get paid to blog

oh ok.

why not?

this was my fourth attempt at a blog. the first one earned me considerable recognition and the ones in between didn't really count and this one was because i wanted to talk about my relationship and the breakup. that almost feels a million years ago. just like thinking about the night we met feels like a kazillion years ago.

so here i am now taking on all sorts of new responsibilities job and life and otherwise. which means my life is about to totally effing change. and you want to see a girl who is about to take the world and this industry by storm? you're reading about her right now.

so now im getting some freelance work because of the blog and my work IRL, its a pretty big deal and its basically going to get open up a world i've tried to get into for a while.

the real honest true life of a writer. everything that comes with it. the passion, the hope, the wracking of the brain for ideas, the visions and notetaking, the preparation the focus and sleepless nights. the research, the parties, the swag, the trips to dig up sources and clues and ideas...all of it. bring it. BRING. IT.

cause if you haven 't heard, i have had a pretty interesting and challenged life. it wasn't be my parents sucked, or we had no money, or i lived in a bad neighborhood (none of those...) its because since the day i was born - my brain wanted to be 30 while my body and experience were lacking in support of that notion. im ready to be 29, i'm ready to be 30.

i'm also ready to be a mom and a wife and blah blah blah but FIRST i'm ready to proliferate my conciousness which is just plain maverick.


Noun
1.
maverick - someone who exhibits great independence in thought and action
rebel
recusant, nonconformist - someone who refuses to conform to established standards of conduct


yea that pretty much explains my purpose here. i want to bring it back to reality. i was a recessionista before CNN tried to coin the term, i was on Amy Winehouse's beehive and turquoise bra strap before she screamed BLAAAAAAKE for the first time, i was blogging in 2001 and got DOOCED for it before she coined DOOCE.

original gangster.


more to come....

And so it is...

Just like you said it would be...


An email.

Facebook no less...

Dont really know what to say...

How do you respond?

Yes I'm great. Fine, even. Thank you.

I really am great, really am fine.

I'm happy. I'm content for now. Anxiety somewhat subsided.

There is less of it than there was before.

So how do I respond? And why haven't I yet.

Because the anxiety I felt when I knew it was the end...

which is strangely like when i knew it was the beginning of the end...

not really dissimilar than when i knew i was falling for him, and he for me...

is creeping up on my spine and makes the hairs of my neck stand up straight.

and...I dunno. I dont like that feeling allll that much.

3 out of 4 aint bad...

best month on record and if obama wins, i will say that %75 of 2008 has EXCEEDED MY EXPECTATIONS.

what a year folks.

what a fucking year.

started with me attempting to salvage a mess of a relationship, get my foothold in this industry in which my knowledge is genius level and survive. just plain survival.

and look at what i have gained...its been so amazing. all the love, all the support, all the wealth.

i've earned more money this year than i ever have.
i've learned more about the woman i am to become.
i've fought off demons real and imaginary.
i've learned to accept who i am, and its non negotiable for others.

here i am about to trek back to chicago to cover the story in which i wrote and reporter and hustled dan rather style to put together. there is a reason my obsession with news as a baby was such, its my lifeblood. i love to be informed and to inform others.

since my blog is mostly about life love and sex, i'd say that love will come and it will be great again and i will totally welcome the right one in...but for now, the rest? is awesome.

lets hear it for the boy...

a few things about the guy i just started dating: we met cute at the binary party a few weeks ago.
he wears glasses and is blind as a bat w/o them. he hasn't traveled much, and suggested we go to NY together. hes funny and has a sharp wit and can sense my hesitation. "Am I am too young for you?" he asked while we walked arm in arm to the party from my apartment. "Ummm...I dont know yet. I just dont know." He reminds me of someone I used to know. The COT knows what I mean.

But his DJ schedule is a thorn in my side, he is more excited about molesting his Technics than me! I am jealous of two turntables and crowds of aimless 20somethings. i feel too old attending one of his gigs, what with their multicolored flyers and crazy fonts and cover charges. his myspace page looks like my car after a night at the Vanguard. Obvi, he fits my criteria for consideration; cute, weird and smart.

"what kind of mood are you in?" he asked after i was curt and brief in our IM exchange.

HA. i bristled at the insinuation i was in any kind of mood other than WONDERFUL.

"i just saw jay-z last night, my outfit was amazing, I danced my heart out, I am AWESOME"

"Great, that's fun -but i'm just getting a weird vibe from you"

OVER Instant Messenger? Aw hell...well...I've never been considered subtle.

Its just, I'm used to things moving so fast and now that I'm dating someone who moves pretty slow "Like an old man..." he claims...I dont know what to do with myself. So my first mode is to, pump the brakes, screech everything to a halt til I get an answer that satisfies me. This is the "stuff" you know, this is how you learn who you are in a relationship and who you are as a person seeking a relationship.

Oh ME, haven't I learned anything!!? They dont like that, they dont like being pressured or forced into anything. Who's forcing? They also don't like being asked questions directly, and looked in the eye and admitting when they are wrong. They also don't like being compared...

"And would you mind please not comparing me to your ex, I'm completely sure we are two different people, I'm actually positive we are nothing alike at all. K?"

My word. Melt a girl's heart why dont you...

"And trust me, I'm not OVER invested...yet."

Hisssscratch! He's a straight shooter which is something I appreciate.

He's also a DJ who smokes loose tobacco in hand rolled cigs and he wears skateboarding shoes but doesn't skateboard and lives in the deep Valley and LOVES it and doesn't like getting TOO crazy (and that would mean more than 3 drinks in one night) of course he also is obsessed with dance music and politics and sees right through my bullshit.He without doubt, does not let me act stupid for the sake of getting attention.

We are going to see "W" Monday or Tuesday and have dinner after that.

If it lasts 90 days, it will be incredibly fun no doubt.

As for insta-date, well, we are essentially "dating" because he wont stop calling and begging to take me out on a proper date, but I dont think he will make it past the threshold of real dating until he stops A) calling me and watching tv at the same time and B) stops saying I am making him "work" for it. He needs to be quiet.

different songs, same difference

avoid perverts

at all costs, they won't let you sleep and they won't take no for an answer.

i found this out the hard way about 2 weeks...don't let it happen to you.

its not fun, or funny. its wrong.

oh by the way...he told all his friends about it. that's not funny either.

grow up.

usually i'd be ok with the chatter, but something changed this summer - besides the blog which only a few people know how to access, i'm going to tone down my mouth. i'm not saying im a gossip, i just LOVE talking. especially about myself. and LOOOOOVE having an opinion, ESPECIALLY about others.

so the first time i keep it on the DL about someone, cause i didn't know how to feel about him, I've never dealt with someone having such a perversion, that i just kept it quiet.

quite honestly, i felt sort of violated?

but i wouldn't because he'd recognize that and then back off, for like 30 seconds...

no no no, its not allowed, no more.

im young enough to do it, but too old for it.

insta-date

had an insta-date on saturday.

an insta-date is when you are minding your business then a guy (or girl, for these purposes, a guy) approaches you and starts with the "business". "Hey there, you should give me your number" Ugh. Then you decide to do a date right then and there, whether its coffee or dinner or a bagel. from there its consummated or NOT because you want to see them again or NOT because its not gonna go anywhere AND you are not attracted to them.

dont know about you, but i generally give him the hand and move on - but this time i lingered because he literally went from bravado to shy in the span of 2 minutes. his game went to lame in under 120 seconds...he was intimidated! ugh I'm a bitch!

it was sad, cause maybe he's THE ONE and what am I doing! then he made a joke - so cute - a little joke about the fact that a nerd was blasting Vaudevillian muzak out of his beat up Honda. The guy says "I thought the Little Rascals were gonna come running after him"

That was cute, you must admit.

