get paid to blog

oh ok.

why not?

this was my fourth attempt at a blog. the first one earned me considerable recognition and the ones in between didn't really count and this one was because i wanted to talk about my relationship and the breakup. that almost feels a million years ago. just like thinking about the night we met feels like a kazillion years ago.

so here i am now taking on all sorts of new responsibilities job and life and otherwise. which means my life is about to totally effing change. and you want to see a girl who is about to take the world and this industry by storm? you're reading about her right now.

so now im getting some freelance work because of the blog and my work IRL, its a pretty big deal and its basically going to get open up a world i've tried to get into for a while.

the real honest true life of a writer. everything that comes with it. the passion, the hope, the wracking of the brain for ideas, the visions and notetaking, the preparation the focus and sleepless nights. the research, the parties, the swag, the trips to dig up sources and clues and ideas...all of it. bring it. BRING. IT.

cause if you haven 't heard, i have had a pretty interesting and challenged life. it wasn't be my parents sucked, or we had no money, or i lived in a bad neighborhood (none of those...) its because since the day i was born - my brain wanted to be 30 while my body and experience were lacking in support of that notion. im ready to be 29, i'm ready to be 30.

i'm also ready to be a mom and a wife and blah blah blah but FIRST i'm ready to proliferate my conciousness which is just plain maverick.


Noun
1.
maverick - someone who exhibits great independence in thought and action
rebel
recusant, nonconformist - someone who refuses to conform to established standards of conduct


yea that pretty much explains my purpose here. i want to bring it back to reality. i was a recessionista before CNN tried to coin the term, i was on Amy Winehouse's beehive and turquoise bra strap before she screamed BLAAAAAAKE for the first time, i was blogging in 2001 and got DOOCED for it before she coined DOOCE.

original gangster.


more to come....

3 out of 4 aint bad...

best month on record and if obama wins, i will say that %75 of 2008 has EXCEEDED MY EXPECTATIONS.

what a year folks.

what a fucking year.

started with me attempting to salvage a mess of a relationship, get my foothold in this industry in which my knowledge is genius level and survive. just plain survival.

and look at what i have gained...its been so amazing. all the love, all the support, all the wealth.

i've earned more money this year than i ever have.
i've learned more about the woman i am to become.
i've fought off demons real and imaginary.
i've learned to accept who i am, and its non negotiable for others.

here i am about to trek back to chicago to cover the story in which i wrote and reporter and hustled dan rather style to put together. there is a reason my obsession with news as a baby was such, its my lifeblood. i love to be informed and to inform others.

since my blog is mostly about life love and sex, i'd say that love will come and it will be great again and i will totally welcome the right one in...but for now, the rest? is awesome.

lets hear it for the boy...

a few things about the guy i just started dating: we met cute at the binary party a few weeks ago.
he wears glasses and is blind as a bat w/o them. he hasn't traveled much, and suggested we go to NY together. hes funny and has a sharp wit and can sense my hesitation. "Am I am too young for you?" he asked while we walked arm in arm to the party from my apartment. "Ummm...I dont know yet. I just dont know." He reminds me of someone I used to know. The COT knows what I mean.

But his DJ schedule is a thorn in my side, he is more excited about molesting his Technics than me! I am jealous of two turntables and crowds of aimless 20somethings. i feel too old attending one of his gigs, what with their multicolored flyers and crazy fonts and cover charges. his myspace page looks like my car after a night at the Vanguard. Obvi, he fits my criteria for consideration; cute, weird and smart.

"what kind of mood are you in?" he asked after i was curt and brief in our IM exchange.

HA. i bristled at the insinuation i was in any kind of mood other than WONDERFUL.

"i just saw jay-z last night, my outfit was amazing, I danced my heart out, I am AWESOME"

"Great, that's fun -but i'm just getting a weird vibe from you"

OVER Instant Messenger? Aw hell...well...I've never been considered subtle.

Its just, I'm used to things moving so fast and now that I'm dating someone who moves pretty slow "Like an old man..." he claims...I dont know what to do with myself. So my first mode is to, pump the brakes, screech everything to a halt til I get an answer that satisfies me. This is the "stuff" you know, this is how you learn who you are in a relationship and who you are as a person seeking a relationship.

