the scenario.

so...

im going through hypnotherapy. and its given me a heightened sense of awareness about myself. that's not entirely what the purpose is, you go in trying to rid yourself of one thing, leave ridding yourself of one less emotional crutch.

the smoking is an ongoing gradually declining situation...less drinking is a work in progress (note: i'm not a drunk, drunks dont know how they got home, what they said, what they were doing, they often blackout - no, i just dont like the frequency in which i'm drinking...that bugs) but what i'm most fascinated about is the fact that because of the sessions, its forced me to want things in my life, to be less complicated. less catastrophic. and it seems like the overall outlook that if i can keep things LEVEL, for instance - be OK with what I can and cannot change and focus on the bigger picture. i think the next part of this transition - is seeing the urgency and need for consistency in certain things and practicing restraint in other situations.

im on it. i feel so much more in tune with every freaking thing. my dr. her name is wanita holmes. she's pretty brilliant. she reminds me very much of a cross between my Dad's mom and my mom's grandmother.

"I've lived from sin to salvation" Her words, not mine. I loved that. I want to say that when I'm 81. I want to say that I've seen it, done it. i also want to have a legacy. she has a degree in "stop sweating the small shit"

hopefully this therapy makes a difference, cause i need something to believe in.

one caveat - she records our sessions on cassette tapes, who the eff has a cassette tape player anymore? she's lucky i dug one up. that shit is going the way of the dodo bird.

fashion vs neighbors

i got yelled at last night by the old british couple who live directly across from me for being loud.

here's the thing...im not some party-rager type. my apartment is the size of a shoebox, its totally sanctuary-ville. what might annoy others is the fact that i play music to drown THEM out. this insists on bickering loudly until they shut the door.

i was walking back w/ my hoodrat neighbor Holly. She borrowed my champagne glasses while she chilled with the vatos y ellas. She's more ghetto than I'll ever be. totally immersed in the gang culture, and from Manhattan Beach. that's right, rich girl passionate about the hood. we were laughing in my kitchen when i suddenly her a loud "SHHHH". but wait there's more, i get yelled at. and to top it off she calls me Autumn. not my name. i was a little hurt. im so nice to them, nicer than i would ever be to neighbors seeing as im not a fan of getting to know them on a deeper level other than "Hi" and "Bye" There is def a you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours mentality when you live in a neighborhood which I learned was owned by "TMC" that stands for The Magician's Club, a gang that is directly rivaled with 18th Street.

You see, I live in gangland which doesn't say much as they are all underground...apparently I am surrounded by the following:

* 18th Street Gang (Los Angeles)
* White Fence Gang (Los Angeles)
* TMC Gang (The Magicians Club) (Los Angeles)
* Valerio Gang (San Fernando Valley)
* Blyth Street Gang (Van Nuys)

Fun fact: they're called the "Magician's Club" because get this...they make people disappear.
(Read: If I don't blog ever again after this...call the authorities, hide my diaries and give my clothes to my sister)

she was incredibly snippy and said i was not considerate of the neighbors in the complex. BALDERDASH. im totally fucking considerate, so much that I mind my own business. the other thing, they are only here a few months out of the year. I think its time they stop doing this. First of all, they're like 80, living in a war zone. Just stay in London. Also, I'm sure to them, all young people are loud. We just are. And obnoxious. She's just annoyed I was listening to Hector Lavoe and Celia Cruz till 10 at night.

I've also decide that I'll let bygones be bygones and by that it means, I will in fact BECOME the bratty, obnoxious neighbor she so dares me to be and ignore her. if she blames her outburst on early onset Alzheimer's I'll just poo-poo that notion as its a lie.

She knew what she was doing - trying to flex the ol "I'm OLD and require speaking below whisper after 9"

blargh, i got over it pretty fast - its really easy to get over stuff if you try your best not to care TOO much.

epic disappointment

to no one in particular:

are men capable of anything but letting sleeping dogs lie? bygones be bygones? not sweating the small stuff?

if a man firmly believes in these ways of life, laws of living - its just showcases their inability to be sensitive to situations that generally upset women. sure they probably sidestep tons of life's soap operas, but it begs the adage "well-behaved women rarely make history."

now with the cover story of my company's competitor, screaming that SJP, a woman who's SUPPOSED to have it all, has been cheated on by none other than the loving, cuddly, waspy individual, matthew broderick. i guess a real man would allow her to have it all. a wimp wants it her perfect existence to show wear, to crumble, chip or smudge. like makeup and nails. well, after all, that's the most important thing to her anyway, right?