Well that was the extent of his charm as I later discovered. I invited him over for a glass of wine since he was funny and complimentary and I thought I could tolerate him for a minimum of 2-3 dates. I was feeling particularly adventurous, why not.

What does he do? Fucks it up within minutes...he ends up bringing over a comedy tape and proceeds to hi-jack my television with some of the most unfunny comedy I've seen in recent time. It was painful - and he was cackling for days.

Here's where he went wrong - can you spot it? He brought over a VIDEO on our insta-date. You're joking right - it not like we have been dating for a year now and shit is stale and the only thing to kind of hold our attention is watching this shit. I cannot really be watching you watch television right now...this is your life, this is that big moment - if I'm as pretty and smart and independent and funny and this is what you crave, need and desire cause you can't find it in LA, then I can't possibly have done anything to be less interesting in the time from come over to you arriving with a tape. Being nice I let him control the DVD for an hour - then I turned it off, but guess what, BEERFEST was on. Oh shit, Beerfest is on...kill power, KILL POWER. So he HAD to watch the tailend of Beerfest -this ends now- so I finished the night just like this...

W: Oh look at the time...
ID: Oh no! Hold on, I love this part...
W: I do too...so much that I'll pause it while I walk you out.

He grabbed his keys and wallet and we had an awkward hug - he drank most of my 2-buck chuck.

He texted me the next night at about 11 - "Hi" I responded "Hey, going to bed, have a great night" Then I shut off my phone. I awoke to this:

>:(


Holy shit, I know how to pick 'em.

That's the end of that.

i figure ive got one year...

...to do something big and wild before i can't be involved in the youngest people to do....whatever...under 30. then its a crap shoot and you either soar or suck. yes i admire my friends success. i have many friends who have reaped a lot of success. i appreciate their emotional support. i feel like perpetual little sister but that has propelled me to accept my fate. 29 is like RIGHT THERE. jesuchristo.

so...i guess i need to throw myself into something (my writing) - and get really passionate about (being a writer) it. take it (writing) somewhat more seriously than say what i consider serious now. my current passion, can i really get on another plane and go to mexico again at the urging of one of my best bestie's. i can be an insufferable brat and oh the grief that i give him (albeit with love!) he more than deserves 10 days away. i'm opting against. that's not realistic!

im focused on this election, the future and sarah palin, i'll be laughing hysterically at her shameless fall tomorrow. wow - is this really gonna happen. she's going to get blown out. we didn't fall for it! - my mom is protesting this over the phone to me when i call her to rehash the day's events. with mercury falling out of retrograde things are going back to normal? so she continues on about the collective "we" being the young people. she has faith in us, those under 30 to do the right thing. vote and be aware of the issues and what we are up against.

so sarah palin went through the slidng door of life and got the oliver stone version of "to die for". its what this whole situation surrounding her reminds me of - its the 80s. she has the boyfriend who suffered through all her magical whims and attempts at power and stardom - he loved her madly and got her pregnant as soon as he could. then she moves from multi-college graduate to pageant winner to sportscaster to super hockey mom to governor and now vice president? how dare we judge her and her life. her pregnant daughter and effably dorky babydaddy. the manicured pantsuits, the banana clip. we're making her nervous - shipping her off to big cities and making her pronounce countries and names only her dreams could conjur.
this lady is the american dream.

she's also the world's nightmare. what have we become. its my favorite chris rock quote: "are we that stupid america, that we'd fall for a trickless magician?!"

we did it before.

i ask you...

dont vote for this lady or that man.

we are already in a world of hurt. trying to live your best life should not be this difficult and our parents bore the brunt...

anyway...i have to tie it together - so i am focusing on making even MORE changes in my life - and that includes navigating my career into a narrow focus - success in my eyeline. really.
and as always honing my health. starting with the elimination of cigarettes. i just did it. third try, i think the charm. and just staying cuffless. to be perfectly honest.

Summer was fun but i think Fall is way more hawt.

:)

what did you do today?

me?

Interviewed legends like Mary Tyler Moore, Don Rickles & Betty fucking White.

Interviewed future legends like Julia Louis Dreyfus, Kathy Griffin, Ricky Gervais and NPH!!!

and some lady...whats her name...

oh.

OPRAH

yea...not a whole lot.

you?

and by the way...that completes the SUMMER OF WYNTER.

may all your breakups result in a personal journey to rawk them ALL.

dont cry.

dont yell.

dont scream.

dont call!

dont answer!

dont sleepsleepsleep

dont eateateat

dont hate.

dont feel sorry for yourself.

LOVE YOURSELF.

throw yourself into your work

throw yourself into your spirit

throw yourself into the sadness

then shake it off and get back to what's important.

you.

love lockdown

I got some bad news this morning
Which in turn made my day
When this someone spoke I listened
All of a sudden, has less and less to say
Ohhhhhh how could this be?
All this time, I've lived vicariously
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
How will my story ever be tollllld now?
How will my story be tollllld now?

Made me feel like somebody
Hmmm, like somebody else
Although he was imitated often
It felt like I was bein myself
Is it a shame that someone else's song
Was totally and completely dependant on
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
I wonder if I'll live to grow old now
Gettin high cause I feel so lowwwww down

And maybe it's a little selfish
All I have is the memory
Yet I never stopped to wonder-ahhhhh
Was it possible you were hurtin worse than me
Still my hunger turns to greeeeed
Cause what about what I neeeeeed?!
And OHHHH~! Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Ohhhh I know I'm out of control now
Oooh-oooh, tired enough to lay my own soul down

a: that.

q: what don't Homey play?

short and sweet.

i've been trying to start a business, and it was going really well until i started to think that i couldn't trust the person in which i was starting it with. i heard whispers, but ignored them because i thought people were being mean spirited. then things just started tumbling out that made me realize this girl is nuttier than a fruit cake sale on cell block A.

so i've ended my relationship with this person - cut and dry. it was difficult for me to get to this point - but i think about how i want my life to go and whom i wanted to be associated with. i want to be percieved as a creative person who may not have a business degree but i have a nose for it. and when i smell a rat, you get out of there by any means necessary like Malcolm.

i had to. and i dont like severing relationships. i also dont like to hear that my business partner is a scheming manipulative social climber. i dont want to live in an episode of Gossip Girl.

i dont like this girl - what i knew of her I did like, but there was too much noise and not enough defense from her end. i dont want the association with her. she is toxic and dangerous. i had to LEARN this slowly and even when i tried to approach it from a professional and mild stance, she jumped bad and put her thug on display.

the moral is, do not start or plan a business with someone you know very little about, or talks a good game. also, if they've had 5 jobs in one year...that deserves mad SIDE-EYE, son.
i want to use my mind and connections to move forward and my goal is to bring my friends with me. except this broad.

i've made my way out of this w/ minimal loss and incredible gain. i've lowered the toxic douchebag levels in my environment...and that's a good thing.

me and mcdonald's are over.

that goes for the BK lounge as well.

i ordered from rainforest pizza the other day, the first time in a while. small pizza and greek salad. the guy gets to my door and its the same douche who delivers ALL the time.

he's always WAY too excited to see me and lingers way too long...

this time, he asked... "what happened to your boyfriend??"

i literally groaned and rolled my eyes....

