get paid to blog

oh ok.

why not?

this was my fourth attempt at a blog. the first one earned me considerable recognition and the ones in between didn't really count and this one was because i wanted to talk about my relationship and the breakup. that almost feels a million years ago. just like thinking about the night we met feels like a kazillion years ago.

so here i am now taking on all sorts of new responsibilities job and life and otherwise. which means my life is about to totally effing change. and you want to see a girl who is about to take the world and this industry by storm? you're reading about her right now.

so now im getting some freelance work because of the blog and my work IRL, its a pretty big deal and its basically going to get open up a world i've tried to get into for a while.

the real honest true life of a writer. everything that comes with it. the passion, the hope, the wracking of the brain for ideas, the visions and notetaking, the preparation the focus and sleepless nights. the research, the parties, the swag, the trips to dig up sources and clues and ideas...all of it. bring it. BRING. IT.

cause if you haven 't heard, i have had a pretty interesting and challenged life. it wasn't be my parents sucked, or we had no money, or i lived in a bad neighborhood (none of those...) its because since the day i was born - my brain wanted to be 30 while my body and experience were lacking in support of that notion. im ready to be 29, i'm ready to be 30.

i'm also ready to be a mom and a wife and blah blah blah but FIRST i'm ready to proliferate my conciousness which is just plain maverick.


Noun
1.
maverick - someone who exhibits great independence in thought and action
rebel
recusant, nonconformist - someone who refuses to conform to established standards of conduct


yea that pretty much explains my purpose here. i want to bring it back to reality. i was a recessionista before CNN tried to coin the term, i was on Amy Winehouse's beehive and turquoise bra strap before she screamed BLAAAAAAKE for the first time, i was blogging in 2001 and got DOOCED for it before she coined DOOCE.

original gangster.


more to come....

a: that.

q: what don't Homey play?

short and sweet.

i've been trying to start a business, and it was going really well until i started to think that i couldn't trust the person in which i was starting it with. i heard whispers, but ignored them because i thought people were being mean spirited. then things just started tumbling out that made me realize this girl is nuttier than a fruit cake sale on cell block A.

so i've ended my relationship with this person - cut and dry. it was difficult for me to get to this point - but i think about how i want my life to go and whom i wanted to be associated with. i want to be percieved as a creative person who may not have a business degree but i have a nose for it. and when i smell a rat, you get out of there by any means necessary like Malcolm.

i had to. and i dont like severing relationships. i also dont like to hear that my business partner is a scheming manipulative social climber. i dont want to live in an episode of Gossip Girl.

i dont like this girl - what i knew of her I did like, but there was too much noise and not enough defense from her end. i dont want the association with her. she is toxic and dangerous. i had to LEARN this slowly and even when i tried to approach it from a professional and mild stance, she jumped bad and put her thug on display.

the moral is, do not start or plan a business with someone you know very little about, or talks a good game. also, if they've had 5 jobs in one year...that deserves mad SIDE-EYE, son.
i want to use my mind and connections to move forward and my goal is to bring my friends with me. except this broad.

i've made my way out of this w/ minimal loss and incredible gain. i've lowered the toxic douchebag levels in my environment...and that's a good thing.

boot camp

in trying to teach myself discipline - i've had to completely strip down every excuse I make and get to the heart of what's right and how i can best achieve my goals.

first off...1 - accept reality:

once you accept the reality of situation, whatever they are, your salary, a breakup, your living arrangements, then you can decide from there what can stay the way it is, or what can be changed. i love my apartment, but i think i may have too much crap. my beef is that i like to keep things, the reality is that my love for products, early millennial fashion and books are starting to over take my life. so i'm purging tons of shit this weekend. im just doing it. there can be no excuse, EVERYTHING MUST GO. i also cut out all the premium channels on my directv bill. no hbo, showtime, cinemax or starz. am i anxious about it? why yes, does that extra 40 a month hurt my wallet, hells yes. i dont think i'll feel the pain that much, i cannot watch "back to the future" for the 400th time.

next...2- if it bothers you, change it:

its pretty much a known fact to my friends that i have issues with my weight. growing up i was not pudgy, i was athletic and svelte. but i've been working out, but i've also been drinking alot and partying way too much. so i recently committed myself to going to the gym RIGHT AFTER WORK. i've committed to the supplements, my meds and drinking water and i have to say, a big bowl of fiber every morning is amazing for the gut. working out and watching your body change is rewarding, im ecstatic that i'll be in my silver dress by august. just in time for vegas, the redux. its up to me if i want to turn 29 next year in potentially the same state, i can't deal with that, i can't deal with the current state which is why im either at gold's first thing in the am, right after work or if that doesn't happen which it should, then im there at night. i can foresee the road if i dont do something about my body and how i feel about it. i dont LOVE it. i dont cradle it, i take care of it on the outside, pristinely---but the inside needs a bit of work. i can see that i will be miserable and tortured if i dont deal with the reality of it. this weight is not even about me, its about my insecurity, survival and trauma.
i carry it around like old luggage that needs to be tossed (see #1) i will still be voluptuous and sexy 30 pounds less. not a big deal, i will never be bone-thin like i was growing up, i will however beat jessica biel at her own game cause she has the body i had when i was 16.
she rebuilt her body to look like that, so can i. discipline.


