they say im bold, im bitchy, im brave.

what gets you down then lifts you up

2009-01-10T10:51:00.000-08:00

i guess its growth, i guess its the reality of mortality, i guess as i approach 30, i just realize that time keeps on slipping.

my history/english teacher from my GATE classes from my middle school passed away before Christmas. we just learned in the New Year.

Word passes from one to the next and the next and then it gets to you. You do what you will with the information and then you move on - or you stop and ponder for a long while like I have.

i found his obit online - and i was suddenly reminded that 15 years ago, when he was my teacher, in order to find something like this, i would have had to track down a paper and KNOW the exact day or go to the library and use the goddamned microfiche machine or ask the librarian to do a special search and sign this slip here and we'll have it in a couple days....

i immediately began crying - quite uncontrollably. i learned so much from him, i learned that i could do what i wanted to do, and encourage others the best way i saw fit. unorthodox teaching? this man lived, slept and breathed educating us. he went the extra mile and engaged us in ways no other teacher dared or cared to do. it was the only class i paid attention in, the only class i took seriously, the only place where i wanted to shine.

he tapped into my need to know, and he would take the subject further and further and explore every aspect of it until you were so filled with details, you could tell the story of Catherine the Great, or Nero and the fall of Rome or King Henry's female troubles as if you were sitting in the courtyard informing the townspeople. he was a masterful storyteller and even w/ the ADD addled mind i possess, he kept me rapt.

the crying was 2-fold. im reminded of a time when life was just simple and all i had to do was go to school but yet i was so concerned with everything else, boys, my body, acceptance. im sure if i spent more time focusing and less time on those things, i'd be the president of the united states, i will settle for being a social butterfly of Hollywood. the other part of the crying? is that we all have to go someday. one day someone will be reading my obit, hopefully a long and steady and interesting enough one - and they will be remembering my contributions and im hopeful i will make many more through my life...but if you can have the grace and the energy to give people so much of yourself, people you have no more responsibility for than what you can handle within those walls, just students filled with potential of varying kinds, and do that every day without having a shitty attitude - god bless you. cause that man was just like that.

i want to make a difference in this world, a positive change and give back to people. i want to help others and motivate people do well and live a good life. its what i do everyday.

plus i just want to be Oprah rich. I want to be so rich that I replace Oprah and they just call it Wynter rich.

But I'll take complete happiness and contentment before I become drunk with riches.

get paid to blog

2008-12-20T16:49:00.000-08:00

oh ok.

why not?

this was my fourth attempt at a blog. the first one earned me considerable recognition and the ones in between didn't really count and this one was because i wanted to talk about my relationship and the breakup. that almost feels a million years ago. just like thinking about the night we met feels like a kazillion years ago.

so here i am now taking on all sorts of new responsibilities job and life and otherwise. which means my life is about to totally effing change. and you want to see a girl who is about to take the world and this industry by storm? you're reading about her right now.

so now im getting some freelance work because of the blog and my work IRL, its a pretty big deal and its basically going to get open up a world i've tried to get into for a while.

the real honest true life of a writer. everything that comes with it. the passion, the hope, the wracking of the brain for ideas, the visions and notetaking, the preparation the focus and sleepless nights. the research, the parties, the swag, the trips to dig up sources and clues and ideas...all of it. bring it. BRING. IT.

cause if you haven 't heard, i have had a pretty interesting and challenged life. it wasn't be my parents sucked, or we had no money, or i lived in a bad neighborhood (none of those...) its because since the day i was born - my brain wanted to be 30 while my body and experience were lacking in support of that notion. im ready to be 29, i'm ready to be 30.

i'm also ready to be a mom and a wife and blah blah blah but FIRST i'm ready to proliferate my conciousness which is just plain maverick.

Noun
1.
maverick - someone who exhibits great independence in thought and action
rebel
recusant, nonconformist - someone who refuses to conform to established standards of conduct

yea that pretty much explains my purpose here. i want to bring it back to reality. i was a recessionista before CNN tried to coin the term, i was on Amy Winehouse's beehive and turquoise bra strap before she screamed BLAAAAAAKE for the first time, i was blogging in 2001 and got DOOCED for it before she coined DOOCE.

original gangster.

more to come....

And so it is...

2008-11-24T23:22:00.000-08:00

Just like you said it would be...

An email.

Facebook no less...

Dont really know what to say...

How do you respond?

Yes I'm great. Fine, even. Thank you.

I really am great, really am fine.

I'm happy. I'm content for now. Anxiety somewhat subsided.

There is less of it than there was before.

So how do I respond? And why haven't I yet.

Because the anxiety I felt when I knew it was the end...

which is strangely like when i knew it was the beginning of the end...

not really dissimilar than when i knew i was falling for him, and he for me...

is creeping up on my spine and makes the hairs of my neck stand up straight.

and...I dunno. I dont like that feeling allll that much.

3 out of 4 aint bad...

2008-10-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

best month on record and if obama wins, i will say that %75 of 2008 has EXCEEDED MY EXPECTATIONS.

what a year folks.

what a fucking year.

started with me attempting to salvage a mess of a relationship, get my foothold in this industry in which my knowledge is genius level and survive. just plain survival.

and look at what i have gained...its been so amazing. all the love, all the support, all the wealth.

i've earned more money this year than i ever have.
i've learned more about the woman i am to become.
i've fought off demons real and imaginary.
i've learned to accept who i am, and its non negotiable for others.

here i am about to trek back to chicago to cover the story in which i wrote and reporter and hustled dan rather style to put together. there is a reason my obsession with news as a baby was such, its my lifeblood. i love to be informed and to inform others.

since my blog is mostly about life love and sex, i'd say that love will come and it will be great again and i will totally welcome the right one in...but for now, the rest? is awesome.

lets hear it for the boy...

2008-10-18T15:35:00.001-07:00

a few things about the guy i just started dating: we met cute at the binary party a few weeks ago.
he wears glasses and is blind as a bat w/o them. he hasn't traveled much, and suggested we go to NY together. hes funny and has a sharp wit and can sense my hesitation. "Am I am too young for you?" he asked while we walked arm in arm to the party from my apartment. "Ummm...I dont know yet. I just dont know." He reminds me of someone I used to know. The COT knows what I mean.

But his DJ schedule is a thorn in my side, he is more excited about molesting his Technics than me! I am jealous of two turntables and crowds of aimless 20somethings. i feel too old attending one of his gigs, what with their multicolored flyers and crazy fonts and cover charges. his myspace page looks like my car after a night at the Vanguard. Obvi, he fits my criteria for consideration; cute, weird and smart.

"what kind of mood are you in?" he asked after i was curt and brief in our IM exchange.

HA. i bristled at the insinuation i was in any kind of mood other than WONDERFUL.

"i just saw jay-z last night, my outfit was amazing, I danced my heart out, I am AWESOME"

"Great, that's fun -but i'm just getting a weird vibe from you"

OVER Instant Messenger? Aw hell...well...I've never been considered subtle.

Its just, I'm used to things moving so fast and now that I'm dating someone who moves pretty slow "Like an old man..." he claims...I dont know what to do with myself. So my first mode is to, pump the brakes, screech everything to a halt til I get an answer that satisfies me. This is the "stuff" you know, this is how you learn who you are in a relationship and who you are as a person seeking a relationship.

Oh ME, haven't I learned anything!!? They dont like that, they dont like being pressured or forced into anything. Who's forcing? They also don't like being asked questions directly, and looked in the eye and admitting when they are wrong. They also don't like being compared...

"And would you mind please not comparing me to your ex, I'm completely sure we are two different people, I'm actually positive we are nothing alike at all. K?"

My word. Melt a girl's heart why dont you...

"And trust me, I'm not OVER invested...yet."

Hisssscratch! He's a straight shooter which is something I appreciate.

He's also a DJ who smokes loose tobacco in hand rolled cigs and he wears skateboarding shoes but doesn't skateboard and lives in the deep Valley and LOVES it and doesn't like getting TOO crazy (and that would mean more than 3 drinks in one night) of course he also is obsessed with dance music and politics and sees right through my bullshit.He without doubt, does not let me act stupid for the sake of getting attention.

We are going to see "W" Monday or Tuesday and have dinner after that.

If it lasts 90 days, it will be incredibly fun no doubt.

As for insta-date, well, we are essentially "dating" because he wont stop calling and begging to take me out on a proper date, but I dont think he will make it past the threshold of real dating until he stops A) calling me and watching tv at the same time and B) stops saying I am making him "work" for it. He needs to be quiet.

different songs, same difference

2008-10-14T13:37:00.000-07:00

avoid perverts

2008-10-06T17:52:00.000-07:00

at all costs, they won't let you sleep and they won't take no for an answer.

i found this out the hard way about 2 weeks...don't let it happen to you.

its not fun, or funny. its wrong.

oh by the way...he told all his friends about it. that's not funny either.

grow up.

usually i'd be ok with the chatter, but something changed this summer - besides the blog which only a few people know how to access, i'm going to tone down my mouth. i'm not saying im a gossip, i just LOVE talking. especially about myself. and LOOOOOVE having an opinion, ESPECIALLY about others.

so the first time i keep it on the DL about someone, cause i didn't know how to feel about him, I've never dealt with someone having such a perversion, that i just kept it quiet.

quite honestly, i felt sort of violated?

but i wouldn't because he'd recognize that and then back off, for like 30 seconds...

no no no, its not allowed, no more.

im young enough to do it, but too old for it.

insta-date

2008-10-06T17:21:00.000-07:00

had an insta-date on saturday.

an insta-date is when you are minding your business then a guy (or girl, for these purposes, a guy) approaches you and starts with the "business". "Hey there, you should give me your number" Ugh. Then you decide to do a date right then and there, whether its coffee or dinner or a bagel. from there its consummated or NOT because you want to see them again or NOT because its not gonna go anywhere AND you are not attracted to them.

dont know about you, but i generally give him the hand and move on - but this time i lingered because he literally went from bravado to shy in the span of 2 minutes. his game went to lame in under 120 seconds...he was intimidated! ugh I'm a bitch!

it was sad, cause maybe he's THE ONE and what am I doing! then he made a joke - so cute - a little joke about the fact that a nerd was blasting Vaudevillian muzak out of his beat up Honda. The guy says "I thought the Little Rascals were gonna come running after him"

That was cute, you must admit.

Well that was the extent of his charm as I later discovered. I invited him over for a glass of wine since he was funny and complimentary and I thought I could tolerate him for a minimum of 2-3 dates. I was feeling particularly adventurous, why not.

What does he do? Fucks it up within minutes...he ends up bringing over a comedy tape and proceeds to hi-jack my television with some of the most unfunny comedy I've seen in recent time. It was painful - and he was cackling for days.

Here's where he went wrong - can you spot it? He brought over a VIDEO on our insta-date. You're joking right - it not like we have been dating for a year now and shit is stale and the only thing to kind of hold our attention is watching this shit. I cannot really be watching you watch television right now...this is your life, this is that big moment - if I'm as pretty and smart and independent and funny and this is what you crave, need and desire cause you can't find it in LA, then I can't possibly have done anything to be less interesting in the time from come over to you arriving with a tape. Being nice I let him control the DVD for an hour - then I turned it off, but guess what, BEERFEST was on. Oh shit, Beerfest is on...kill power, KILL POWER. So he HAD to watch the tailend of Beerfest -this ends now- so I finished the night just like this...

W: Oh look at the time...
ID: Oh no! Hold on, I love this part...
W: I do too...so much that I'll pause it while I walk you out.

He grabbed his keys and wallet and we had an awkward hug - he drank most of my 2-buck chuck.

He texted me the next night at about 11 - "Hi" I responded "Hey, going to bed, have a great night" Then I shut off my phone. I awoke to this:

>:(

Holy shit, I know how to pick 'em.

That's the end of that.

i figure ive got one year...

