boot camp

in trying to teach myself discipline - i've had to completely strip down every excuse I make and get to the heart of what's right and how i can best achieve my goals.

first off...1 - accept reality:

once you accept the reality of situation, whatever they are, your salary, a breakup, your living arrangements, then you can decide from there what can stay the way it is, or what can be changed. i love my apartment, but i think i may have too much crap. my beef is that i like to keep things, the reality is that my love for products, early millennial fashion and books are starting to over take my life. so i'm purging tons of shit this weekend. im just doing it. there can be no excuse, EVERYTHING MUST GO. i also cut out all the premium channels on my directv bill. no hbo, showtime, cinemax or starz. am i anxious about it? why yes, does that extra 40 a month hurt my wallet, hells yes. i dont think i'll feel the pain that much, i cannot watch "back to the future" for the 400th time.

next...2- if it bothers you, change it:

its pretty much a known fact to my friends that i have issues with my weight. growing up i was not pudgy, i was athletic and svelte. but i've been working out, but i've also been drinking alot and partying way too much. so i recently committed myself to going to the gym RIGHT AFTER WORK. i've committed to the supplements, my meds and drinking water and i have to say, a big bowl of fiber every morning is amazing for the gut. working out and watching your body change is rewarding, im ecstatic that i'll be in my silver dress by august. just in time for vegas, the redux. its up to me if i want to turn 29 next year in potentially the same state, i can't deal with that, i can't deal with the current state which is why im either at gold's first thing in the am, right after work or if that doesn't happen which it should, then im there at night. i can foresee the road if i dont do something about my body and how i feel about it. i dont LOVE it. i dont cradle it, i take care of it on the outside, pristinely---but the inside needs a bit of work. i can see that i will be miserable and tortured if i dont deal with the reality of it. this weight is not even about me, its about my insecurity, survival and trauma.
i carry it around like old luggage that needs to be tossed (see #1) i will still be voluptuous and sexy 30 pounds less. not a big deal, i will never be bone-thin like i was growing up, i will however beat jessica biel at her own game cause she has the body i had when i was 16.
she rebuilt her body to look like that, so can i. discipline.


last, 3 - what is most important?
right now? me and my happiness. and how will i make myself happy. this summer i've had plenty of happiness in my life that made me feel great. traveling even to a few local places and Vegas, hanging out with friends from NY, Norcal and here...going to parties, strengthening my ties with my best friends, meeting new people, the support I've had throughout this whole thing is the best. the best part about the support is people go out of their way to tell me what good about me just being me. how important it is to have perspective and they dont trash talk the ex. And not because they are trying to be PC, because the reality (#1) is that he's not in my life. whether its for now or forever, he aint here. im not glad, relieved or bitter. it is what it is. who's happiness is more important? mine. he gave up considering my feelings a very long time ago...so now im going to focus on my needs no matter what anyone says wants or desires. if its positive then its what i need. he's not the makeup of my life. being a couple was fun, being a couple of angry people was not. i think i have what it takes to become someone's wife and mother of their children someday. no woman is born that way and i have a lot more to learn about men. so i need to start being a lady who lives with a goal toward that mindset. i have my eye on the prize of being a self-made career woman and business and that is definitely apart of my present and future - but making a baby, 3 or 4 maybe? getting married - or not even, just having a partner who's committed to not only DEALING with my shit, but helping me get through it is what i'd like in my life. (and vice versa. i wont be selfish forever.)

i will no longer deal with toy soldiers - don't join the army unless you want to be the army.

(look, i dont soothe everyone's palate. there is a lot about MYSELF i dont like, but i know my heart, others do too, i care about people, i care about my life and this journey, and i want to be a good person and leave a legacy that will effort change. somehow. sasa helps me see why i have strength, because i'm here, still fighting. she and i both come from somewhat difficult and bi-polar childhoods. while we were happy and blessed to everyone on the outside, on the inside we were charged w/ so much responsibility, emotionally and intellectually by our parents that we often fought with who we were as growing kids. i love my parents so much, they know that. i forgive them their faults and missteps