i am fed up with this wimpy behavior. its called insecurity fellas, plain and simple. and i know that a femme word for you all, and easily tossed about like it never applies to your sex, but you guys can be so. totally. fucking. insecure.

and the men who are willing to have a comment, to tell a woman how they really feel without hiding behind bravado, who are down to protect her and be on her side no matter what. take in account her feelings, give her constructive feedback and share in her joy and pain without feeling putupon?

they are few, far between.
but i would like to meet them.

i wish i could shake this persistent feeling of constant disappointment when it comes to the male species. i feel like every time a man opens his mouth, he's totally fucking lying.

stuff that rawks

pharrell, just before he began to sing "lapdance"
hardfest, shrine auditorium, 1:04 am
i dont care, he's just too damn sexy.


singing "she wants to move"
its sounds so much better live & everyone knew the words


w/ ryan & jessica (directly behind me) there was a lot of dancing involved.

"yo, ma, i went to art school."
same night, but earlier - i was an innocent bystander as my good buddy, josh b. earned his one way ticket to hell ...sarcasm reigns even at a fancy charity event I guess.
yet he rawks because he is hella funny and he's a vis efx artist, some of the most interesting people in the business are those way deep behind the scenes like this character.
be sure to ask him about Thailand.






my accessory du jour: CC SKYE cocktail ring
this bad boy looks good w/ pretty much everything.

best quotes of the weekend:

"you must understand, i have friends in every corner of the globe ringing me 24 hours a day, i have to do it."
- ryan s. on keeping his BB on silent.

"all he had to do was sit on a couch and laugh for 30 damn years? and he's broke? no i dont feel sorry for his ass"
- my mother on Ed McMahon

"y'all so rich, you dont have mosquitoes. as a matter of a fact, i saw one housefly and it had a british accent."
-cedric the entertainer referring to the palatial estate during the Hollyrod event.

saturday night live

hella shit to do this weekend, where i'll be:

private b-day party - malibu colony
hollyrod event - malibu
hardfest - shrine auditorium
glow - santa monica


thats just saturday.

xo

would you tell a woman her husband was a douchebag?

went to a party in the colony a few weeks back. met up with my lovely friends for an after 4th of july dinner party on the sea. it was very sweet and intimate. a small crew and lots of catered goodies. very yummers. while in attendance i made the acquaintance of a young couple, the husband being somewhat wealthy while somewhat unemployed. (daddy's money) his wife was afflicted with some acute type of eczema. lovely girl - funny sweet and pretty.

the husband quite openly criticized his wife's appearance. this is after telling me and schwartz about his lovely wedding in a 3rd world country home to my ancestors. he was drunk, don't get me wrong, we all do weird stuff when liquored up, but suddenly he became incredibly inappropriate and "huggy". i dont like awkward situations such as these, but i can't deny the obvious. without missing a beat i word vomited "you're a total douchebag", then laughed in his face as he laughed back. when you're drunk, shit takes a while to process cause then he paused and then looked at me blankly "wait...am i? am i a douchebag?"

i didn't stutter.

"yes dude...you're totally off-base. if you were my husband i'd be so sad. i'd think i make bad decisions, because there is no way i wouldn't have known before the wedding you were ridiculous."

he was taken aback and for the rest of the night pretty much retreated that was until the end.

he was back and with a vengeance. "so what are you ladies up to tonight?" i probably named 40 different things that didnt go together "washing my sponges, defragging my hard drive, then reading "unbearable lightness of being" backwards, organizing my dust bunnies, then after all that, stomping grapes and curing ketchup for a merlot-pruno blend...you?"

he babbled, and babbled. finally he was gone not soon before he was terrorizing another group of innocents. i was giving my host and hostess a big ol' hug, kiss and thank you before the wife of said douchebag appears, rolling her eyes. "i have to get away from my husband..." she said, exasperated. i saw the confusion in her eyes. the "what have i done..." he probably traipses about the colony embarrassing her from one ingloriously overpriced pub to the next...

i dont know these two from adam but i have a good eye for human behavior prompted by my intuition. i see them as the go to couple for fun, maybe not the picture of domesticity---they probably have awesome days together, have great sex and adventure...but there is nothing worse than casting doubt about your man in the face of others...this has happened to me when the ex got supremely wasted and embarrassed me during the cinco de mayo fiasco of 2006 in which he stole $ from others and licked my face. not to be confused with the 4th of july fiasco of 06 in which he called me fat for not wearing a bathing suit.

