And so it is...

Just like you said it would be...


An email.

Facebook no less...

Dont really know what to say...

How do you respond?

Yes I'm great. Fine, even. Thank you.

I really am great, really am fine.

I'm happy. I'm content for now. Anxiety somewhat subsided.

There is less of it than there was before.

So how do I respond? And why haven't I yet.

Because the anxiety I felt when I knew it was the end...

which is strangely like when i knew it was the beginning of the end...

not really dissimilar than when i knew i was falling for him, and he for me...

is creeping up on my spine and makes the hairs of my neck stand up straight.

and...I dunno. I dont like that feeling allll that much.

lets hear it for the boy...

a few things about the guy i just started dating: we met cute at the binary party a few weeks ago.
he wears glasses and is blind as a bat w/o them. he hasn't traveled much, and suggested we go to NY together. hes funny and has a sharp wit and can sense my hesitation. "Am I am too young for you?" he asked while we walked arm in arm to the party from my apartment. "Ummm...I dont know yet. I just dont know." He reminds me of someone I used to know. The COT knows what I mean.

But his DJ schedule is a thorn in my side, he is more excited about molesting his Technics than me! I am jealous of two turntables and crowds of aimless 20somethings. i feel too old attending one of his gigs, what with their multicolored flyers and crazy fonts and cover charges. his myspace page looks like my car after a night at the Vanguard. Obvi, he fits my criteria for consideration; cute, weird and smart.

"what kind of mood are you in?" he asked after i was curt and brief in our IM exchange.

HA. i bristled at the insinuation i was in any kind of mood other than WONDERFUL.

"i just saw jay-z last night, my outfit was amazing, I danced my heart out, I am AWESOME"

"Great, that's fun -but i'm just getting a weird vibe from you"

OVER Instant Messenger? Aw hell...well...I've never been considered subtle.

Its just, I'm used to things moving so fast and now that I'm dating someone who moves pretty slow "Like an old man..." he claims...I dont know what to do with myself. So my first mode is to, pump the brakes, screech everything to a halt til I get an answer that satisfies me. This is the "stuff" you know, this is how you learn who you are in a relationship and who you are as a person seeking a relationship.

Oh ME, haven't I learned anything!!? They dont like that, they dont like being pressured or forced into anything. Who's forcing? They also don't like being asked questions directly, and looked in the eye and admitting when they are wrong. They also don't like being compared...

"And would you mind please not comparing me to your ex, I'm completely sure we are two different people, I'm actually positive we are nothing alike at all. K?"

My word. Melt a girl's heart why dont you...

"And trust me, I'm not OVER invested...yet."

Hisssscratch! He's a straight shooter which is something I appreciate.

He's also a DJ who smokes loose tobacco in hand rolled cigs and he wears skateboarding shoes but doesn't skateboard and lives in the deep Valley and LOVES it and doesn't like getting TOO crazy (and that would mean more than 3 drinks in one night) of course he also is obsessed with dance music and politics and sees right through my bullshit.He without doubt, does not let me act stupid for the sake of getting attention.

We are going to see "W" Monday or Tuesday and have dinner after that.

If it lasts 90 days, it will be incredibly fun no doubt.

As for insta-date, well, we are essentially "dating" because he wont stop calling and begging to take me out on a proper date, but I dont think he will make it past the threshold of real dating until he stops A) calling me and watching tv at the same time and B) stops saying I am making him "work" for it. He needs to be quiet.

avoid perverts

at all costs, they won't let you sleep and they won't take no for an answer.

i found this out the hard way about 2 weeks...don't let it happen to you.

its not fun, or funny. its wrong.

oh by the way...he told all his friends about it. that's not funny either.

grow up.

usually i'd be ok with the chatter, but something changed this summer - besides the blog which only a few people know how to access, i'm going to tone down my mouth. i'm not saying im a gossip, i just LOVE talking. especially about myself. and LOOOOOVE having an opinion, ESPECIALLY about others.

so the first time i keep it on the DL about someone, cause i didn't know how to feel about him, I've never dealt with someone having such a perversion, that i just kept it quiet.

quite honestly, i felt sort of violated?

but i wouldn't because he'd recognize that and then back off, for like 30 seconds...

no no no, its not allowed, no more.

im young enough to do it, but too old for it.

insta-date

had an insta-date on saturday.

an insta-date is when you are minding your business then a guy (or girl, for these purposes, a guy) approaches you and starts with the "business". "Hey there, you should give me your number" Ugh. Then you decide to do a date right then and there, whether its coffee or dinner or a bagel. from there its consummated or NOT because you want to see them again or NOT because its not gonna go anywhere AND you are not attracted to them.

dont know about you, but i generally give him the hand and move on - but this time i lingered because he literally went from bravado to shy in the span of 2 minutes. his game went to lame in under 120 seconds...he was intimidated! ugh I'm a bitch!

it was sad, cause maybe he's THE ONE and what am I doing! then he made a joke - so cute - a little joke about the fact that a nerd was blasting Vaudevillian muzak out of his beat up Honda. The guy says "I thought the Little Rascals were gonna come running after him"

That was cute, you must admit.

Well that was the extent of his charm as I later discovered. I invited him over for a glass of wine since he was funny and complimentary and I thought I could tolerate him for a minimum of 2-3 dates. I was feeling particularly adventurous, why not.