2008-10-01T23:22:00.000-07:00

...to do something big and wild before i can't be involved in the youngest people to do....whatever...under 30. then its a crap shoot and you either soar or suck. yes i admire my friends success. i have many friends who have reaped a lot of success. i appreciate their emotional support. i feel like perpetual little sister but that has propelled me to accept my fate. 29 is like RIGHT THERE. jesuchristo.

so...i guess i need to throw myself into something (my writing) - and get really passionate about (being a writer) it. take it (writing) somewhat more seriously than say what i consider serious now. my current passion, can i really get on another plane and go to mexico again at the urging of one of my best bestie's. i can be an insufferable brat and oh the grief that i give him (albeit with love!) he more than deserves 10 days away. i'm opting against. that's not realistic!

im focused on this election, the future and sarah palin, i'll be laughing hysterically at her shameless fall tomorrow. wow - is this really gonna happen. she's going to get blown out. we didn't fall for it! - my mom is protesting this over the phone to me when i call her to rehash the day's events. with mercury falling out of retrograde things are going back to normal? so she continues on about the collective "we" being the young people. she has faith in us, those under 30 to do the right thing. vote and be aware of the issues and what we are up against.

so sarah palin went through the slidng door of life and got the oliver stone version of "to die for". its what this whole situation surrounding her reminds me of - its the 80s. she has the boyfriend who suffered through all her magical whims and attempts at power and stardom - he loved her madly and got her pregnant as soon as he could. then she moves from multi-college graduate to pageant winner to sportscaster to super hockey mom to governor and now vice president? how dare we judge her and her life. her pregnant daughter and effably dorky babydaddy. the manicured pantsuits, the banana clip. we're making her nervous - shipping her off to big cities and making her pronounce countries and names only her dreams could conjur.
this lady is the american dream.

she's also the world's nightmare. what have we become. its my favorite chris rock quote: "are we that stupid america, that we'd fall for a trickless magician?!"

we did it before.

i ask you...

dont vote for this lady or that man.

we are already in a world of hurt. trying to live your best life should not be this difficult and our parents bore the brunt...

anyway...i have to tie it together - so i am focusing on making even MORE changes in my life - and that includes navigating my career into a narrow focus - success in my eyeline. really.
and as always honing my health. starting with the elimination of cigarettes. i just did it. third try, i think the charm. and just staying cuffless. to be perfectly honest.

Summer was fun but i think Fall is way more hawt.

:)

what did you do today?

2008-09-20T23:33:00.000-07:00

me?

Interviewed legends like Mary Tyler Moore, Don Rickles & Betty fucking White.

Interviewed future legends like Julia Louis Dreyfus, Kathy Griffin, Ricky Gervais and NPH!!!

and some lady...whats her name...

oh.

OPRAH

yea...not a whole lot.

you?

and by the way...that completes the SUMMER OF WYNTER.

may all your breakups result in a personal journey to rawk them ALL.

dont cry.

dont yell.

dont scream.

dont call!

dont answer!

dont sleepsleepsleep

dont eateateat

dont hate.

dont feel sorry for yourself.

LOVE YOURSELF.

throw yourself into your work

throw yourself into your spirit

throw yourself into the sadness

then shake it off and get back to what's important.

you.

love lockdown

2008-09-15T11:12:00.000-07:00

I got some bad news this morning
Which in turn made my day
When this someone spoke I listened
All of a sudden, has less and less to say
Ohhhhhh how could this be?
All this time, I've lived vicariously
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
How will my story ever be tollllld now?
How will my story be tollllld now?

Made me feel like somebody
Hmmm, like somebody else
Although he was imitated often
It felt like I was bein myself
Is it a shame that someone else's song
Was totally and completely dependant on
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
I wonder if I'll live to grow old now
Gettin high cause I feel so lowwwww down

And maybe it's a little selfish
All I have is the memory
Yet I never stopped to wonder-ahhhhh
Was it possible you were hurtin worse than me
Still my hunger turns to greeeeed
Cause what about what I neeeeeed?!
And OHHHH~! Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Ohhhh I know I'm out of control now
Oooh-oooh, tired enough to lay my own soul down

a: that.

2008-09-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

q: what don't Homey play?

short and sweet.

i've been trying to start a business, and it was going really well until i started to think that i couldn't trust the person in which i was starting it with. i heard whispers, but ignored them because i thought people were being mean spirited. then things just started tumbling out that made me realize this girl is nuttier than a fruit cake sale on cell block A.

so i've ended my relationship with this person - cut and dry. it was difficult for me to get to this point - but i think about how i want my life to go and whom i wanted to be associated with. i want to be percieved as a creative person who may not have a business degree but i have a nose for it. and when i smell a rat, you get out of there by any means necessary like Malcolm.

i had to. and i dont like severing relationships. i also dont like to hear that my business partner is a scheming manipulative social climber. i dont want to live in an episode of Gossip Girl.

i dont like this girl - what i knew of her I did like, but there was too much noise and not enough defense from her end. i dont want the association with her. she is toxic and dangerous. i had to LEARN this slowly and even when i tried to approach it from a professional and mild stance, she jumped bad and put her thug on display.

the moral is, do not start or plan a business with someone you know very little about, or talks a good game. also, if they've had 5 jobs in one year...that deserves mad SIDE-EYE, son.
i want to use my mind and connections to move forward and my goal is to bring my friends with me. except this broad.

i've made my way out of this w/ minimal loss and incredible gain. i've lowered the toxic douchebag levels in my environment...and that's a good thing.

me and mcdonald's are over.

2008-09-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

that goes for the BK lounge as well.

i ordered from rainforest pizza the other day, the first time in a while. small pizza and greek salad. the guy gets to my door and its the same douche who delivers ALL the time.

he's always WAY too excited to see me and lingers way too long...

this time, he asked... "what happened to your boyfriend??"

i literally groaned and rolled my eyes....

"um we broke up..." hands him 20 and I start to leave...

"really??? man, you were such a cute couple..."

"well, things happen. ok thanks!"

"yea...he seemed like a good guy and you're a good woman...it was always nice to see you two"

meaning, its not that nice to see you single, as one whole person, alone paying for your own pizza out of your own pocket.

"well maybe one day you will see him again...

"oh that's so sad, i'm heartbroken"

REALLY?
...
REALLY?

no, I WAS HEARTBROKEN. YOU just deliver my pizza and offer unsolicited commentary for 5 minutes. listen, i'm not a heartless bitch, small talk is one thing, delving into my wounds when i've managed to bandage, heal and lighten them is another.

just because i blog about it doesn't mean the pizza guy gets to be all up in my shit, so i kindly told him

"listen, thanks so much for your concern, but i'm watching the convention, its live, so have a good night!"

and with that, i will never order from rainforest pizza again. or any other restaurant delivery service in my neighborhood that harbors an obsession with my ex.

(warning: DONT let that sweet face fool you. he packs a mean right hook when tipsy and tested on Hypnotiq. But who am I fooling, so do I....)

the end.

dnc recap is late

2008-09-02T23:00:00.000-07:00

im sorry.

it is tiring to be a democrat. gotta work a lot harder than republicunts.

before the week is out. promise.

meanwhile, r. smith and i liveblogged 90210. one complaint so far: NEEDS MORE BRENDA.

Bristol Palin: I dont know if I like this new 90210. Why does the black guy have to be adopted? Is it too much for the american palate to have ONE black family. Really?
Wynter for Senate: Remember, vivica fox lasted one episode out of 300..that whole episode was about how she kept escaping to comptoon. it was a lot of 90017 in that episode.
Bristol Palin: But this is 90210 in 2008. I could live in 90210 if I wanted to, and I'm black AND foreign
Bristol Palin: It can happen
Bristol Palin: It's not just a distant dream anymore
Bristol Palin: And they should be ashamed of themselves for putting Vivica up in that show
Wynter for Senate: Hahahahahahaha
Wynter for Senate: Hahahahaha
Wynter for Senate: This is when she was really cute tho
Wynter for Senate: Like early 90s
Wynter for Senate: Not when she looked bent out of shape
Wynter for Senate: I don't hate it so far
Wynter for Senate: I'm pacing myself
Wynter for Senate: The first couple eps of original 90210 sucked
Bristol Palin: I think this is as far as I'll go
Bristol Palin: Maybe I was different when I was younger, but this feels like such a girls' show
Wynter for Senate: its totally girly
Wynter for Senate: Its gossip girl west
Bristol Palin: Yeah, exactly
Bristol Palin: Which explains why u've never completed a full episode of GG
Bristol Palin: I've*
Wynter for Senate: GG is good!!!!
Bristol Palin: This will do well. But I'm to old, black and male for it
Wynter for Senate: For sure
Wynter for Senate: I'm too old for it
Wynter for Senate: 90210 was kitschy
Bristol Palin: Yeah, the original was a tad more aspirational. Like a Dynasty for kids
Wynter for Senate: And can they stop playing
Wynter for Senate: Neyo
Wynter for Senate: Chris brown
Wynter for Senate: Killers
Wynter for Senate: Mgmt
Wynter for Senate: God its like shows for ages 13-21 have a soundtrack
Bristol Palin: And they're trying too hard with the soundtrack. I can almost envision the "tastemakers" they brought in to supervise
Wynter for Senate: Jinx!!!!!
Bristol Palin: Oh wow
Bristol Palin: Same thoughts
Bristol Palin: Ting Tings
Wynter for Senate: See!!!! Great minds....
Wynter for Senate: Like stop!!!
Bristol Palin: So contrived
Wynter for Senate: Exactly
Wynter for Senate: BJs, Penis and vagina in one hour - sounds like 10th grade.
Wynter for Senate: How adult
Bristol Palin: And when all else fails, bring in Akon and his Shaka Zulu looking ass
Wynter for Senate: Hahahahhaahaa
Bristol Palin: This is why they didn't release review copies
Wynter for Senate: Don't they care when ppl start NOT watching
Wynter for Senate: No they don't cuz they suck
Bristol Palin: Yeah, they suck. And this will do well
Bristol Palin: The critics don't need to be a part of this equation
Wynter for Senate: What is it 1993
Wynter for Senate: A jim carrey movie
Wynter for Senate: And he's acting silly
Wynter for Senate: And slapping ppl
Wynter for Senate: And making funny faces
Wynter for Senate: And nkotb album dropped today
Wynter for Senate: I'm 13 again
Bristol Palin: Lol
Bristol Palin: Tonight is the moment I've realized (and accepted) that I don't relate to youth-aimed pop culture anymore. I have personally jumped the shark. I'm the demographic they aim for on Meet the Press now
Wynter for Senate: No no no
Wynter for Senate: Don't give up hope
Wynter for Senate: We are at the point where cnn is more necessary food for thought than mtv
Wynter for Senate: This does make me feel like an adult
Wynter for Senate: Knowing kids had to watch reruns to catch up with this!
Wynter for Senate: Reruns on soapnet!
Bristol Palin: Lol
Wynter for Senate: Why the fuck is cory kennedy on this show?
Bristol Palin: I'm kind of done now
Bristol Palin: I'm hungry
Bristol Palin: And this is not feeding my soul
Bristol Palin: Lol

amazing race

2008-08-25T23:38:00.000-07:00

= me for the next 3 days.

