3 out of 4 aint bad...

best month on record and if obama wins, i will say that %75 of 2008 has EXCEEDED MY EXPECTATIONS.

what a year folks.

what a fucking year.

started with me attempting to salvage a mess of a relationship, get my foothold in this industry in which my knowledge is genius level and survive. just plain survival.

and look at what i have gained...its been so amazing. all the love, all the support, all the wealth.

i've earned more money this year than i ever have.
i've learned more about the woman i am to become.
i've fought off demons real and imaginary.
i've learned to accept who i am, and its non negotiable for others.

here i am about to trek back to chicago to cover the story in which i wrote and reporter and hustled dan rather style to put together. there is a reason my obsession with news as a baby was such, its my lifeblood. i love to be informed and to inform others.

since my blog is mostly about life love and sex, i'd say that love will come and it will be great again and i will totally welcome the right one in...but for now, the rest? is awesome.

i figure ive got one year...

...to do something big and wild before i can't be involved in the youngest people to do....whatever...under 30. then its a crap shoot and you either soar or suck. yes i admire my friends success. i have many friends who have reaped a lot of success. i appreciate their emotional support. i feel like perpetual little sister but that has propelled me to accept my fate. 29 is like RIGHT THERE. jesuchristo.

so...i guess i need to throw myself into something (my writing) - and get really passionate about (being a writer) it. take it (writing) somewhat more seriously than say what i consider serious now. my current passion, can i really get on another plane and go to mexico again at the urging of one of my best bestie's. i can be an insufferable brat and oh the grief that i give him (albeit with love!) he more than deserves 10 days away. i'm opting against. that's not realistic!

im focused on this election, the future and sarah palin, i'll be laughing hysterically at her shameless fall tomorrow. wow - is this really gonna happen. she's going to get blown out. we didn't fall for it! - my mom is protesting this over the phone to me when i call her to rehash the day's events. with mercury falling out of retrograde things are going back to normal? so she continues on about the collective "we" being the young people. she has faith in us, those under 30 to do the right thing. vote and be aware of the issues and what we are up against.

so sarah palin went through the slidng door of life and got the oliver stone version of "to die for". its what this whole situation surrounding her reminds me of - its the 80s. she has the boyfriend who suffered through all her magical whims and attempts at power and stardom - he loved her madly and got her pregnant as soon as he could. then she moves from multi-college graduate to pageant winner to sportscaster to super hockey mom to governor and now vice president? how dare we judge her and her life. her pregnant daughter and effably dorky babydaddy. the manicured pantsuits, the banana clip. we're making her nervous - shipping her off to big cities and making her pronounce countries and names only her dreams could conjur.
this lady is the american dream.

she's also the world's nightmare. what have we become. its my favorite chris rock quote: "are we that stupid america, that we'd fall for a trickless magician?!"

we did it before.

i ask you...

dont vote for this lady or that man.

we are already in a world of hurt. trying to live your best life should not be this difficult and our parents bore the brunt...

anyway...i have to tie it together - so i am focusing on making even MORE changes in my life - and that includes navigating my career into a narrow focus - success in my eyeline. really.
and as always honing my health. starting with the elimination of cigarettes. i just did it. third try, i think the charm. and just staying cuffless. to be perfectly honest.

Summer was fun but i think Fall is way more hawt.

:)

best of the rest

most blogs about women, who are single, and in their 20's. are full of dating recaps, girl's night outs and sex.

the before and latter minus the girls night out is not what yer gonna see for the near future. i say near because my desire is to bounce out of this fucking pool of despair very soon. and i will.

i went out with schwartz yesterday and had a blast with her and her baby son, jack as usual. we have been friends for almost 10 years. we've had one major fight in that entire time. friendship is something i dont take likely and i have learned the real importance as i've grown older. recently an old friend came back into my life. i hadn't seen her in over a year and when i sat down at Urth Cafe on Melrose to have a tea with her before rushing to a dinner with some PR friends of mine, i have to tell you that it was refreshing. seeing someone after a long time where there was no conversation i was happy to see her. the story is not worth repeating, she made a decision the rest of the mean girls didn't agree with. it was childish and motivated by selfishness, our actions. she was a selfish person once, she knows.

a year is a long time, and it reminded me of what would or could happen if i sat down w/ FL a year from now. its not the same, she was never my lover but the moment we sat down we talked and laughed like no more than a day had passed since we last saw each other. it was brilliant! we'll call her Lala. Lala and I spent the next hour of our meeting talking about the next stage of our relationship. designating wha boundaries we would set up. i saw maturity and fear in her - she doesn't want to be burned again. she still cares about our relationship but what touched me most was how she said she relied on our relationship for support and its because of who i am. when i changed my position in her eyes she felt torn and hurt. i get that and i understood. it made me realize how our words cut like a knife. she never forgot the words that made her decide not to be my friend anymore. and i hadn't even pinpointed what it could have been. more than ever its important to be present and focused. that's just the way its gotta be.

i can't imagine sitting down w/ FL for now and feeling healed. (Lala mentioned she wasn't all the way healed herself) i would still feel like everything that we've been through hurts my heart. last night i hung out with my friend jennifer and she's just so much fun. she's really smart, her opinion always valid she listens to me and calls me on my shit. i appreciate that. i debuted my skinny margarita. had not had that before and it was delish. i learned about it from my favorite guilty pleasure - "real housewives of new york" and bethenny frankel who is a healthy cooking chef.

here she is making it...its SO good. it tastes JUST like a margarita and its supposedly HALF the calories.