What does he do? Fucks it up within minutes...he ends up bringing over a comedy tape and proceeds to hi-jack my television with some of the most unfunny comedy I've seen in recent time. It was painful - and he was cackling for days.

Here's where he went wrong - can you spot it? He brought over a VIDEO on our insta-date. You're joking right - it not like we have been dating for a year now and shit is stale and the only thing to kind of hold our attention is watching this shit. I cannot really be watching you watch television right now...this is your life, this is that big moment - if I'm as pretty and smart and independent and funny and this is what you crave, need and desire cause you can't find it in LA, then I can't possibly have done anything to be less interesting in the time from come over to you arriving with a tape. Being nice I let him control the DVD for an hour - then I turned it off, but guess what, BEERFEST was on. Oh shit, Beerfest is on...kill power, KILL POWER. So he HAD to watch the tailend of Beerfest -this ends now- so I finished the night just like this...

W: Oh look at the time...
ID: Oh no! Hold on, I love this part...
W: I do too...so much that I'll pause it while I walk you out.

He grabbed his keys and wallet and we had an awkward hug - he drank most of my 2-buck chuck.

He texted me the next night at about 11 - "Hi" I responded "Hey, going to bed, have a great night" Then I shut off my phone. I awoke to this:

>:(


Holy shit, I know how to pick 'em.

That's the end of that.

love lockdown

I got some bad news this morning
Which in turn made my day
When this someone spoke I listened
All of a sudden, has less and less to say
Ohhhhhh how could this be?
All this time, I've lived vicariously
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
How will my story ever be tollllld now?
How will my story be tollllld now?

Made me feel like somebody
Hmmm, like somebody else
Although he was imitated often
It felt like I was bein myself
Is it a shame that someone else's song
Was totally and completely dependant on
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
I wonder if I'll live to grow old now
Gettin high cause I feel so lowwwww down

And maybe it's a little selfish
All I have is the memory
Yet I never stopped to wonder-ahhhhh
Was it possible you were hurtin worse than me
Still my hunger turns to greeeeed
Cause what about what I neeeeeed?!
And OHHHH~! Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Ohhhh I know I'm out of control now
Oooh-oooh, tired enough to lay my own soul down

me and mcdonald's are over.

that goes for the BK lounge as well.

i ordered from rainforest pizza the other day, the first time in a while. small pizza and greek salad. the guy gets to my door and its the same douche who delivers ALL the time.

he's always WAY too excited to see me and lingers way too long...

this time, he asked... "what happened to your boyfriend??"

i literally groaned and rolled my eyes....

"um we broke up..." hands him 20 and I start to leave...

"really??? man, you were such a cute couple..."

"well, things happen. ok thanks!"

"yea...he seemed like a good guy and you're a good woman...it was always nice to see you two"

meaning, its not that nice to see you single, as one whole person, alone paying for your own pizza out of your own pocket.

"well maybe one day you will see him again...

"oh that's so sad, i'm heartbroken"

REALLY?
...
REALLY?

no, I WAS HEARTBROKEN. YOU just deliver my pizza and offer unsolicited commentary for 5 minutes. listen, i'm not a heartless bitch, small talk is one thing, delving into my wounds when i've managed to bandage, heal and lighten them is another.

just because i blog about it doesn't mean the pizza guy gets to be all up in my shit, so i kindly told him

"listen, thanks so much for your concern, but i'm watching the convention, its live, so have a good night!"

and with that, i will never order from rainforest pizza again. or any other restaurant delivery service in my neighborhood that harbors an obsession with my ex.

(warning: DONT let that sweet face fool you. he packs a mean right hook when tipsy and tested on Hypnotiq. But who am I fooling, so do I....)

the end.

dear ben affleck

me: excuse me, ben affleck?
ba: yes, beautiful girl. your hair looks so pretty. how can i help you?
me: you are like my dream guy. minus the whole obnoxious phase with j.lo but i forgave you for that because honestly, if i dated j.lo. im guessing i would have acted the same way. i don
ba: go on
me: i mean, i love that you are bilingual, and a reader and a gamer and you like to gamble but you tinker with cars and motorcycles but you are SO focused on politics then you've got that wife of yours but also you are hot and i've loved you since i was 14...anyways...
ba: aren't you cute...
me: me? pshaa...you're the cute one. its so loud here! can we go somewhere intimate, other than invesco field...jen wont mind will she?
ba: who?
me: exactly.
ba: i want to steal away with you and shirk this whole hollywood lifestyle
me: oh no..dont say that! you wouldn't!
ba: baby, i would. i'll take you to my island-
me: you have an island!!?
ba: shutup
me: ok
ba: take you to my island and let you and the kids eat mangos shoeless while i move pork bellies
me: mangos? why mangos?
ba: this is your fantasy. im sensing you'd like a segway too?
me: well yea. and that pink diamond you gave j.lo? but in a pendant
ba: let me get my blackberry...i need to take notes
me: id like a green home on the baltic sea and one on star island
ba: fine.
me: thats it.
ba: pink diamond, green homes, segway
me: MANGOS
ba: mangos...got it.
me: this was easier than i thought ben affleck.

what is: what i imagine will happen when i finally meet ben affleck.

possibly this week.