last, 3 - what is most important?
right now? me and my happiness. and how will i make myself happy. this summer i've had plenty of happiness in my life that made me feel great. traveling even to a few local places and Vegas, hanging out with friends from NY, Norcal and here...going to parties, strengthening my ties with my best friends, meeting new people, the support I've had throughout this whole thing is the best. the best part about the support is people go out of their way to tell me what good about me just being me. how important it is to have perspective and they dont trash talk the ex. And not because they are trying to be PC, because the reality (#1) is that he's not in my life. whether its for now or forever, he aint here. im not glad, relieved or bitter. it is what it is. who's happiness is more important? mine. he gave up considering my feelings a very long time ago...so now im going to focus on my needs no matter what anyone says wants or desires. if its positive then its what i need. he's not the makeup of my life. being a couple was fun, being a couple of angry people was not. i think i have what it takes to become someone's wife and mother of their children someday. no woman is born that way and i have a lot more to learn about men. so i need to start being a lady who lives with a goal toward that mindset. i have my eye on the prize of being a self-made career woman and business and that is definitely apart of my present and future - but making a baby, 3 or 4 maybe? getting married - or not even, just having a partner who's committed to not only DEALING with my shit, but helping me get through it is what i'd like in my life. (and vice versa. i wont be selfish forever.)

i will no longer deal with toy soldiers - don't join the army unless you want to be the army.

(look, i dont soothe everyone's palate. there is a lot about MYSELF i dont like, but i know my heart, others do too, i care about people, i care about my life and this journey, and i want to be a good person and leave a legacy that will effort change. somehow. sasa helps me see why i have strength, because i'm here, still fighting. she and i both come from somewhat difficult and bi-polar childhoods. while we were happy and blessed to everyone on the outside, on the inside we were charged w/ so much responsibility, emotionally and intellectually by our parents that we often fought with who we were as growing kids. i love my parents so much, they know that. i forgive them their faults and missteps

for AD.

friend,

this shit sucks. and screw the god damned mini-feed.

its unfair.

its heartbreaking.

for me, there are days when im ELATED and don't even remember his face.

then there are days when its all i see; in others, in the design of my apartment, the dent he created on my car, the shirt he left in my drawer.

when i goto tell a funny story and he was involved in the best part.

sometimes i hear him say my name in my sleep. sometimes i dream that he's pushing me away saying, " just leave me be, please." how do you argue with the subconscious?

when im really sad i recite every mean thing he ever said and did, and that helps me bound out of bed...

then i remember all the things he'd said i'd never heard before and how it was the way i learned about love.

other days i just pretend he was somebody i knew that i don't really know anymore.

i think that when you try to push something out of your mind, it never goes away.

at some point it rears its ugly head and then its all you can think about until something drags it away back into the the recesses of your mind, its not that im in denial of my breakup, i just think that while necessary, its similar to taxes, parking tickets, rent. you dont want to deal with it but you have to.

sometimes i wonder if we can ever be friends. but then i wonder how he could ever look at me and not want to touch me.

other times i want to have the memory of him erased, i've done enough research to know that thats impossible.

it gets easier as some point. i guess. or so ive been told.

take as long as you need, i am.

until then, you have friend, family and loved ones and of course im always there if you need.

all that said...

THE SUMMER OF WYNTER STILL PREVAILS!

keep ya head up...

xoxox

top 8 favorite jay-z lyrics

take away the image, the clothes, the rides, the wifey and you have who i consider my favorite rapper, jay-z. i grew up listening to jigga and to watch his trajectory into mainstream, is both exciting and bittersweet. he was hard scrabble, product of marcy projects, rapping about stealing your bitch, slanging cocaine and heroin, dodging bullets. i didn't identify but he walked me through the "story" as if i were right there with him. i idolize him because he has the spirit of a survivor and a warrior.

He's the inspiration poster of music for me. he calls people on their shit all the time and is unapologetic...whereas his ego is grand, if not more grandiose than say Kanye or even Diddy - its his style, his lyricism and reserved nature that makes me hang on his every word and repeat it often. Oh and the beats and bass.

1.
"we dont believe you...you need more people"
-Takeover

2.
Try and lie on Hov' cause I ride on the road, in what, most would describe as a Rolls
NO, that's that Continental T, The only car that fit intercontinental me, not guilty -
- Guilty Until Proven Innocent

3.
Rich niggas, black bar-mitzvahs, Mazel Tov its a celebration bitches,
L'Chayim I wish for you a hundred years of success but it's my time
Cheers, toast to crime number one d-boy damn he could rhyme...
- Roc Boys

4.
I got this African chick with Eddie Murphy on her skull
She like, "Jigga Man, why you treat me like animal?"
I'm like excuse me Ms. Fufu, but when I met your ass
you was dead broke and naked, and now you want half....
-Girls, Girls, Girls

5.
I'm ten years removed, still the vibe is in my veins
I got a hustler spirit, nigga period
Check out my hat yo, peep the way I wear it
Check out my swag' yo, I walk like a ballplayer
No matter where you go, you are what you are player
And you can try to change but that's just the top layer
Man, you was who you was 'fore you got here
Only God can judge me, so I'm gone, either love me, or leave me alone
-Public Service Announcement

6.
I don't think it's meant to be, be
But she loves her work more than she does me
And honestly, at twenty-three, I would probably love my work more than I did she
So we, ain't we, It's me, and her
'Cause what she prefers over me, is work
And that's, where we, differ, So I have to give her
Free, time, even if it hurts, So breathe, mami, it's deserved
You've been put on this earth to be, All you can be, like the reserves
And me? My timing in this army, it's served, So I have to allow she, her, time to serve
The time's now for her, The time she'll mature
And maybe we, can be, we, again like we were
Finally, my time's too short to share, And to ask her now, it ain't fair
So yeah, she lost one
-Lost Ones