(ed note: ew. why did i put up with that for sooo long?)

i hope to find someone who will never embarrass me. because i really hate seeing it happen to others. so either marry someone who loves you more than you do him, OR dont get married ever.

so ladies, LIFE IS TOO SHORT! just do what little man did:

american psycho*

"Yes it is! In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself."

(*im this close to have this be my daily routine-except for waking up early)

wake at 6:30a, thank god for opening my eyes.
click on the news, wait for al to toss to willard who tosses to local...)
put on workout clothes
AM cardio for 45 minutes, watch the rest of CNN Today on treadmill

• b: small bowl of any cereal with wheat involved, skim milk, some kind of fruit OR a protein shake, water, supplements, pills
• l: protein, protein, protein, veggie, bulk of daily carbs
• sn: almonds, fruit, 1/2 avo w/ lime juice or a yogurt.
• d: protein shake, protein/veggies or nothing

cardio 45 minutes a day - period.

weights: 30-45 minutes full body 3-4 times a week.

no drinky and bed by 11p - sun-thurs

am: wash face w/ gentle cleanser, shower medium hot for 5 minutes, lotion, bp 8% and sun block, makeup

pm: wash face w/ glyco cleanser, shower after gym, lotion, brush teeth, floss, trico, no moisturizer at night.

kelly mccauley throws fun parties aka last weekend in 81 fotos

this is helen mirren @ 62

Looking better than you at whatever age you are, in a bikini.

Black dont crack but it droops.

Note to self: stay on top of game.

That is all.

as a rule...

i try my best not to speak on anything unless i know FOR sure my answer is correct. i recently entered an argument w/ this guy who was on shear genius. he was cut i think the first episode of this season, which is LACKLUSTER to say the least. No PUN INTENDED. some of the most tired hair styles i've ever seen.

i said, "you know kim vo is half vietnamese." kim vo is one of the judges, has a shop on robertson i believe. its true, under that piled high blond bouffant is a little Hapa. this guy swore up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down that KV is just a "white man" and he said this with CONVICTION, like how dare I argue with him? He knows his business, he was on a reality show with this man.

then i thought, you are supposed to be this AMAZING personality, you have a line of hair products, a clothing line, this that and the other yet you are working at a barber shop with 20 other barbers following being voted OFF a reality show in the FIRST episode.

plus not to mention, look at him:

it doesn't take a Rhodes scholar to see that he is not 100% caucasian. Ok, so maybe it wouldn't be Vietnamese...doesn't matter, somewhere in his genetic makeup, generations ago someone was of Asian descent.

Bottomline: I'm tired of idiots being paid, and they act like they know.

Know your business. Know it well. And don't even try to argue with me about the following:

1. Pop Culture
2. Genetic makeup
3. Minutiae

cause you will lose.

when tastemakers collide

i got a reputation to maintain. no further comment.

(from l to r, allison melnick, chris detert, me, some dude, paris, nicky)

flashing. lights.

went to this event on thursday as a guest of the gallery owner and the publicists...i'll say...it was 1000 degrees in Pop Factory but it was a cocktail party worth attending. Delightful group of people, and I finally shared a touching moment with Paris & Nicky - they adored my couture shirt I got for 80% off at American Rag.

See, those bitches get it.

If you can find me in this paparazzi video, I appear twice, (not to include when I was smoking with the sisters out back...) you get a free subscription to OK magazine.

dnc 2008

i want to go, i went when i was 20, and it was a fantastic experience not only professionally but personally. i like watching change happen, and obviously this election is historical. i cling tightly to the pop culture side of things cause its what i do and passionate about...but the nerd in me, the need to know, the horder of info, i am passionate about current affairs and politics.

i watch the news in the morning and at the gym. my attention genuinely rapt. there are some truly amazing and harrowing stories out there right now i wish i would have covered. i do wish i pursued a career in journalism fully without distraction.

so im trying to get credentialed for DNC and im sure it would have happen if i had not waited so long so now it looks like i have to volunteer if i want to be apart of this at all. im still going to check other avenues, but this opportunity escaping me, whether Barack O. wins or not, would be a disappointment.

im honored to be apart of the generation that could change this world. when i was younger, even in the 80s, i never imagined that in one week, i'd see the following:

A black man aboard his plane as he attempts to win the US Presidency
Black action star make his gazillionth #1 summer tent pole film
Two black sisters compete for the title in Wimbledon

that's heavy. more and more each day im encouraged by these developments. i really hope it does something for those not in the know. im hoping against hope we can erase stigmas and change the cultural landscape within the black community.

we need to brush the dirt off our shoulders and rise up and strengthen as a people, not so much about protecting ourselves, as its more like representing our race in a better more positive light.

as my grandmother would say, we need to get our ass up off our shoulders (and that dirt) about being held back...to that i now say, you are holding yourself back. too much opportunity out there for us not to see it and grab it by any means necessary.

and stay diverse. always.