cause im going to the convention

there will be photos.

never can say goodbye

every once in a while i get misty blue over the demise of my relationship. i have a tendency to jump into a shame spiral and then i conciously grab my "self" from the ride and focus on what i've won over this summer. see, i never thought i'd fall in love. seemed beyond impossible that someone would want to be with me and treat me like a woman. show me how first love for two people is so intimate, unyielding and magical. there were moments where i wanted it to be like the way it was, forever. i felt empowered, more feminine, i felt incredibly loved. he was the first man i could completely trust to have my heart. immediately after the breakup i tried not to show too much bravado. i didn't want to display a false sense of bravery. a break up means your are broken, pieces of your irreplaceable but, they make more. i have to take a beat and thank him; im a stronger woman today than i ever thought i could be. if he claims i made him into a man, i can say without blinking, he made me in to a woman.

from last month's O Magazine -
"Mourning teaches us how to accept the end of love and helps us start the process of feeling whole again. True, the self you get back is never quite the same as the self you relinquished to your relationship; although wounds can heal, they leave scar tissue. But there's more to gain than just surviving the breakup; there's also the possibility of becoming more than you were, more able to undertake the experience of love in its moments of sadness as well as joy. As with any art or skill, the only way grieving can be learned is through practice -- whether we like it or not."

there's not one day that goes by that I dont think about that part of my life. deep impact. i was cleaning my kitchen and picture upon picture came tumbling out of a cabinet of "us". there's the pic from hawaii where we walked the shore just past midnight. sure, we look happy, content. that picture didn't know that just a week later we'd begin a hellish 6 months of unraveling what we'd become. photobooth photos. where there was a photo booth, we were immortalized and immortal. me always sitting on his lap, him pressing his head against my cheek, shoulder or chest, dazed, confused, in awe. my smiles - big wide and proud. we have pictures of us on vacation, hiking, kissing, laughing. pictures of us drunk, stumbling around, grasping towards each other. theres videos of us in mexico celebrating the New Year wildstyle, us in hawaii chasing after roosters, talking to strangers while lounging in the surf. hiking up in Santa Barbara, staring at deer, me on the back of his motorcycle going where ever he would take me. the photos, you line them up, one by one, organized by date. when you get to the end...that's what it looks like: the end.

everyone of those stupid cliches i held onto from the time i was a child, came about naturally in the course of us being together...the cooing, the sickening affection, the emotion, the arguments, the pain...we just did the whole 360. neither one of us wanted to do it again. i grew up in a family where you don't divorce, you dont' leave, you endure. i wouldn't want him to endure for me, and vice versa unless we both really wanted to. i had to step out of myself and realize, sometimes you dont need to win all the races.

i miss my friend.

i will never not miss my friend. no one will ever be able to replace that loss. many can try, surely many will. i've had my fun this summer, this blog testifies to that. but one always gets nervous when they desire love and affection. can it happen again? will it? should i lock myself in a fortress and pretend it doesn't exist? become queenbaby and eschew efforts to find it, receive it...

im not obsessive, but then i go - does he think about me? does he blame me for much? was it inconsequential? a girl could go crazy thinking these thoughts day in and day out.

which is why i try to limit that thinking and focus on what's gained. a new sense of self. if i want to be the great wife, the desired companion, the madonna AND the whore...i need to focus on being the best at being with just me.

sports

"u miss me (?)"

thats what the text said. this coming from the MLA. lets give him a nickname, mr. spitz-coppola.

do i miss him? hmm...what a loaded question. do i miss you?

heres what i know i miss for sure:
i miss my mom and dad and little sister.
i miss my friends in the Bay.
i miss that amazing crispy chicken thai salad they used to have in downtown SF
i miss my childhood bedroom with all the yellow frills and toys and 4 post bed
i miss my grandmothers and great grandmothers
i miss my super nintendo and sega genesis
i miss single casette tapes
i miss the way my ex would be silly with me and then we'd snuggle on the couch and watch crime shows

do i miss him? not really.

i didn't know how to respond, he wasn't asking me if i missed our long walks, or holding hands over dinner or reminiscing about summers in tuscany. he's asking me if i missed doing it and doing it and doing it well with him, ok. i'm a lady. i dont respond to stuff like that unless we've already gotten past the honeymoon phase. so the responding text was "i can show you better than i can tell you."
its sexual volley. i will never let him think for two seconds that i'm dying inside when he's not around. i will never massage his ego because lets face it, he's incredibly hot and sexy and im not the only girl he's giving textlove to. i dont care, thats freedom!

i dont know him well enough to miss him. and i partially dont want to know him that well. the night after our latest rendezvous, i watched him walk away, one of my favorite things to do, and i didn't feel that ache you feel when someone is leaving that you really want. i hated to see my ex go, i hated to leave him in bed when i went to work. his cute freckles always beckoned me back to bed, his hugs sending me on my way.

yet this is why mr. spitz-coppola is incredible. i dont have to get to know him to the point where i'll be sad when he leaves, or when he doesn't call me or when he says something stupid. i haven't given him the opportunity to be an idiot, and he has expectations for my crazy. the ex told him about our spectacular brawls so he's waiting for the pin to fall out of the grenade. i wont give him that satisfaction. he has an unfair advantage already. but what if i decided to get to know him? i can't make a decision because its not at the forefront of my mind - work, bills, my poor car, dodging arguments, my health...he's in there, somewhere.