:: my dnc blog ::

dear ben affleck

2008-08-25T00:28:00.001-07:00

me: excuse me, ben affleck?
ba: yes, beautiful girl. your hair looks so pretty. how can i help you?
me: you are like my dream guy. minus the whole obnoxious phase with j.lo but i forgave you for that because honestly, if i dated j.lo. im guessing i would have acted the same way. i don
ba: go on
me: i mean, i love that you are bilingual, and a reader and a gamer and you like to gamble but you tinker with cars and motorcycles but you are SO focused on politics then you've got that wife of yours but also you are hot and i've loved you since i was 14...anyways...
ba: aren't you cute...
me: me? pshaa...you're the cute one. its so loud here! can we go somewhere intimate, other than invesco field...jen wont mind will she?
ba: who?
me: exactly.
ba: i want to steal away with you and shirk this whole hollywood lifestyle
me: oh no..dont say that! you wouldn't!
ba: baby, i would. i'll take you to my island-
me: you have an island!!?
ba: shutup
me: ok
ba: take you to my island and let you and the kids eat mangos shoeless while i move pork bellies
me: mangos? why mangos?
ba: this is your fantasy. im sensing you'd like a segway too?
me: well yea. and that pink diamond you gave j.lo? but in a pendant
ba: let me get my blackberry...i need to take notes
me: id like a green home on the baltic sea and one on star island
ba: fine.
me: thats it.
ba: pink diamond, green homes, segway
me: MANGOS
ba: mangos...got it.
me: this was easier than i thought ben affleck.

what is: what i imagine will happen when i finally meet ben affleck.

possibly this week.

cause im going to the convention

there will be photos.

never can say goodbye

2008-08-20T10:36:00.000-07:00

every once in a while i get misty blue over the demise of my relationship. i have a tendency to jump into a shame spiral and then i conciously grab my "self" from the ride and focus on what i've won over this summer. see, i never thought i'd fall in love. seemed beyond impossible that someone would want to be with me and treat me like a woman. show me how first love for two people is so intimate, unyielding and magical. there were moments where i wanted it to be like the way it was, forever. i felt empowered, more feminine, i felt incredibly loved. he was the first man i could completely trust to have my heart. immediately after the breakup i tried not to show too much bravado. i didn't want to display a false sense of bravery. a break up means your are broken, pieces of your irreplaceable but, they make more. i have to take a beat and thank him; im a stronger woman today than i ever thought i could be. if he claims i made him into a man, i can say without blinking, he made me in to a woman.

from last month's O Magazine -
"Mourning teaches us how to accept the end of love and helps us start the process of feeling whole again. True, the self you get back is never quite the same as the self you relinquished to your relationship; although wounds can heal, they leave scar tissue. But there's more to gain than just surviving the breakup; there's also the possibility of becoming more than you were, more able to undertake the experience of love in its moments of sadness as well as joy. As with any art or skill, the only way grieving can be learned is through practice -- whether we like it or not."

there's not one day that goes by that I dont think about that part of my life. deep impact. i was cleaning my kitchen and picture upon picture came tumbling out of a cabinet of "us". there's the pic from hawaii where we walked the shore just past midnight. sure, we look happy, content. that picture didn't know that just a week later we'd begin a hellish 6 months of unraveling what we'd become. photobooth photos. where there was a photo booth, we were immortalized and immortal. me always sitting on his lap, him pressing his head against my cheek, shoulder or chest, dazed, confused, in awe. my smiles - big wide and proud. we have pictures of us on vacation, hiking, kissing, laughing. pictures of us drunk, stumbling around, grasping towards each other. theres videos of us in mexico celebrating the New Year wildstyle, us in hawaii chasing after roosters, talking to strangers while lounging in the surf. hiking up in Santa Barbara, staring at deer, me on the back of his motorcycle going where ever he would take me. the photos, you line them up, one by one, organized by date. when you get to the end...that's what it looks like: the end.

everyone of those stupid cliches i held onto from the time i was a child, came about naturally in the course of us being together...the cooing, the sickening affection, the emotion, the arguments, the pain...we just did the whole 360. neither one of us wanted to do it again. i grew up in a family where you don't divorce, you dont' leave, you endure. i wouldn't want him to endure for me, and vice versa unless we both really wanted to. i had to step out of myself and realize, sometimes you dont need to win all the races.

i miss my friend.

i will never not miss my friend. no one will ever be able to replace that loss. many can try, surely many will. i've had my fun this summer, this blog testifies to that. but one always gets nervous when they desire love and affection. can it happen again? will it? should i lock myself in a fortress and pretend it doesn't exist? become queenbaby and eschew efforts to find it, receive it...

im not obsessive, but then i go - does he think about me? does he blame me for much? was it inconsequential? a girl could go crazy thinking these thoughts day in and day out.

which is why i try to limit that thinking and focus on what's gained. a new sense of self. if i want to be the great wife, the desired companion, the madonna AND the whore...i need to focus on being the best at being with just me.

sports

2008-08-17T13:14:00.000-07:00

"u miss me (?)"

thats what the text said. this coming from the MLA. lets give him a nickname, mr. spitz-coppola.

do i miss him? hmm...what a loaded question. do i miss you?

heres what i know i miss for sure:
i miss my mom and dad and little sister.
i miss my friends in the Bay.
i miss that amazing crispy chicken thai salad they used to have in downtown SF
i miss my childhood bedroom with all the yellow frills and toys and 4 post bed
i miss my grandmothers and great grandmothers
i miss my super nintendo and sega genesis
i miss single casette tapes
i miss the way my ex would be silly with me and then we'd snuggle on the couch and watch crime shows

do i miss him? not really.

i didn't know how to respond, he wasn't asking me if i missed our long walks, or holding hands over dinner or reminiscing about summers in tuscany. he's asking me if i missed doing it and doing it and doing it well with him, ok. i'm a lady. i dont respond to stuff like that unless we've already gotten past the honeymoon phase. so the responding text was "i can show you better than i can tell you."
its sexual volley. i will never let him think for two seconds that i'm dying inside when he's not around. i will never massage his ego because lets face it, he's incredibly hot and sexy and im not the only girl he's giving textlove to. i dont care, thats freedom!

i dont know him well enough to miss him. and i partially dont want to know him that well. the night after our latest rendezvous, i watched him walk away, one of my favorite things to do, and i didn't feel that ache you feel when someone is leaving that you really want. i hated to see my ex go, i hated to leave him in bed when i went to work. his cute freckles always beckoned me back to bed, his hugs sending me on my way.

yet this is why mr. spitz-coppola is incredible. i dont have to get to know him to the point where i'll be sad when he leaves, or when he doesn't call me or when he says something stupid. i haven't given him the opportunity to be an idiot, and he has expectations for my crazy. the ex told him about our spectacular brawls so he's waiting for the pin to fall out of the grenade. i wont give him that satisfaction. he has an unfair advantage already. but what if i decided to get to know him? i can't make a decision because its not at the forefront of my mind - work, bills, my poor car, dodging arguments, my health...he's in there, somewhere.

i dont want this forever. i see myself marrying, and making a family. cross my fingers before 35. even not working for a couple years to do that well. i can't imagine even being satisfied with the status quo come time for the holidays. but for now, its serves a purpose: pure ecstasy. i am entertaining the idea of dating more and have been chatting w/ a couple of suitors...nothing remotely serious. but i dont have enough time w/ my social calendar. in the next 2 months alone i'm going to Denver for the convention, Mexico w/ my girl Massi, New York to see my new besties and old besties and probably Hawaii. Well Im encouraging Hawaii.

i mean, you all know, i like him. i like his body. alot. besides his ultra dramatic george clooney/chuck bass sneer and the way he gazes at me, and laughs to himself when i say something smart ass. i can't forget that he was the annoying guy that lived below me and the ex. that he was this guy who was just totally full of himself and sooooo talkative, more than i am!

when i ran into the ex about a month ago, it was at the front of my mind that i was hooking up with the neighbor and i sputtered out like an idiot "DONT READ MY BLOG". he played coy, what blog? i knew he'd read it. but like i said before, i dont think i can feel bad about what i do and write on here. we all make choices...his decision was to leave and cast me way to the left. he's still making good on that decision. if i had to forcefully determine the next step in my life, i would never have predicted it would be screwing the neighbor. i think i like the fact that he was my neighbor more than anything.

no no no...

i think its his massive....ego. his abs. his biceps. my girlfriends say that he is the polar opposite of what im usually attracted to. i just think he's mannish. my ex was not. my ex was like a little boy, this guy is like rambo. i can't post his foto, or link to his imdb profile, he looks like an irish/italian version of matthew mcconaughey. best way to describe him. same body type, same chisled features, big curly hair. i will commit one blow to his ego and thats all ill allow...we like each other, i dont want to damage the man.

ok.

he's a terrible kisser. ive tried to teach him but it comes across like that scene on SATC when Charlotte dates the guy who kisses like a dog. Its like that. I know I have big lips and he unfortch has none, but he tries to eat my face and his beard rubs on my face and then i have to go to my happy place so i dont focus on how much lip gloss and tea tree oil i'll need to heal the layer of skin he's removed from my mouth and cheeks. I kinda hate that. plus i hate how he always has to dip me like he's cary grant. then he picks me up and drops me to the nearest cushion, like he's rhett butler. ( wait, kudos for being able to pick me up and toss me anywhere.) i also hate that he's worn the same outfit twice in a row. and i hate that his shirt says "future millionaire". but guess what, i dont have to focus on his fashion missteps and dramatics...Is that unforgivable?

pretty hate machine

2008-08-17T12:33:00.000-07:00

what happens in vegas stays (forcefully) in vegas. i like to think I'm the kind of girl who can rough it when necessary, but this last trip to Vegas has proven that while I tow the line between modern girl of spoils and struggling wannabe, I have to make a decision about which way its gonna go. f'reals. I'm either the Eliza Doolittle/Shug Avery/Holly Golightly for the brown girl set or I's isn't.

See: I left the driving to Greyhound and that was a MISTAKE. The lowest of the low, scummiest of the scummy. I'm not even for a little bit the kind of girl who looks down at people with her nose way high up in the air. Even w/ my job being what it is and the awesomeness associated with it, what I get exposed to, blahblablah, I never let myself forget that when I go home, I put my pants on, one leg at a time, and DONT make gold records. i dont care how much you schmooze, and get hooked up...or how many celebs you drink the night away in close company of, i have to manage this lifestyle on MY salary. and that aint much.

I was literally shaking as I left the yard watching my car through the nasty window. I checked my neck every 1/2 hour, fearing some vagrant would go for the jugular. I was approached by a homeboy who pledged that his 9to5 as the Vons lead bagger was not paying enough and he'll be in Vegas to Monday at the Best Western if I wanted to stop by for a drink. Yeaaaa....no. Flying is a hassle for me, I'm a spoiled airline brat and w/o my Daddy's benefits I'm useless. Unfortch, LAX to LAS is not a priority for Delta and therefore, no flight really fit my schedule. I took control of the stench with incense and stink eyed every single person boarding. my bag of nickels never leaving my side. (note: a bag of nickels will knock out a potential rapist, aggressive beggar, and terrorist, amongst other things)

Cut to Sunday, my return to the bus station for the ride back to LA, lets just say...there was an altercation of some sort and I am now banned from the Greyhound station as well. (Previously, I was banned from the Wynn for "alleged" buffet theft) The foghorn leghorn sheriff reminded me, without looking me in the eye, (a clear sign of "Jesus christ, I love/hate this fucking job so much but this is what I do and then I punch my wife later-itis" ) said "This is the wild west, and this is how it goes.." WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT STATEMENT IS THAT. If I go to customer service and walk away unhappy, in the real world in 2008, i can write a letter and get my money back. THERE i end up arguing with 4 to 5 ignorant ass people simultaneously. If there was an Olympic sport in verbal jousting I would have disappointed my country. I couldn't and would not compete with this ghettorazzi swarming around me as I dont know anything about living below the poverty line. They won, un-fair and un-square. Fine. The benefit is I dont work there, I dont HAVE to take Greyhound and ultimately I dont need to associate myself with that kind of drama anymore. Growing up I was pulled out of school every other friday to jaunt somewhere for a shopping trip in some major city around the US, taking the Greyhound was my way of relaxing instead of being on a plane. WRONG. Just file that under "dont do that shit ever again"

Meanwhile, there's so much NOT to tell we all know how Vegas is, its just pure fun. a lot of laughter, lots of dancing, pole swinging, wave pooling, party buckets, candy, room service, ogling, boob flashing, debauched recanting of hilariously vile tales.

we acted like fools, kids in a candy store. we rawked it, we got pissy, ate crap, worked on our collective alcoholism, spent $ we didn't have or need to, (i) gave the hand to bouncers, ghetto ass bus employees and sleep was scattered in there. each night the need for sleep became more dire, each night i grew crankier and crankier...nightly i reviewed the movie "very bad things" in my mind, OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

you know the deal, wyn doesn't skim on the lavish when she can swing it...suite was phat, dinner at Koi for the birthday boy and lap dances for EVERYONE! club, afterparty, booty bouncin' on stripper poles, poolside at various casinos, i made new best friends...no, not the strippers...

what does escape me about about Vegas now that I've been twice in a summer: how the hell did Tupac die on a fight night? I sneak a danish from the buffet, I'm banned from the Wynn - he gets in a riotously explosive brawl with several negroes and is shot on LV blvd and nobody saw a damn thing. that is rigoddamndiculous.

where is ja rule to make sense of all this?

ethical?