7
Hov' did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that - Izzo

8.
I never asked for nothin' I don't demand of myself / Honesty, loyalty, friends and then wealth / Death before dishonor and I tell you what else / I tighten my belt 'fore I beg for help / Foolish pride is what held me together through the years / I wasn't felt which is why I ain't never played myself / I just play the hand I'm dealt, I can't say I've never knelt / Before God and asked for better cards at times to no avail / But I never sat back feelin sorry for myself / If you don't give me heaven I'll raise hell ('Til it's heaven)
-Justify My Thug

exit strategy

oh please, there's always a contest with an ex-, its called "who'll die miserable".."
- samantha, sex and the city, "easy come, easy go"

saw the movie. of course i did, you crazy? like i could miss it for the world. i brought sas and jenn with me to watch. we had italian food and wine, me saddled w/ food poisoning from a beverly hills cafe i had to drink seltzer and nurse my colon. so upset!

then we get to the theaters and its filled to the brim w/ queens and chatty kathy's. meh. only seats avail were in front. oh man, my neck, my back, my stomach. this isn't starting well...
movie begins and im SOOO excited. they're back-- mah girls. so big, so vibrant so MAYJAH.
i love this show, i love this movie more...that is..until...jennifer hudson.

people say i look like her. a lot of people. i dont really think so, but at least she's an oscar winner. girl can SANG but i am cuter and well proportioned.

oh, no, wait...her storyline? "she's from St. Louis." That's fine. Millions are..."and a web designer moving to the big city for work and for love" why did she leave STL? "Because her boyfriend told her she wasn't the one" And God said "HA". I'd been waiting for this movie, for nearly a year and on the two month anniversary of his abandonment, they drop a plotline in as if it were talking to me and me only. i let out an AUDIBLE sigh during this revelation which drew a few snickers. if they only knew why I was a sighing. why i was suddenly losing interest in this movie, looking at my watch - thinking about how i had a whole other hour to deal.

you didn't miss the joke - my ex is a web designer from St. Louis. meh. think what you want, i was upset. and guess what, i have been doing GREAT until that and then enter the waterworks. the movie itself was fab, a solid B-. things i would have added, i wont spoil here, but otherwise, the experience was ruined by irony and my uppity colon.

with that, i've given up smoking. the girls said i needneedNEED to start formally disassembling my feelings for him. i cannot do that at a drop of a hat, so ive started letting go of habits that have built up over time. more drinking, more smoking...

so i will go 4 days in between booze
and distance myself at least a month without cigs.

that's the only exit strategy i can think of at the moment.

love affair with "sex"

i am one of those people who needs to wait for the alpha version of things. i do not believe in trying things out in beta. that was the QA department is for. i didn't start watching Sex and the City until season 2. i remember it being SHOVED down our collective throats. newsweek, time, today show, EW, People, this is pre-internet folks...back when people handled paper and READ things in black and white with 256 colors. i became obsessed, 18 years old and so unlucky in everything at the time, i lived vicariously through them and wanted so badly to lead their lives, with those friends. who knew that 10 years later, i'm pretty much right there. (minus the $, but Carrie was a broke ass early on too) i've got a miranda, a samantha and a charlotte in my fold, in multiples even.

i got mono in 1998 - essentially a year long bout of i dont know what, the worst gap year any child could have. i spent days at a time in bed, reading books, eschewing television (shocker) and essentially limiting my activity to walking to the bathroom, to the car, to McDonalds and back. my action with men was limited, hadn't even been with a handful but i hated rejection, felt fat, unattractive and the biggest L7 on record. before you cough and assume that SATC saved me from the reject pile - it didn't, but it gently nudged me toward my own emotional and sexual revolution which in turn assisted in the development of my early adulthood.

i immediately deemed myself a carrie/miranda as I was optimistic about love but like Miranda, every time a man makes a move or opens his mouth he's talking sugar. Sweet, tasty, addictive - bad for you. but the CB optimism lets me fall for the good the bad and the ugly with careless abandon.

so...in honor of my favorite show on earth, the only one i still watch on repeats even though I own every season, the only show for which I've bought all the fan and table books, the only show that I have a board game for - the only show I am ok with having a movie version -here are things I've learned from SATC:

• look your best always, because of Carrie's unfortunate situation where she ended up on the cover of New York looking beat to shit, always stay prepared. you are your brand.
• a mr. big is great from time to time, but when you've got an Aidan, don't make him a Big. And if you do (like I did) expect him to bypass Big in arrogance and become a Berger. meh.
• studio apartments are cute! i wouldn't store sweaters in my stove but I put DVDs and Books in my kitchen cabinets. your home is you - decorate accordingly.
• when you move in or let a man move in with you...get a big enough apartment to fit your collective shit and dont have white furniture, in case you decide to pour coffee on him when he embarrassingly casts you out of a family outing. coffee grounds are hard to get out and take repeat washings.
• dont approach the ex-wife who is only the ex cause you were shtupping her man. even if you look hot shuttling down Lex in a newsprint mini dress.
• date your city. get to know it, find the nooks you like and cuddle there. don't begrudge its annoying tendencies, try to endear yourself to its idiosyncrasies - once you love your city, it'll love you back.
• love your friends, in good and in bad. be willing to tell them the truth, whole and nothing but and expect to hear it back. support them in their wins and losses, never judge or cause undue pressure.
• when you FALL down, flat on your face, even dressed to the nines with H. Klum about to trample you with her big German feet and former Mayor Koch following suit, get your ass RIGHT BACK UP, flash a smile and sashay up and down and off that runway.
• its ok to be obsessed with stuff - im obsessed with books, carrie is with shoes - if it makes you happy, can't be that bad...