"um we broke up..." hands him 20 and I start to leave...

"really??? man, you were such a cute couple..."

"well, things happen. ok thanks!"

"yea...he seemed like a good guy and you're a good woman...it was always nice to see you two"

meaning, its not that nice to see you single, as one whole person, alone paying for your own pizza out of your own pocket.

"well maybe one day you will see him again...

"oh that's so sad, i'm heartbroken"

REALLY?
...
REALLY?

no, I WAS HEARTBROKEN. YOU just deliver my pizza and offer unsolicited commentary for 5 minutes. listen, i'm not a heartless bitch, small talk is one thing, delving into my wounds when i've managed to bandage, heal and lighten them is another.

just because i blog about it doesn't mean the pizza guy gets to be all up in my shit, so i kindly told him

"listen, thanks so much for your concern, but i'm watching the convention, its live, so have a good night!"

and with that, i will never order from rainforest pizza again. or any other restaurant delivery service in my neighborhood that harbors an obsession with my ex.

(warning: DONT let that sweet face fool you. he packs a mean right hook when tipsy and tested on Hypnotiq. But who am I fooling, so do I....)

the end.

dnc recap is late

im sorry.

it is tiring to be a democrat. gotta work a lot harder than republicunts.

before the week is out. promise.

meanwhile, r. smith and i liveblogged 90210. one complaint so far: NEEDS MORE BRENDA.

Bristol Palin: I dont know if I like this new 90210. Why does the black guy have to be adopted? Is it too much for the american palate to have ONE black family. Really?
Wynter for Senate: Remember, vivica fox lasted one episode out of 300..that whole episode was about how she kept escaping to comptoon. it was a lot of 90017 in that episode.
Bristol Palin: But this is 90210 in 2008. I could live in 90210 if I wanted to, and I'm black AND foreign
Bristol Palin: It can happen
Bristol Palin: It's not just a distant dream anymore
Bristol Palin: And they should be ashamed of themselves for putting Vivica up in that show
Wynter for Senate: Hahahahahahaha
Wynter for Senate: Hahahahaha
Wynter for Senate: This is when she was really cute tho
Wynter for Senate: Like early 90s
Wynter for Senate: Not when she looked bent out of shape
Wynter for Senate: I don't hate it so far
Wynter for Senate: I'm pacing myself
Wynter for Senate: The first couple eps of original 90210 sucked
Bristol Palin: I think this is as far as I'll go
Bristol Palin: Maybe I was different when I was younger, but this feels like such a girls' show
Wynter for Senate: its totally girly
Wynter for Senate: Its gossip girl west
Bristol Palin: Yeah, exactly
Bristol Palin: Which explains why u've never completed a full episode of GG
Bristol Palin: I've*
Wynter for Senate: GG is good!!!!
Bristol Palin: This will do well. But I'm to old, black and male for it
Wynter for Senate: For sure
Wynter for Senate: I'm too old for it
Wynter for Senate: 90210 was kitschy
Bristol Palin: Yeah, the original was a tad more aspirational. Like a Dynasty for kids
Wynter for Senate: And can they stop playing
Wynter for Senate: Neyo
Wynter for Senate: Chris brown
Wynter for Senate: Killers
Wynter for Senate: Mgmt
Wynter for Senate: God its like shows for ages 13-21 have a soundtrack
Bristol Palin: And they're trying too hard with the soundtrack. I can almost envision the "tastemakers" they brought in to supervise
Wynter for Senate: Jinx!!!!!
Bristol Palin: Oh wow
Bristol Palin: Same thoughts
Bristol Palin: Ting Tings
Wynter for Senate: See!!!! Great minds....
Wynter for Senate: Like stop!!!
Bristol Palin: So contrived
Wynter for Senate: Exactly
Wynter for Senate: BJs, Penis and vagina in one hour - sounds like 10th grade.
Wynter for Senate: How adult
Bristol Palin: And when all else fails, bring in Akon and his Shaka Zulu looking ass
Wynter for Senate: Hahahahhaahaa
Bristol Palin: This is why they didn't release review copies
Wynter for Senate: Don't they care when ppl start NOT watching
Wynter for Senate: No they don't cuz they suck
Bristol Palin: Yeah, they suck. And this will do well
Bristol Palin: The critics don't need to be a part of this equation
Wynter for Senate: What is it 1993
Wynter for Senate: A jim carrey movie
Wynter for Senate: And he's acting silly
Wynter for Senate: And slapping ppl
Wynter for Senate: And making funny faces
Wynter for Senate: And nkotb album dropped today
Wynter for Senate: I'm 13 again
Bristol Palin: Lol
Bristol Palin: Tonight is the moment I've realized (and accepted) that I don't relate to youth-aimed pop culture anymore. I have personally jumped the shark. I'm the demographic they aim for on Meet the Press now
Wynter for Senate: No no no
Wynter for Senate: Don't give up hope
Wynter for Senate: We are at the point where cnn is more necessary food for thought than mtv
Wynter for Senate: This does make me feel like an adult
Wynter for Senate: Knowing kids had to watch reruns to catch up with this!
Wynter for Senate: Reruns on soapnet!
Bristol Palin: Lol
Wynter for Senate: Why the fuck is cory kennedy on this show?
Bristol Palin: I'm kind of done now
Bristol Palin: I'm hungry
Bristol Palin: And this is not feeding my soul
Bristol Palin: Lol

amazing race

= me for the next 3 days.