I love Barack Obama and I'm going to support him any way I can.

4th of July

CANDIDS

Caught attempting to say "This is so fun" after my 4th margarita.

Good ol' Ryan....love this kid...

Michelle Jones! With Toni Toni Toni.
We became besties reminiscing on muzak from our childhood.

Adam with Toni eating fries

This couple was fighting, but he was obviously making a breakthrough. It was pretty and reminds me of the movie "Valley Girl"

this posting approved by the everfabulous, j. betts.

hey, hey, you know what to do...

going to a malibu beach party tomorrow...this is my 90210/saved by the bell moment if there ever was one.

you know how every summer they went to the beachhouse or their beach jobs and got into a whole other batch of shenanigans that didn't involve their primary respective environs.

im not a huge beach person by nature, those 120 hours of community service didn't help matters.

but what better way to celebrate the height of the summer of wynter than on the beaches of the rich and ridiculously wealthy?

only problem is, i dont know what to wear. egads...

next weekend is the party im actually looking forward to...my friend kelly is coming in from london and opening up her quaint little santa monica beach house to a healthy group of hipsters and others and then there's me, i dont know what group i fit into...i want to think that i can't be pegged into clique. i roll w/ the circle of trust exclusively and those peripheral industry folks im friends with. its going to be painful trying to do that party, then roll out a bit later to an even later party late saturday early sunday.

taking schwartz out this saturday...big fun as always...

i have real problems too, beyond that fake shit - my car was hit by a DWP truck. im one of 5 people i know who have had this happen. my car looks like a transformer in mid-transformation.



so terrible. but at least it runs. the Big Guy knows and he looks out for me.

I was not trying to catch the bus to work, gas crisis or not.

the playlist

is an indicator level.

you guys realize, im really not that clever.

i let the music speak for me.

and this blog too.

earmuffs.

rebound
n 1: a movement back from an impact [syn: {recoil}, {repercussion},
   {backlash}]
2: a reaction to a crisis or setback or frustration; "he is
still on the rebound from his wife's death"
3: the act of securing possession of the rebounding basketball
after a missed shot
v 1: spring back; spring away from an impact; "The rubber ball
  bounced"; "These particles do not resile but they unite
  after they collide" [syn: {bounce}, {resile}, {take a  hop}, {spring}, {bound}, {recoil}, {reverberate}, {ricochet}]
2: return to a former condition; "The jilted lover soon rallied
and found new friends"; "The stock market rallied" [syn: {rally}]

goddammit, im a grown woman and i do what i please when i please. thats evident.

astrobarry predicted i'd be introduced to a libra. who do i meet? a virgo-libra cusp. wowzers. the compatibility chart had some strong opinions about this. meet...well more like reacquaint myself with...more on that later...that's...something else.

1- ive been working out like a fiend for the last 2 months, even more the last 3 weeks and not missing a day in the gym in over 2.5 weeks, i feel great and i look great. i can now see how it will look with even more weight gone and that's awesome. his pillow talk on my level of sexiness were warranted and an incredible ego boost. natch.

2-its been 90 days since the breakup folks. think its safe to say i have really made the effort to move on in a proper way and i've mourned and cherished the end of that. i marinated on rebounding for 2 months of a respect for the situation...

3- this MLA is ridiculously hot. you could not kick him out of bed if you tried. seriously, tall w/ a body like a greek god and the most amazing hair. a full head of it even.

4- i had to cancel cinemax. it was destroying my faith in humanity. cause i'd fall asleep watching, oh i dont know, dances w/ wolves and wake up to some awful, foul, terrible shit involving 2-3 people and one awkwardly placed pair of legs. but something told me to cherish the last two nights i had skinemax and it came in handy- i need to publish a textbook, a how-to for the art of successfully handling an MLA in the new millennium. it would be called "he's just not that into you...if you act like you give a shit"

5- when you slim down, clothes fit perfectly. didn't really over think the outfit, a fresh blowout, tight jeans and translucent tight tee w/ neon pink bra, a pretty vaguely natural face plied w/ beer and conversation. yes a neon pink bra. inspired by carrie bradshaw by way of patricia field.

and finally...