i could go on.

most of SATC didn't sink in until my relationship started getting funky and finally ending. it makes alot of sense now and having this movie come out as i enter this next phase of life not only as a single grown ass woman but as a woman who has loved and lost love and now embarking on a more mature, successful and adventurous life filled with risk, tempation and challenges - i'm finding comfort in knowing ten years later, you can count on them to bring the LOLs and tears.

welcome back ladies.

so poof, vamoose sonafabitch.

i was laying on schwartz's grass in her awesome backyard.

too many vodka's had set in w/ the balmy sun and i was totally in my head about everything.
thinking of my life so far, what i want, how to move forward, how to get past loss, how i feel about my rebirth, my social life and how does one manage it while not ruining their face (vanity) and my palms started sweating, heart palpitating. here comes schwartz with a mini ipod beatbox. "wanna hear some music, dude?" she throws on some tunes and the first song to come up is the 311 song, "all mixed up". reminds me of being 15 when i first heard this song on live 105 and being all mixed up was becoming something of a fashion for me.

literally, sitting on the grass, watching the fauxphew drive his fake lawn mower around the yard, it occurred to me the lyrics of the song...

You've got to trust your instinct, and let go of regret. You've got to bet on yourself now star 'Cause that's your best bet

So that's what I'm gonna do...

The simplicity of watching this kid, laying on the grass in a quiet neighborhood at my best friend's house, career is going great, things are shaping up nice, I lost 10 lbs. and this kid, just born not even 2 years ago - he got the biggest kick out of playing with that faux-mower while it would have held my attention for 2 seconds before I was looking for my cocktail.

these are simple pleasures, small stuff...life is great again.

So I'm trusting my instinct, letting go of regret and betting on myself.

allow me to welcome you to the
Summer of Wynter,

ive probably seen "knocked up" 43 times.

it doesn't get old.

and even though i've never been pregnant, or had babydaddy drama, i still understand the idea of getting in a relationship with someone who is your exact opposite and developing a love for that person--even though they act like a total fucking idiot.

it occurred to me as i was driving home that this shit is hard. this "living" shit. no one falls in love to imagine their break up and possible ensuing divorce proceedings. its cliche for me to say, if i knew breaking up would be this hard, i would have never fell in love.

i think that every other day.

then i thought about writing about it here, because most people cower behind the mask of a happy fancy free single life. everything is bubbly and driving w/ the top down to gwen stefani and dancing, drinking and makeovers. yea i'm doing all that. but still.

AND how crazy is it now that babies and marriage are in vogue? all these pretty pregnant celebrities just getting knocked up and then have elaborate yet hushed nuptials behind opulent manses. SO. ANNOYING. its a fashion, just like stirrups and slap bracelets it will go away and then rear its head later on in the 20-teens. it wasn't "fashionable" EVEN 2 years ago for some of these assholes to be a parent. which means in 2 years i could be all eff it and become a career super bitch devoid of carnal instinct.

whatever, that's a basic instinct for me. as important as sight.

so now i'm obsessed with getting married and starting a family. to the point that i am starting to think of out clauses in the event this doesn't happen; freezing eggs, adoption, one night stand with someone incredibly smart and hot.

who am i kidding, i will get married, i will have kids. i am thinking too far ahead because basically if i had a baby right now, i'd be so screwed.

i am not a coward when it comes to falling in love, i will do it again.

gossip girl (in my bed)

we were just laughing hysterically
and i'm loving my unprocessed hair for summer.

gossip girl - look i'm obsessed all of the sudden. with the resurgence of all this crap that is being remade when it was original only 15 years ago...i'm impressed with this show that no one is watching. because it goes to that place i wish 90210 and swan's crossing and fifteen would go but didn't. sex, drugs, spending daddy's money...loves it.

since i've become single again, i've been ultra busy and kept in good company. there's not one day that doesn't go by that i dont have a phone call, BBM, text or email that i need to return or answer. its expensive my lifestyle, but the 401K retrieval is going to assist in this. i've been focusing on being positive and i got a great reading at our event yesterday by the numerologist. who basically said i was like this golden child on this planet. i was born to take over something and do really well and money is going to be piled up in a spare room like that scene in "Blow". She said my spirituality is an issue for me that I fight. Its been that way since birth, I'm not a church person. But she said not to worry, I'm spiritual and I will find a place to express that later in life after I've conquered this first part, becoming self realized.

i'm out every night, so much that i have a clean apartment save for the Kilimanjaro sized pile of laundry that needs to be folded. im not lonely, i don't feel alone - i feel overwhelmed by the love and support and that makes me sort of shy.

hung out with jennifer tonight at the grove. we did the usual - our lives over dinner and drinks. she is the best, love her to pieces. i talked to her about the strange email that i was inadvertantly (or at least i want to think) cc'd on. goddamn the cc.

she is a voice of reason i can agree with and since she knew FL and had an affection for him as she lost a parent at a young age too, and felt rage like FL did and does she had plenty to say. she was surprised when i said that it was the death knell in my sympathy for him. the email content is separate issue it was the manner in which it sent (drunkenly), and in comparison to the email sent TO him by my partner in mehab, maryanne, it was ridic and just so very predictable and disappointing.

