that night

i rolled my eyes and took his business card. as i sauntered off, swinging my ass, he pushed it knee into my butt. Considering the way he looked, all dejected, wasted, glassy eyed behind his eyeglasses, torn flannel ,raver jeans and white tennis shoes that were now yellowish, i did not expect that gesture. i looked back at him. no shit eating grin, no lewd and lascivious theatrics, just his eyes right into mine and a sheepish half smile.

our date was one week later. it was strange, and exciting and i was my best fake self. i was overly confident, talkative and excited about life. i was zesty about life. he met me at my house, and he was nervous. we ate a terrible salad and he took videos and pictures of me when i wasn't looking. later i'd see them on his computer, me posing so well. pretending to be more woman than he can handle. it was the first date where i had so much fun.

i liked hearing what he had to say. i thought he was a total weirdo, but i liked his opinion. it was firm but shrouded in marshmellows. "no offense, just not my taste..." he said about a couple of shows i popped into the tivo. we decided to rent a video, "dumb and dumber" we both could agree on that, it was in fact one of our favorite movies.
we didn't make it past the soup de jour/sea bass incident before we were making out and soon in my bed. the moment i took my clothes off, his hands were all over my newly toned body. "wow, you're a real woman" he said and i took the lead - as i often do. i looked down at him while i straddled him and asked "how old are you?" he was 23. i was 25. i felt 60 to his 15. mentally.

i'd done this a lot of times, seduced someone, let them seduce me, fall into breathless pants and then wake the next day only to regret just how overtly sexual and incompatible me and said suitor were. no, not this time. that scared the shit out of me. he loved me body. he looked at it, ran his hands over it, made certain areas his favorite and not all of them sexual. he was afraid to show me his scar on his foot from an accident where he almost lost it. he showed stoic fear - thinking i was the typical girl who'd find those things gross and unseemly. it was remarkable. it was right at the moment, i knew i was supposed to be with him. didn't know how long, but that we were supposed to do great things together.

he came early. i got nervous. did i suck? does he suck? was this stupid? is that it?

"i'm sorry...are you mad?"
"are you kidding, sweetheart its fine"
"you're nice"
"so are you"
"and hot."
"you too"

this was our pet talk for what seemed like months, through holidays, trips, mini-squabbles, parties, getogethers, we were able to just be ourselves; both just wounded animals, trekking through the plains. looking for shelter, support, warmth. when did the moment collapse? the moment we began sharing the same address.