i dont want this forever. i see myself marrying, and making a family. cross my fingers before 35. even not working for a couple years to do that well. i can't imagine even being satisfied with the status quo come time for the holidays. but for now, its serves a purpose: pure ecstasy. i am entertaining the idea of dating more and have been chatting w/ a couple of suitors...nothing remotely serious. but i dont have enough time w/ my social calendar. in the next 2 months alone i'm going to Denver for the convention, Mexico w/ my girl Massi, New York to see my new besties and old besties and probably Hawaii. Well Im encouraging Hawaii.

i mean, you all know, i like him. i like his body. alot. besides his ultra dramatic george clooney/chuck bass sneer and the way he gazes at me, and laughs to himself when i say something smart ass. i can't forget that he was the annoying guy that lived below me and the ex. that he was this guy who was just totally full of himself and sooooo talkative, more than i am!

when i ran into the ex about a month ago, it was at the front of my mind that i was hooking up with the neighbor and i sputtered out like an idiot "DONT READ MY BLOG". he played coy, what blog? i knew he'd read it. but like i said before, i dont think i can feel bad about what i do and write on here. we all make choices...his decision was to leave and cast me way to the left. he's still making good on that decision. if i had to forcefully determine the next step in my life, i would never have predicted it would be screwing the neighbor. i think i like the fact that he was my neighbor more than anything.

no no no...

i think its his massive....ego. his abs. his biceps. my girlfriends say that he is the polar opposite of what im usually attracted to. i just think he's mannish. my ex was not. my ex was like a little boy, this guy is like rambo. i can't post his foto, or link to his imdb profile, he looks like an irish/italian version of matthew mcconaughey. best way to describe him. same body type, same chisled features, big curly hair. i will commit one blow to his ego and thats all ill allow...we like each other, i dont want to damage the man.

ok.

he's a terrible kisser. ive tried to teach him but it comes across like that scene on SATC when Charlotte dates the guy who kisses like a dog. Its like that. I know I have big lips and he unfortch has none, but he tries to eat my face and his beard rubs on my face and then i have to go to my happy place so i dont focus on how much lip gloss and tea tree oil i'll need to heal the layer of skin he's removed from my mouth and cheeks. I kinda hate that. plus i hate how he always has to dip me like he's cary grant. then he picks me up and drops me to the nearest cushion, like he's rhett butler. ( wait, kudos for being able to pick me up and toss me anywhere.) i also hate that he's worn the same outfit twice in a row. and i hate that his shirt says "future millionaire". but guess what, i dont have to focus on his fashion missteps and dramatics...Is that unforgivable?

ethical?

if the guy at the sprint store is in love with me and lets me know that everytime i come in, showing it by...lets say...pushing me to the front of the line, giving me a 1G of memory for my blackberry, encouraging everyone to help me expeditiously and saying he'd like to steal away to the parking lot and kiss me...should i blatantly ignore the fact that a love affair between us will NEVER happen, like...ever, and encourage him to use his "magic" to get me out of my contract so that I can get on the $99 anytime plan by suggesting something could?

or just pay the $200 contract bitch out fee and kindly tell him "this just. wont. ever. happen?"

epic disappointment

to no one in particular:

are men capable of anything but letting sleeping dogs lie? bygones be bygones? not sweating the small stuff?

if a man firmly believes in these ways of life, laws of living - its just showcases their inability to be sensitive to situations that generally upset women. sure they probably sidestep tons of life's soap operas, but it begs the adage "well-behaved women rarely make history."

now with the cover story of my company's competitor, screaming that SJP, a woman who's SUPPOSED to have it all, has been cheated on by none other than the loving, cuddly, waspy individual, matthew broderick. i guess a real man would allow her to have it all. a wimp wants it her perfect existence to show wear, to crumble, chip or smudge. like makeup and nails. well, after all, that's the most important thing to her anyway, right?

i am fed up with this wimpy behavior. its called insecurity fellas, plain and simple. and i know that a femme word for you all, and easily tossed about like it never applies to your sex, but you guys can be so. totally. fucking. insecure.

and the men who are willing to have a comment, to tell a woman how they really feel without hiding behind bravado, who are down to protect her and be on her side no matter what. take in account her feelings, give her constructive feedback and share in her joy and pain without feeling putupon?

they are few, far between.
but i would like to meet them.

i wish i could shake this persistent feeling of constant disappointment when it comes to the male species. i feel like every time a man opens his mouth, he's totally fucking lying.

for AD.

friend,

this shit sucks. and screw the god damned mini-feed.

its unfair.

its heartbreaking.

for me, there are days when im ELATED and don't even remember his face.

then there are days when its all i see; in others, in the design of my apartment, the dent he created on my car, the shirt he left in my drawer.

when i goto tell a funny story and he was involved in the best part.

sometimes i hear him say my name in my sleep. sometimes i dream that he's pushing me away saying, " just leave me be, please." how do you argue with the subconscious?

when im really sad i recite every mean thing he ever said and did, and that helps me bound out of bed...

then i remember all the things he'd said i'd never heard before and how it was the way i learned about love.

other days i just pretend he was somebody i knew that i don't really know anymore.

i think that when you try to push something out of your mind, it never goes away.

at some point it rears its ugly head and then its all you can think about until something drags it away back into the the recesses of your mind, its not that im in denial of my breakup, i just think that while necessary, its similar to taxes, parking tickets, rent. you dont want to deal with it but you have to.

sometimes i wonder if we can ever be friends. but then i wonder how he could ever look at me and not want to touch me.

other times i want to have the memory of him erased, i've done enough research to know that thats impossible.

it gets easier as some point. i guess. or so ive been told.

take as long as you need, i am.

until then, you have friend, family and loved ones and of course im always there if you need.

all that said...