i know what to do next time (im in love) and unfortunately it means being a little less carrie/samantha and alot more charlotte/miranda. less available, less willing to be a push over and quick to forget. i identified something too, that we had to get drunk in order to relate and then we'd end up fighting. what kind of shit is that?

i gotta put my foot down and not put up with shit because my belief in LOVE is just that - a belief that for better or worse you must love someone in spite of their faults and they will love you back. plus, my all or nothing approach to matters of the heart is not a bad thing. i loved him more than i've ever loved anyone (Besides family) in my whole life. he just did it for me, all the way. and the things that bothered me most, his issues with his family (whom i felt were intrusive and judgy) and protecting me were things i constantly tried to work with him on, gave him space with and often felt were my issues.

nope, that email just proved that his issues are entirely unique to one person: him. plus again, i was embarrassed in front of someone who didn't need to know that side of him. thankfully she is a pro and its no sweat off her nose, but the moment i saw the email - like i said a few posts ago, i was horrified and sick to my stomach. then within a few days, relief. its not me - its him. i dont know where his head's at, but i know where mine is.

when we met i was in this place - freedom. freedom from feeling like i am not good enough, pretty enough or happy enough. not that he was abusive in that sense, he was very complimentary of me. but when you are in a relationship that's entirely too dependent you just start feeling like you HAVE to say those things to that person or you know what happens when its not said. as a matter of fact, i felt THAT way with the person i was casually see when i met him.

as much as i could have a comment or a great email to write in response to that fuckery i dont really have a comment. my response is simply in my being quiet. there is nothing to say, i am ME, happiness is not sunshining out of my ass, but i can think clearly about who I am. and lets just say, i wont be emailing him drunk one night reducing our relationship to a terribly tasteless joke, to a person i've never met. now its clear why my friends are telling me i seem really happy and back to my old self. im not my old self, i'm just me free of drama.

there is fun drama, like oh i got another ticket or oh there's a lizard in my bedroom WAAHH and then theres stay up till 4 in the morning and my tears are flowing and i'm tryna make it right drama. lately, if i'm up till 4am its because i'm having the time of my life.

meh.

jenn and i were pretty good about dinner, though i had 2 bellinis. she makes me laugh so hard. and we talked about sunday box office which is my favorite topic of discussion. plus she also talked about dr. retardo her ex who is on a very popular, critically lauded, ratings challenged sitcom. that's his MO. he's gross and i've met him at chateau once or twice. not a looker, but that's not her fault. she talked of how she avoided gossip blogs because of his growing popularity due to a movie he was in that sort of performed below expectations. natch. sounds like their relationship.

tom cruise died!

My beta fish I bought last year passed away sometime between yesterday and today. All I know is that I went to say good morning to him and he was face up, tail down stone cold dead.

meanwhile the other beta i inherited from a neighbor, Golum (FL named him) is floating around like tony soprano happy his arch nemesis is outro. for good.

i cried for about 4 minutes. i really loved tom cruise, i said good morning to him everyday and talked to him and he let me pet him. meanwhile that other little bastard makes no contact, hides in his weeds and i only see his ugly face when he needs to be fed. I may rename him Beowulf.

RIP Tom Cruise.

Its not lost on me that I bought you at a time that I felt an immense sense of loss, last summer and now you are up in the heavens wishing me well as I enter this new stage of life, full on independence and adulthoo.d you are swimming happily in a place where overheating wont kill a fish. I'm sorry I left the blinds open, forgive me.

rogan at target

i had the pleasure of being invited to the rogan @ target event last night held at barney's in beverly hills. it was my favorite kind of event, booze and shopping.

i was there representing the 'zine, but i was more or less there to not think about how much people cross boundaries. i found out my boss wrote FL. i dont know why my boss is all up in my business! what possessed him to have the gumption to do that -- it made me bawl at my desk questioning whether to take my tear soaked face to the event. is nothing sacred? even the tattered dress that is my former relationship? apparently not in LA. obvi....the worst part is later that night i was cc'd on an unusual email from him to my partner. then i woke up this morning w/ a stomachache and dry mouth from anxiety- the fact that I had not felt like this in almost 2 months is telling...

RE: last night, ive found i have the most courage and conviction when i am angered and im possessed to make change (and i've had a lil' of the ol' bubbly) so i went to the event armed w/ some cash and a plan: to talk about mehab. i ran into gabby union and sanaa lathan and they remembered me from my wma days toiling under his darkness

(sidebar: still haven't decided whom i would want to play his darkness in my movie...

either



OR


)


anyway...i talked up the site...told them how the plan is for it to be like oprah.com but lighter, funnier, smarter and younger. that's the hook. it will have the functionality to do everything that site does but on a smaller more focused scale. it will celebrate beauty in all shapes and forms and champion women who are kicking ass. it will be a digi-ass kicking for women who are just not living their best life and they need to know - THIS IS IT. there is no see you next time when it comes to living. so lets just live.