Bethenny's Skinny Margarita: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHtrFXb1s40

This is what I did last night at Pink Taco with Jenn, I ordered tequilla, soda water, Rose's lime juice, that's it. It was delicious.

Here's to a skinny summer. Hopefully, you know not if i keep each nachos.

that night

i rolled my eyes and took his business card. as i sauntered off, swinging my ass, he pushed it knee into my butt. Considering the way he looked, all dejected, wasted, glassy eyed behind his eyeglasses, torn flannel ,raver jeans and white tennis shoes that were now yellowish, i did not expect that gesture. i looked back at him. no shit eating grin, no lewd and lascivious theatrics, just his eyes right into mine and a sheepish half smile.

our date was one week later. it was strange, and exciting and i was my best fake self. i was overly confident, talkative and excited about life. i was zesty about life. he met me at my house, and he was nervous. we ate a terrible salad and he took videos and pictures of me when i wasn't looking. later i'd see them on his computer, me posing so well. pretending to be more woman than he can handle. it was the first date where i had so much fun.

i liked hearing what he had to say. i thought he was a total weirdo, but i liked his opinion. it was firm but shrouded in marshmellows. "no offense, just not my taste..." he said about a couple of shows i popped into the tivo. we decided to rent a video, "dumb and dumber" we both could agree on that, it was in fact one of our favorite movies.
we didn't make it past the soup de jour/sea bass incident before we were making out and soon in my bed. the moment i took my clothes off, his hands were all over my newly toned body. "wow, you're a real woman" he said and i took the lead - as i often do. i looked down at him while i straddled him and asked "how old are you?" he was 23. i was 25. i felt 60 to his 15. mentally.

i'd done this a lot of times, seduced someone, let them seduce me, fall into breathless pants and then wake the next day only to regret just how overtly sexual and incompatible me and said suitor were. no, not this time. that scared the shit out of me. he loved me body. he looked at it, ran his hands over it, made certain areas his favorite and not all of them sexual. he was afraid to show me his scar on his foot from an accident where he almost lost it. he showed stoic fear - thinking i was the typical girl who'd find those things gross and unseemly. it was remarkable. it was right at the moment, i knew i was supposed to be with him. didn't know how long, but that we were supposed to do great things together.

he came early. i got nervous. did i suck? does he suck? was this stupid? is that it?

"i'm sorry...are you mad?"
"are you kidding, sweetheart its fine"
"you're nice"
"so are you"
"and hot."
"you too"

this was our pet talk for what seemed like months, through holidays, trips, mini-squabbles, parties, getogethers, we were able to just be ourselves; both just wounded animals, trekking through the plains. looking for shelter, support, warmth. when did the moment collapse? the moment we began sharing the same address.

day zero

the whole reason i have yet to lose any substantial weight will be discussed profuseley at a later date. the current reason is just how bad i mismanage my time. but the underlying reason for that is i've been slowly breaking up with FL. he will be referred to as that because i respect his privacy, and he was my first love.

FL and I met courageously at a bar almost 3 years ago. the bar itself was unremarkable, i dont even think we wanted to go in but yet we just landed at this place. that night was magical for many reasons...i was steaming mad and heated from the absurdity spewing from my then suitor, we'll call him BJ. i started the night in santa monica meeting up with girlfriends over pasta and made a shortcut home to cry as BJ had told me with no emotion over the phone that he dates other women and I'm one of many. i got it and at that moment i realized, fuck that, i dont do multiples, i don't do being one of many like the movie "Alfie". I should be your one and only. There's no dispute on this for me, a one man woman, needs a one woman man.

thankfully drowning my sorrows in candy or ice cream wasn't an option since I recently lost 20 lbs. those 20lbs that i lost (and since regained) made me feel so incredibly dominant and proud. i felt better, my skin looked amazing, i had bi-ceps, i was wearing short sleeves and cut-offs, something i had not done in years. i was riding my bike everyday and hustling, just trying to keep my head above water and be awesome.meeting FL was a fluke, he was staring me down in line and I kept catching him out of the corner of my eye. he just seemed like a weirdo i wanted nothing to do with, but subconsciously i was posing for him. first his friend was eying me then FL. once inside the club i flirted with every type of guy, rich guys, old guys, poor guys, short guys, tall guys, eurotrash, frat bros, the list went on. i wanted to prove to myself i didn't need BJ for an ego boost, sex with him wasn't that great to begin with and i was tired of giving him BJ's. somehow i felt was never thin enough for him. yes, sexy, curvy and athletic, but not wiry with big tits. there is no fun in making a guy cum when you aren't going to get much out of it yourself. i'm always about FEELINGS and equality. ha!

FL followed me through the club. From the bathroom area to the other side of the bar near the patio from the patio to the dance floor. finally i just gave him what he wanted: attention. he was drunk, wearing the worst outfit i'd ever seen, half surprised they let him in. glasses, floppy blonde hair and the softest baby skin i'd ever seen.
he seemed shy, and inexperienced and young. i gyrated in front of him for a bit

whats your name?
FL, what's yours...
(his voice was like velvet Americana)

and finally i went in for it...and in the nicest possible way when someone is sort of stalking you...

why are you following me? what do you want?

and heres when my heart went boom... "because i saw you outside and i just needed to know you."