THE SUMMER OF WYNTER STILL PREVAILS!

keep ya head up...

xoxox

exit strategy

oh please, there's always a contest with an ex-, its called "who'll die miserable".."
- samantha, sex and the city, "easy come, easy go"

saw the movie. of course i did, you crazy? like i could miss it for the world. i brought sas and jenn with me to watch. we had italian food and wine, me saddled w/ food poisoning from a beverly hills cafe i had to drink seltzer and nurse my colon. so upset!

then we get to the theaters and its filled to the brim w/ queens and chatty kathy's. meh. only seats avail were in front. oh man, my neck, my back, my stomach. this isn't starting well...
movie begins and im SOOO excited. they're back-- mah girls. so big, so vibrant so MAYJAH.
i love this show, i love this movie more...that is..until...jennifer hudson.

people say i look like her. a lot of people. i dont really think so, but at least she's an oscar winner. girl can SANG but i am cuter and well proportioned.

oh, no, wait...her storyline? "she's from St. Louis." That's fine. Millions are..."and a web designer moving to the big city for work and for love" why did she leave STL? "Because her boyfriend told her she wasn't the one" And God said "HA". I'd been waiting for this movie, for nearly a year and on the two month anniversary of his abandonment, they drop a plotline in as if it were talking to me and me only. i let out an AUDIBLE sigh during this revelation which drew a few snickers. if they only knew why I was a sighing. why i was suddenly losing interest in this movie, looking at my watch - thinking about how i had a whole other hour to deal.

you didn't miss the joke - my ex is a web designer from St. Louis. meh. think what you want, i was upset. and guess what, i have been doing GREAT until that and then enter the waterworks. the movie itself was fab, a solid B-. things i would have added, i wont spoil here, but otherwise, the experience was ruined by irony and my uppity colon.

with that, i've given up smoking. the girls said i needneedNEED to start formally disassembling my feelings for him. i cannot do that at a drop of a hat, so ive started letting go of habits that have built up over time. more drinking, more smoking...

so i will go 4 days in between booze
and distance myself at least a month without cigs.

that's the only exit strategy i can think of at the moment.

love affair with "sex"

i am one of those people who needs to wait for the alpha version of things. i do not believe in trying things out in beta. that was the QA department is for. i didn't start watching Sex and the City until season 2. i remember it being SHOVED down our collective throats. newsweek, time, today show, EW, People, this is pre-internet folks...back when people handled paper and READ things in black and white with 256 colors. i became obsessed, 18 years old and so unlucky in everything at the time, i lived vicariously through them and wanted so badly to lead their lives, with those friends. who knew that 10 years later, i'm pretty much right there. (minus the $, but Carrie was a broke ass early on too) i've got a miranda, a samantha and a charlotte in my fold, in multiples even.

i got mono in 1998 - essentially a year long bout of i dont know what, the worst gap year any child could have. i spent days at a time in bed, reading books, eschewing television (shocker) and essentially limiting my activity to walking to the bathroom, to the car, to McDonalds and back. my action with men was limited, hadn't even been with a handful but i hated rejection, felt fat, unattractive and the biggest L7 on record. before you cough and assume that SATC saved me from the reject pile - it didn't, but it gently nudged me toward my own emotional and sexual revolution which in turn assisted in the development of my early adulthood.

i immediately deemed myself a carrie/miranda as I was optimistic about love but like Miranda, every time a man makes a move or opens his mouth he's talking sugar. Sweet, tasty, addictive - bad for you. but the CB optimism lets me fall for the good the bad and the ugly with careless abandon.

so...in honor of my favorite show on earth, the only one i still watch on repeats even though I own every season, the only show for which I've bought all the fan and table books, the only show that I have a board game for - the only show I am ok with having a movie version -here are things I've learned from SATC:

• look your best always, because of Carrie's unfortunate situation where she ended up on the cover of New York looking beat to shit, always stay prepared. you are your brand.
• a mr. big is great from time to time, but when you've got an Aidan, don't make him a Big. And if you do (like I did) expect him to bypass Big in arrogance and become a Berger. meh.
• studio apartments are cute! i wouldn't store sweaters in my stove but I put DVDs and Books in my kitchen cabinets. your home is you - decorate accordingly.
• when you move in or let a man move in with you...get a big enough apartment to fit your collective shit and dont have white furniture, in case you decide to pour coffee on him when he embarrassingly casts you out of a family outing. coffee grounds are hard to get out and take repeat washings.
• dont approach the ex-wife who is only the ex cause you were shtupping her man. even if you look hot shuttling down Lex in a newsprint mini dress.
• date your city. get to know it, find the nooks you like and cuddle there. don't begrudge its annoying tendencies, try to endear yourself to its idiosyncrasies - once you love your city, it'll love you back.
• love your friends, in good and in bad. be willing to tell them the truth, whole and nothing but and expect to hear it back. support them in their wins and losses, never judge or cause undue pressure.
• when you FALL down, flat on your face, even dressed to the nines with H. Klum about to trample you with her big German feet and former Mayor Koch following suit, get your ass RIGHT BACK UP, flash a smile and sashay up and down and off that runway.
• its ok to be obsessed with stuff - im obsessed with books, carrie is with shoes - if it makes you happy, can't be that bad...