Oh ME, haven't I learned anything!!? They dont like that, they dont like being pressured or forced into anything. Who's forcing? They also don't like being asked questions directly, and looked in the eye and admitting when they are wrong. They also don't like being compared...

"And would you mind please not comparing me to your ex, I'm completely sure we are two different people, I'm actually positive we are nothing alike at all. K?"

My word. Melt a girl's heart why dont you...

"And trust me, I'm not OVER invested...yet."

Hisssscratch! He's a straight shooter which is something I appreciate.

He's also a DJ who smokes loose tobacco in hand rolled cigs and he wears skateboarding shoes but doesn't skateboard and lives in the deep Valley and LOVES it and doesn't like getting TOO crazy (and that would mean more than 3 drinks in one night) of course he also is obsessed with dance music and politics and sees right through my bullshit.He without doubt, does not let me act stupid for the sake of getting attention.

We are going to see "W" Monday or Tuesday and have dinner after that.

If it lasts 90 days, it will be incredibly fun no doubt.

As for insta-date, well, we are essentially "dating" because he wont stop calling and begging to take me out on a proper date, but I dont think he will make it past the threshold of real dating until he stops A) calling me and watching tv at the same time and B) stops saying I am making him "work" for it. He needs to be quiet.

insta-date

had an insta-date on saturday.

an insta-date is when you are minding your business then a guy (or girl, for these purposes, a guy) approaches you and starts with the "business". "Hey there, you should give me your number" Ugh. Then you decide to do a date right then and there, whether its coffee or dinner or a bagel. from there its consummated or NOT because you want to see them again or NOT because its not gonna go anywhere AND you are not attracted to them.

dont know about you, but i generally give him the hand and move on - but this time i lingered because he literally went from bravado to shy in the span of 2 minutes. his game went to lame in under 120 seconds...he was intimidated! ugh I'm a bitch!

it was sad, cause maybe he's THE ONE and what am I doing! then he made a joke - so cute - a little joke about the fact that a nerd was blasting Vaudevillian muzak out of his beat up Honda. The guy says "I thought the Little Rascals were gonna come running after him"

That was cute, you must admit.

Well that was the extent of his charm as I later discovered. I invited him over for a glass of wine since he was funny and complimentary and I thought I could tolerate him for a minimum of 2-3 dates. I was feeling particularly adventurous, why not.

What does he do? Fucks it up within minutes...he ends up bringing over a comedy tape and proceeds to hi-jack my television with some of the most unfunny comedy I've seen in recent time. It was painful - and he was cackling for days.

Here's where he went wrong - can you spot it? He brought over a VIDEO on our insta-date. You're joking right - it not like we have been dating for a year now and shit is stale and the only thing to kind of hold our attention is watching this shit. I cannot really be watching you watch television right now...this is your life, this is that big moment - if I'm as pretty and smart and independent and funny and this is what you crave, need and desire cause you can't find it in LA, then I can't possibly have done anything to be less interesting in the time from come over to you arriving with a tape. Being nice I let him control the DVD for an hour - then I turned it off, but guess what, BEERFEST was on. Oh shit, Beerfest is on...kill power, KILL POWER. So he HAD to watch the tailend of Beerfest -this ends now- so I finished the night just like this...

W: Oh look at the time...
ID: Oh no! Hold on, I love this part...
W: I do too...so much that I'll pause it while I walk you out.

He grabbed his keys and wallet and we had an awkward hug - he drank most of my 2-buck chuck.

He texted me the next night at about 11 - "Hi" I responded "Hey, going to bed, have a great night" Then I shut off my phone. I awoke to this:

>:(


Holy shit, I know how to pick 'em.

