the main event

i haven't heard from FL nor do I plan to.

i guess i'm still numb to the whole thing. i broke down a little on saturday. the fact that i woke on saturday without having him in my life. i'd been going to work everyday forcing a smile that eventually became real. then saturday arrived and i was beside myself. i miss him alot. i miss his voice and his quirky behavior. he was a strange bird.

im trying to get up the energy to go to the fucking gym. its three block away, you'd think i could make that happen and i can't do it. its so pathetic. i can't conjure an excuse to why i'm not there now. the LA cold has been especially bitter and nippy and walking up there alone is not what I'm afraid of, its just walking up there past his house. we eventually lived 4 blocks apart which was a blessing and a curse. it was fun because seeing each other had become so much easier and less drama than if we lived together. but the curse was if he wasn't having any of it, he'd bolt in a heartbeat and make me suffer. leaving a trail of his bratty energy all over my LR floor.
he helped me outfit the apartment with shelves, and he bought me other little accoutrement's to accessorize the bungalow. i asked God to give me my own place in 2008 and I got it and I still dont believe it. I asked for a bungalow and got one.

the best part about the breakup is living alone. i can dwell in it without judgment. without the pesky questions from roommates who only HALF care about your life, they are just waiting to talk about themselves. i can listen to sad ass music for hours on end without comment. i can shuffle around the house miserable and not pose as if i was shooting sunshine out my ass.
the downside is that i'm lonely. i miss his companionship and laughing about stupid stuff.

the question is do i miss the newness of the beginning part of our relationship or the memory of him or him?

i know that i have to hurry up and digest that bitter pill because its making me lack a personality. and i'm big on personality.