2008-08-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

if the guy at the sprint store is in love with me and lets me know that everytime i come in, showing it by...lets say...pushing me to the front of the line, giving me a 1G of memory for my blackberry, encouraging everyone to help me expeditiously and saying he'd like to steal away to the parking lot and kiss me...should i blatantly ignore the fact that a love affair between us will NEVER happen, like...ever, and encourage him to use his "magic" to get me out of my contract so that I can get on the $99 anytime plan by suggesting something could?

or just pay the $200 contract bitch out fee and kindly tell him "this just. wont. ever. happen?"

previously on "wynter..."

2008-08-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

as quiet as i tried to keep the past weekend - little things here and there popped up that destroyed my pursuit of a calm before the storm (Vegas).

going to vegas again...of course i had to. but this time its for james' bday and we're gonna have the best time i'm just sure of it. there's a crap load of folks attending, should be spectacular i expect nothing less...

hung out w/ schwartz and boy do i love her. she is seriously like my big sister. its so important to have good friends and i have a core group - but this girl gets me and understands my struggle. i support her at every turn cause she's my girl. this weekend was no exception-we spent sunday afternoon drinking and looking at the ocean and dancing to good music and meeting people.

friday night, i stayed in before being forced (or willing conjured) to head out and meet up with my friend jordan and his gf destiny. cute kids. his apartment is phat and he introduced me to my new favorite viral "unforgivable."

sat night, against my will i had a pre-dawn MLA. i know, i know...but listen i know the rules...the best part about the whole situation is when you know the score, nothing really changes. that is unless feelings get involved. but as i watched him walk away with the sun rising - what i knew for sure - he is NEVER going to be the father of my children, or put a ring on my finger. what he can do, and what he's proven in his skill- is that he can shift my focus...really well.

the scenario.

2008-07-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

so...

im going through hypnotherapy. and its given me a heightened sense of awareness about myself. that's not entirely what the purpose is, you go in trying to rid yourself of one thing, leave ridding yourself of one less emotional crutch.

the smoking is an ongoing gradually declining situation...less drinking is a work in progress (note: i'm not a drunk, drunks dont know how they got home, what they said, what they were doing, they often blackout - no, i just dont like the frequency in which i'm drinking...that bugs) but what i'm most fascinated about is the fact that because of the sessions, its forced me to want things in my life, to be less complicated. less catastrophic. and it seems like the overall outlook that if i can keep things LEVEL, for instance - be OK with what I can and cannot change and focus on the bigger picture. i think the next part of this transition - is seeing the urgency and need for consistency in certain things and practicing restraint in other situations.

im on it. i feel so much more in tune with every freaking thing. my dr. her name is wanita holmes. she's pretty brilliant. she reminds me very much of a cross between my Dad's mom and my mom's grandmother.

"I've lived from sin to salvation" Her words, not mine. I loved that. I want to say that when I'm 81. I want to say that I've seen it, done it. i also want to have a legacy. she has a degree in "stop sweating the small shit"

hopefully this therapy makes a difference, cause i need something to believe in.

one caveat - she records our sessions on cassette tapes, who the eff has a cassette tape player anymore? she's lucky i dug one up. that shit is going the way of the dodo bird.

fashion vs neighbors

2008-07-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

i got yelled at last night by the old british couple who live directly across from me for being loud.

here's the thing...im not some party-rager type. my apartment is the size of a shoebox, its totally sanctuary-ville. what might annoy others is the fact that i play music to drown THEM out. this insists on bickering loudly until they shut the door.

i was walking back w/ my hoodrat neighbor Holly. She borrowed my champagne glasses while she chilled with the vatos y ellas. She's more ghetto than I'll ever be. totally immersed in the gang culture, and from Manhattan Beach. that's right, rich girl passionate about the hood. we were laughing in my kitchen when i suddenly her a loud "SHHHH". but wait there's more, i get yelled at. and to top it off she calls me Autumn. not my name. i was a little hurt. im so nice to them, nicer than i would ever be to neighbors seeing as im not a fan of getting to know them on a deeper level other than "Hi" and "Bye" There is def a you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours mentality when you live in a neighborhood which I learned was owned by "TMC" that stands for The Magician's Club, a gang that is directly rivaled with 18th Street.

You see, I live in gangland which doesn't say much as they are all underground...apparently I am surrounded by the following:

* 18th Street Gang (Los Angeles)
* White Fence Gang (Los Angeles)
* TMC Gang (The Magicians Club) (Los Angeles)
* Valerio Gang (San Fernando Valley)
* Blyth Street Gang (Van Nuys)

Fun fact: they're called the "Magician's Club" because get this...they make people disappear.
(Read: If I don't blog ever again after this...call the authorities, hide my diaries and give my clothes to my sister)

she was incredibly snippy and said i was not considerate of the neighbors in the complex. BALDERDASH. im totally fucking considerate, so much that I mind my own business. the other thing, they are only here a few months out of the year. I think its time they stop doing this. First of all, they're like 80, living in a war zone. Just stay in London. Also, I'm sure to them, all young people are loud. We just are. And obnoxious. She's just annoyed I was listening to Hector Lavoe and Celia Cruz till 10 at night.

I've also decide that I'll let bygones be bygones and by that it means, I will in fact BECOME the bratty, obnoxious neighbor she so dares me to be and ignore her. if she blames her outburst on early onset Alzheimer's I'll just poo-poo that notion as its a lie.

She knew what she was doing - trying to flex the ol "I'm OLD and require speaking below whisper after 9"

blargh, i got over it pretty fast - its really easy to get over stuff if you try your best not to care TOO much.

epic disappointment

2008-07-23T12:56:00.000-07:00

to no one in particular:

are men capable of anything but letting sleeping dogs lie? bygones be bygones? not sweating the small stuff?

if a man firmly believes in these ways of life, laws of living - its just showcases their inability to be sensitive to situations that generally upset women. sure they probably sidestep tons of life's soap operas, but it begs the adage "well-behaved women rarely make history."

now with the cover story of my company's competitor, screaming that SJP, a woman who's SUPPOSED to have it all, has been cheated on by none other than the loving, cuddly, waspy individual, matthew broderick. i guess a real man would allow her to have it all. a wimp wants it her perfect existence to show wear, to crumble, chip or smudge. like makeup and nails. well, after all, that's the most important thing to her anyway, right?

i am fed up with this wimpy behavior. its called insecurity fellas, plain and simple. and i know that a femme word for you all, and easily tossed about like it never applies to your sex, but you guys can be so. totally. fucking. insecure.

and the men who are willing to have a comment, to tell a woman how they really feel without hiding behind bravado, who are down to protect her and be on her side no matter what. take in account her feelings, give her constructive feedback and share in her joy and pain without feeling putupon?

they are few, far between.
but i would like to meet them.

i wish i could shake this persistent feeling of constant disappointment when it comes to the male species. i feel like every time a man opens his mouth, he's totally fucking lying.

stuff that rawks

2008-07-20T17:38:00.000-07:00

pharrell, just before he began to sing "lapdance"
hardfest, shrine auditorium, 1:04 am
i dont care, he's just too damn sexy.

singing "she wants to move"
its sounds so much better live & everyone knew the words

w/ ryan & jessica (directly behind me) there was a lot of dancing involved.

"yo, ma, i went to art school."
same night, but earlier - i was an innocent bystander as my good buddy, josh b. earned his one way ticket to hell ...sarcasm reigns even at a fancy charity event I guess.
yet he rawks because he is hella funny and he's a vis efx artist, some of the most interesting people in the business are those way deep behind the scenes like this character.
be sure to ask him about Thailand.

my accessory du jour: CC SKYE cocktail ring
this bad boy looks good w/ pretty much everything.

best quotes of the weekend:

"you must understand, i have friends in every corner of the globe ringing me 24 hours a day, i have to do it."
- ryan s. on keeping his BB on silent.

"all he had to do was sit on a couch and laugh for 30 damn years? and he's broke? no i dont feel sorry for his ass"
- my mother on Ed McMahon

"y'all so rich, you dont have mosquitoes. as a matter of a fact, i saw one housefly and it had a british accent."
-cedric the entertainer referring to the palatial estate during the Hollyrod event.

saturday night live

2008-07-18T17:33:00.001-07:00

hella shit to do this weekend, where i'll be:

private b-day party - malibu colony
hollyrod event - malibu
hardfest - shrine auditorium
glow - santa monica

thats just saturday.

xo

would you tell a woman her husband was a douchebag?

2008-07-18T15:13:00.001-07:00

went to a party in the colony a few weeks back. met up with my lovely friends for an after 4th of july dinner party on the sea. it was very sweet and intimate. a small crew and lots of catered goodies. very yummers. while in attendance i made the acquaintance of a young couple, the husband being somewhat wealthy while somewhat unemployed. (daddy's money) his wife was afflicted with some acute type of eczema. lovely girl - funny sweet and pretty.

the husband quite openly criticized his wife's appearance. this is after telling me and schwartz about his lovely wedding in a 3rd world country home to my ancestors. he was drunk, don't get me wrong, we all do weird stuff when liquored up, but suddenly he became incredibly inappropriate and "huggy". i dont like awkward situations such as these, but i can't deny the obvious. without missing a beat i word vomited "you're a total douchebag", then laughed in his face as he laughed back. when you're drunk, shit takes a while to process cause then he paused and then looked at me blankly "wait...am i? am i a douchebag?"

i didn't stutter.

"yes dude...you're totally off-base. if you were my husband i'd be so sad. i'd think i make bad decisions, because there is no way i wouldn't have known before the wedding you were ridiculous."

he was taken aback and for the rest of the night pretty much retreated that was until the end.

he was back and with a vengeance. "so what are you ladies up to tonight?" i probably named 40 different things that didnt go together "washing my sponges, defragging my hard drive, then reading "unbearable lightness of being" backwards, organizing my dust bunnies, then after all that, stomping grapes and curing ketchup for a merlot-pruno blend...you?"

he babbled, and babbled. finally he was gone not soon before he was terrorizing another group of innocents. i was giving my host and hostess a big ol' hug, kiss and thank you before the wife of said douchebag appears, rolling her eyes. "i have to get away from my husband..." she said, exasperated. i saw the confusion in her eyes. the "what have i done..." he probably traipses about the colony embarrassing her from one ingloriously overpriced pub to the next...

i dont know these two from adam but i have a good eye for human behavior prompted by my intuition. i see them as the go to couple for fun, maybe not the picture of domesticity---they probably have awesome days together, have great sex and adventure...but there is nothing worse than casting doubt about your man in the face of others...this has happened to me when the ex got supremely wasted and embarrassed me during the cinco de mayo fiasco of 2006 in which he stole $ from others and licked my face. not to be confused with the 4th of july fiasco of 06 in which he called me fat for not wearing a bathing suit.

