put your lighters up

some people go out of their way to make your life incredibly miserable.

just for the sake of hate. and they will try to destroy you and talk bad about you. manipulate situations to save themselves. they'll eat their own if it means they can maintain their agenda.

ive had so many haters in my life. i remember each and every one of them. there's felicia when i was 7, who dared attack me (and my mom) because of my name. i had to do battle with her at the richard simmons gym my mom was a member of. finally ,we came to blows and my mom was alerted in the middle of her cardio session that i had the girl with her face pinned to the wall and her arm twisted behind her back. when i was 12, there was aiesha, the ghettoslut from ingleside who called me a bitch, a sellout and whitewashed daily for two weeks while i rode home on the K in silence. 14 days in i finally got off the bus, followed her to the library and proceeded to whoop her ass. she never called me a bitch, or anything else again. when i was 14, there was ayana. she took every opportunity to mortify me for no good damn reason. she relented when i put a popsicle stick in her and she carried it with her for the better part of lunch and into the 4th period.

when i was 19, there was erica fontenot. she was of the short, squat squarebodied type. took every opportunity to insult my existence but pretended to be my best friend. when i went home with two of the hottest guys at our job @ niketown, she proceeded to tell them both I had an STD. (ed. : I DIDNT!) i still owe her a beatdown. there's the lesbian parents of one of my best friends who while an A student and an ace flutist, felt i was an incredibly bad influence because their daughter was hanging out late, dating black men and gaining an appreciation for Boyz II Men. My fault? No. The girl was a terror, I didn't even know half of the mischief she committed. 15 years later, I'm in the table of contents of the magazine I work for this week:
and she is laying in a crypt somewhere in Colma, Ca.

Murdered in a heroin bust gone bad.

Look at the picture. Its ME! That's ME!!!! and with a HOT DUDE at that.

so haters pump yo breaks...people know i dont like to hate on people who don't deserve it, my intentions are true and i am NOT, repeat, NOT malicious. I don't have time for that kind of karma. but look at what i've worked so hard for. its not just the magazine picture, that's actually not blowing my mind. its all the hard work and attempts as success I've busted my ass to achieve. Its the simple recognition in my strengths, capabilities and focus.

to every hater out there who called me names, who talked bad about me behind my back, who set up agendas to manipulate my downfall, who lied on me and made up stories, who tried to breakdown and destroy my faith: y'all can just kiss my ass.

love affair with "sex"

i am one of those people who needs to wait for the alpha version of things. i do not believe in trying things out in beta. that was the QA department is for. i didn't start watching Sex and the City until season 2. i remember it being SHOVED down our collective throats. newsweek, time, today show, EW, People, this is pre-internet folks...back when people handled paper and READ things in black and white with 256 colors. i became obsessed, 18 years old and so unlucky in everything at the time, i lived vicariously through them and wanted so badly to lead their lives, with those friends. who knew that 10 years later, i'm pretty much right there. (minus the $, but Carrie was a broke ass early on too) i've got a miranda, a samantha and a charlotte in my fold, in multiples even.

i got mono in 1998 - essentially a year long bout of i dont know what, the worst gap year any child could have. i spent days at a time in bed, reading books, eschewing television (shocker) and essentially limiting my activity to walking to the bathroom, to the car, to McDonalds and back. my action with men was limited, hadn't even been with a handful but i hated rejection, felt fat, unattractive and the biggest L7 on record. before you cough and assume that SATC saved me from the reject pile - it didn't, but it gently nudged me toward my own emotional and sexual revolution which in turn assisted in the development of my early adulthood.

i immediately deemed myself a carrie/miranda as I was optimistic about love but like Miranda, every time a man makes a move or opens his mouth he's talking sugar. Sweet, tasty, addictive - bad for you. but the CB optimism lets me fall for the good the bad and the ugly with careless abandon.

so...in honor of my favorite show on earth, the only one i still watch on repeats even though I own every season, the only show for which I've bought all the fan and table books, the only show that I have a board game for - the only show I am ok with having a movie version -here are things I've learned from SATC:

