end of days. and if it that person does in fact love you, till the end of days, that they will continue to want to watch you take a piss, or pick your nose, wear your worst rags. i got so little accomplished living with FL. everyday felt bizarre. detached.

it was the worst decision in hindsight. we simply were not ready. i hadn't really felt settled at my job, i didn't love my job. he was unsure about his own. i wasn't on the lease. we had too much furniture and an enormous television that felt like a 3rd roommate, really i had too much stuff and it overwhelmed him. i was domesticated but not overly fussy but i felt like he should share how he felt and he could do that whenever he wanted.

what did it mean for me though? what did i want?

a mortgage, marriage and a baby. two babies. four at the most.

im not getting tht anytime soon and im ok with that. for now.

i miss FL, i wish him love and luck and happiness. such an awesome soul, i know this is best.

goal oriented.

i wanted this blog to be mostly about focusing on my mental health and weight loss. whatever discussed in between is just fodder and bitchy chat. hard for me to feel bitchy when i discuss FL so until we meet again he's not going to be as huge a topic as the breakup itself. his name, aura, spirit and energy has enveloped me for nearly three years...now its back to me.

my goals, while vast and wide have to be honed for sake of content and interest...

my goal weight is 145. it was 150 but i thoght that was a cop out and too close to being almost 200. that sounds warped and fucked but in my head i dont want to be under the hump.

ideally i'd like to have th, this sounds fucked but who the fuck cares, a woman needs inspiration and goddammit i work in an industry that judges people. i finally came to the decision that i am being judged.

like today, i went to work in sweats. the fact that my pants were $100 james perse lounge sweats and a SPARKLE MOTION shirt. google it. i think that i am cool for this.

ok sparkle motion is a reference from donnie darko.

that night

i rolled my eyes and took his business card. as i sauntered off, swinging my ass, he pushed it knee into my butt. Considering the way he looked, all dejected, wasted, glassy eyed behind his eyeglasses, torn flannel ,raver jeans and white tennis shoes that were now yellowish, i did not expect that gesture. i looked back at him. no shit eating grin, no lewd and lascivious theatrics, just his eyes right into mine and a sheepish half smile.

our date was one week later. it was strange, and exciting and i was my best fake self. i was overly confident, talkative and excited about life. i was zesty about life. he met me at my house, and he was nervous. we ate a terrible salad and he took videos and pictures of me when i wasn't looking. later i'd see them on his computer, me posing so well. pretending to be more woman than he can handle. it was the first date where i had so much fun.

i liked hearing what he had to say. i thought he was a total weirdo, but i liked his opinion. it was firm but shrouded in marshmellows. "no offense, just not my taste..." he said about a couple of shows i popped into the tivo. we decided to rent a video, "dumb and dumber" we both could agree on that, it was in fact one of our favorite movies.
we didn't make it past the soup de jour/sea bass incident before we were making out and soon in my bed. the moment i took my clothes off, his hands were all over my newly toned body. "wow, you're a real woman" he said and i took the lead - as i often do. i looked down at him while i straddled him and asked "how old are you?" he was 23. i was 25. i felt 60 to his 15. mentally.

i'd done this a lot of times, seduced someone, let them seduce me, fall into breathless pants and then wake the next day only to regret just how overtly sexual and incompatible me and said suitor were. no, not this time. that scared the shit out of me. he loved me body. he looked at it, ran his hands over it, made certain areas his favorite and not all of them sexual. he was afraid to show me his scar on his foot from an accident where he almost lost it. he showed stoic fear - thinking i was the typical girl who'd find those things gross and unseemly. it was remarkable. it was right at the moment, i knew i was supposed to be with him. didn't know how long, but that we were supposed to do great things together.

he came early. i got nervous. did i suck? does he suck? was this stupid? is that it?

"i'm sorry...are you mad?"
"are you kidding, sweetheart its fine"
"you're nice"
"so are you"
"and hot."
"you too"

this was our pet talk for what seemed like months, through holidays, trips, mini-squabbles, parties, getogethers, we were able to just be ourselves; both just wounded animals, trekking through the plains. looking for shelter, support, warmth. when did the moment collapse? the moment we began sharing the same address.

day zero

the whole reason i have yet to lose any substantial weight will be discussed profuseley at a later date. the current reason is just how bad i mismanage my time. but the underlying reason for that is i've been slowly breaking up with FL. he will be referred to as that because i respect his privacy, and he was my first love.

FL and I met courageously at a bar almost 3 years ago. the bar itself was unremarkable, i dont even think we wanted to go in but yet we just landed at this place. that night was magical for many reasons...i was steaming mad and heated from the absurdity spewing from my then suitor, we'll call him BJ. i started the night in santa monica meeting up with girlfriends over pasta and made a shortcut home to cry as BJ had told me with no emotion over the phone that he dates other women and I'm one of many. i got it and at that moment i realized, fuck that, i dont do multiples, i don't do being one of many like the movie "Alfie". I should be your one and only. There's no dispute on this for me, a one man woman, needs a one woman man.

thankfully drowning my sorrows in candy or ice cream wasn't an option since I recently lost 20 lbs. those 20lbs that i lost (and since regained) made me feel so incredibly dominant and proud. i felt better, my skin looked amazing, i had bi-ceps, i was wearing short sleeves and cut-offs, something i had not done in years. i was riding my bike everyday and hustling, just trying to keep my head above water and be awesome.meeting FL was a fluke, he was staring me down in line and I kept catching him out of the corner of my eye. he just seemed like a weirdo i wanted nothing to do with, but subconsciously i was posing for him. first his friend was eying me then FL. once inside the club i flirted with every type of guy, rich guys, old guys, poor guys, short guys, tall guys, eurotrash, frat bros, the list went on. i wanted to prove to myself i didn't need BJ for an ego boost, sex with him wasn't that great to begin with and i was tired of giving him BJ's. somehow i felt was never thin enough for him. yes, sexy, curvy and athletic, but not wiry with big tits. there is no fun in making a guy cum when you aren't going to get much out of it yourself. i'm always about FEELINGS and equality. ha!

FL followed me through the club. From the bathroom area to the other side of the bar near the patio from the patio to the dance floor. finally i just gave him what he wanted: attention. he was drunk, wearing the worst outfit i'd ever seen, half surprised they let him in. glasses, floppy blonde hair and the softest baby skin i'd ever seen.
he seemed shy, and inexperienced and young. i gyrated in front of him for a bit

whats your name?
FL, what's yours...
(his voice was like velvet Americana)

and finally i went in for it...and in the nicest possible way when someone is sort of stalking you...

why are you following me? what do you want?

and heres when my heart went boom... "because i saw you outside and i just needed to know you."