day zero

the whole reason i have yet to lose any substantial weight will be discussed profuseley at a later date. the current reason is just how bad i mismanage my time. but the underlying reason for that is i've been slowly breaking up with FL. he will be referred to as that because i respect his privacy, and he was my first love.

FL and I met courageously at a bar almost 3 years ago. the bar itself was unremarkable, i dont even think we wanted to go in but yet we just landed at this place. that night was magical for many reasons...i was steaming mad and heated from the absurdity spewing from my then suitor, we'll call him BJ. i started the night in santa monica meeting up with girlfriends over pasta and made a shortcut home to cry as BJ had told me with no emotion over the phone that he dates other women and I'm one of many. i got it and at that moment i realized, fuck that, i dont do multiples, i don't do being one of many like the movie "Alfie". I should be your one and only. There's no dispute on this for me, a one man woman, needs a one woman man.

thankfully drowning my sorrows in candy or ice cream wasn't an option since I recently lost 20 lbs. those 20lbs that i lost (and since regained) made me feel so incredibly dominant and proud. i felt better, my skin looked amazing, i had bi-ceps, i was wearing short sleeves and cut-offs, something i had not done in years. i was riding my bike everyday and hustling, just trying to keep my head above water and be awesome.meeting FL was a fluke, he was staring me down in line and I kept catching him out of the corner of my eye. he just seemed like a weirdo i wanted nothing to do with, but subconsciously i was posing for him. first his friend was eying me then FL. once inside the club i flirted with every type of guy, rich guys, old guys, poor guys, short guys, tall guys, eurotrash, frat bros, the list went on. i wanted to prove to myself i didn't need BJ for an ego boost, sex with him wasn't that great to begin with and i was tired of giving him BJ's. somehow i felt was never thin enough for him. yes, sexy, curvy and athletic, but not wiry with big tits. there is no fun in making a guy cum when you aren't going to get much out of it yourself. i'm always about FEELINGS and equality. ha!

FL followed me through the club. From the bathroom area to the other side of the bar near the patio from the patio to the dance floor. finally i just gave him what he wanted: attention. he was drunk, wearing the worst outfit i'd ever seen, half surprised they let him in. glasses, floppy blonde hair and the softest baby skin i'd ever seen.
he seemed shy, and inexperienced and young. i gyrated in front of him for a bit

whats your name?
FL, what's yours...
(his voice was like velvet Americana)

and finally i went in for it...and in the nicest possible way when someone is sort of stalking you...

why are you following me? what do you want?

and heres when my heart went boom... "because i saw you outside and i just needed to know you."