:: my dnc blog ::

dear ben affleck

me: excuse me, ben affleck?
ba: yes, beautiful girl. your hair looks so pretty. how can i help you?
me: you are like my dream guy. minus the whole obnoxious phase with j.lo but i forgave you for that because honestly, if i dated j.lo. im guessing i would have acted the same way. i don
ba: go on
me: i mean, i love that you are bilingual, and a reader and a gamer and you like to gamble but you tinker with cars and motorcycles but you are SO focused on politics then you've got that wife of yours but also you are hot and i've loved you since i was 14...anyways...
ba: aren't you cute...
me: me? pshaa...you're the cute one. its so loud here! can we go somewhere intimate, other than invesco field...jen wont mind will she?
ba: who?
me: exactly.
ba: i want to steal away with you and shirk this whole hollywood lifestyle
me: oh no..dont say that! you wouldn't!
ba: baby, i would. i'll take you to my island-
me: you have an island!!?
ba: shutup
me: ok
ba: take you to my island and let you and the kids eat mangos shoeless while i move pork bellies
me: mangos? why mangos?
ba: this is your fantasy. im sensing you'd like a segway too?
me: well yea. and that pink diamond you gave j.lo? but in a pendant
ba: let me get my blackberry...i need to take notes
me: id like a green home on the baltic sea and one on star island
ba: fine.
me: thats it.
ba: pink diamond, green homes, segway
me: MANGOS
ba: mangos...got it.
me: this was easier than i thought ben affleck.

what is: what i imagine will happen when i finally meet ben affleck.

possibly this week.

cause im going to the convention

there will be photos.

never can say goodbye

every once in a while i get misty blue over the demise of my relationship. i have a tendency to jump into a shame spiral and then i conciously grab my "self" from the ride and focus on what i've won over this summer. see, i never thought i'd fall in love. seemed beyond impossible that someone would want to be with me and treat me like a woman. show me how first love for two people is so intimate, unyielding and magical. there were moments where i wanted it to be like the way it was, forever. i felt empowered, more feminine, i felt incredibly loved. he was the first man i could completely trust to have my heart. immediately after the breakup i tried not to show too much bravado. i didn't want to display a false sense of bravery. a break up means your are broken, pieces of your irreplaceable but, they make more. i have to take a beat and thank him; im a stronger woman today than i ever thought i could be. if he claims i made him into a man, i can say without blinking, he made me in to a woman.

from last month's O Magazine -
"Mourning teaches us how to accept the end of love and helps us start the process of feeling whole again. True, the self you get back is never quite the same as the self you relinquished to your relationship; although wounds can heal, they leave scar tissue. But there's more to gain than just surviving the breakup; there's also the possibility of becoming more than you were, more able to undertake the experience of love in its moments of sadness as well as joy. As with any art or skill, the only way grieving can be learned is through practice -- whether we like it or not."

there's not one day that goes by that I dont think about that part of my life. deep impact. i was cleaning my kitchen and picture upon picture came tumbling out of a cabinet of "us". there's the pic from hawaii where we walked the shore just past midnight. sure, we look happy, content. that picture didn't know that just a week later we'd begin a hellish 6 months of unraveling what we'd become. photobooth photos. where there was a photo booth, we were immortalized and immortal. me always sitting on his lap, him pressing his head against my cheek, shoulder or chest, dazed, confused, in awe. my smiles - big wide and proud. we have pictures of us on vacation, hiking, kissing, laughing. pictures of us drunk, stumbling around, grasping towards each other. theres videos of us in mexico celebrating the New Year wildstyle, us in hawaii chasing after roosters, talking to strangers while lounging in the surf. hiking up in Santa Barbara, staring at deer, me on the back of his motorcycle going where ever he would take me. the photos, you line them up, one by one, organized by date. when you get to the end...that's what it looks like: the end.

everyone of those stupid cliches i held onto from the time i was a child, came about naturally in the course of us being together...the cooing, the sickening affection, the emotion, the arguments, the pain...we just did the whole 360. neither one of us wanted to do it again. i grew up in a family where you don't divorce, you dont' leave, you endure. i wouldn't want him to endure for me, and vice versa unless we both really wanted to. i had to step out of myself and realize, sometimes you dont need to win all the races.

i miss my friend.

i will never not miss my friend. no one will ever be able to replace that loss. many can try, surely many will. i've had my fun this summer, this blog testifies to that. but one always gets nervous when they desire love and affection. can it happen again? will it? should i lock myself in a fortress and pretend it doesn't exist? become queenbaby and eschew efforts to find it, receive it...

im not obsessive, but then i go - does he think about me? does he blame me for much? was it inconsequential? a girl could go crazy thinking these thoughts day in and day out.

which is why i try to limit that thinking and focus on what's gained. a new sense of self. if i want to be the great wife, the desired companion, the madonna AND the whore...i need to focus on being the best at being with just me.

sports

"u miss me (?)"

thats what the text said. this coming from the MLA. lets give him a nickname, mr. spitz-coppola.

do i miss him? hmm...what a loaded question. do i miss you?

heres what i know i miss for sure:
i miss my mom and dad and little sister.
i miss my friends in the Bay.
i miss that amazing crispy chicken thai salad they used to have in downtown SF
i miss my childhood bedroom with all the yellow frills and toys and 4 post bed
i miss my grandmothers and great grandmothers
i miss my super nintendo and sega genesis
i miss single casette tapes
i miss the way my ex would be silly with me and then we'd snuggle on the couch and watch crime shows

do i miss him? not really.

i didn't know how to respond, he wasn't asking me if i missed our long walks, or holding hands over dinner or reminiscing about summers in tuscany. he's asking me if i missed doing it and doing it and doing it well with him, ok. i'm a lady. i dont respond to stuff like that unless we've already gotten past the honeymoon phase. so the responding text was "i can show you better than i can tell you."
its sexual volley. i will never let him think for two seconds that i'm dying inside when he's not around. i will never massage his ego because lets face it, he's incredibly hot and sexy and im not the only girl he's giving textlove to. i dont care, thats freedom!

i dont know him well enough to miss him. and i partially dont want to know him that well. the night after our latest rendezvous, i watched him walk away, one of my favorite things to do, and i didn't feel that ache you feel when someone is leaving that you really want. i hated to see my ex go, i hated to leave him in bed when i went to work. his cute freckles always beckoned me back to bed, his hugs sending me on my way.

yet this is why mr. spitz-coppola is incredible. i dont have to get to know him to the point where i'll be sad when he leaves, or when he doesn't call me or when he says something stupid. i haven't given him the opportunity to be an idiot, and he has expectations for my crazy. the ex told him about our spectacular brawls so he's waiting for the pin to fall out of the grenade. i wont give him that satisfaction. he has an unfair advantage already. but what if i decided to get to know him? i can't make a decision because its not at the forefront of my mind - work, bills, my poor car, dodging arguments, my health...he's in there, somewhere.

i dont want this forever. i see myself marrying, and making a family. cross my fingers before 35. even not working for a couple years to do that well. i can't imagine even being satisfied with the status quo come time for the holidays. but for now, its serves a purpose: pure ecstasy. i am entertaining the idea of dating more and have been chatting w/ a couple of suitors...nothing remotely serious. but i dont have enough time w/ my social calendar. in the next 2 months alone i'm going to Denver for the convention, Mexico w/ my girl Massi, New York to see my new besties and old besties and probably Hawaii. Well Im encouraging Hawaii.

i mean, you all know, i like him. i like his body. alot. besides his ultra dramatic george clooney/chuck bass sneer and the way he gazes at me, and laughs to himself when i say something smart ass. i can't forget that he was the annoying guy that lived below me and the ex. that he was this guy who was just totally full of himself and sooooo talkative, more than i am!

when i ran into the ex about a month ago, it was at the front of my mind that i was hooking up with the neighbor and i sputtered out like an idiot "DONT READ MY BLOG". he played coy, what blog? i knew he'd read it. but like i said before, i dont think i can feel bad about what i do and write on here. we all make choices...his decision was to leave and cast me way to the left. he's still making good on that decision. if i had to forcefully determine the next step in my life, i would never have predicted it would be screwing the neighbor. i think i like the fact that he was my neighbor more than anything.