(ed note: ew. why did i put up with that for sooo long?)

i hope to find someone who will never embarrass me. because i really hate seeing it happen to others. so either marry someone who loves you more than you do him, OR dont get married ever.

so ladies, LIFE IS TOO SHORT! just do what little man did:

american psycho*

2008-07-18T14:22:00.001-07:00

"Yes it is! In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself."

(*im this close to have this be my daily routine-except for waking up early)

wake at 6:30a, thank god for opening my eyes.
click on the news, wait for al to toss to willard who tosses to local...)
put on workout clothes
AM cardio for 45 minutes, watch the rest of CNN Today on treadmill

b: small bowl of any cereal with wheat involved, skim milk, some kind of fruit OR a protein shake, water, supplements, pills
l: protein, protein, protein, veggie, bulk of daily carbs
sn: almonds, fruit, 1/2 avo w/ lime juice or a yogurt.
d: protein shake, protein/veggies or nothing

cardio 45 minutes a day - period.

weights: 30-45 minutes full body 3-4 times a week.

no drinky and bed by 11p - sun-thurs

am: wash face w/ gentle cleanser, shower medium hot for 5 minutes, lotion, bp 8% and sun block, makeup

pm: wash face w/ glyco cleanser, shower after gym, lotion, brush teeth, floss, trico, no moisturizer at night.

kelly mccauley throws fun parties aka last weekend in 81 fotos

2008-07-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

this is helen mirren @ 62

2008-07-16T16:52:00.001-07:00

Looking better than you at whatever age you are, in a bikini.

Black dont crack but it droops.

Note to self: stay on top of game.

That is all.

as a rule...

2008-07-15T22:00:00.001-07:00

i try my best not to speak on anything unless i know FOR sure my answer is correct. i recently entered an argument w/ this guy who was on shear genius. he was cut i think the first episode of this season, which is LACKLUSTER to say the least. No PUN INTENDED. some of the most tired hair styles i've ever seen.

i said, "you know kim vo is half vietnamese." kim vo is one of the judges, has a shop on robertson i believe. its true, under that piled high blond bouffant is a little Hapa. this guy swore up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down that KV is just a "white man" and he said this with CONVICTION, like how dare I argue with him? He knows his business, he was on a reality show with this man.

then i thought, you are supposed to be this AMAZING personality, you have a line of hair products, a clothing line, this that and the other yet you are working at a barber shop with 20 other barbers following being voted OFF a reality show in the FIRST episode.

plus not to mention, look at him:

it doesn't take a Rhodes scholar to see that he is not 100% caucasian. Ok, so maybe it wouldn't be Vietnamese...doesn't matter, somewhere in his genetic makeup, generations ago someone was of Asian descent.

Bottomline: I'm tired of idiots being paid, and they act like they know.

Know your business. Know it well. And don't even try to argue with me about the following:

1. Pop Culture
2. Genetic makeup
3. Minutiae

cause you will lose.

when tastemakers collide

2008-07-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

i got a reputation to maintain. no further comment.

(from l to r, allison melnick, chris detert, me, some dude, paris, nicky)

flashing. lights.

2008-07-14T09:35:00.000-07:00

went to this event on thursday as a guest of the gallery owner and the publicists...i'll say...it was 1000 degrees in Pop Factory but it was a cocktail party worth attending. Delightful group of people, and I finally shared a touching moment with Paris & Nicky - they adored my couture shirt I got for 80% off at American Rag.

See, those bitches get it.

If you can find me in this paparazzi video, I appear twice, (not to include when I was smoking with the sisters out back...) you get a free subscription to OK magazine.

dnc 2008

2008-07-08T12:51:00.000-07:00

i want to go, i went when i was 20, and it was a fantastic experience not only professionally but personally. i like watching change happen, and obviously this election is historical. i cling tightly to the pop culture side of things cause its what i do and passionate about...but the nerd in me, the need to know, the horder of info, i am passionate about current affairs and politics.

i watch the news in the morning and at the gym. my attention genuinely rapt. there are some truly amazing and harrowing stories out there right now i wish i would have covered. i do wish i pursued a career in journalism fully without distraction.

so im trying to get credentialed for DNC and im sure it would have happen if i had not waited so long so now it looks like i have to volunteer if i want to be apart of this at all. im still going to check other avenues, but this opportunity escaping me, whether Barack O. wins or not, would be a disappointment.

im honored to be apart of the generation that could change this world. when i was younger, even in the 80s, i never imagined that in one week, i'd see the following:

A black man aboard his plane as he attempts to win the US Presidency
Black action star make his gazillionth #1 summer tent pole film
Two black sisters compete for the title in Wimbledon

that's heavy. more and more each day im encouraged by these developments. i really hope it does something for those not in the know. im hoping against hope we can erase stigmas and change the cultural landscape within the black community.

we need to brush the dirt off our shoulders and rise up and strengthen as a people, not so much about protecting ourselves, as its more like representing our race in a better more positive light.

as my grandmother would say, we need to get our ass up off our shoulders (and that dirt) about being held back...to that i now say, you are holding yourself back. too much opportunity out there for us not to see it and grab it by any means necessary.

and stay diverse. always.

I love Barack Obama and I'm going to support him any way I can.

4th of July

2008-07-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

CANDIDS

Caught attempting to say "This is so fun" after my 4th margarita.

Good ol' Ryan....love this kid...

Michelle Jones! With Toni Toni Toni.
We became besties reminiscing on muzak from our childhood.

Adam with Toni eating fries

This couple was fighting, but he was obviously making a breakthrough. It was pretty and reminds me of the movie "Valley Girl"

this posting approved by the everfabulous, j. betts.

hey, hey, you know what to do...

2008-07-03T23:58:00.000-07:00

going to a malibu beach party tomorrow...this is my 90210/saved by the bell moment if there ever was one.

you know how every summer they went to the beachhouse or their beach jobs and got into a whole other batch of shenanigans that didn't involve their primary respective environs.

im not a huge beach person by nature, those 120 hours of community service didn't help matters.

but what better way to celebrate the height of the summer of wynter than on the beaches of the rich and ridiculously wealthy?

only problem is, i dont know what to wear. egads...

next weekend is the party im actually looking forward to...my friend kelly is coming in from london and opening up her quaint little santa monica beach house to a healthy group of hipsters and others and then there's me, i dont know what group i fit into...i want to think that i can't be pegged into clique. i roll w/ the circle of trust exclusively and those peripheral industry folks im friends with. its going to be painful trying to do that party, then roll out a bit later to an even later party late saturday early sunday.

taking schwartz out this saturday...big fun as always...

i have real problems too, beyond that fake shit - my car was hit by a DWP truck. im one of 5 people i know who have had this happen. my car looks like a transformer in mid-transformation.

so terrible. but at least it runs. the Big Guy knows and he looks out for me.

I was not trying to catch the bus to work, gas crisis or not.

the playlist

2008-07-01T17:24:00.001-07:00

is an indicator level.

you guys realize, im really not that clever.

i let the music speak for me.

and this blog too.

earmuffs.

2008-07-01T13:30:00.000-07:00

rebound
n 1: a movement back from an impact [syn: {recoil}, {repercussion},
   {backlash}]
2: a reaction to a crisis or setback or frustration; "he is
still on the rebound from his wife's death"
3: the act of securing possession of the rebounding basketball
after a missed shot
v 1: spring back; spring away from an impact; "The rubber ball
  bounced"; "These particles do not resile but they unite
  after they collide" [syn: {bounce}, {resile}, {take a  hop}, {spring}, {bound}, {recoil}, {reverberate}, {ricochet}]
2: return to a former condition; "The jilted lover soon rallied
and found new friends"; "The stock market rallied" [syn: {rally}]

goddammit, im a grown woman and i do what i please when i please. thats evident.

astrobarry predicted i'd be introduced to a libra. who do i meet? a virgo-libra cusp. wowzers. the compatibility chart had some strong opinions about this. meet...well more like reacquaint myself with...more on that later...that's...something else.

1- ive been working out like a fiend for the last 2 months, even more the last 3 weeks and not missing a day in the gym in over 2.5 weeks, i feel great and i look great. i can now see how it will look with even more weight gone and that's awesome. his pillow talk on my level of sexiness were warranted and an incredible ego boost. natch.

2-its been 90 days since the breakup folks. think its safe to say i have really made the effort to move on in a proper way and i've mourned and cherished the end of that. i marinated on rebounding for 2 months of a respect for the situation...

3- this MLA is ridiculously hot. you could not kick him out of bed if you tried. seriously, tall w/ a body like a greek god and the most amazing hair. a full head of it even.

4- i had to cancel cinemax. it was destroying my faith in humanity. cause i'd fall asleep watching, oh i dont know, dances w/ wolves and wake up to some awful, foul, terrible shit involving 2-3 people and one awkwardly placed pair of legs. but something told me to cherish the last two nights i had skinemax and it came in handy- i need to publish a textbook, a how-to for the art of successfully handling an MLA in the new millennium. it would be called "he's just not that into you...if you act like you give a shit"

5- when you slim down, clothes fit perfectly. didn't really over think the outfit, a fresh blowout, tight jeans and translucent tight tee w/ neon pink bra, a pretty vaguely natural face plied w/ beer and conversation. yes a neon pink bra. inspired by carrie bradshaw by way of patricia field.

and finally...

6- this is what you are supposed to do, right? i dont know, im a beginner at breakup recovery!!
it was so very theatrical. right, that's how a director (he) and writer (i) would do things, in a very cinematic manner. there was a lot of chess in the beginning...some mind games, real historical discussion and a trading of facts, horror movie quizzing, the ever present question "why the hell do (i) have so many books?", getting to know you and then...always, the deus ex machina: the accidental ass swipe.

him: (as he's from what i can tell, smelling my hair as i grab a glass from high atop the cupboard) ooops...sorry bout that, my fault.
me: right. well, my ass is huge and my kitchen is small. bound to happen-right?

weirdo.

but i loved. it.

cause im fierce.

and its the SUMMER OF WYNTER.

but...here's where it gets sorta tricky...

i used to live above him.

and i wasn't a fan. so many restless nights i had from his loud ass.

so we bump into each other over a month ago. trade emails, not even phone numbers, nothing dangerous i was being nice. then i start getting these ultra-sultry emails. sometimes at 4 in the morning, sometimes at a normal hour, they went from hotsex to perfectly safe. i got confused that maybe it was ME who was being inappropriate. no he was inappropriate from start tho i thought he was joking, i never insinuated i wanted to go there. whatever. i was suspicious. but then he starts talking sugar, saying he has a crush on me, im pretty, i look good, this that and the other. goes on to say he didn't have a crush on me when i lived above him -- but he always thought i was "funny and interesting". always thought FL and I made a hot couple, was always curious about what one saw in the other and agreed w/ his roommate and aunt that i was the aggressor and he was the enabler. they had discussions about us? and he could hear everything we did. everything. oy.

we'd met up up once before, there was guacamole involved and some tequila but i dont really remember that night so well. partially because it was a blur. when we met up again, he reveals he didn't remember me being so hot or such a character. yea right. but then he kept the inquisition about fl, "he's such a nice guy" "i really like that guy..." "maybe you guys will work it out..." "seems like such a sweet guy"

in the end he spills "i just didn't understand what you two had.." ENOUGH ALREADY. why are you supposed to understand? i dont even understand. tunnelvision. no one was gonna clue you in, pal. you were NEVER on my radar.

you dont like the guy that much if you are trying to bang his ex. period. curious as a cat he was; about me, my life, my work, my attitude. intrigued that i would ever date and even go so far as to love (and i do, will always...) someone like FL. i poo-pooed talk of FL as much as i could as there is no need to go into details. thats weird. the funk of our relationship hanging over an otherwise silly night, no need. then the bombshell: he tells me that FL had led on that i was the nut in the relationship. if that doesn't put you on top of someone faster, finding out that your ex was hanging you out to dry. always tell the truth fella, cause the guy you are spilling to may be spilling it somewhere else later...maybe even into her.

q: do you worry FL will read this?
a: yes and no. yes, because im afraid of what he might think....no, because i can't really think about what he thinks anymore. his opinion of my life is no longer my business.

i sound feisty, but i had the best time. did i have reservations about hanging out w/ the neighbor to begin with. no. see above, i do what i want when i want. it always happens to me, first look at a guy whom i have peripheral exposure to and i could not be bothered a minute more, upon closer inspection however then i can kind of see what the big deal is. i forgot how to be boy crazy which is a good thing but now im just pensive and suspicious. remaining forever sexy while doing so.

so there it is. strong black independent woman. he's a by product of this self-love and what a nice piece of by product he is...on sex and the city, they always rebound on w/ someone completely opposite to what you were in love with. in this case, i hooked up w/ an incredibly funny and sarcastic jock who hates computers.

life is sooooooooo weird.