That's the end of that.

sports

"u miss me (?)"

thats what the text said. this coming from the MLA. lets give him a nickname, mr. spitz-coppola.

do i miss him? hmm...what a loaded question. do i miss you?

heres what i know i miss for sure:
i miss my mom and dad and little sister.
i miss my friends in the Bay.
i miss that amazing crispy chicken thai salad they used to have in downtown SF
i miss my childhood bedroom with all the yellow frills and toys and 4 post bed
i miss my grandmothers and great grandmothers
i miss my super nintendo and sega genesis
i miss single casette tapes
i miss the way my ex would be silly with me and then we'd snuggle on the couch and watch crime shows

do i miss him? not really.

i didn't know how to respond, he wasn't asking me if i missed our long walks, or holding hands over dinner or reminiscing about summers in tuscany. he's asking me if i missed doing it and doing it and doing it well with him, ok. i'm a lady. i dont respond to stuff like that unless we've already gotten past the honeymoon phase. so the responding text was "i can show you better than i can tell you."
its sexual volley. i will never let him think for two seconds that i'm dying inside when he's not around. i will never massage his ego because lets face it, he's incredibly hot and sexy and im not the only girl he's giving textlove to. i dont care, thats freedom!

i dont know him well enough to miss him. and i partially dont want to know him that well. the night after our latest rendezvous, i watched him walk away, one of my favorite things to do, and i didn't feel that ache you feel when someone is leaving that you really want. i hated to see my ex go, i hated to leave him in bed when i went to work. his cute freckles always beckoned me back to bed, his hugs sending me on my way.

yet this is why mr. spitz-coppola is incredible. i dont have to get to know him to the point where i'll be sad when he leaves, or when he doesn't call me or when he says something stupid. i haven't given him the opportunity to be an idiot, and he has expectations for my crazy. the ex told him about our spectacular brawls so he's waiting for the pin to fall out of the grenade. i wont give him that satisfaction. he has an unfair advantage already. but what if i decided to get to know him? i can't make a decision because its not at the forefront of my mind - work, bills, my poor car, dodging arguments, my health...he's in there, somewhere.

i dont want this forever. i see myself marrying, and making a family. cross my fingers before 35. even not working for a couple years to do that well. i can't imagine even being satisfied with the status quo come time for the holidays. but for now, its serves a purpose: pure ecstasy. i am entertaining the idea of dating more and have been chatting w/ a couple of suitors...nothing remotely serious. but i dont have enough time w/ my social calendar. in the next 2 months alone i'm going to Denver for the convention, Mexico w/ my girl Massi, New York to see my new besties and old besties and probably Hawaii. Well Im encouraging Hawaii.

i mean, you all know, i like him. i like his body. alot. besides his ultra dramatic george clooney/chuck bass sneer and the way he gazes at me, and laughs to himself when i say something smart ass. i can't forget that he was the annoying guy that lived below me and the ex. that he was this guy who was just totally full of himself and sooooo talkative, more than i am!

when i ran into the ex about a month ago, it was at the front of my mind that i was hooking up with the neighbor and i sputtered out like an idiot "DONT READ MY BLOG". he played coy, what blog? i knew he'd read it. but like i said before, i dont think i can feel bad about what i do and write on here. we all make choices...his decision was to leave and cast me way to the left. he's still making good on that decision. if i had to forcefully determine the next step in my life, i would never have predicted it would be screwing the neighbor. i think i like the fact that he was my neighbor more than anything.

no no no...

i think its his massive....ego. his abs. his biceps. my girlfriends say that he is the polar opposite of what im usually attracted to. i just think he's mannish. my ex was not. my ex was like a little boy, this guy is like rambo. i can't post his foto, or link to his imdb profile, he looks like an irish/italian version of matthew mcconaughey. best way to describe him. same body type, same chisled features, big curly hair. i will commit one blow to his ego and thats all ill allow...we like each other, i dont want to damage the man.

ok.

he's a terrible kisser. ive tried to teach him but it comes across like that scene on SATC when Charlotte dates the guy who kisses like a dog. Its like that. I know I have big lips and he unfortch has none, but he tries to eat my face and his beard rubs on my face and then i have to go to my happy place so i dont focus on how much lip gloss and tea tree oil i'll need to heal the layer of skin he's removed from my mouth and cheeks. I kinda hate that. plus i hate how he always has to dip me like he's cary grant. then he picks me up and drops me to the nearest cushion, like he's rhett butler. ( wait, kudos for being able to pick me up and toss me anywhere.) i also hate that he's worn the same outfit twice in a row. and i hate that his shirt says "future millionaire". but guess what, i dont have to focus on his fashion missteps and dramatics...Is that unforgivable?

pretty hate machine

what happens in vegas stays (forcefully) in vegas. i like to think I'm the kind of girl who can rough it when necessary, but this last trip to Vegas has proven that while I tow the line between modern girl of spoils and struggling wannabe, I have to make a decision about which way its gonna go. f'reals. I'm either the Eliza Doolittle/Shug Avery/Holly Golightly for the brown girl set or I's isn't.