sanaa and gabby were DOWN. that was music to my ears. they were SO down in fact they gave me their emails and told me to just say the word and its on. see. this is how it should be done. be passionate, talk about your projects, be sincere. i knew to whom i was bantering with, these women are my idols - i ADORE them and have done so for nearly 10 years. i let them know, you are out there representing black women and i ADMIRE you for that day in, day out. they were funny and commented about my desire for a weave, "girl just get one...get on with it" how im desperately trying to flee the gutters of hollywood and build something i can be proud of. they admitted how they are trying to hold the black community together even as they try to focus on their careers. sanaa admitted she was doing the new earth on oprah.com but then i told her "what if there was a new earth that spoke to women who were going to school, high or college and then trying to navigate transitioning from their 20's to 30's?" her eyes widened. she loved it. that made me feel amazing. i wake up everyday knowing im closer to the apex of success when i talk about it to people and how i feel like THIS is the thing i need to be doing. i'm being driven to do it. they informed me that i need to make a conscious effort to continue to move forward w/ my life and told me "girl, don't worry - you will be ok - you're beautiful, get out of this phase which wont last much longer and then proceed to just work it." we exchanged emails, they introduced me to others and talked up mehab on MY behalf.

seriously.

mena suvari, kidada jones, all were totally fascinated and excited to hear about my pet project that im turning into an empire. ran into SO many people as per usual, the DJ was great and i barely had any appetizers i was so wound up from excitement. oh and the clothes. WELL of course the clothes were fab.

rogan's

his line is clean and funky but these were basics. i grabbed up 4 shirts that totally screamed Weird Science 1985. the 80's are back...sigh...AGAIN. but its like more late 85-87. a good fashion period for me. oh and he said "i love what you are doing, we'll be in touch..." and handed me his card. so there you go. SUCCESS.

this is good.

Trust is a drunk driver's highway, darling. TAKE THE BUS.

being a bitter betty is not a good look and it certainly makes my makeup run on occasion.

officially not bitter.

SHIA LEBOUF BACK SHOT

le sigh....

Thanks to everyone for reminding me how my taste in men makes it a total buyer's market. That doesn't really do anything for my sensitivities right now but its nice to know that there is a supply that can meet my demands.

Too soon.

Meanwhile how much am I loving Madge's new album. A whole lot.

iron man

going to see it tonight. tried to go last night 2 times and get to arclight and its all sold out. hilarious. we trudged back to my car to attempt to go to citywalk (which i didn't REALLY want to do) and i kept passing this amazing black Infiniti, then I turned to james and said "wait, is this the same floor" and he replies with his signature laugh and "you don't tell anyone and i won't either...promise?"so this is obvi after a huge 420 sesh back at my place. we drove around the 5th floor parking 6 times. SIX TIMES.

well...i wont tell anyone else.

being each other's wingman is a gift and a curse. who better than to hang out with when you desire male companionship, its just easy - boys don't have as many hangups as women. and the girls that i'm friends with who have no hangups are busy being married, divorced, mother's, careers. i'm little miss newly single (must get a shirt for that) and really single like a rebirth of sorts and its seems difficult for me to just be a girl out flirting trying to catch bait. i can't do that. im dating myself. would i date me? not right now. in a few months i would, and i would feel lucky. ive learned so much about myself in the last 3 weeks. about what i'm capable of given my passion. of how i can effort change and decide whom i keep company with. i've done like a company re-org now that the co-ceo has bailed on the partnership. when you trim the fat, we're smarter, better, faster, stronger. plus having a boy that is your friend who knows you intimately but no longer is in my opinion the new black. you aren't concerned about feeling awkward with them cause how much more awkward can it get, you've seen the other's O face - so what's so hard about just bitching to each other and going out to parties?? nothing. its so easy. i think we're just glad we aren't breaking up with each other, cause we dont have to.

the curse is, i dont know how to not be awkward when he's picking up chicks, and NOT in that way where i'm jealous, just how do i navigate out of that situation cause its awkward. i'm not actively seeking sue right now - i'm taking it day by day and getting to REALLY know myself. i have no time for getting down w/ anyone. plus i have a plan...a big plan. THE plan of all plans. so i just walk away and go smoke a cigarette and hope i run into someone i know. which happens alot. being single is strange. im like craning my neck looking at boys, i caught myself being stalkerish with a BUS DRIVER in westchester yesterday as i drove schwartz's lexus back to her apartment. but im just looking. i can't open my mouth and do anything but talk about how mature i feel. how much i enjoy partying. how i wish i could negotiate partying w/going to the gym.

so many parties.


i luv luxe vehicles like schwartz'- nice smooth ride, of course i blew up the speakers she is happy about the mix i left for her "pyr8 bootie mixx 2008" and hanging w/ jack, that kid is golden.

the kid looks like my ex. its not his issue. so its not easy when i look at him, those big ol' green eyes trying to pierce my soul. he's so good at that. i like making faces at him and talking to him like he is an adult. babies are freakish, this baby belongs to one of my best friends, i can't believe she gave birth. i can't believe she lost all her baby weight. i can't believe i actually love her new man. schwartz and i will take a nerd over a stud any day. if god provides both which is a coup, we'll accept those too.

andy dugan called me a bad ass today. which i totally agree with. and to you my friend.

im twittering.

i slept like a baby last night. i think turning off the TV has something to do w/ it and i had a dream about my grandmother. she told me that she was very proud of me and this is key because every time she's stopped by my astral plane, she's been pissed. so it was incredibly gratifying to have her tell me she is very proud of me. i needed to feel that energy. i needed to connect to my ancestors.

i can already tell this week is gonna be just hectic. lunches, mother's day in san fran, events. ugh. i want to be on vacation. from reality.

the date is set however for vacation: august 29 - sept 6

i am heading out of the country.

i think i'm going to go to paris because my mom said it will make me cry and then to yucatan so i can swim.

aniston is my motivation. with biel's ass of course and beyonce's waist. thank you.