"better bring a parka...

2008-07-01T12:03:00.000-07:00

...cause wynter's coming" - smrtmnky

emergence, reinvention, closure.

this is the final stage of a breakup and it appears that i am all up in that.

this blog really helps me just get it all out in the open. i dont really totally care about being discreet, as long as i dont write about my work or something slanderous, i think i can be open about what im dealing with here. im being honest.

and honestly, ive been smart and strategic about every aspect of this breakdown/breakthrough. i've been thoughtful, emotional when necessary, having fun and feeling free. unburdened, unbridled, less inhibited. i feel like summer started april 1. i can't believe its july 1. i have accepted and moved on. for every girl/guy friend who told me i needed to move on, i kept saying that i was close, and i wasn't lying.

i know myself, when im through, im tha-rough. i weigh pros, cons and the outcome of not carefully planning my actions. the older i get, the less i want to be embarrassed. i think my strategy of patience and vigil has worked out quite well.

the way i feel today, compared to 90 days ago is remarkable. i feel stronger, more resilient and prepared to handle what life hands me.

i have not had great days everyday, some days i feel downright crappy, i just came out of a 2 week blah fest...but we're moving into the next stage of my reinvention.

what happens next? can't tell you...but the plan is working flawlessly.

boot camp

2008-06-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

in trying to teach myself discipline - i've had to completely strip down every excuse I make and get to the heart of what's right and how i can best achieve my goals.

first off...1 - accept reality:

once you accept the reality of situation, whatever they are, your salary, a breakup, your living arrangements, then you can decide from there what can stay the way it is, or what can be changed. i love my apartment, but i think i may have too much crap. my beef is that i like to keep things, the reality is that my love for products, early millennial fashion and books are starting to over take my life. so i'm purging tons of shit this weekend. im just doing it. there can be no excuse, EVERYTHING MUST GO. i also cut out all the premium channels on my directv bill. no hbo, showtime, cinemax or starz. am i anxious about it? why yes, does that extra 40 a month hurt my wallet, hells yes. i dont think i'll feel the pain that much, i cannot watch "back to the future" for the 400th time.

next...2- if it bothers you, change it:

its pretty much a known fact to my friends that i have issues with my weight. growing up i was not pudgy, i was athletic and svelte. but i've been working out, but i've also been drinking alot and partying way too much. so i recently committed myself to going to the gym RIGHT AFTER WORK. i've committed to the supplements, my meds and drinking water and i have to say, a big bowl of fiber every morning is amazing for the gut. working out and watching your body change is rewarding, im ecstatic that i'll be in my silver dress by august. just in time for vegas, the redux. its up to me if i want to turn 29 next year in potentially the same state, i can't deal with that, i can't deal with the current state which is why im either at gold's first thing in the am, right after work or if that doesn't happen which it should, then im there at night. i can foresee the road if i dont do something about my body and how i feel about it. i dont LOVE it. i dont cradle it, i take care of it on the outside, pristinely---but the inside needs a bit of work. i can see that i will be miserable and tortured if i dont deal with the reality of it. this weight is not even about me, its about my insecurity, survival and trauma.
i carry it around like old luggage that needs to be tossed (see #1) i will still be voluptuous and sexy 30 pounds less. not a big deal, i will never be bone-thin like i was growing up, i will however beat jessica biel at her own game cause she has the body i had when i was 16.
she rebuilt her body to look like that, so can i. discipline.

last, 3 - what is most important?
right now? me and my happiness. and how will i make myself happy. this summer i've had plenty of happiness in my life that made me feel great. traveling even to a few local places and Vegas, hanging out with friends from NY, Norcal and here...going to parties, strengthening my ties with my best friends, meeting new people, the support I've had throughout this whole thing is the best. the best part about the support is people go out of their way to tell me what good about me just being me. how important it is to have perspective and they dont trash talk the ex. And not because they are trying to be PC, because the reality (#1) is that he's not in my life. whether its for now or forever, he aint here. im not glad, relieved or bitter. it is what it is. who's happiness is more important? mine. he gave up considering my feelings a very long time ago...so now im going to focus on my needs no matter what anyone says wants or desires. if its positive then its what i need. he's not the makeup of my life. being a couple was fun, being a couple of angry people was not. i think i have what it takes to become someone's wife and mother of their children someday. no woman is born that way and i have a lot more to learn about men. so i need to start being a lady who lives with a goal toward that mindset. i have my eye on the prize of being a self-made career woman and business and that is definitely apart of my present and future - but making a baby, 3 or 4 maybe? getting married - or not even, just having a partner who's committed to not only DEALING with my shit, but helping me get through it is what i'd like in my life. (and vice versa. i wont be selfish forever.)

i will no longer deal with toy soldiers - don't join the army unless you want to be the army.

(look, i dont soothe everyone's palate. there is a lot about MYSELF i dont like, but i know my heart, others do too, i care about people, i care about my life and this journey, and i want to be a good person and leave a legacy that will effort change. somehow. sasa helps me see why i have strength, because i'm here, still fighting. she and i both come from somewhat difficult and bi-polar childhoods. while we were happy and blessed to everyone on the outside, on the inside we were charged w/ so much responsibility, emotionally and intellectually by our parents that we often fought with who we were as growing kids. i love my parents so much, they know that. i forgive them their faults and missteps

for AD.

2008-06-16T09:46:00.000-07:00

friend,

this shit sucks. and screw the god damned mini-feed.

its unfair.

its heartbreaking.

for me, there are days when im ELATED and don't even remember his face.

then there are days when its all i see; in others, in the design of my apartment, the dent he created on my car, the shirt he left in my drawer.

when i goto tell a funny story and he was involved in the best part.

sometimes i hear him say my name in my sleep. sometimes i dream that he's pushing me away saying, " just leave me be, please." how do you argue with the subconscious?

when im really sad i recite every mean thing he ever said and did, and that helps me bound out of bed...

then i remember all the things he'd said i'd never heard before and how it was the way i learned about love.

other days i just pretend he was somebody i knew that i don't really know anymore.

i think that when you try to push something out of your mind, it never goes away.

at some point it rears its ugly head and then its all you can think about until something drags it away back into the the recesses of your mind, its not that im in denial of my breakup, i just think that while necessary, its similar to taxes, parking tickets, rent. you dont want to deal with it but you have to.

sometimes i wonder if we can ever be friends. but then i wonder how he could ever look at me and not want to touch me.

other times i want to have the memory of him erased, i've done enough research to know that thats impossible.

it gets easier as some point. i guess. or so ive been told.

take as long as you need, i am.

until then, you have friend, family and loved ones and of course im always there if you need.

all that said...

THE SUMMER OF WYNTER STILL PREVAILS!

keep ya head up...

xoxox

top 8 favorite jay-z lyrics

2008-06-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

take away the image, the clothes, the rides, the wifey and you have who i consider my favorite rapper, jay-z. i grew up listening to jigga and to watch his trajectory into mainstream, is both exciting and bittersweet. he was hard scrabble, product of marcy projects, rapping about stealing your bitch, slanging cocaine and heroin, dodging bullets. i didn't identify but he walked me through the "story" as if i were right there with him. i idolize him because he has the spirit of a survivor and a warrior.

He's the inspiration poster of music for me. he calls people on their shit all the time and is unapologetic...whereas his ego is grand, if not more grandiose than say Kanye or even Diddy - its his style, his lyricism and reserved nature that makes me hang on his every word and repeat it often. Oh and the beats and bass.

1.
"we dont believe you...you need more people"
-Takeover

2.
Try and lie on Hov' cause I ride on the road, in what, most would describe as a Rolls
NO, that's that Continental T, The only car that fit intercontinental me, not guilty -
- Guilty Until Proven Innocent

3.
Rich niggas, black bar-mitzvahs, Mazel Tov its a celebration bitches,
L'Chayim I wish for you a hundred years of success but it's my time
Cheers, toast to crime number one d-boy damn he could rhyme...
- Roc Boys

4.
I got this African chick with Eddie Murphy on her skull
She like, "Jigga Man, why you treat me like animal?"
I'm like excuse me Ms. Fufu, but when I met your ass
you was dead broke and naked, and now you want half....
-Girls, Girls, Girls

5.
I'm ten years removed, still the vibe is in my veins
I got a hustler spirit, nigga period
Check out my hat yo, peep the way I wear it
Check out my swag' yo, I walk like a ballplayer
No matter where you go, you are what you are player
And you can try to change but that's just the top layer
Man, you was who you was 'fore you got here
Only God can judge me, so I'm gone, either love me, or leave me alone
-Public Service Announcement

6.
I don't think it's meant to be, be
But she loves her work more than she does me
And honestly, at twenty-three, I would probably love my work more than I did she
So we, ain't we, It's me, and her
'Cause what she prefers over me, is work
And that's, where we, differ, So I have to give her
Free, time, even if it hurts, So breathe, mami, it's deserved
You've been put on this earth to be, All you can be, like the reserves
And me? My timing in this army, it's served, So I have to allow she, her, time to serve
The time's now for her, The time she'll mature
And maybe we, can be, we, again like we were
Finally, my time's too short to share, And to ask her now, it ain't fair
So yeah, she lost one
-Lost Ones

7
Hov' did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that - Izzo

8.
I never asked for nothin' I don't demand of myself / Honesty, loyalty, friends and then wealth / Death before dishonor and I tell you what else / I tighten my belt 'fore I beg for help / Foolish pride is what held me together through the years / I wasn't felt which is why I ain't never played myself / I just play the hand I'm dealt, I can't say I've never knelt / Before God and asked for better cards at times to no avail / But I never sat back feelin sorry for myself / If you don't give me heaven I'll raise hell ('Til it's heaven)
-Justify My Thug

vegas 2008

2008-06-09T15:15:00.000-07:00

haven't been since i was 20. this is my first real Vegas experience.

what kind of fuckery is this? - hollywood edition

2008-06-05T22:44:00.000-07:00

if the death of johnny grant says anything about the state of affairs in Hollywood proper...he should be turning in his grave. that's supposed to be indiana jones. homey in the back is not buying it either.

i know harrison ford is up there in years, but god bless him. if not but for the infinite amounts of cash he's reaping from returning to ONE of the roles that made him famous, its his fuck it approach to being nearly 70 and still running around whipping people and trying to find crystal skulls, temples of doom, lost arks and what have you. even sean connery was like...peace out.

but this guy? this guy was wearing khakis with a visible Dockers insignia and carrying a ROPE and a Sony handicam. HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE ATTRACTION. AND INDIANA JONES' CHARACTERS IS FROM THE 1930's or 40s. Sound in film was a phenomena at this point.

WTF.