no no no...

i think its his massive....ego. his abs. his biceps. my girlfriends say that he is the polar opposite of what im usually attracted to. i just think he's mannish. my ex was not. my ex was like a little boy, this guy is like rambo. i can't post his foto, or link to his imdb profile, he looks like an irish/italian version of matthew mcconaughey. best way to describe him. same body type, same chisled features, big curly hair. i will commit one blow to his ego and thats all ill allow...we like each other, i dont want to damage the man.

ok.

he's a terrible kisser. ive tried to teach him but it comes across like that scene on SATC when Charlotte dates the guy who kisses like a dog. Its like that. I know I have big lips and he unfortch has none, but he tries to eat my face and his beard rubs on my face and then i have to go to my happy place so i dont focus on how much lip gloss and tea tree oil i'll need to heal the layer of skin he's removed from my mouth and cheeks. I kinda hate that. plus i hate how he always has to dip me like he's cary grant. then he picks me up and drops me to the nearest cushion, like he's rhett butler. ( wait, kudos for being able to pick me up and toss me anywhere.) i also hate that he's worn the same outfit twice in a row. and i hate that his shirt says "future millionaire". but guess what, i dont have to focus on his fashion missteps and dramatics...Is that unforgivable?

pretty hate machine

what happens in vegas stays (forcefully) in vegas. i like to think I'm the kind of girl who can rough it when necessary, but this last trip to Vegas has proven that while I tow the line between modern girl of spoils and struggling wannabe, I have to make a decision about which way its gonna go. f'reals. I'm either the Eliza Doolittle/Shug Avery/Holly Golightly for the brown girl set or I's isn't.

See: I left the driving to Greyhound and that was a MISTAKE. The lowest of the low, scummiest of the scummy. I'm not even for a little bit the kind of girl who looks down at people with her nose way high up in the air. Even w/ my job being what it is and the awesomeness associated with it, what I get exposed to, blahblablah, I never let myself forget that when I go home, I put my pants on, one leg at a time, and DONT make gold records. i dont care how much you schmooze, and get hooked up...or how many celebs you drink the night away in close company of, i have to manage this lifestyle on MY salary. and that aint much.

I was literally shaking as I left the yard watching my car through the nasty window. I checked my neck every 1/2 hour, fearing some vagrant would go for the jugular. I was approached by a homeboy who pledged that his 9to5 as the Vons lead bagger was not paying enough and he'll be in Vegas to Monday at the Best Western if I wanted to stop by for a drink. Yeaaaa....no. Flying is a hassle for me, I'm a spoiled airline brat and w/o my Daddy's benefits I'm useless. Unfortch, LAX to LAS is not a priority for Delta and therefore, no flight really fit my schedule. I took control of the stench with incense and stink eyed every single person boarding. my bag of nickels never leaving my side. (note: a bag of nickels will knock out a potential rapist, aggressive beggar, and terrorist, amongst other things)

Cut to Sunday, my return to the bus station for the ride back to LA, lets just say...there was an altercation of some sort and I am now banned from the Greyhound station as well. (Previously, I was banned from the Wynn for "alleged" buffet theft) The foghorn leghorn sheriff reminded me, without looking me in the eye, (a clear sign of "Jesus christ, I love/hate this fucking job so much but this is what I do and then I punch my wife later-itis" ) said "This is the wild west, and this is how it goes.." WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT STATEMENT IS THAT. If I go to customer service and walk away unhappy, in the real world in 2008, i can write a letter and get my money back. THERE i end up arguing with 4 to 5 ignorant ass people simultaneously. If there was an Olympic sport in verbal jousting I would have disappointed my country. I couldn't and would not compete with this ghettorazzi swarming around me as I dont know anything about living below the poverty line. They won, un-fair and un-square. Fine. The benefit is I dont work there, I dont HAVE to take Greyhound and ultimately I dont need to associate myself with that kind of drama anymore. Growing up I was pulled out of school every other friday to jaunt somewhere for a shopping trip in some major city around the US, taking the Greyhound was my way of relaxing instead of being on a plane. WRONG. Just file that under "dont do that shit ever again"

Meanwhile, there's so much NOT to tell we all know how Vegas is, its just pure fun. a lot of laughter, lots of dancing, pole swinging, wave pooling, party buckets, candy, room service, ogling, boob flashing, debauched recanting of hilariously vile tales.

we acted like fools, kids in a candy store. we rawked it, we got pissy, ate crap, worked on our collective alcoholism, spent $ we didn't have or need to, (i) gave the hand to bouncers, ghetto ass bus employees and sleep was scattered in there. each night the need for sleep became more dire, each night i grew crankier and crankier...nightly i reviewed the movie "very bad things" in my mind, OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

you know the deal, wyn doesn't skim on the lavish when she can swing it...suite was phat, dinner at Koi for the birthday boy and lap dances for EVERYONE! club, afterparty, booty bouncin' on stripper poles, poolside at various casinos, i made new best friends...no, not the strippers...

what does escape me about about Vegas now that I've been twice in a summer: how the hell did Tupac die on a fight night? I sneak a danish from the buffet, I'm banned from the Wynn - he gets in a riotously explosive brawl with several negroes and is shot on LV blvd and nobody saw a damn thing. that is rigoddamndiculous.

where is ja rule to make sense of all this?

ethical?

if the guy at the sprint store is in love with me and lets me know that everytime i come in, showing it by...lets say...pushing me to the front of the line, giving me a 1G of memory for my blackberry, encouraging everyone to help me expeditiously and saying he'd like to steal away to the parking lot and kiss me...should i blatantly ignore the fact that a love affair between us will NEVER happen, like...ever, and encourage him to use his "magic" to get me out of my contract so that I can get on the $99 anytime plan by suggesting something could?

or just pay the $200 contract bitch out fee and kindly tell him "this just. wont. ever. happen?"

previously on "wynter..."

as quiet as i tried to keep the past weekend - little things here and there popped up that destroyed my pursuit of a calm before the storm (Vegas).

going to vegas again...of course i had to. but this time its for james' bday and we're gonna have the best time i'm just sure of it. there's a crap load of folks attending, should be spectacular i expect nothing less...

hung out w/ schwartz and boy do i love her. she is seriously like my big sister. its so important to have good friends and i have a core group - but this girl gets me and understands my struggle. i support her at every turn cause she's my girl. this weekend was no exception-we spent sunday afternoon drinking and looking at the ocean and dancing to good music and meeting people.

friday night, i stayed in before being forced (or willing conjured) to head out and meet up with my friend jordan and his gf destiny. cute kids. his apartment is phat and he introduced me to my new favorite viral "unforgivable."

sat night, against my will i had a pre-dawn MLA. i know, i know...but listen i know the rules...the best part about the whole situation is when you know the score, nothing really changes. that is unless feelings get involved. but as i watched him walk away with the sun rising - what i knew for sure - he is NEVER going to be the father of my children, or put a ring on my finger. what he can do, and what he's proven in his skill- is that he can shift my focus...really well.

the scenario.

so...

im going through hypnotherapy. and its given me a heightened sense of awareness about myself. that's not entirely what the purpose is, you go in trying to rid yourself of one thing, leave ridding yourself of one less emotional crutch.

the smoking is an ongoing gradually declining situation...less drinking is a work in progress (note: i'm not a drunk, drunks dont know how they got home, what they said, what they were doing, they often blackout - no, i just dont like the frequency in which i'm drinking...that bugs) but what i'm most fascinated about is the fact that because of the sessions, its forced me to want things in my life, to be less complicated. less catastrophic. and it seems like the overall outlook that if i can keep things LEVEL, for instance - be OK with what I can and cannot change and focus on the bigger picture. i think the next part of this transition - is seeing the urgency and need for consistency in certain things and practicing restraint in other situations.

im on it. i feel so much more in tune with every freaking thing. my dr. her name is wanita holmes. she's pretty brilliant. she reminds me very much of a cross between my Dad's mom and my mom's grandmother.

