what gets you down then lifts you up

i guess its growth, i guess its the reality of mortality, i guess as i approach 30, i just realize that time keeps on slipping.

my history/english teacher from my GATE classes from my middle school passed away before Christmas. we just learned in the New Year.

Word passes from one to the next and the next and then it gets to you. You do what you will with the information and then you move on - or you stop and ponder for a long while like I have.

i found his obit online - and i was suddenly reminded that 15 years ago, when he was my teacher, in order to find something like this, i would have had to track down a paper and KNOW the exact day or go to the library and use the goddamned microfiche machine or ask the librarian to do a special search and sign this slip here and we'll have it in a couple days....

i immediately began crying - quite uncontrollably. i learned so much from him, i learned that i could do what i wanted to do, and encourage others the best way i saw fit. unorthodox teaching? this man lived, slept and breathed educating us. he went the extra mile and engaged us in ways no other teacher dared or cared to do. it was the only class i paid attention in, the only class i took seriously, the only place where i wanted to shine.

he tapped into my need to know, and he would take the subject further and further and explore every aspect of it until you were so filled with details, you could tell the story of Catherine the Great, or Nero and the fall of Rome or King Henry's female troubles as if you were sitting in the courtyard informing the townspeople. he was a masterful storyteller and even w/ the ADD addled mind i possess, he kept me rapt.

the crying was 2-fold. im reminded of a time when life was just simple and all i had to do was go to school but yet i was so concerned with everything else, boys, my body, acceptance. im sure if i spent more time focusing and less time on those things, i'd be the president of the united states, i will settle for being a social butterfly of Hollywood. the other part of the crying? is that we all have to go someday. one day someone will be reading my obit, hopefully a long and steady and interesting enough one - and they will be remembering my contributions and im hopeful i will make many more through my life...but if you can have the grace and the energy to give people so much of yourself, people you have no more responsibility for than what you can handle within those walls, just students filled with potential of varying kinds, and do that every day without having a shitty attitude - god bless you. cause that man was just like that.

i want to make a difference in this world, a positive change and give back to people. i want to help others and motivate people do well and live a good life. its what i do everyday.

plus i just want to be Oprah rich. I want to be so rich that I replace Oprah and they just call it Wynter rich.

But I'll take complete happiness and contentment before I become drunk with riches.

get paid to blog

oh ok.

why not?

this was my fourth attempt at a blog. the first one earned me considerable recognition and the ones in between didn't really count and this one was because i wanted to talk about my relationship and the breakup. that almost feels a million years ago. just like thinking about the night we met feels like a kazillion years ago.

so here i am now taking on all sorts of new responsibilities job and life and otherwise. which means my life is about to totally effing change. and you want to see a girl who is about to take the world and this industry by storm? you're reading about her right now.

so now im getting some freelance work because of the blog and my work IRL, its a pretty big deal and its basically going to get open up a world i've tried to get into for a while.

the real honest true life of a writer. everything that comes with it. the passion, the hope, the wracking of the brain for ideas, the visions and notetaking, the preparation the focus and sleepless nights. the research, the parties, the swag, the trips to dig up sources and clues and ideas...all of it. bring it. BRING. IT.

cause if you haven 't heard, i have had a pretty interesting and challenged life. it wasn't be my parents sucked, or we had no money, or i lived in a bad neighborhood (none of those...) its because since the day i was born - my brain wanted to be 30 while my body and experience were lacking in support of that notion. im ready to be 29, i'm ready to be 30.

i'm also ready to be a mom and a wife and blah blah blah but FIRST i'm ready to proliferate my conciousness which is just plain maverick.


Noun
1.
maverick - someone who exhibits great independence in thought and action
rebel
recusant, nonconformist - someone who refuses to conform to established standards of conduct


yea that pretty much explains my purpose here. i want to bring it back to reality. i was a recessionista before CNN tried to coin the term, i was on Amy Winehouse's beehive and turquoise bra strap before she screamed BLAAAAAAKE for the first time, i was blogging in 2001 and got DOOCED for it before she coined DOOCE.

original gangster.


more to come....

And so it is...

Just like you said it would be...


An email.

Facebook no less...

Dont really know what to say...

How do you respond?