• look your best always, because of Carrie's unfortunate situation where she ended up on the cover of New York looking beat to shit, always stay prepared. you are your brand.
• a mr. big is great from time to time, but when you've got an Aidan, don't make him a Big. And if you do (like I did) expect him to bypass Big in arrogance and become a Berger. meh.
• studio apartments are cute! i wouldn't store sweaters in my stove but I put DVDs and Books in my kitchen cabinets. your home is you - decorate accordingly.
• when you move in or let a man move in with you...get a big enough apartment to fit your collective shit and dont have white furniture, in case you decide to pour coffee on him when he embarrassingly casts you out of a family outing. coffee grounds are hard to get out and take repeat washings.
• dont approach the ex-wife who is only the ex cause you were shtupping her man. even if you look hot shuttling down Lex in a newsprint mini dress.
• date your city. get to know it, find the nooks you like and cuddle there. don't begrudge its annoying tendencies, try to endear yourself to its idiosyncrasies - once you love your city, it'll love you back.
• love your friends, in good and in bad. be willing to tell them the truth, whole and nothing but and expect to hear it back. support them in their wins and losses, never judge or cause undue pressure.
• when you FALL down, flat on your face, even dressed to the nines with H. Klum about to trample you with her big German feet and former Mayor Koch following suit, get your ass RIGHT BACK UP, flash a smile and sashay up and down and off that runway.
• its ok to be obsessed with stuff - im obsessed with books, carrie is with shoes - if it makes you happy, can't be that bad...

i could go on.

most of SATC didn't sink in until my relationship started getting funky and finally ending. it makes alot of sense now and having this movie come out as i enter this next phase of life not only as a single grown ass woman but as a woman who has loved and lost love and now embarking on a more mature, successful and adventurous life filled with risk, tempation and challenges - i'm finding comfort in knowing ten years later, you can count on them to bring the LOLs and tears.

welcome back ladies.

party time. excellent.

tidbits from memorial day weekend...

its beyond last call, one sunset on sunset blvd.
sunday night before memorial day.
2 sheets to the wind...ok to drive, lets say 75% ok to drive. keep the seatbelt on, stay under 45.
trying to make it before last call to jon's bday party- what would have been the 8th event of the day.

me staring into empty bar: aw..is that it?
bouncer: yep. that's it. she left you.
me: wha?
bouncer: she left you ,she gone.
me: wha-what?
bouncer: you look like a strong confident woman.
me: IM NOT A LESBIAN!!
bouncer: (puzzled)
me: just because im wearing jeans and a sweater on a sunday night and approaching this club you think i'm a lesbian?
bouncer: Im sorry.
me: nothing to be SORRY about per se, even if I was. But I like men. Ok? If that's any of your business. I really love boys. ALOT.
bouncer: sorry ma'am.
me: AND IM NOT OLD...so don't give me the ma'am, I'm 28 years old.
bouncer: miss..
me: ok. (vision becomes slightly blurry) have a good night.

then i proceed to turn over in my shoe and nearly fall.

tip your waitress

but my hair looked AMAZING!


and I apologize if I misspell Thoryn's name, but he was a right bit hammered himself

they both were...we ALL WERE.

these DJs spun good shit

who KNEW Ocean Ave. got it crackin'

and hel-lo...

greg and i bonded over our mutual admiration for IRON MAN. the only person beside the other twos who kept me laughing hysterically was this guy. Mary Anne swears he's gay. I don't care, I dont want to kiss him!! I want to sit on the floor and build lego playhouses with him and talk about movies. newsflash: women can find men attractive and NOT want to have sex with them.



single and fabulous? o look you can see some of james' bitch wagon.

total bar rampages that night - 7
how many people did i run into - 15

there is a layer of fat that schwartz and i believe we have developed from drinking
"talk to your boy vince vaughn about that..."

oh yea and vince vaughn PLEASE stop following me.

maxim hot 100

had the pleasure of being invited this little soiree on the paramount pix lot...was last wednesday and after a jovial chat w/ mv director dave meyers and his lovely wife nicki, headed over and so it began, ran into probably 100 people, so much kissing and hugging and "lets have lunch, k?" (not to mention BBM's)that I am amazed I was up and at 'em very early the next day.

MLA scorecard

2

what?

it was a busy week.

;)