"I've lived from sin to salvation" Her words, not mine. I loved that. I want to say that when I'm 81. I want to say that I've seen it, done it. i also want to have a legacy. she has a degree in "stop sweating the small shit"

hopefully this therapy makes a difference, cause i need something to believe in.

one caveat - she records our sessions on cassette tapes, who the eff has a cassette tape player anymore? she's lucky i dug one up. that shit is going the way of the dodo bird.

fashion vs neighbors

i got yelled at last night by the old british couple who live directly across from me for being loud.

here's the thing...im not some party-rager type. my apartment is the size of a shoebox, its totally sanctuary-ville. what might annoy others is the fact that i play music to drown THEM out. this insists on bickering loudly until they shut the door.

i was walking back w/ my hoodrat neighbor Holly. She borrowed my champagne glasses while she chilled with the vatos y ellas. She's more ghetto than I'll ever be. totally immersed in the gang culture, and from Manhattan Beach. that's right, rich girl passionate about the hood. we were laughing in my kitchen when i suddenly her a loud "SHHHH". but wait there's more, i get yelled at. and to top it off she calls me Autumn. not my name. i was a little hurt. im so nice to them, nicer than i would ever be to neighbors seeing as im not a fan of getting to know them on a deeper level other than "Hi" and "Bye" There is def a you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours mentality when you live in a neighborhood which I learned was owned by "TMC" that stands for The Magician's Club, a gang that is directly rivaled with 18th Street.

You see, I live in gangland which doesn't say much as they are all underground...apparently I am surrounded by the following:

* 18th Street Gang (Los Angeles)
* White Fence Gang (Los Angeles)
* TMC Gang (The Magicians Club) (Los Angeles)
* Valerio Gang (San Fernando Valley)
* Blyth Street Gang (Van Nuys)

Fun fact: they're called the "Magician's Club" because get this...they make people disappear.
(Read: If I don't blog ever again after this...call the authorities, hide my diaries and give my clothes to my sister)

she was incredibly snippy and said i was not considerate of the neighbors in the complex. BALDERDASH. im totally fucking considerate, so much that I mind my own business. the other thing, they are only here a few months out of the year. I think its time they stop doing this. First of all, they're like 80, living in a war zone. Just stay in London. Also, I'm sure to them, all young people are loud. We just are. And obnoxious. She's just annoyed I was listening to Hector Lavoe and Celia Cruz till 10 at night.

I've also decide that I'll let bygones be bygones and by that it means, I will in fact BECOME the bratty, obnoxious neighbor she so dares me to be and ignore her. if she blames her outburst on early onset Alzheimer's I'll just poo-poo that notion as its a lie.

She knew what she was doing - trying to flex the ol "I'm OLD and require speaking below whisper after 9"

blargh, i got over it pretty fast - its really easy to get over stuff if you try your best not to care TOO much.

epic disappointment

to no one in particular:

are men capable of anything but letting sleeping dogs lie? bygones be bygones? not sweating the small stuff?

if a man firmly believes in these ways of life, laws of living - its just showcases their inability to be sensitive to situations that generally upset women. sure they probably sidestep tons of life's soap operas, but it begs the adage "well-behaved women rarely make history."

now with the cover story of my company's competitor, screaming that SJP, a woman who's SUPPOSED to have it all, has been cheated on by none other than the loving, cuddly, waspy individual, matthew broderick. i guess a real man would allow her to have it all. a wimp wants it her perfect existence to show wear, to crumble, chip or smudge. like makeup and nails. well, after all, that's the most important thing to her anyway, right?

i am fed up with this wimpy behavior. its called insecurity fellas, plain and simple. and i know that a femme word for you all, and easily tossed about like it never applies to your sex, but you guys can be so. totally. fucking. insecure.

and the men who are willing to have a comment, to tell a woman how they really feel without hiding behind bravado, who are down to protect her and be on her side no matter what. take in account her feelings, give her constructive feedback and share in her joy and pain without feeling putupon?

they are few, far between.
but i would like to meet them.

i wish i could shake this persistent feeling of constant disappointment when it comes to the male species. i feel like every time a man opens his mouth, he's totally fucking lying.

stuff that rawks

pharrell, just before he began to sing "lapdance"
hardfest, shrine auditorium, 1:04 am
i dont care, he's just too damn sexy.


singing "she wants to move"
its sounds so much better live & everyone knew the words


w/ ryan & jessica (directly behind me) there was a lot of dancing involved.

"yo, ma, i went to art school."
same night, but earlier - i was an innocent bystander as my good buddy, josh b. earned his one way ticket to hell ...sarcasm reigns even at a fancy charity event I guess.
yet he rawks because he is hella funny and he's a vis efx artist, some of the most interesting people in the business are those way deep behind the scenes like this character.
be sure to ask him about Thailand.






my accessory du jour: CC SKYE cocktail ring
this bad boy looks good w/ pretty much everything.

best quotes of the weekend:

"you must understand, i have friends in every corner of the globe ringing me 24 hours a day, i have to do it."
- ryan s. on keeping his BB on silent.

"all he had to do was sit on a couch and laugh for 30 damn years? and he's broke? no i dont feel sorry for his ass"
- my mother on Ed McMahon

"y'all so rich, you dont have mosquitoes. as a matter of a fact, i saw one housefly and it had a british accent."
-cedric the entertainer referring to the palatial estate during the Hollyrod event.

saturday night live

hella shit to do this weekend, where i'll be:

private b-day party - malibu colony
hollyrod event - malibu
hardfest - shrine auditorium
glow - santa monica


thats just saturday.

xo

would you tell a woman her husband was a douchebag?

went to a party in the colony a few weeks back. met up with my lovely friends for an after 4th of july dinner party on the sea. it was very sweet and intimate. a small crew and lots of catered goodies. very yummers. while in attendance i made the acquaintance of a young couple, the husband being somewhat wealthy while somewhat unemployed. (daddy's money) his wife was afflicted with some acute type of eczema. lovely girl - funny sweet and pretty.

the husband quite openly criticized his wife's appearance. this is after telling me and schwartz about his lovely wedding in a 3rd world country home to my ancestors. he was drunk, don't get me wrong, we all do weird stuff when liquored up, but suddenly he became incredibly inappropriate and "huggy". i dont like awkward situations such as these, but i can't deny the obvious. without missing a beat i word vomited "you're a total douchebag", then laughed in his face as he laughed back. when you're drunk, shit takes a while to process cause then he paused and then looked at me blankly "wait...am i? am i a douchebag?"

i didn't stutter.