Yes I'm great. Fine, even. Thank you.

I really am great, really am fine.

I'm happy. I'm content for now. Anxiety somewhat subsided.

There is less of it than there was before.

So how do I respond? And why haven't I yet.

Because the anxiety I felt when I knew it was the end...

which is strangely like when i knew it was the beginning of the end...

not really dissimilar than when i knew i was falling for him, and he for me...

is creeping up on my spine and makes the hairs of my neck stand up straight.

and...I dunno. I dont like that feeling allll that much.

3 out of 4 aint bad...

best month on record and if obama wins, i will say that %75 of 2008 has EXCEEDED MY EXPECTATIONS.

what a year folks.

what a fucking year.

started with me attempting to salvage a mess of a relationship, get my foothold in this industry in which my knowledge is genius level and survive. just plain survival.

and look at what i have gained...its been so amazing. all the love, all the support, all the wealth.

i've earned more money this year than i ever have.
i've learned more about the woman i am to become.
i've fought off demons real and imaginary.
i've learned to accept who i am, and its non negotiable for others.

here i am about to trek back to chicago to cover the story in which i wrote and reporter and hustled dan rather style to put together. there is a reason my obsession with news as a baby was such, its my lifeblood. i love to be informed and to inform others.

since my blog is mostly about life love and sex, i'd say that love will come and it will be great again and i will totally welcome the right one in...but for now, the rest? is awesome.

lets hear it for the boy...

a few things about the guy i just started dating: we met cute at the binary party a few weeks ago.
he wears glasses and is blind as a bat w/o them. he hasn't traveled much, and suggested we go to NY together. hes funny and has a sharp wit and can sense my hesitation. "Am I am too young for you?" he asked while we walked arm in arm to the party from my apartment. "Ummm...I dont know yet. I just dont know." He reminds me of someone I used to know. The COT knows what I mean.

But his DJ schedule is a thorn in my side, he is more excited about molesting his Technics than me! I am jealous of two turntables and crowds of aimless 20somethings. i feel too old attending one of his gigs, what with their multicolored flyers and crazy fonts and cover charges. his myspace page looks like my car after a night at the Vanguard. Obvi, he fits my criteria for consideration; cute, weird and smart.

"what kind of mood are you in?" he asked after i was curt and brief in our IM exchange.

HA. i bristled at the insinuation i was in any kind of mood other than WONDERFUL.

"i just saw jay-z last night, my outfit was amazing, I danced my heart out, I am AWESOME"

"Great, that's fun -but i'm just getting a weird vibe from you"

OVER Instant Messenger? Aw hell...well...I've never been considered subtle.

Its just, I'm used to things moving so fast and now that I'm dating someone who moves pretty slow "Like an old man..." he claims...I dont know what to do with myself. So my first mode is to, pump the brakes, screech everything to a halt til I get an answer that satisfies me. This is the "stuff" you know, this is how you learn who you are in a relationship and who you are as a person seeking a relationship.

Oh ME, haven't I learned anything!!? They dont like that, they dont like being pressured or forced into anything. Who's forcing? They also don't like being asked questions directly, and looked in the eye and admitting when they are wrong. They also don't like being compared...

"And would you mind please not comparing me to your ex, I'm completely sure we are two different people, I'm actually positive we are nothing alike at all. K?"

My word. Melt a girl's heart why dont you...

"And trust me, I'm not OVER invested...yet."

Hisssscratch! He's a straight shooter which is something I appreciate.

He's also a DJ who smokes loose tobacco in hand rolled cigs and he wears skateboarding shoes but doesn't skateboard and lives in the deep Valley and LOVES it and doesn't like getting TOO crazy (and that would mean more than 3 drinks in one night) of course he also is obsessed with dance music and politics and sees right through my bullshit.He without doubt, does not let me act stupid for the sake of getting attention.

We are going to see "W" Monday or Tuesday and have dinner after that.

If it lasts 90 days, it will be incredibly fun no doubt.

As for insta-date, well, we are essentially "dating" because he wont stop calling and begging to take me out on a proper date, but I dont think he will make it past the threshold of real dating until he stops A) calling me and watching tv at the same time and B) stops saying I am making him "work" for it. He needs to be quiet.