boot camp

in trying to teach myself discipline - i've had to completely strip down every excuse I make and get to the heart of what's right and how i can best achieve my goals.

first off...1 - accept reality:

once you accept the reality of situation, whatever they are, your salary, a breakup, your living arrangements, then you can decide from there what can stay the way it is, or what can be changed. i love my apartment, but i think i may have too much crap. my beef is that i like to keep things, the reality is that my love for products, early millennial fashion and books are starting to over take my life. so i'm purging tons of shit this weekend. im just doing it. there can be no excuse, EVERYTHING MUST GO. i also cut out all the premium channels on my directv bill. no hbo, showtime, cinemax or starz. am i anxious about it? why yes, does that extra 40 a month hurt my wallet, hells yes. i dont think i'll feel the pain that much, i cannot watch "back to the future" for the 400th time.

next...2- if it bothers you, change it:

its pretty much a known fact to my friends that i have issues with my weight. growing up i was not pudgy, i was athletic and svelte. but i've been working out, but i've also been drinking alot and partying way too much. so i recently committed myself to going to the gym RIGHT AFTER WORK. i've committed to the supplements, my meds and drinking water and i have to say, a big bowl of fiber every morning is amazing for the gut. working out and watching your body change is rewarding, im ecstatic that i'll be in my silver dress by august. just in time for vegas, the redux. its up to me if i want to turn 29 next year in potentially the same state, i can't deal with that, i can't deal with the current state which is why im either at gold's first thing in the am, right after work or if that doesn't happen which it should, then im there at night. i can foresee the road if i dont do something about my body and how i feel about it. i dont LOVE it. i dont cradle it, i take care of it on the outside, pristinely---but the inside needs a bit of work. i can see that i will be miserable and tortured if i dont deal with the reality of it. this weight is not even about me, its about my insecurity, survival and trauma.
i carry it around like old luggage that needs to be tossed (see #1) i will still be voluptuous and sexy 30 pounds less. not a big deal, i will never be bone-thin like i was growing up, i will however beat jessica biel at her own game cause she has the body i had when i was 16.
she rebuilt her body to look like that, so can i. discipline.


last, 3 - what is most important?
right now? me and my happiness. and how will i make myself happy. this summer i've had plenty of happiness in my life that made me feel great. traveling even to a few local places and Vegas, hanging out with friends from NY, Norcal and here...going to parties, strengthening my ties with my best friends, meeting new people, the support I've had throughout this whole thing is the best. the best part about the support is people go out of their way to tell me what good about me just being me. how important it is to have perspective and they dont trash talk the ex. And not because they are trying to be PC, because the reality (#1) is that he's not in my life. whether its for now or forever, he aint here. im not glad, relieved or bitter. it is what it is. who's happiness is more important? mine. he gave up considering my feelings a very long time ago...so now im going to focus on my needs no matter what anyone says wants or desires. if its positive then its what i need. he's not the makeup of my life. being a couple was fun, being a couple of angry people was not. i think i have what it takes to become someone's wife and mother of their children someday. no woman is born that way and i have a lot more to learn about men. so i need to start being a lady who lives with a goal toward that mindset. i have my eye on the prize of being a self-made career woman and business and that is definitely apart of my present and future - but making a baby, 3 or 4 maybe? getting married - or not even, just having a partner who's committed to not only DEALING with my shit, but helping me get through it is what i'd like in my life. (and vice versa. i wont be selfish forever.)

i will no longer deal with toy soldiers - don't join the army unless you want to be the army.

(look, i dont soothe everyone's palate. there is a lot about MYSELF i dont like, but i know my heart, others do too, i care about people, i care about my life and this journey, and i want to be a good person and leave a legacy that will effort change. somehow. sasa helps me see why i have strength, because i'm here, still fighting. she and i both come from somewhat difficult and bi-polar childhoods. while we were happy and blessed to everyone on the outside, on the inside we were charged w/ so much responsibility, emotionally and intellectually by our parents that we often fought with who we were as growing kids. i love my parents so much, they know that. i forgive them their faults and missteps

for AD.

friend,

this shit sucks. and screw the god damned mini-feed.

its unfair.

its heartbreaking.

for me, there are days when im ELATED and don't even remember his face.

then there are days when its all i see; in others, in the design of my apartment, the dent he created on my car, the shirt he left in my drawer.

when i goto tell a funny story and he was involved in the best part.

sometimes i hear him say my name in my sleep. sometimes i dream that he's pushing me away saying, " just leave me be, please." how do you argue with the subconscious?

when im really sad i recite every mean thing he ever said and did, and that helps me bound out of bed...

then i remember all the things he'd said i'd never heard before and how it was the way i learned about love.

other days i just pretend he was somebody i knew that i don't really know anymore.

i think that when you try to push something out of your mind, it never goes away.

at some point it rears its ugly head and then its all you can think about until something drags it away back into the the recesses of your mind, its not that im in denial of my breakup, i just think that while necessary, its similar to taxes, parking tickets, rent. you dont want to deal with it but you have to.

sometimes i wonder if we can ever be friends. but then i wonder how he could ever look at me and not want to touch me.

other times i want to have the memory of him erased, i've done enough research to know that thats impossible.

it gets easier as some point. i guess. or so ive been told.

take as long as you need, i am.

until then, you have friend, family and loved ones and of course im always there if you need.

all that said...