See: I left the driving to Greyhound and that was a MISTAKE. The lowest of the low, scummiest of the scummy. I'm not even for a little bit the kind of girl who looks down at people with her nose way high up in the air. Even w/ my job being what it is and the awesomeness associated with it, what I get exposed to, blahblablah, I never let myself forget that when I go home, I put my pants on, one leg at a time, and DONT make gold records. i dont care how much you schmooze, and get hooked up...or how many celebs you drink the night away in close company of, i have to manage this lifestyle on MY salary. and that aint much.

I was literally shaking as I left the yard watching my car through the nasty window. I checked my neck every 1/2 hour, fearing some vagrant would go for the jugular. I was approached by a homeboy who pledged that his 9to5 as the Vons lead bagger was not paying enough and he'll be in Vegas to Monday at the Best Western if I wanted to stop by for a drink. Yeaaaa....no. Flying is a hassle for me, I'm a spoiled airline brat and w/o my Daddy's benefits I'm useless. Unfortch, LAX to LAS is not a priority for Delta and therefore, no flight really fit my schedule. I took control of the stench with incense and stink eyed every single person boarding. my bag of nickels never leaving my side. (note: a bag of nickels will knock out a potential rapist, aggressive beggar, and terrorist, amongst other things)

Cut to Sunday, my return to the bus station for the ride back to LA, lets just say...there was an altercation of some sort and I am now banned from the Greyhound station as well. (Previously, I was banned from the Wynn for "alleged" buffet theft) The foghorn leghorn sheriff reminded me, without looking me in the eye, (a clear sign of "Jesus christ, I love/hate this fucking job so much but this is what I do and then I punch my wife later-itis" ) said "This is the wild west, and this is how it goes.." WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT STATEMENT IS THAT. If I go to customer service and walk away unhappy, in the real world in 2008, i can write a letter and get my money back. THERE i end up arguing with 4 to 5 ignorant ass people simultaneously. If there was an Olympic sport in verbal jousting I would have disappointed my country. I couldn't and would not compete with this ghettorazzi swarming around me as I dont know anything about living below the poverty line. They won, un-fair and un-square. Fine. The benefit is I dont work there, I dont HAVE to take Greyhound and ultimately I dont need to associate myself with that kind of drama anymore. Growing up I was pulled out of school every other friday to jaunt somewhere for a shopping trip in some major city around the US, taking the Greyhound was my way of relaxing instead of being on a plane. WRONG. Just file that under "dont do that shit ever again"

Meanwhile, there's so much NOT to tell we all know how Vegas is, its just pure fun. a lot of laughter, lots of dancing, pole swinging, wave pooling, party buckets, candy, room service, ogling, boob flashing, debauched recanting of hilariously vile tales.

we acted like fools, kids in a candy store. we rawked it, we got pissy, ate crap, worked on our collective alcoholism, spent $ we didn't have or need to, (i) gave the hand to bouncers, ghetto ass bus employees and sleep was scattered in there. each night the need for sleep became more dire, each night i grew crankier and crankier...nightly i reviewed the movie "very bad things" in my mind, OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

you know the deal, wyn doesn't skim on the lavish when she can swing it...suite was phat, dinner at Koi for the birthday boy and lap dances for EVERYONE! club, afterparty, booty bouncin' on stripper poles, poolside at various casinos, i made new best friends...no, not the strippers...

what does escape me about about Vegas now that I've been twice in a summer: how the hell did Tupac die on a fight night? I sneak a danish from the buffet, I'm banned from the Wynn - he gets in a riotously explosive brawl with several negroes and is shot on LV blvd and nobody saw a damn thing. that is rigoddamndiculous.

where is ja rule to make sense of all this?

previously on "wynter..."