i could go on.

most of SATC didn't sink in until my relationship started getting funky and finally ending. it makes alot of sense now and having this movie come out as i enter this next phase of life not only as a single grown ass woman but as a woman who has loved and lost love and now embarking on a more mature, successful and adventurous life filled with risk, tempation and challenges - i'm finding comfort in knowing ten years later, you can count on them to bring the LOLs and tears.

welcome back ladies.

so poof, vamoose sonafabitch.

i was laying on schwartz's grass in her awesome backyard.

too many vodka's had set in w/ the balmy sun and i was totally in my head about everything.
thinking of my life so far, what i want, how to move forward, how to get past loss, how i feel about my rebirth, my social life and how does one manage it while not ruining their face (vanity) and my palms started sweating, heart palpitating. here comes schwartz with a mini ipod beatbox. "wanna hear some music, dude?" she throws on some tunes and the first song to come up is the 311 song, "all mixed up". reminds me of being 15 when i first heard this song on live 105 and being all mixed up was becoming something of a fashion for me.

literally, sitting on the grass, watching the fauxphew drive his fake lawn mower around the yard, it occurred to me the lyrics of the song...

You've got to trust your instinct, and let go of regret. You've got to bet on yourself now star 'Cause that's your best bet

So that's what I'm gonna do...

The simplicity of watching this kid, laying on the grass in a quiet neighborhood at my best friend's house, career is going great, things are shaping up nice, I lost 10 lbs. and this kid, just born not even 2 years ago - he got the biggest kick out of playing with that faux-mower while it would have held my attention for 2 seconds before I was looking for my cocktail.

these are simple pleasures, small stuff...life is great again.

So I'm trusting my instinct, letting go of regret and betting on myself.

allow me to welcome you to the
Summer of Wynter,

ive probably seen "knocked up" 43 times.

it doesn't get old.

and even though i've never been pregnant, or had babydaddy drama, i still understand the idea of getting in a relationship with someone who is your exact opposite and developing a love for that person--even though they act like a total fucking idiot.

it occurred to me as i was driving home that this shit is hard. this "living" shit. no one falls in love to imagine their break up and possible ensuing divorce proceedings. its cliche for me to say, if i knew breaking up would be this hard, i would have never fell in love.

i think that every other day.

then i thought about writing about it here, because most people cower behind the mask of a happy fancy free single life. everything is bubbly and driving w/ the top down to gwen stefani and dancing, drinking and makeovers. yea i'm doing all that. but still.

AND how crazy is it now that babies and marriage are in vogue? all these pretty pregnant celebrities just getting knocked up and then have elaborate yet hushed nuptials behind opulent manses. SO. ANNOYING. its a fashion, just like stirrups and slap bracelets it will go away and then rear its head later on in the 20-teens. it wasn't "fashionable" EVEN 2 years ago for some of these assholes to be a parent. which means in 2 years i could be all eff it and become a career super bitch devoid of carnal instinct.

whatever, that's a basic instinct for me. as important as sight.

so now i'm obsessed with getting married and starting a family. to the point that i am starting to think of out clauses in the event this doesn't happen; freezing eggs, adoption, one night stand with someone incredibly smart and hot.

who am i kidding, i will get married, i will have kids. i am thinking too far ahead because basically if i had a baby right now, i'd be so screwed.

i am not a coward when it comes to falling in love, i will do it again.

gossip girl (in my bed)

we were just laughing hysterically
and i'm loving my unprocessed hair for summer.

gossip girl - look i'm obsessed all of the sudden. with the resurgence of all this crap that is being remade when it was original only 15 years ago...i'm impressed with this show that no one is watching. because it goes to that place i wish 90210 and swan's crossing and fifteen would go but didn't. sex, drugs, spending daddy's money...loves it.

since i've become single again, i've been ultra busy and kept in good company. there's not one day that doesn't go by that i dont have a phone call, BBM, text or email that i need to return or answer. its expensive my lifestyle, but the 401K retrieval is going to assist in this. i've been focusing on being positive and i got a great reading at our event yesterday by the numerologist. who basically said i was like this golden child on this planet. i was born to take over something and do really well and money is going to be piled up in a spare room like that scene in "Blow". She said my spirituality is an issue for me that I fight. Its been that way since birth, I'm not a church person. But she said not to worry, I'm spiritual and I will find a place to express that later in life after I've conquered this first part, becoming self realized.

i'm out every night, so much that i have a clean apartment save for the Kilimanjaro sized pile of laundry that needs to be folded. im not lonely, i don't feel alone - i feel overwhelmed by the love and support and that makes me sort of shy.