THE SUMMER OF WYNTER STILL PREVAILS!

keep ya head up...

xoxox

top 8 favorite jay-z lyrics

take away the image, the clothes, the rides, the wifey and you have who i consider my favorite rapper, jay-z. i grew up listening to jigga and to watch his trajectory into mainstream, is both exciting and bittersweet. he was hard scrabble, product of marcy projects, rapping about stealing your bitch, slanging cocaine and heroin, dodging bullets. i didn't identify but he walked me through the "story" as if i were right there with him. i idolize him because he has the spirit of a survivor and a warrior.

He's the inspiration poster of music for me. he calls people on their shit all the time and is unapologetic...whereas his ego is grand, if not more grandiose than say Kanye or even Diddy - its his style, his lyricism and reserved nature that makes me hang on his every word and repeat it often. Oh and the beats and bass.

1.
"we dont believe you...you need more people"
-Takeover

2.
Try and lie on Hov' cause I ride on the road, in what, most would describe as a Rolls
NO, that's that Continental T, The only car that fit intercontinental me, not guilty -
- Guilty Until Proven Innocent

3.
Rich niggas, black bar-mitzvahs, Mazel Tov its a celebration bitches,
L'Chayim I wish for you a hundred years of success but it's my time
Cheers, toast to crime number one d-boy damn he could rhyme...
- Roc Boys

4.
I got this African chick with Eddie Murphy on her skull
She like, "Jigga Man, why you treat me like animal?"
I'm like excuse me Ms. Fufu, but when I met your ass
you was dead broke and naked, and now you want half....
-Girls, Girls, Girls

5.
I'm ten years removed, still the vibe is in my veins
I got a hustler spirit, nigga period
Check out my hat yo, peep the way I wear it
Check out my swag' yo, I walk like a ballplayer
No matter where you go, you are what you are player
And you can try to change but that's just the top layer
Man, you was who you was 'fore you got here
Only God can judge me, so I'm gone, either love me, or leave me alone
-Public Service Announcement

6.
I don't think it's meant to be, be
But she loves her work more than she does me
And honestly, at twenty-three, I would probably love my work more than I did she
So we, ain't we, It's me, and her
'Cause what she prefers over me, is work
And that's, where we, differ, So I have to give her
Free, time, even if it hurts, So breathe, mami, it's deserved
You've been put on this earth to be, All you can be, like the reserves
And me? My timing in this army, it's served, So I have to allow she, her, time to serve
The time's now for her, The time she'll mature
And maybe we, can be, we, again like we were
Finally, my time's too short to share, And to ask her now, it ain't fair
So yeah, she lost one
-Lost Ones

7
Hov' did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that - Izzo

8.
I never asked for nothin' I don't demand of myself / Honesty, loyalty, friends and then wealth / Death before dishonor and I tell you what else / I tighten my belt 'fore I beg for help / Foolish pride is what held me together through the years / I wasn't felt which is why I ain't never played myself / I just play the hand I'm dealt, I can't say I've never knelt / Before God and asked for better cards at times to no avail / But I never sat back feelin sorry for myself / If you don't give me heaven I'll raise hell ('Til it's heaven)
-Justify My Thug

vegas 2008

haven't been since i was 20. this is my first real Vegas experience.

what kind of fuckery is this? - hollywood edition

if the death of johnny grant says anything about the state of affairs in Hollywood proper...he should be turning in his grave. that's supposed to be indiana jones. homey in the back is not buying it either.

i know harrison ford is up there in years, but god bless him. if not but for the infinite amounts of cash he's reaping from returning to ONE of the roles that made him famous, its his fuck it approach to being nearly 70 and still running around whipping people and trying to find crystal skulls, temples of doom, lost arks and what have you. even sean connery was like...peace out.

but this guy? this guy was wearing khakis with a visible Dockers insignia and carrying a ROPE and a Sony handicam. HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE ATTRACTION. AND INDIANA JONES' CHARACTERS IS FROM THE 1930's or 40s. Sound in film was a phenomena at this point.

WTF.

Then there's this assclown...


talking about you can't take pictures of Freddy without paying first. Whatwhatwhat?



wasn't this a Nip/Tuck episode? why are you broads walking together? suspend SOME KIND OF DISBELIEF for the millions of wide eyed tourists who flew thousands of miles to take in Hollywood. Marilyn is dearly departed, we know...but you can't walk around in her SOME LIKE IT HOT garb together, at the same time. I wish I had taken a picture of the Goth/straight edge Charlie Chaplin. His cane twirl was PATHETIC.

and this poor bastard...


