the scenario.

so...

im going through hypnotherapy. and its given me a heightened sense of awareness about myself. that's not entirely what the purpose is, you go in trying to rid yourself of one thing, leave ridding yourself of one less emotional crutch.

the smoking is an ongoing gradually declining situation...less drinking is a work in progress (note: i'm not a drunk, drunks dont know how they got home, what they said, what they were doing, they often blackout - no, i just dont like the frequency in which i'm drinking...that bugs) but what i'm most fascinated about is the fact that because of the sessions, its forced me to want things in my life, to be less complicated. less catastrophic. and it seems like the overall outlook that if i can keep things LEVEL, for instance - be OK with what I can and cannot change and focus on the bigger picture. i think the next part of this transition - is seeing the urgency and need for consistency in certain things and practicing restraint in other situations.

im on it. i feel so much more in tune with every freaking thing. my dr. her name is wanita holmes. she's pretty brilliant. she reminds me very much of a cross between my Dad's mom and my mom's grandmother.

"I've lived from sin to salvation" Her words, not mine. I loved that. I want to say that when I'm 81. I want to say that I've seen it, done it. i also want to have a legacy. she has a degree in "stop sweating the small shit"

hopefully this therapy makes a difference, cause i need something to believe in.

one caveat - she records our sessions on cassette tapes, who the eff has a cassette tape player anymore? she's lucky i dug one up. that shit is going the way of the dodo bird.

fashion vs neighbors

i got yelled at last night by the old british couple who live directly across from me for being loud.

here's the thing...im not some party-rager type. my apartment is the size of a shoebox, its totally sanctuary-ville. what might annoy others is the fact that i play music to drown THEM out. this insists on bickering loudly until they shut the door.

i was walking back w/ my hoodrat neighbor Holly. She borrowed my champagne glasses while she chilled with the vatos y ellas. She's more ghetto than I'll ever be. totally immersed in the gang culture, and from Manhattan Beach. that's right, rich girl passionate about the hood. we were laughing in my kitchen when i suddenly her a loud "SHHHH". but wait there's more, i get yelled at. and to top it off she calls me Autumn. not my name. i was a little hurt. im so nice to them, nicer than i would ever be to neighbors seeing as im not a fan of getting to know them on a deeper level other than "Hi" and "Bye" There is def a you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours mentality when you live in a neighborhood which I learned was owned by "TMC" that stands for The Magician's Club, a gang that is directly rivaled with 18th Street.

You see, I live in gangland which doesn't say much as they are all underground...apparently I am surrounded by the following:

* 18th Street Gang (Los Angeles)
* White Fence Gang (Los Angeles)
* TMC Gang (The Magicians Club) (Los Angeles)
* Valerio Gang (San Fernando Valley)
* Blyth Street Gang (Van Nuys)

Fun fact: they're called the "Magician's Club" because get this...they make people disappear.
(Read: If I don't blog ever again after this...call the authorities, hide my diaries and give my clothes to my sister)

she was incredibly snippy and said i was not considerate of the neighbors in the complex. BALDERDASH. im totally fucking considerate, so much that I mind my own business. the other thing, they are only here a few months out of the year. I think its time they stop doing this. First of all, they're like 80, living in a war zone. Just stay in London. Also, I'm sure to them, all young people are loud. We just are. And obnoxious. She's just annoyed I was listening to Hector Lavoe and Celia Cruz till 10 at night.

I've also decide that I'll let bygones be bygones and by that it means, I will in fact BECOME the bratty, obnoxious neighbor she so dares me to be and ignore her. if she blames her outburst on early onset Alzheimer's I'll just poo-poo that notion as its a lie.

She knew what she was doing - trying to flex the ol "I'm OLD and require speaking below whisper after 9"

blargh, i got over it pretty fast - its really easy to get over stuff if you try your best not to care TOO much.

epic disappointment

to no one in particular:

are men capable of anything but letting sleeping dogs lie? bygones be bygones? not sweating the small stuff?

if a man firmly believes in these ways of life, laws of living - its just showcases their inability to be sensitive to situations that generally upset women. sure they probably sidestep tons of life's soap operas, but it begs the adage "well-behaved women rarely make history."

now with the cover story of my company's competitor, screaming that SJP, a woman who's SUPPOSED to have it all, has been cheated on by none other than the loving, cuddly, waspy individual, matthew broderick. i guess a real man would allow her to have it all. a wimp wants it her perfect existence to show wear, to crumble, chip or smudge. like makeup and nails. well, after all, that's the most important thing to her anyway, right?

i am fed up with this wimpy behavior. its called insecurity fellas, plain and simple. and i know that a femme word for you all, and easily tossed about like it never applies to your sex, but you guys can be so. totally. fucking. insecure.

and the men who are willing to have a comment, to tell a woman how they really feel without hiding behind bravado, who are down to protect her and be on her side no matter what. take in account her feelings, give her constructive feedback and share in her joy and pain without feeling putupon?

they are few, far between.
but i would like to meet them.

i wish i could shake this persistent feeling of constant disappointment when it comes to the male species. i feel like every time a man opens his mouth, he's totally fucking lying.

stuff that rawks

pharrell, just before he began to sing "lapdance"
hardfest, shrine auditorium, 1:04 am
i dont care, he's just too damn sexy.


singing "she wants to move"
its sounds so much better live & everyone knew the words


w/ ryan & jessica (directly behind me) there was a lot of dancing involved.

"yo, ma, i went to art school."
same night, but earlier - i was an innocent bystander as my good buddy, josh b. earned his one way ticket to hell ...sarcasm reigns even at a fancy charity event I guess.
yet he rawks because he is hella funny and he's a vis efx artist, some of the most interesting people in the business are those way deep behind the scenes like this character.
be sure to ask him about Thailand.






my accessory du jour: CC SKYE cocktail ring
this bad boy looks good w/ pretty much everything.

best quotes of the weekend:

"you must understand, i have friends in every corner of the globe ringing me 24 hours a day, i have to do it."
- ryan s. on keeping his BB on silent.

"all he had to do was sit on a couch and laugh for 30 damn years? and he's broke? no i dont feel sorry for his ass"
- my mother on Ed McMahon

"y'all so rich, you dont have mosquitoes. as a matter of a fact, i saw one housefly and it had a british accent."
-cedric the entertainer referring to the palatial estate during the Hollyrod event.

saturday night live

hella shit to do this weekend, where i'll be:

private b-day party - malibu colony
hollyrod event - malibu
hardfest - shrine auditorium
glow - santa monica


thats just saturday.

xo