"yes dude...you're totally off-base. if you were my husband i'd be so sad. i'd think i make bad decisions, because there is no way i wouldn't have known before the wedding you were ridiculous."

he was taken aback and for the rest of the night pretty much retreated that was until the end.

he was back and with a vengeance. "so what are you ladies up to tonight?" i probably named 40 different things that didnt go together "washing my sponges, defragging my hard drive, then reading "unbearable lightness of being" backwards, organizing my dust bunnies, then after all that, stomping grapes and curing ketchup for a merlot-pruno blend...you?"

he babbled, and babbled. finally he was gone not soon before he was terrorizing another group of innocents. i was giving my host and hostess a big ol' hug, kiss and thank you before the wife of said douchebag appears, rolling her eyes. "i have to get away from my husband..." she said, exasperated. i saw the confusion in her eyes. the "what have i done..." he probably traipses about the colony embarrassing her from one ingloriously overpriced pub to the next...

i dont know these two from adam but i have a good eye for human behavior prompted by my intuition. i see them as the go to couple for fun, maybe not the picture of domesticity---they probably have awesome days together, have great sex and adventure...but there is nothing worse than casting doubt about your man in the face of others...this has happened to me when the ex got supremely wasted and embarrassed me during the cinco de mayo fiasco of 2006 in which he stole $ from others and licked my face. not to be confused with the 4th of july fiasco of 06 in which he called me fat for not wearing a bathing suit.

(ed note: ew. why did i put up with that for sooo long?)

i hope to find someone who will never embarrass me. because i really hate seeing it happen to others. so either marry someone who loves you more than you do him, OR dont get married ever.

so ladies, LIFE IS TOO SHORT! just do what little man did:

american psycho*

"Yes it is! In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself."

(*im this close to have this be my daily routine-except for waking up early)

wake at 6:30a, thank god for opening my eyes.
click on the news, wait for al to toss to willard who tosses to local...)
put on workout clothes
AM cardio for 45 minutes, watch the rest of CNN Today on treadmill

• b: small bowl of any cereal with wheat involved, skim milk, some kind of fruit OR a protein shake, water, supplements, pills
• l: protein, protein, protein, veggie, bulk of daily carbs
• sn: almonds, fruit, 1/2 avo w/ lime juice or a yogurt.
• d: protein shake, protein/veggies or nothing

cardio 45 minutes a day - period.

weights: 30-45 minutes full body 3-4 times a week.

no drinky and bed by 11p - sun-thurs

am: wash face w/ gentle cleanser, shower medium hot for 5 minutes, lotion, bp 8% and sun block, makeup

pm: wash face w/ glyco cleanser, shower after gym, lotion, brush teeth, floss, trico, no moisturizer at night.

kelly mccauley throws fun parties aka last weekend in 81 fotos

this is helen mirren @ 62

Looking better than you at whatever age you are, in a bikini.

Black dont crack but it droops.

Note to self: stay on top of game.

That is all.

as a rule...

i try my best not to speak on anything unless i know FOR sure my answer is correct. i recently entered an argument w/ this guy who was on shear genius. he was cut i think the first episode of this season, which is LACKLUSTER to say the least. No PUN INTENDED. some of the most tired hair styles i've ever seen.

i said, "you know kim vo is half vietnamese." kim vo is one of the judges, has a shop on robertson i believe. its true, under that piled high blond bouffant is a little Hapa. this guy swore up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down that KV is just a "white man" and he said this with CONVICTION, like how dare I argue with him? He knows his business, he was on a reality show with this man.

then i thought, you are supposed to be this AMAZING personality, you have a line of hair products, a clothing line, this that and the other yet you are working at a barber shop with 20 other barbers following being voted OFF a reality show in the FIRST episode.

plus not to mention, look at him:

it doesn't take a Rhodes scholar to see that he is not 100% caucasian. Ok, so maybe it wouldn't be Vietnamese...doesn't matter, somewhere in his genetic makeup, generations ago someone was of Asian descent.

Bottomline: I'm tired of idiots being paid, and they act like they know.

Know your business. Know it well. And don't even try to argue with me about the following:

1. Pop Culture
2. Genetic makeup
3. Minutiae

cause you will lose.

when tastemakers collide

i got a reputation to maintain. no further comment.

(from l to r, allison melnick, chris detert, me, some dude, paris, nicky)

flashing. lights.

went to this event on thursday as a guest of the gallery owner and the publicists...i'll say...it was 1000 degrees in Pop Factory but it was a cocktail party worth attending. Delightful group of people, and I finally shared a touching moment with Paris & Nicky - they adored my couture shirt I got for 80% off at American Rag.

See, those bitches get it.

If you can find me in this paparazzi video, I appear twice, (not to include when I was smoking with the sisters out back...) you get a free subscription to OK magazine.

dnc 2008

i want to go, i went when i was 20, and it was a fantastic experience not only professionally but personally. i like watching change happen, and obviously this election is historical. i cling tightly to the pop culture side of things cause its what i do and passionate about...but the nerd in me, the need to know, the horder of info, i am passionate about current affairs and politics.

i watch the news in the morning and at the gym. my attention genuinely rapt. there are some truly amazing and harrowing stories out there right now i wish i would have covered. i do wish i pursued a career in journalism fully without distraction.

so im trying to get credentialed for DNC and im sure it would have happen if i had not waited so long so now it looks like i have to volunteer if i want to be apart of this at all. im still going to check other avenues, but this opportunity escaping me, whether Barack O. wins or not, would be a disappointment.

im honored to be apart of the generation that could change this world. when i was younger, even in the 80s, i never imagined that in one week, i'd see the following:

A black man aboard his plane as he attempts to win the US Presidency
Black action star make his gazillionth #1 summer tent pole film
Two black sisters compete for the title in Wimbledon

that's heavy. more and more each day im encouraged by these developments. i really hope it does something for those not in the know. im hoping against hope we can erase stigmas and change the cultural landscape within the black community.

we need to brush the dirt off our shoulders and rise up and strengthen as a people, not so much about protecting ourselves, as its more like representing our race in a better more positive light.

as my grandmother would say, we need to get our ass up off our shoulders (and that dirt) about being held back...to that i now say, you are holding yourself back. too much opportunity out there for us not to see it and grab it by any means necessary.

and stay diverse. always.

I love Barack Obama and I'm going to support him any way I can.

4th of July

CANDIDS

Caught attempting to say "This is so fun" after my 4th margarita.

Good ol' Ryan....love this kid...

Michelle Jones! With Toni Toni Toni.
We became besties reminiscing on muzak from our childhood.