6- this is what you are supposed to do, right? i dont know, im a beginner at breakup recovery!!
it was so very theatrical. right, that's how a director (he) and writer (i) would do things, in a very cinematic manner. there was a lot of chess in the beginning...some mind games, real historical discussion and a trading of facts, horror movie quizzing, the ever present question "why the hell do (i) have so many books?", getting to know you and then...always, the deus ex machina: the accidental ass swipe.

him: (as he's from what i can tell, smelling my hair as i grab a glass from high atop the cupboard) ooops...sorry bout that, my fault.
me: right. well, my ass is huge and my kitchen is small. bound to happen-right?

weirdo.

but i loved. it.

cause im fierce.

and its the SUMMER OF WYNTER.

but...here's where it gets sorta tricky...

i used to live above him.

and i wasn't a fan. so many restless nights i had from his loud ass.

so we bump into each other over a month ago. trade emails, not even phone numbers, nothing dangerous i was being nice. then i start getting these ultra-sultry emails. sometimes at 4 in the morning, sometimes at a normal hour, they went from hotsex to perfectly safe. i got confused that maybe it was ME who was being inappropriate. no he was inappropriate from start tho i thought he was joking, i never insinuated i wanted to go there. whatever. i was suspicious. but then he starts talking sugar, saying he has a crush on me, im pretty, i look good, this that and the other. goes on to say he didn't have a crush on me when i lived above him -- but he always thought i was "funny and interesting". always thought FL and I made a hot couple, was always curious about what one saw in the other and agreed w/ his roommate and aunt that i was the aggressor and he was the enabler. they had discussions about us? and he could hear everything we did. everything. oy.

we'd met up up once before, there was guacamole involved and some tequila but i dont really remember that night so well. partially because it was a blur. when we met up again, he reveals he didn't remember me being so hot or such a character. yea right. but then he kept the inquisition about fl, "he's such a nice guy" "i really like that guy..." "maybe you guys will work it out..." "seems like such a sweet guy"

in the end he spills "i just didn't understand what you two had.." ENOUGH ALREADY. why are you supposed to understand? i dont even understand. tunnelvision. no one was gonna clue you in, pal. you were NEVER on my radar.

you dont like the guy that much if you are trying to bang his ex. period. curious as a cat he was; about me, my life, my work, my attitude. intrigued that i would ever date and even go so far as to love (and i do, will always...) someone like FL. i poo-pooed talk of FL as much as i could as there is no need to go into details. thats weird. the funk of our relationship hanging over an otherwise silly night, no need. then the bombshell: he tells me that FL had led on that i was the nut in the relationship. if that doesn't put you on top of someone faster, finding out that your ex was hanging you out to dry. always tell the truth fella, cause the guy you are spilling to may be spilling it somewhere else later...maybe even into her.

q: do you worry FL will read this?
a: yes and no. yes, because im afraid of what he might think....no, because i can't really think about what he thinks anymore. his opinion of my life is no longer my business.

i sound feisty, but i had the best time. did i have reservations about hanging out w/ the neighbor to begin with. no. see above, i do what i want when i want. it always happens to me, first look at a guy whom i have peripheral exposure to and i could not be bothered a minute more, upon closer inspection however then i can kind of see what the big deal is. i forgot how to be boy crazy which is a good thing but now im just pensive and suspicious. remaining forever sexy while doing so.

so there it is. strong black independent woman. he's a by product of this self-love and what a nice piece of by product he is...on sex and the city, they always rebound on w/ someone completely opposite to what you were in love with. in this case, i hooked up w/ an incredibly funny and sarcastic jock who hates computers.

life is sooooooooo weird.

"better bring a parka...

...cause wynter's coming" - smrtmnky


emergence, reinvention, closure.

this is the final stage of a breakup and it appears that i am all up in that.

this blog really helps me just get it all out in the open. i dont really totally care about being discreet, as long as i dont write about my work or something slanderous, i think i can be open about what im dealing with here. im being honest.

and honestly, ive been smart and strategic about every aspect of this breakdown/breakthrough. i've been thoughtful, emotional when necessary, having fun and feeling free. unburdened, unbridled, less inhibited. i feel like summer started april 1. i can't believe its july 1. i have accepted and moved on. for every girl/guy friend who told me i needed to move on, i kept saying that i was close, and i wasn't lying.

i know myself, when im through, im tha-rough. i weigh pros, cons and the outcome of not carefully planning my actions. the older i get, the less i want to be embarrassed. i think my strategy of patience and vigil has worked out quite well.

the way i feel today, compared to 90 days ago is remarkable. i feel stronger, more resilient and prepared to handle what life hands me.

i have not had great days everyday, some days i feel downright crappy, i just came out of a 2 week blah fest...but we're moving into the next stage of my reinvention.

what happens next? can't tell you...but the plan is working flawlessly.