hung out with jennifer tonight at the grove. we did the usual - our lives over dinner and drinks. she is the best, love her to pieces. i talked to her about the strange email that i was inadvertantly (or at least i want to think) cc'd on. goddamn the cc.

she is a voice of reason i can agree with and since she knew FL and had an affection for him as she lost a parent at a young age too, and felt rage like FL did and does she had plenty to say. she was surprised when i said that it was the death knell in my sympathy for him. the email content is separate issue it was the manner in which it sent (drunkenly), and in comparison to the email sent TO him by my partner in mehab, maryanne, it was ridic and just so very predictable and disappointing.

i know what to do next time (im in love) and unfortunately it means being a little less carrie/samantha and alot more charlotte/miranda. less available, less willing to be a push over and quick to forget. i identified something too, that we had to get drunk in order to relate and then we'd end up fighting. what kind of shit is that?

i gotta put my foot down and not put up with shit because my belief in LOVE is just that - a belief that for better or worse you must love someone in spite of their faults and they will love you back. plus, my all or nothing approach to matters of the heart is not a bad thing. i loved him more than i've ever loved anyone (Besides family) in my whole life. he just did it for me, all the way. and the things that bothered me most, his issues with his family (whom i felt were intrusive and judgy) and protecting me were things i constantly tried to work with him on, gave him space with and often felt were my issues.

nope, that email just proved that his issues are entirely unique to one person: him. plus again, i was embarrassed in front of someone who didn't need to know that side of him. thankfully she is a pro and its no sweat off her nose, but the moment i saw the email - like i said a few posts ago, i was horrified and sick to my stomach. then within a few days, relief. its not me - its him. i dont know where his head's at, but i know where mine is.

when we met i was in this place - freedom. freedom from feeling like i am not good enough, pretty enough or happy enough. not that he was abusive in that sense, he was very complimentary of me. but when you are in a relationship that's entirely too dependent you just start feeling like you HAVE to say those things to that person or you know what happens when its not said. as a matter of fact, i felt THAT way with the person i was casually see when i met him.

as much as i could have a comment or a great email to write in response to that fuckery i dont really have a comment. my response is simply in my being quiet. there is nothing to say, i am ME, happiness is not sunshining out of my ass, but i can think clearly about who I am. and lets just say, i wont be emailing him drunk one night reducing our relationship to a terribly tasteless joke, to a person i've never met. now its clear why my friends are telling me i seem really happy and back to my old self. im not my old self, i'm just me free of drama.

there is fun drama, like oh i got another ticket or oh there's a lizard in my bedroom WAAHH and then theres stay up till 4 in the morning and my tears are flowing and i'm tryna make it right drama. lately, if i'm up till 4am its because i'm having the time of my life.

meh.

jenn and i were pretty good about dinner, though i had 2 bellinis. she makes me laugh so hard. and we talked about sunday box office which is my favorite topic of discussion. plus she also talked about dr. retardo her ex who is on a very popular, critically lauded, ratings challenged sitcom. that's his MO. he's gross and i've met him at chateau once or twice. not a looker, but that's not her fault. she talked of how she avoided gossip blogs because of his growing popularity due to a movie he was in that sort of performed below expectations. natch. sounds like their relationship.

rogan at target

i had the pleasure of being invited to the rogan @ target event last night held at barney's in beverly hills. it was my favorite kind of event, booze and shopping.

i was there representing the 'zine, but i was more or less there to not think about how much people cross boundaries. i found out my boss wrote FL. i dont know why my boss is all up in my business! what possessed him to have the gumption to do that -- it made me bawl at my desk questioning whether to take my tear soaked face to the event. is nothing sacred? even the tattered dress that is my former relationship? apparently not in LA. obvi....the worst part is later that night i was cc'd on an unusual email from him to my partner. then i woke up this morning w/ a stomachache and dry mouth from anxiety- the fact that I had not felt like this in almost 2 months is telling...

RE: last night, ive found i have the most courage and conviction when i am angered and im possessed to make change (and i've had a lil' of the ol' bubbly) so i went to the event armed w/ some cash and a plan: to talk about mehab. i ran into gabby union and sanaa lathan and they remembered me from my wma days toiling under his darkness

(sidebar: still haven't decided whom i would want to play his darkness in my movie...

either



OR


)


anyway...i talked up the site...told them how the plan is for it to be like oprah.com but lighter, funnier, smarter and younger. that's the hook. it will have the functionality to do everything that site does but on a smaller more focused scale. it will celebrate beauty in all shapes and forms and champion women who are kicking ass. it will be a digi-ass kicking for women who are just not living their best life and they need to know - THIS IS IT. there is no see you next time when it comes to living. so lets just live.

sanaa and gabby were DOWN. that was music to my ears. they were SO down in fact they gave me their emails and told me to just say the word and its on. see. this is how it should be done. be passionate, talk about your projects, be sincere. i knew to whom i was bantering with, these women are my idols - i ADORE them and have done so for nearly 10 years. i let them know, you are out there representing black women and i ADMIRE you for that day in, day out. they were funny and commented about my desire for a weave, "girl just get one...get on with it" how im desperately trying to flee the gutters of hollywood and build something i can be proud of. they admitted how they are trying to hold the black community together even as they try to focus on their careers. sanaa admitted she was doing the new earth on oprah.com but then i told her "what if there was a new earth that spoke to women who were going to school, high or college and then trying to navigate transitioning from their 20's to 30's?" her eyes widened. she loved it. that made me feel amazing. i wake up everyday knowing im closer to the apex of success when i talk about it to people and how i feel like THIS is the thing i need to be doing. i'm being driven to do it. they informed me that i need to make a conscious effort to continue to move forward w/ my life and told me "girl, don't worry - you will be ok - you're beautiful, get out of this phase which wont last much longer and then proceed to just work it." we exchanged emails, they introduced me to others and talked up mehab on MY behalf.