Adam with Toni eating fries

This couple was fighting, but he was obviously making a breakthrough. It was pretty and reminds me of the movie "Valley Girl"

this posting approved by the everfabulous, j. betts.

hey, hey, you know what to do...

going to a malibu beach party tomorrow...this is my 90210/saved by the bell moment if there ever was one.

you know how every summer they went to the beachhouse or their beach jobs and got into a whole other batch of shenanigans that didn't involve their primary respective environs.

im not a huge beach person by nature, those 120 hours of community service didn't help matters.

but what better way to celebrate the height of the summer of wynter than on the beaches of the rich and ridiculously wealthy?

only problem is, i dont know what to wear. egads...

next weekend is the party im actually looking forward to...my friend kelly is coming in from london and opening up her quaint little santa monica beach house to a healthy group of hipsters and others and then there's me, i dont know what group i fit into...i want to think that i can't be pegged into clique. i roll w/ the circle of trust exclusively and those peripheral industry folks im friends with. its going to be painful trying to do that party, then roll out a bit later to an even later party late saturday early sunday.

taking schwartz out this saturday...big fun as always...

i have real problems too, beyond that fake shit - my car was hit by a DWP truck. im one of 5 people i know who have had this happen. my car looks like a transformer in mid-transformation.



so terrible. but at least it runs. the Big Guy knows and he looks out for me.

I was not trying to catch the bus to work, gas crisis or not.

the playlist

is an indicator level.

you guys realize, im really not that clever.

i let the music speak for me.

and this blog too.

earmuffs.

rebound
n 1: a movement back from an impact [syn: {recoil}, {repercussion},
   {backlash}]
2: a reaction to a crisis or setback or frustration; "he is
still on the rebound from his wife's death"
3: the act of securing possession of the rebounding basketball
after a missed shot
v 1: spring back; spring away from an impact; "The rubber ball
  bounced"; "These particles do not resile but they unite
  after they collide" [syn: {bounce}, {resile}, {take a  hop}, {spring}, {bound}, {recoil}, {reverberate}, {ricochet}]
2: return to a former condition; "The jilted lover soon rallied
and found new friends"; "The stock market rallied" [syn: {rally}]

goddammit, im a grown woman and i do what i please when i please. thats evident.

astrobarry predicted i'd be introduced to a libra. who do i meet? a virgo-libra cusp. wowzers. the compatibility chart had some strong opinions about this. meet...well more like reacquaint myself with...more on that later...that's...something else.

1- ive been working out like a fiend for the last 2 months, even more the last 3 weeks and not missing a day in the gym in over 2.5 weeks, i feel great and i look great. i can now see how it will look with even more weight gone and that's awesome. his pillow talk on my level of sexiness were warranted and an incredible ego boost. natch.

2-its been 90 days since the breakup folks. think its safe to say i have really made the effort to move on in a proper way and i've mourned and cherished the end of that. i marinated on rebounding for 2 months of a respect for the situation...

3- this MLA is ridiculously hot. you could not kick him out of bed if you tried. seriously, tall w/ a body like a greek god and the most amazing hair. a full head of it even.

4- i had to cancel cinemax. it was destroying my faith in humanity. cause i'd fall asleep watching, oh i dont know, dances w/ wolves and wake up to some awful, foul, terrible shit involving 2-3 people and one awkwardly placed pair of legs. but something told me to cherish the last two nights i had skinemax and it came in handy- i need to publish a textbook, a how-to for the art of successfully handling an MLA in the new millennium. it would be called "he's just not that into you...if you act like you give a shit"

5- when you slim down, clothes fit perfectly. didn't really over think the outfit, a fresh blowout, tight jeans and translucent tight tee w/ neon pink bra, a pretty vaguely natural face plied w/ beer and conversation. yes a neon pink bra. inspired by carrie bradshaw by way of patricia field.

and finally...

6- this is what you are supposed to do, right? i dont know, im a beginner at breakup recovery!!
it was so very theatrical. right, that's how a director (he) and writer (i) would do things, in a very cinematic manner. there was a lot of chess in the beginning...some mind games, real historical discussion and a trading of facts, horror movie quizzing, the ever present question "why the hell do (i) have so many books?", getting to know you and then...always, the deus ex machina: the accidental ass swipe.

him: (as he's from what i can tell, smelling my hair as i grab a glass from high atop the cupboard) ooops...sorry bout that, my fault.
me: right. well, my ass is huge and my kitchen is small. bound to happen-right?

weirdo.

but i loved. it.

cause im fierce.

and its the SUMMER OF WYNTER.

but...here's where it gets sorta tricky...

i used to live above him.

and i wasn't a fan. so many restless nights i had from his loud ass.

so we bump into each other over a month ago. trade emails, not even phone numbers, nothing dangerous i was being nice. then i start getting these ultra-sultry emails. sometimes at 4 in the morning, sometimes at a normal hour, they went from hotsex to perfectly safe. i got confused that maybe it was ME who was being inappropriate. no he was inappropriate from start tho i thought he was joking, i never insinuated i wanted to go there. whatever. i was suspicious. but then he starts talking sugar, saying he has a crush on me, im pretty, i look good, this that and the other. goes on to say he didn't have a crush on me when i lived above him -- but he always thought i was "funny and interesting". always thought FL and I made a hot couple, was always curious about what one saw in the other and agreed w/ his roommate and aunt that i was the aggressor and he was the enabler. they had discussions about us? and he could hear everything we did. everything. oy.

we'd met up up once before, there was guacamole involved and some tequila but i dont really remember that night so well. partially because it was a blur. when we met up again, he reveals he didn't remember me being so hot or such a character. yea right. but then he kept the inquisition about fl, "he's such a nice guy" "i really like that guy..." "maybe you guys will work it out..." "seems like such a sweet guy"

in the end he spills "i just didn't understand what you two had.." ENOUGH ALREADY. why are you supposed to understand? i dont even understand. tunnelvision. no one was gonna clue you in, pal. you were NEVER on my radar.

you dont like the guy that much if you are trying to bang his ex. period. curious as a cat he was; about me, my life, my work, my attitude. intrigued that i would ever date and even go so far as to love (and i do, will always...) someone like FL. i poo-pooed talk of FL as much as i could as there is no need to go into details. thats weird. the funk of our relationship hanging over an otherwise silly night, no need. then the bombshell: he tells me that FL had led on that i was the nut in the relationship. if that doesn't put you on top of someone faster, finding out that your ex was hanging you out to dry. always tell the truth fella, cause the guy you are spilling to may be spilling it somewhere else later...maybe even into her.

q: do you worry FL will read this?
a: yes and no. yes, because im afraid of what he might think....no, because i can't really think about what he thinks anymore. his opinion of my life is no longer my business.

i sound feisty, but i had the best time. did i have reservations about hanging out w/ the neighbor to begin with. no. see above, i do what i want when i want. it always happens to me, first look at a guy whom i have peripheral exposure to and i could not be bothered a minute more, upon closer inspection however then i can kind of see what the big deal is. i forgot how to be boy crazy which is a good thing but now im just pensive and suspicious. remaining forever sexy while doing so.

so there it is. strong black independent woman. he's a by product of this self-love and what a nice piece of by product he is...on sex and the city, they always rebound on w/ someone completely opposite to what you were in love with. in this case, i hooked up w/ an incredibly funny and sarcastic jock who hates computers.

life is sooooooooo weird.