as quiet as i tried to keep the past weekend - little things here and there popped up that destroyed my pursuit of a calm before the storm (Vegas).

going to vegas again...of course i had to. but this time its for james' bday and we're gonna have the best time i'm just sure of it. there's a crap load of folks attending, should be spectacular i expect nothing less...

hung out w/ schwartz and boy do i love her. she is seriously like my big sister. its so important to have good friends and i have a core group - but this girl gets me and understands my struggle. i support her at every turn cause she's my girl. this weekend was no exception-we spent sunday afternoon drinking and looking at the ocean and dancing to good music and meeting people.

friday night, i stayed in before being forced (or willing conjured) to head out and meet up with my friend jordan and his gf destiny. cute kids. his apartment is phat and he introduced me to my new favorite viral "unforgivable."

sat night, against my will i had a pre-dawn MLA. i know, i know...but listen i know the rules...the best part about the whole situation is when you know the score, nothing really changes. that is unless feelings get involved. but as i watched him walk away with the sun rising - what i knew for sure - he is NEVER going to be the father of my children, or put a ring on my finger. what he can do, and what he's proven in his skill- is that he can shift my focus...really well.

earmuffs.

rebound
n 1: a movement back from an impact [syn: {recoil}, {repercussion},
   {backlash}]
2: a reaction to a crisis or setback or frustration; "he is
still on the rebound from his wife's death"
3: the act of securing possession of the rebounding basketball
after a missed shot
v 1: spring back; spring away from an impact; "The rubber ball
  bounced"; "These particles do not resile but they unite
  after they collide" [syn: {bounce}, {resile}, {take a  hop}, {spring}, {bound}, {recoil}, {reverberate}, {ricochet}]
2: return to a former condition; "The jilted lover soon rallied
and found new friends"; "The stock market rallied" [syn: {rally}]

goddammit, im a grown woman and i do what i please when i please. thats evident.

astrobarry predicted i'd be introduced to a libra. who do i meet? a virgo-libra cusp. wowzers. the compatibility chart had some strong opinions about this. meet...well more like reacquaint myself with...more on that later...that's...something else.

1- ive been working out like a fiend for the last 2 months, even more the last 3 weeks and not missing a day in the gym in over 2.5 weeks, i feel great and i look great. i can now see how it will look with even more weight gone and that's awesome. his pillow talk on my level of sexiness were warranted and an incredible ego boost. natch.

2-its been 90 days since the breakup folks. think its safe to say i have really made the effort to move on in a proper way and i've mourned and cherished the end of that. i marinated on rebounding for 2 months of a respect for the situation...

3- this MLA is ridiculously hot. you could not kick him out of bed if you tried. seriously, tall w/ a body like a greek god and the most amazing hair. a full head of it even.

4- i had to cancel cinemax. it was destroying my faith in humanity. cause i'd fall asleep watching, oh i dont know, dances w/ wolves and wake up to some awful, foul, terrible shit involving 2-3 people and one awkwardly placed pair of legs. but something told me to cherish the last two nights i had skinemax and it came in handy- i need to publish a textbook, a how-to for the art of successfully handling an MLA in the new millennium. it would be called "he's just not that into you...if you act like you give a shit"

5- when you slim down, clothes fit perfectly. didn't really over think the outfit, a fresh blowout, tight jeans and translucent tight tee w/ neon pink bra, a pretty vaguely natural face plied w/ beer and conversation. yes a neon pink bra. inspired by carrie bradshaw by way of patricia field.

and finally...

6- this is what you are supposed to do, right? i dont know, im a beginner at breakup recovery!!
it was so very theatrical. right, that's how a director (he) and writer (i) would do things, in a very cinematic manner. there was a lot of chess in the beginning...some mind games, real historical discussion and a trading of facts, horror movie quizzing, the ever present question "why the hell do (i) have so many books?", getting to know you and then...always, the deus ex machina: the accidental ass swipe.

him: (as he's from what i can tell, smelling my hair as i grab a glass from high atop the cupboard) ooops...sorry bout that, my fault.
me: right. well, my ass is huge and my kitchen is small. bound to happen-right?

weirdo.

but i loved. it.

cause im fierce.