seriously.

mena suvari, kidada jones, all were totally fascinated and excited to hear about my pet project that im turning into an empire. ran into SO many people as per usual, the DJ was great and i barely had any appetizers i was so wound up from excitement. oh and the clothes. WELL of course the clothes were fab.

rogan's

his line is clean and funky but these were basics. i grabbed up 4 shirts that totally screamed Weird Science 1985. the 80's are back...sigh...AGAIN. but its like more late 85-87. a good fashion period for me. oh and he said "i love what you are doing, we'll be in touch..." and handed me his card. so there you go. SUCCESS.

this is good.

Trust is a drunk driver's highway, darling. TAKE THE BUS.

being a bitter betty is not a good look and it certainly makes my makeup run on occasion.

officially not bitter.

SHIA LEBOUF BACK SHOT

le sigh....

Thanks to everyone for reminding me how my taste in men makes it a total buyer's market. That doesn't really do anything for my sensitivities right now but its nice to know that there is a supply that can meet my demands.

Too soon.

Meanwhile how much am I loving Madge's new album. A whole lot.

iron man

going to see it tonight. tried to go last night 2 times and get to arclight and its all sold out. hilarious. we trudged back to my car to attempt to go to citywalk (which i didn't REALLY want to do) and i kept passing this amazing black Infiniti, then I turned to james and said "wait, is this the same floor" and he replies with his signature laugh and "you don't tell anyone and i won't either...promise?"so this is obvi after a huge 420 sesh back at my place. we drove around the 5th floor parking 6 times. SIX TIMES.

well...i wont tell anyone else.

being each other's wingman is a gift and a curse. who better than to hang out with when you desire male companionship, its just easy - boys don't have as many hangups as women. and the girls that i'm friends with who have no hangups are busy being married, divorced, mother's, careers. i'm little miss newly single (must get a shirt for that) and really single like a rebirth of sorts and its seems difficult for me to just be a girl out flirting trying to catch bait. i can't do that. im dating myself. would i date me? not right now. in a few months i would, and i would feel lucky. ive learned so much about myself in the last 3 weeks. about what i'm capable of given my passion. of how i can effort change and decide whom i keep company with. i've done like a company re-org now that the co-ceo has bailed on the partnership. when you trim the fat, we're smarter, better, faster, stronger. plus having a boy that is your friend who knows you intimately but no longer is in my opinion the new black. you aren't concerned about feeling awkward with them cause how much more awkward can it get, you've seen the other's O face - so what's so hard about just bitching to each other and going out to parties?? nothing. its so easy. i think we're just glad we aren't breaking up with each other, cause we dont have to.

the curse is, i dont know how to not be awkward when he's picking up chicks, and NOT in that way where i'm jealous, just how do i navigate out of that situation cause its awkward. i'm not actively seeking sue right now - i'm taking it day by day and getting to REALLY know myself. i have no time for getting down w/ anyone. plus i have a plan...a big plan. THE plan of all plans. so i just walk away and go smoke a cigarette and hope i run into someone i know. which happens alot. being single is strange. im like craning my neck looking at boys, i caught myself being stalkerish with a BUS DRIVER in westchester yesterday as i drove schwartz's lexus back to her apartment. but im just looking. i can't open my mouth and do anything but talk about how mature i feel. how much i enjoy partying. how i wish i could negotiate partying w/going to the gym.

so many parties.


i luv luxe vehicles like schwartz'- nice smooth ride, of course i blew up the speakers she is happy about the mix i left for her "pyr8 bootie mixx 2008" and hanging w/ jack, that kid is golden.

the kid looks like my ex. its not his issue. so its not easy when i look at him, those big ol' green eyes trying to pierce my soul. he's so good at that. i like making faces at him and talking to him like he is an adult. babies are freakish, this baby belongs to one of my best friends, i can't believe she gave birth. i can't believe she lost all her baby weight. i can't believe i actually love her new man. schwartz and i will take a nerd over a stud any day. if god provides both which is a coup, we'll accept those too.

andy dugan called me a bad ass today. which i totally agree with. and to you my friend.

im twittering.

i slept like a baby last night. i think turning off the TV has something to do w/ it and i had a dream about my grandmother. she told me that she was very proud of me and this is key because every time she's stopped by my astral plane, she's been pissed. so it was incredibly gratifying to have her tell me she is very proud of me. i needed to feel that energy. i needed to connect to my ancestors.

i can already tell this week is gonna be just hectic. lunches, mother's day in san fran, events. ugh. i want to be on vacation. from reality.

the date is set however for vacation: august 29 - sept 6

i am heading out of the country.

i think i'm going to go to paris because my mom said it will make me cry and then to yucatan so i can swim.

aniston is my motivation. with biel's ass of course and beyonce's waist. thank you.