urge to purge

thursday night went to coco deville. new club not yet open next to STK on lacienega. met up with alison melnick and mary anne and had a few too many drinks and cigarettes. sat with laura prepon and her friends discussing being single. then i told them what just went down w/ my breakup . collective OH MY GOD's how can he do that to you?

ok, he didn't DO anything to me per se...he did what he wanted and it in turn affected me. deeply. and there is nothing i can do about it. throwing up my hands and wishing him well is about all i can stand for now. who the hell knows what FL is doing about his feelings, urges. i know that missing him is a lump in my throat. its like a sore throat which is something ive been actually nursing for what seems like almost 3 weeks. the smoking has got to come to an end.

i haven't hooked up, done the deed, gotten busy in a while and im not terribly crushed over it. i dont foresee this being an event very soon and im quite convinced that even if i do meet someone, it will be many dates before i let him hit it. i mean yikes, the thought is too fucking scary but i need to find a way to channel that sexual energy out. and working out doesn't count cause it makes you want it more. so its about GOD. turn to god. if my hands get too idle, i'm gonna freak out.

went to cara and mario's engagement party. im really happy for them. i think they make the cutest couple and they're funny and smart and engaging. cara said she read the blog and i felt really honored because i dont know who reads this and i just write it. just for therapy. to get stuff out of my brain. we made tons of cocktails and played guitar hero (see a theme) i love guitar hero by the way and i kicked ass on it last night. its rare but i did quite well. i made them a CD of mashups, you know to commemorate their merge. i'm SO clever.

the idea came to me after i found a mashup of maneater and easy lover. genius.

i didn't get a chance to clean my apartment which annoys me. i have shit everywhere unclean clothes, TOO many books, shoes most of which i dont know which fit or not. i need a day to myself besides the weekend.

"as soon as the world comes to its senses i'm going to travel"
- matt damon's deaf girlfriend in "the good shepherd."


more on this later, this is something i plan to do and i had a epiphany today that i'm just going to fucking do it already.

you should hate me now fun fact: my dad's retirement benefits from delta include free plane tickets for the rest of his life and that includes myself, my sister and mom. so buying tickets to go somewhere is not the problem.

therapeutic jeans

believe it or not, even thought most of what i write here is drivel. its been very therapeutic for me. 22 Days since FL left. In those 22 days I've become a wee bit ornery, anxious and obsessive but in the right way. preventing a breakdown is about all i can do right now and i think im doing just fine. low-profile while focusing on work and me-self. i'm still funny, engaging and overall content, but i'm not happy about stuff when it comes to him and while i can look at the pix i left up of us just for the sake that i dont want to bury the boy, i can't help but get a little pissed off at him.

after a glorious nap, i went to the gym last night at 930 and think this is something i could get used to pending i dont have another engagement.

its not a secret that when i get depressed, i pig out. i let myself pig out a little after he left but got serious around the 11th of this month. already i notice a difference.

this makes me love my body and i can't even believe i am writing that. i love how it contours and my hips are very sexual and womanly. another 3 inches off of them and they are perfect. i love my legs, how they are long and when they get toned it looks like a loose bow. i like my shoulders how they become defined and broad and strong. my waist nips in slowly but sure and gets very tiny, i can wear a six waist now. scared that i go down anymore my waist will be really tiny. that look sort of scares me. i do hate the stares and looks when my body gets in shape. its the way my gf jenn described seeing jessica biel walking her dog in brentwood "her ass is like its own universe" that's hot to me, not for her. I love it! i want that back back

more good news...i fucking love my house of dereon jeans that i got from ross. i wish i could find them again, i want 2 more pairs. they fit my body perfectly.

tonight, going to the kanye west after party, can't make the show at the nokia theatre. BUMMED about the show, STOKED about the party. its back at goa. i said i'd never step foot in there again and i'm hoping i dont have to say that twice after tonight. i'll go to the gym after work, put in some hardcore cardio and a mini full body work out, back home, rest a bit, shower, do my hair, makeup, outfit which is very cute, very ashlee simpson, then out the door to meet james who's my date for the night. he's become a good companion to have as your wingman.

thank god goa is like 5 minutes away. thank god my throat hurts a bit so i can't drink that much. thank god tomorrow is wednesday. and thank god i did my taxes. oh god, heres more...

i am beginning to see clearly now. perspective. i miss him, i totally do but he was getting on my nerves with his actions and all i could do was punch him or cry. no other choice. once it gets to the point where you feel you've done SO much for that person and they feel the same but yet no one can agree, its a nightmare. i feel better, im glad im so busy and focused. i can't think about anything else but being a survivor and not a victim.

stratus-phere

the event did not go off without a hitch. it was downright embarrassing what happened to some of our attendees. i would suggest you avoid GOA like the plague. that place is ridiculous and i didn't have a good feeling about it there even AFTER the walkthrough. LAME. like any other club in LA and I've been to almost all of them. Nothing changes with these places, they cater to the lamest people on earth and they all happen to live in the LA proper.

what did i learn? not to trust superiors. my boss simply proved his mediocrity. the other boss just proved he wrote a check his ass couldnt cash. i will spare the details, it was pfft.

saturday, i got busy and did some springish cleaning, got my car details, washed my slipcover and clothes. then i got invited to a house party in the hills. perfect. there was a shuttle that would take us up yonder to the manse. party bracelets were necessary. i invited james and ryan to come with me.