Hollywood makes me sad sometimes. As convenient as it is...its truly the district of lost dreams.

When I was little, my mom took me to see Pippi Longstocking at the Children's Museum. I was so stoked. Here was my chance to meet my first cultural icon of my youth. I read all her books, was passionate about her travels, her great relationship with her father, her monkey, how she would pop someone in the face if they screwed with her, how she could do practically anything she wanted...I lived vicariously though her tomfoolery and mischievious Robin Hood-esque lifestyle. I talked about it in pre-school for days...and finally, that summer Saturday, it came time for the meeting.

We arrive, I BOUND out of the Volvo and into the grassy area looking for the red mop and baby doll dress. I imagined she was my height, and age and we would spend the entire day playing until we fell restlessly into the sand eating Hostess cupcakes that I would introduce her to. We'd sing songs, play on the swings, she'd tell me about her time on the seas with her Papa and I'd tell her about my Daddy taking me to his work where he'd bring me on the runway to watch the planes land and take off. The envy of all the kids stuck at the gate. Then our parents would pull us apart as we cried and promised to write.

Uh no.

We got there and I make my way through the crowd and there she was: this 50 year old lady, wrinkled, make-up running, teeth yellow and voice raspy. I fell apart. My mother so incredibly embarrassed dragged me away as I wailed "THAT'S NOT PIPPI, THAT'S SOME LADY!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, MOMMY, WHY??" I don't think I spoke to my mom for the rest of the day. I never watched Pippi again.

The moral is, the fuckery on Hollywood Blvd. ruins dreams. I am willing to start a petition to put an end to this ridiculousness. Or start a petition for them to get better character costumes and at the very least some decent look-a-likes.

Of course I only go to H&H 2 times a year, so I think I can stomach the trauma 2 of 365 days a year.

big news + vegas

i have big news.

and that's all im gonna say.

for now.

huge.

and vegas is starting tomorrow. sidestepping my horrendous connections through salt lake city, i can taste the drinks, the heat, the noisy machines and giggling girls. im awaiting catfights, potential MLA, and laying out by the pool with my big sunhat and my girl MaryAnne among others.

and dont forget my comped suite. ;)

hehe.

pix to follow.

big news not for a bit...some things need to shake out and mercury is in retrograde.

exit strategy

oh please, there's always a contest with an ex-, its called "who'll die miserable".."
- samantha, sex and the city, "easy come, easy go"

saw the movie. of course i did, you crazy? like i could miss it for the world. i brought sas and jenn with me to watch. we had italian food and wine, me saddled w/ food poisoning from a beverly hills cafe i had to drink seltzer and nurse my colon. so upset!

then we get to the theaters and its filled to the brim w/ queens and chatty kathy's. meh. only seats avail were in front. oh man, my neck, my back, my stomach. this isn't starting well...
movie begins and im SOOO excited. they're back-- mah girls. so big, so vibrant so MAYJAH.
i love this show, i love this movie more...that is..until...jennifer hudson.

people say i look like her. a lot of people. i dont really think so, but at least she's an oscar winner. girl can SANG but i am cuter and well proportioned.

oh, no, wait...her storyline? "she's from St. Louis." That's fine. Millions are..."and a web designer moving to the big city for work and for love" why did she leave STL? "Because her boyfriend told her she wasn't the one" And God said "HA". I'd been waiting for this movie, for nearly a year and on the two month anniversary of his abandonment, they drop a plotline in as if it were talking to me and me only. i let out an AUDIBLE sigh during this revelation which drew a few snickers. if they only knew why I was a sighing. why i was suddenly losing interest in this movie, looking at my watch - thinking about how i had a whole other hour to deal.

you didn't miss the joke - my ex is a web designer from St. Louis. meh. think what you want, i was upset. and guess what, i have been doing GREAT until that and then enter the waterworks. the movie itself was fab, a solid B-. things i would have added, i wont spoil here, but otherwise, the experience was ruined by irony and my uppity colon.

with that, i've given up smoking. the girls said i needneedNEED to start formally disassembling my feelings for him. i cannot do that at a drop of a hat, so ive started letting go of habits that have built up over time. more drinking, more smoking...

so i will go 4 days in between booze
and distance myself at least a month without cigs.

that's the only exit strategy i can think of at the moment.

old friends

darling, i remember when you first started at wma, and now look at you - imho, the only reason to watch this clip (OR THIS WHOLE SHOW FOR THAT MATTER) is to see how she gets to verbal pwnd heidi.

summer of wynter - a modern lady adventure

betcha thought i was gonna spend my summer like this? right?

WRONG.

Join THE OFFICIAL SUMMER OF WYNTER group.

The only support group where you dont rest on your laurels.
You dress them up in a tight jeans and shake them.