therapeutic jeans

believe it or not, even thought most of what i write here is drivel. its been very therapeutic for me. 22 Days since FL left. In those 22 days I've become a wee bit ornery, anxious and obsessive but in the right way. preventing a breakdown is about all i can do right now and i think im doing just fine. low-profile while focusing on work and me-self. i'm still funny, engaging and overall content, but i'm not happy about stuff when it comes to him and while i can look at the pix i left up of us just for the sake that i dont want to bury the boy, i can't help but get a little pissed off at him.

after a glorious nap, i went to the gym last night at 930 and think this is something i could get used to pending i dont have another engagement.

its not a secret that when i get depressed, i pig out. i let myself pig out a little after he left but got serious around the 11th of this month. already i notice a difference.

this makes me love my body and i can't even believe i am writing that. i love how it contours and my hips are very sexual and womanly. another 3 inches off of them and they are perfect. i love my legs, how they are long and when they get toned it looks like a loose bow. i like my shoulders how they become defined and broad and strong. my waist nips in slowly but sure and gets very tiny, i can wear a six waist now. scared that i go down anymore my waist will be really tiny. that look sort of scares me. i do hate the stares and looks when my body gets in shape. its the way my gf jenn described seeing jessica biel walking her dog in brentwood "her ass is like its own universe" that's hot to me, not for her. I love it! i want that back back

more good news...i fucking love my house of dereon jeans that i got from ross. i wish i could find them again, i want 2 more pairs. they fit my body perfectly.

tonight, going to the kanye west after party, can't make the show at the nokia theatre. BUMMED about the show, STOKED about the party. its back at goa. i said i'd never step foot in there again and i'm hoping i dont have to say that twice after tonight. i'll go to the gym after work, put in some hardcore cardio and a mini full body work out, back home, rest a bit, shower, do my hair, makeup, outfit which is very cute, very ashlee simpson, then out the door to meet james who's my date for the night. he's become a good companion to have as your wingman.

thank god goa is like 5 minutes away. thank god my throat hurts a bit so i can't drink that much. thank god tomorrow is wednesday. and thank god i did my taxes. oh god, heres more...

i am beginning to see clearly now. perspective. i miss him, i totally do but he was getting on my nerves with his actions and all i could do was punch him or cry. no other choice. once it gets to the point where you feel you've done SO much for that person and they feel the same but yet no one can agree, its a nightmare. i feel better, im glad im so busy and focused. i can't think about anything else but being a survivor and not a victim.