we got there and our names weren't on the list. we immediately fixed that situation with a call to tara from motley bird. soon we were in a town car up to the party where I met up with maryanne and ki-moon. it was lame but the booze was free. the crowd wasn't packed but we liked the people watching aspect. soon kev and austin were with us. austin had latched himself onto a beat up coke user who looked like samantha jones w/ no plastic surgery and a heidi klum haircut. kev called her the BFG. yes he pulled out a Roald Dahl reference for her. I was deemed the Margarita Queen by the Margarita King and then met up with the Stratus owners. Lunch sometime this week is set with them about coverage of their events.

paris rolled up, and beckham was supposed to be there but these "Beckham's" were clearly look a likes. we got bored and decided to head home. we drank all night which means i climbed into bed with my sausage croissant, hash browns and oj as the son rose. i haven't done that in so long.

lots of thoughts about FL, especially on Sunday. he would have hated the weekend I had. And for that I am totally annoyed. why did he hate my lifestyle so much. what is so wrong about dancing, drinking a bit, meeting people who enjoy the same things you do and hearing good music. what was he put off by? the dress code? the annoying hollywood vibe? after awhile you get past that...he never could hang or get down with it. he wouldn't fight it, he would tolerate it and pull it out as ammo later about how different we were.

i spent plenty of nights at home with him not being out. i can say in the last month since he left, i've been out ALOT. and I've met alot of people. and i'm going to keep rocking it regardless.

lights, camera, action...

my sister is snoring on the couch.
i just bristled and cooed simultaneously at my Mom for announcing her love for me.
she doesn't emote so gently very often.
and im nervous as shit about our event tomorrow night.
ugh.

i've had words with so many people. had to bribe, persuade and deny so much shit. i mean, the world of gossip is simply the definition of the word gossip

chitchat: light informal conversation for social occasions

dish the dirt: wag one's tongue; speak about others and reveal secrets or intimacies; "She won't dish the dirt"

a report (often malicious) about the behavior of other people; "the divorce caused much gossip"

a person given to gossiping and divulging personal information about others

chew the fat: talk socially without exchanging too much information; "the men were sitting in the cafe and shooting the breeze"
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Gossip consists of casual or idle talk of any sort, sometimes (but not always) slanderous and/or devoted to discussing others. Compare ''''.

chew on that. um, im most excited to party with my friends cat, james, josh and vee. long time crew. LOVE those folks. not one thing could really take that away. its sort of brilliant all the shit we've been through. we're just friends, nothing changes, nothing stays the same.

alot of chatter today anywhoo about the people set to attend. celebs, non celebs we shall see but i'm excited for this to happen. finally. ive snapped on so many people lately but in this way that is only met with understanding. and the fact that i'm a woman coming unglued.

best part of waking up

i woke up this morning and did my usual routine. rushed at a slow pace.

i smoked a cig out back on my mini-patio, its really a cube of cement and then a fence. i watched this woman across the street and she absolutely fascinates me. she's absurd. here's why...

she had a sign on her front door that said

"no weirdos, freaks, gang members or faggots"

then some American flags drawn in crayon and "thank you! "

and i thought, bitch are you serious? that's about the rudest thing ever. this is not lynchburgh, va - this is not the deep south you are in california on a block that used to be owned by the 18th Street Gang. They will shank you, period and I'd let them. who DOES that? its 2008 you live in a neighborhood with gays, trannies, ethnic folks and the like, if you dont like it, please get the fuck out of here.

i hate that type of dissension. the kind that people impose on others. i dont feel oppressed when i see her tired ass sign, i feel sorry for her. are you that concerned? really? cause CL and westside rentals are filled to the brim with open vacancies in an area that won't drive you mad. it was very taxi driver of her to put up that sign and i get that, but it does her no favors. now im just waiting for her to go 5150.

i spent too much time pondering her, giving myself emphysema and i need to make smoothies, lay out my clothes the night before and take a good shower. not focus on negative energy so soon first thing. i do thank the sun. and thank awakening. its a beautiful thing to wake up everyday.

im planning this event for the magazine and its stressful. no money, means everybody in your business. but its also keeping my mind off of FL. though i had a dream about him last night. actually, he's been piercing my astral world with his energy. he'd love that i'm even talking about that.

last week, i awoke to what i thought with complete certainty, was him calling my name
"Wynter. Wyn!" I heard. Ugh, that killed. last night, i dreamed that he was with me walking and then i was joined by my ex from way back.

his energy is missing from my life but not like its lost. he's just not here. because it was so abrupt, i guess to me, to go from talking everyday to not talking at all, i feel like it was a band-aid that was ripped off. but because it had to be done, i guess im just dealing anyway i can by not thinking about it so much. contrary to what is written in the blog, day to day i dont obsess over him, there is nothing to be done.

the only thing im working on now, is letting go of regret and thoughts of failure. we had an amazing relationship and it brought alot out of me, I got over repressed sexual energy, feeling unfeminine, thinking i'll never fall in love. dude, i got to be in love! like the real mushy, movie thing. and it was real.

how great is that! if your relationship fails, women should rejoice in being in love, its a wonderful thing. even if it fails - you were one of the ones who got to do it! isn't that something? its a lot!

that is unless he was a douche. then i can't help you, the signs were all there you just didn't know it. thats another blog topic.

songs i hate and now they mean something: vol 1.

When You Were Young
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now ... here he comes!

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

Can we climb this mountain
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go

We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane that started turning
When you were young
When you were young

And sometimes you close your eyes
and see the place where you used to live
When you were young

They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young
(He talks like a gentlemen, like you imagined when)
When you were young

I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But more than you'll ever know