and its the SUMMER OF WYNTER.

but...here's where it gets sorta tricky...

i used to live above him.

and i wasn't a fan. so many restless nights i had from his loud ass.

so we bump into each other over a month ago. trade emails, not even phone numbers, nothing dangerous i was being nice. then i start getting these ultra-sultry emails. sometimes at 4 in the morning, sometimes at a normal hour, they went from hotsex to perfectly safe. i got confused that maybe it was ME who was being inappropriate. no he was inappropriate from start tho i thought he was joking, i never insinuated i wanted to go there. whatever. i was suspicious. but then he starts talking sugar, saying he has a crush on me, im pretty, i look good, this that and the other. goes on to say he didn't have a crush on me when i lived above him -- but he always thought i was "funny and interesting". always thought FL and I made a hot couple, was always curious about what one saw in the other and agreed w/ his roommate and aunt that i was the aggressor and he was the enabler. they had discussions about us? and he could hear everything we did. everything. oy.

we'd met up up once before, there was guacamole involved and some tequila but i dont really remember that night so well. partially because it was a blur. when we met up again, he reveals he didn't remember me being so hot or such a character. yea right. but then he kept the inquisition about fl, "he's such a nice guy" "i really like that guy..." "maybe you guys will work it out..." "seems like such a sweet guy"

in the end he spills "i just didn't understand what you two had.." ENOUGH ALREADY. why are you supposed to understand? i dont even understand. tunnelvision. no one was gonna clue you in, pal. you were NEVER on my radar.

you dont like the guy that much if you are trying to bang his ex. period. curious as a cat he was; about me, my life, my work, my attitude. intrigued that i would ever date and even go so far as to love (and i do, will always...) someone like FL. i poo-pooed talk of FL as much as i could as there is no need to go into details. thats weird. the funk of our relationship hanging over an otherwise silly night, no need. then the bombshell: he tells me that FL had led on that i was the nut in the relationship. if that doesn't put you on top of someone faster, finding out that your ex was hanging you out to dry. always tell the truth fella, cause the guy you are spilling to may be spilling it somewhere else later...maybe even into her.

q: do you worry FL will read this?
a: yes and no. yes, because im afraid of what he might think....no, because i can't really think about what he thinks anymore. his opinion of my life is no longer my business.

i sound feisty, but i had the best time. did i have reservations about hanging out w/ the neighbor to begin with. no. see above, i do what i want when i want. it always happens to me, first look at a guy whom i have peripheral exposure to and i could not be bothered a minute more, upon closer inspection however then i can kind of see what the big deal is. i forgot how to be boy crazy which is a good thing but now im just pensive and suspicious. remaining forever sexy while doing so.

so there it is. strong black independent woman. he's a by product of this self-love and what a nice piece of by product he is...on sex and the city, they always rebound on w/ someone completely opposite to what you were in love with. in this case, i hooked up w/ an incredibly funny and sarcastic jock who hates computers.

life is sooooooooo weird.

"better bring a parka...

...cause wynter's coming" - smrtmnky


emergence, reinvention, closure.

this is the final stage of a breakup and it appears that i am all up in that.

this blog really helps me just get it all out in the open. i dont really totally care about being discreet, as long as i dont write about my work or something slanderous, i think i can be open about what im dealing with here. im being honest.

and honestly, ive been smart and strategic about every aspect of this breakdown/breakthrough. i've been thoughtful, emotional when necessary, having fun and feeling free. unburdened, unbridled, less inhibited. i feel like summer started april 1. i can't believe its july 1. i have accepted and moved on. for every girl/guy friend who told me i needed to move on, i kept saying that i was close, and i wasn't lying.

i know myself, when im through, im tha-rough. i weigh pros, cons and the outcome of not carefully planning my actions. the older i get, the less i want to be embarrassed. i think my strategy of patience and vigil has worked out quite well.

the way i feel today, compared to 90 days ago is remarkable. i feel stronger, more resilient and prepared to handle what life hands me.

i have not had great days everyday, some days i feel downright crappy, i just came out of a 2 week blah fest...but we're moving into the next stage of my reinvention.

what happens next? can't tell you...but the plan is working flawlessly.