Then there's this assclown...

talking about you can't take pictures of Freddy without paying first. Whatwhatwhat?

wasn't this a Nip/Tuck episode? why are you broads walking together? suspend SOME KIND OF DISBELIEF for the millions of wide eyed tourists who flew thousands of miles to take in Hollywood. Marilyn is dearly departed, we know...but you can't walk around in her SOME LIKE IT HOT garb together, at the same time. I wish I had taken a picture of the Goth/straight edge Charlie Chaplin. His cane twirl was PATHETIC.

and this poor bastard...

Hollywood makes me sad sometimes. As convenient as it is...its truly the district of lost dreams.

When I was little, my mom took me to see Pippi Longstocking at the Children's Museum. I was so stoked. Here was my chance to meet my first cultural icon of my youth. I read all her books, was passionate about her travels, her great relationship with her father, her monkey, how she would pop someone in the face if they screwed with her, how she could do practically anything she wanted...I lived vicariously though her tomfoolery and mischievious Robin Hood-esque lifestyle. I talked about it in pre-school for days...and finally, that summer Saturday, it came time for the meeting.

We arrive, I BOUND out of the Volvo and into the grassy area looking for the red mop and baby doll dress. I imagined she was my height, and age and we would spend the entire day playing until we fell restlessly into the sand eating Hostess cupcakes that I would introduce her to. We'd sing songs, play on the swings, she'd tell me about her time on the seas with her Papa and I'd tell her about my Daddy taking me to his work where he'd bring me on the runway to watch the planes land and take off. The envy of all the kids stuck at the gate. Then our parents would pull us apart as we cried and promised to write.

Uh no.

We got there and I make my way through the crowd and there she was: this 50 year old lady, wrinkled, make-up running, teeth yellow and voice raspy. I fell apart. My mother so incredibly embarrassed dragged me away as I wailed "THAT'S NOT PIPPI, THAT'S SOME LADY!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, MOMMY, WHY??" I don't think I spoke to my mom for the rest of the day. I never watched Pippi again.

The moral is, the fuckery on Hollywood Blvd. ruins dreams. I am willing to start a petition to put an end to this ridiculousness. Or start a petition for them to get better character costumes and at the very least some decent look-a-likes.

Of course I only go to H&H 2 times a year, so I think I can stomach the trauma 2 of 365 days a year.

big news + vegas

2008-06-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

i have big news.

and that's all im gonna say.

for now.

huge.

and vegas is starting tomorrow. sidestepping my horrendous connections through salt lake city, i can taste the drinks, the heat, the noisy machines and giggling girls. im awaiting catfights, potential MLA, and laying out by the pool with my big sunhat and my girl MaryAnne among others.

and dont forget my comped suite. ;)

hehe.

pix to follow.

big news not for a bit...some things need to shake out and mercury is in retrograde.

exit strategy

2008-06-03T16:27:00.001-07:00

oh please, there's always a contest with an ex-, its called "who'll die miserable".."
- samantha, sex and the city, "easy come, easy go"

saw the movie. of course i did, you crazy? like i could miss it for the world. i brought sas and jenn with me to watch. we had italian food and wine, me saddled w/ food poisoning from a beverly hills cafe i had to drink seltzer and nurse my colon. so upset!

then we get to the theaters and its filled to the brim w/ queens and chatty kathy's. meh. only seats avail were in front. oh man, my neck, my back, my stomach. this isn't starting well...
movie begins and im SOOO excited. they're back-- mah girls. so big, so vibrant so MAYJAH.
i love this show, i love this movie more...that is..until...jennifer hudson.

people say i look like her. a lot of people. i dont really think so, but at least she's an oscar winner. girl can SANG but i am cuter and well proportioned.

oh, no, wait...her storyline? "she's from St. Louis." That's fine. Millions are..."and a web designer moving to the big city for work and for love" why did she leave STL? "Because her boyfriend told her she wasn't the one" And God said "HA". I'd been waiting for this movie, for nearly a year and on the two month anniversary of his abandonment, they drop a plotline in as if it were talking to me and me only. i let out an AUDIBLE sigh during this revelation which drew a few snickers. if they only knew why I was a sighing. why i was suddenly losing interest in this movie, looking at my watch - thinking about how i had a whole other hour to deal.

you didn't miss the joke - my ex is a web designer from St. Louis. meh. think what you want, i was upset. and guess what, i have been doing GREAT until that and then enter the waterworks. the movie itself was fab, a solid B-. things i would have added, i wont spoil here, but otherwise, the experience was ruined by irony and my uppity colon.

with that, i've given up smoking. the girls said i needneedNEED to start formally disassembling my feelings for him. i cannot do that at a drop of a hat, so ive started letting go of habits that have built up over time. more drinking, more smoking...

so i will go 4 days in between booze
and distance myself at least a month without cigs.

that's the only exit strategy i can think of at the moment.

old friends

2008-06-02T15:24:00.000-07:00

darling, i remember when you first started at wma, and now look at you - imho, the only reason to watch this clip (OR THIS WHOLE SHOW FOR THAT MATTER) is to see how she gets to verbal pwnd heidi.

summer of wynter - a modern lady adventure

2008-06-02T14:50:00.001-07:00

betcha thought i was gonna spend my summer like this? right?

WRONG.

Join THE OFFICIAL SUMMER OF WYNTER group.

The only support group where you dont rest on your laurels.
You dress them up in a tight jeans and shake them.

put your lighters up

2008-05-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

some people go out of their way to make your life incredibly miserable.

just for the sake of hate. and they will try to destroy you and talk bad about you. manipulate situations to save themselves. they'll eat their own if it means they can maintain their agenda.

ive had so many haters in my life. i remember each and every one of them. there's felicia when i was 7, who dared attack me (and my mom) because of my name. i had to do battle with her at the richard simmons gym my mom was a member of. finally ,we came to blows and my mom was alerted in the middle of her cardio session that i had the girl with her face pinned to the wall and her arm twisted behind her back. when i was 12, there was aiesha, the ghettoslut from ingleside who called me a bitch, a sellout and whitewashed daily for two weeks while i rode home on the K in silence. 14 days in i finally got off the bus, followed her to the library and proceeded to whoop her ass. she never called me a bitch, or anything else again. when i was 14, there was ayana. she took every opportunity to mortify me for no good damn reason. she relented when i put a popsicle stick in her and she carried it with her for the better part of lunch and into the 4th period.

when i was 19, there was erica fontenot. she was of the short, squat squarebodied type. took every opportunity to insult my existence but pretended to be my best friend. when i went home with two of the hottest guys at our job @ niketown, she proceeded to tell them both I had an STD. (ed. : I DIDNT!) i still owe her a beatdown. there's the lesbian parents of one of my best friends who while an A student and an ace flutist, felt i was an incredibly bad influence because their daughter was hanging out late, dating black men and gaining an appreciation for Boyz II Men. My fault? No. The girl was a terror, I didn't even know half of the mischief she committed. 15 years later, I'm in the table of contents of the magazine I work for this week:
and she is laying in a crypt somewhere in Colma, Ca.

Murdered in a heroin bust gone bad.

Look at the picture. Its ME! That's ME!!!! and with a HOT DUDE at that.

so haters pump yo breaks...people know i dont like to hate on people who don't deserve it, my intentions are true and i am NOT, repeat, NOT malicious. I don't have time for that kind of karma. but look at what i've worked so hard for. its not just the magazine picture, that's actually not blowing my mind. its all the hard work and attempts as success I've busted my ass to achieve. Its the simple recognition in my strengths, capabilities and focus.

to every hater out there who called me names, who talked bad about me behind my back, who set up agendas to manipulate my downfall, who lied on me and made up stories, who tried to breakdown and destroy my faith: y'all can just kiss my ass.

love affair with "sex"

2008-05-29T21:18:00.001-07:00

i am one of those people who needs to wait for the alpha version of things. i do not believe in trying things out in beta. that was the QA department is for. i didn't start watching Sex and the City until season 2. i remember it being SHOVED down our collective throats. newsweek, time, today show, EW, People, this is pre-internet folks...back when people handled paper and READ things in black and white with 256 colors. i became obsessed, 18 years old and so unlucky in everything at the time, i lived vicariously through them and wanted so badly to lead their lives, with those friends. who knew that 10 years later, i'm pretty much right there. (minus the $, but Carrie was a broke ass early on too) i've got a miranda, a samantha and a charlotte in my fold, in multiples even.

i got mono in 1998 - essentially a year long bout of i dont know what, the worst gap year any child could have. i spent days at a time in bed, reading books, eschewing television (shocker) and essentially limiting my activity to walking to the bathroom, to the car, to McDonalds and back. my action with men was limited, hadn't even been with a handful but i hated rejection, felt fat, unattractive and the biggest L7 on record. before you cough and assume that SATC saved me from the reject pile - it didn't, but it gently nudged me toward my own emotional and sexual revolution which in turn assisted in the development of my early adulthood.

i immediately deemed myself a carrie/miranda as I was optimistic about love but like Miranda, every time a man makes a move or opens his mouth he's talking sugar. Sweet, tasty, addictive - bad for you. but the CB optimism lets me fall for the good the bad and the ugly with careless abandon.

so...in honor of my favorite show on earth, the only one i still watch on repeats even though I own every season, the only show for which I've bought all the fan and table books, the only show that I have a board game for - the only show I am ok with having a movie version -here are things I've learned from SATC:

look your best always, because of Carrie's unfortunate situation where she ended up on the cover of New York looking beat to shit, always stay prepared. you are your brand.
a mr. big is great from time to time, but when you've got an Aidan, don't make him a Big. And if you do (like I did) expect him to bypass Big in arrogance and become a Berger. meh.
studio apartments are cute! i wouldn't store sweaters in my stove but I put DVDs and Books in my kitchen cabinets. your home is you - decorate accordingly.
when you move in or let a man move in with you...get a big enough apartment to fit your collective shit and dont have white furniture, in case you decide to pour coffee on him when he embarrassingly casts you out of a family outing. coffee grounds are hard to get out and take repeat washings.
dont approach the ex-wife who is only the ex cause you were shtupping her man. even if you look hot shuttling down Lex in a newsprint mini dress.
date your city. get to know it, find the nooks you like and cuddle there. don't begrudge its annoying tendencies, try to endear yourself to its idiosyncrasies - once you love your city, it'll love you back.
love your friends, in good and in bad. be willing to tell them the truth, whole and nothing but and expect to hear it back. support them in their wins and losses, never judge or cause undue pressure.
when you FALL down, flat on your face, even dressed to the nines with H. Klum about to trample you with her big German feet and former Mayor Koch following suit, get your ass RIGHT BACK UP, flash a smile and sashay up and down and off that runway.
its ok to be obsessed with stuff - im obsessed with books, carrie is with shoes - if it makes you happy, can't be that bad...

i could go on.

most of SATC didn't sink in until my relationship started getting funky and finally ending. it makes alot of sense now and having this movie come out as i enter this next phase of life not only as a single grown ass woman but as a woman who has loved and lost love and now embarking on a more mature, successful and adventurous life filled with risk, tempation and challenges - i'm finding comfort in knowing ten years later, you can count on them to bring the LOLs and tears.

welcome back ladies.

party time. excellent.

2008-05-28T16:22:00.001-07:00

tidbits from memorial day weekend...

its beyond last call, one sunset on sunset blvd.
sunday night before memorial day.
2 sheets to the wind...ok to drive, lets say 75% ok to drive. keep the seatbelt on, stay under 45.
trying to make it before last call to jon's bday party- what would have been the 8th event of the day.

me staring into empty bar: aw..is that it?
bouncer: yep. that's it. she left you.
me: wha?
bouncer: she left you ,she gone.
me: wha-what?
bouncer: you look like a strong confident woman.
me: IM NOT A LESBIAN!!
bouncer: (puzzled)
me: just because im wearing jeans and a sweater on a sunday night and approaching this club you think i'm a lesbian?
bouncer: Im sorry.
me: nothing to be SORRY about per se, even if I was. But I like men. Ok? If that's any of your business. I really love boys. ALOT.
bouncer: sorry ma'am.
me: AND IM NOT OLD...so don't give me the ma'am, I'm 28 years old.
bouncer: miss..
me: ok. (vision becomes slightly blurry) have a good night.

then i proceed to turn over in my shoe and nearly fall.

tip your waitress

but my hair looked AMAZING!

and I apologize if I misspell Thoryn's name, but he was a right bit hammered himself

they both were...we ALL WERE.

these DJs spun good shit

who KNEW Ocean Ave. got it crackin'

and hel-lo...

greg and i bonded over our mutual admiration for IRON MAN. the only person beside the other twos who kept me laughing hysterically was this guy. Mary Anne swears he's gay. I don't care, I dont want to kiss him!! I want to sit on the floor and build lego playhouses with him and talk about movies. newsflash: women can find men attractive and NOT want to have sex with them.

single and fabulous? o look you can see some of james' bitch wagon.

total bar rampages that night - 7
how many people did i run into - 15

there is a layer of fat that schwartz and i believe we have developed from drinking
"talk to your boy vince vaughn about that..."

oh yea and vince vaughn PLEASE stop following me.

maxim hot 100

2008-05-28T00:12:00.000-07:00

had the pleasure of being invited this little soiree on the paramount pix lot...was last wednesday and after a jovial chat w/ mv director dave meyers and his lovely wife nicki, headed over and so it began, ran into probably 100 people, so much kissing and hugging and "lets have lunch, k?" (not to mention BBM's)that I am amazed I was up and at 'em very early the next day.

MLA scorecard

2008-05-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

2

what?

it was a busy week.

;)

play date

2008-05-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

i had a spontaneous playdate w/ my fauxphew jack bartkus.

this kid means business.

in the total of 3 hours we played w/ over 20 different toys and i answered the question, SOLE question "is it working?" with "No" about 30 times before it was a triumphant YES.

"How bout now?"

we built what i've endearingly called " the jack d. bartkus water park and recreational activity center"

how do Mom's do it? i remember being his age, inquisitive, into EVERYTHING but what makes him different, and something I can identify with - we love our mom's and will obey their word and then punish them for it.

he's obedient, intrigued and knows how to use a screwdriver and install batteries. a son born of a gadget gangsta. he's amazing.

a couple times he punched, for no good reason, just because. schwartz leans into him " jack, say you're sorry..." "sowwwy wynta" ugh. heartbreaking, hearing a child speak. its the most beautiful thing in the world.

and his toys...dude, schwartz has given this kid a department store to play in...

i dont even know what the hell this thing is for...

but keeping up after this kid? worked the hell out of my thighs and abs. bending down and picking up and guiding around and chasing and ohmigod dont run into the street and o lord, you're hungry for wha-wha-what?? butter noodles? and juice? jeez kid, tummy of steel. what's that? is it ready? and he's clever that one..."hey...hows it going" he asks in broken baby english as he checks up on my ace toy building skills. "goin' great JD, just fine honey"

we played tents, i couldn't squeeze into this baby tent, but when he got in and started to close it saying "ok, thanks, bye." my cold brittle heartbroken heart...pieced itself back together and restored my faith that men are born gentle, women adoring warriors.

blame video games and carbs for their downfall.

so poof, vamoose sonafabitch.

2008-05-26T12:50:00.000-07:00

i was laying on schwartz's grass in her awesome backyard.

too many vodka's had set in w/ the balmy sun and i was totally in my head about everything.
thinking of my life so far, what i want, how to move forward, how to get past loss, how i feel about my rebirth, my social life and how does one manage it while not ruining their face (vanity) and my palms started sweating, heart palpitating. here comes schwartz with a mini ipod beatbox. "wanna hear some music, dude?" she throws on some tunes and the first song to come up is the 311 song, "all mixed up". reminds me of being 15 when i first heard this song on live 105 and being all mixed up was becoming something of a fashion for me.

literally, sitting on the grass, watching the fauxphew drive his fake lawn mower around the yard, it occurred to me the lyrics of the song...

You've got to trust your instinct, and let go of regret. You've got to bet on yourself now star 'Cause that's your best bet

So that's what I'm gonna do...

The simplicity of watching this kid, laying on the grass in a quiet neighborhood at my best friend's house, career is going great, things are shaping up nice, I lost 10 lbs. and this kid, just born not even 2 years ago - he got the biggest kick out of playing with that faux-mower while it would have held my attention for 2 seconds before I was looking for my cocktail.

these are simple pleasures, small stuff...life is great again.

So I'm trusting my instinct, letting go of regret and betting on myself.

allow me to welcome you to the
Summer of Wynter,

musings w/ mnky

2008-05-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

adrenalynqueen (11:40:47 AM): i didn't see it yet

smrtmnky (11:57:00 AM): http://gawker.com/393001/whos-the-gay-movie-idol

adrenalynqueen (12:13:16 PM): i hate blind items

adrenalynqueen (12:13:18 PM): just tell us

adrenalynqueen (12:13:30 PM): you can show us britney's beefy vag

adrenalynqueen (12:13:37 PM): but you can't tell us who the gay drug addict is

adrenalynqueen (12:13:37 PM): fuckl

smrtmnky (12:13:53 PM): haha

smrtmnky (12:14:12 PM): one's slander and the other is just beefy vag

adrenalynqueen (12:14:19 PM): HAAAAAA

adrenalynqueen (12:14:23 PM): dont forget

adrenalynqueen (12:14:30 PM): seeing her beefy vag was slanderous to my eyes

smrtmnky (12:15:03 PM): your human rights were violated

adrenalynqueen (12:15:26 PM): ill never forget how i felt when i saw that

adrenalynqueen (12:15:32 PM): like i was being punished

smrtmnky (12:41:47 PM): got your punishment right here http://vice.typepad.com/vice_magazine/2008/05/dear-vice---dan.html#more

adrenalynqueen (12:56:39 PM): i love that there is ALWAYS a PS in letters to boyfriends

adrenalynqueen (12:56:45 PM): its so ridiculous

adrenalynqueen (12:56:52 PM): merge it into the main letter

adrenalynqueen (12:57:00 PM): i dont think any many has ever finished a letter

adrenalynqueen (12:57:03 PM): with his mind made up

adrenalynqueen (12:57:06 PM): then saw the ps and went...

adrenalynqueen (12:57:08 PM): OH...

adrenalynqueen (12:57:13 PM): WELL NOW THAT I READ THIS PART.
smrtmnky (12:581:47 PM): HAHAHAH

ive probably seen "knocked up" 43 times.

2008-05-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

it doesn't get old.

and even though i've never been pregnant, or had babydaddy drama, i still understand the idea of getting in a relationship with someone who is your exact opposite and developing a love for that person--even though they act like a total fucking idiot.

it occurred to me as i was driving home that this shit is hard. this "living" shit. no one falls in love to imagine their break up and possible ensuing divorce proceedings. its cliche for me to say, if i knew breaking up would be this hard, i would have never fell in love.

i think that every other day.

then i thought about writing about it here, because most people cower behind the mask of a happy fancy free single life. everything is bubbly and driving w/ the top down to gwen stefani and dancing, drinking and makeovers. yea i'm doing all that. but still.

AND how crazy is it now that babies and marriage are in vogue? all these pretty pregnant celebrities just getting knocked up and then have elaborate yet hushed nuptials behind opulent manses. SO. ANNOYING. its a fashion, just like stirrups and slap bracelets it will go away and then rear its head later on in the 20-teens. it wasn't "fashionable" EVEN 2 years ago for some of these assholes to be a parent. which means in 2 years i could be all eff it and become a career super bitch devoid of carnal instinct.

whatever, that's a basic instinct for me. as important as sight.

so now i'm obsessed with getting married and starting a family. to the point that i am starting to think of out clauses in the event this doesn't happen; freezing eggs, adoption, one night stand with someone incredibly smart and hot.

who am i kidding, i will get married, i will have kids. i am thinking too far ahead because basically if i had a baby right now, i'd be so screwed.

i am not a coward when it comes to falling in love, i will do it again.

where is joe e. tata in all of this???

2008-05-19T14:34:00.000-07:00

smrtmnky (2:23:36 PM): http://gawker.com/391797/new-90210-looks-unbearably-awfulwonderful oh no

adrenalynqueen (2:26:04 PM): this looks like a fake ad in a movie

adrenalynqueen (2:26:10 PM): so something fake inside somethign fake

adrenalynqueen (2:26:19 PM): the hot girl lives in my girl's bedroom

adrenalynqueen (2:26:25 PM): building

adrenalynqueen (2:26:27 PM): not her bedroom

adrenalynqueen (2:26:28 PM): eesh

smrtmnky (2:26:53 PM): the canadian girl?

adrenalynqueen (2:27:00 PM): annalynne mccord

adrenalynqueen (2:27:05 PM): who was on nip tuck

adrenalynqueen (2:27:05 PM): BTW

adrenalynqueen (2:27:09 PM): best comment so far

smrtmnky (2:27:12 PM): not the girl from degrassi?

adrenalynqueen (2:27:15 PM): Where the F is Joe E. Tata in all this?

adrenalynqueen (2:27:18 PM): hahahahah

adrenalynqueen (2:27:23 PM): hahahahahahahahaha

adrenalynqueen (2:27:32 PM): im just in a giggly mood cause that was so hilarious to me

smrtmnky (2:28:15 PM): never watched 90210

smrtmnky (2:28:29 PM): too fake; i liked the grounded reality and gravitas of MP

smrtmnky (2:29:38 PM): that tristan wilde guy is wayover tanned

adrenalynqueen (2:30:30 PM): ok i loved 90210

adrenalynqueen (2:30:40 PM): but only until doherty left

adrenalynqueen (2:30:45 PM): then it was TRASHTASTIC after that

adrenalynqueen (2:30:48 PM): and MP was my favorite too

adrenalynqueen (2:30:57 PM): because once locklear arrived, they go serious

adrenalynqueen (2:31:08 PM): marcia cross 4-eva

smrtmnky (2:31:23 PM): blow. shit. up

smrtmnky (2:31:32 PM): that's how you keep things fresh, nigel

adrenalynqueen (2:31:35 PM): take. off. wig.

adrenalynqueen (2:31:40 PM): reveal. big ass. scar

adrenalynqueen (2:31:54 PM): she brought the LOLs

smrtmnky (2:32:17 PM): fuck yeah

adrenalynqueen (2:32:46 PM): god bless you AND the internet

adrenalynqueen (2:33:03 PM): i remember when i saw this scene

adrenalynqueen (2:33:04 PM): i was like

adrenalynqueen (2:33:13 PM): OHHHMAHGOD

adrenalynqueen (2:33:59 PM): i love how the person who posted the video called this one of the most defining momentsi n tv history

smrtmnky (2:34:39 PM): fuck the moon landing, bitches

smrtmnky (2:36:36 PM): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69OLTzG0hQk&feature=related

smrtmnky (2:36:40 PM): not too bad, actually

smrtmnky (2:37:46 PM): seriously, she's created two of the most awesome characters in tv. and you don't think about it off the top of yourhead.

adrenalynqueen (2:37:59 PM): ill tell you

adrenalynqueen (2:38:04 PM): she called once when i worked at WMA

adrenalynqueen (2:38:11 PM): and this was like seriously...

adrenalynqueen (2:38:23 PM): between teh time she made the pilot for DH

adrenalynqueen (2:38:32 PM): which was like 9 months of time you know for them to neg and buy and whatever

adrenalynqueen (2:38:39 PM): but this was just AFTER she tested

adrenalynqueen (2:38:52 PM): and she was called like every day trying to find out what's going on with the pilot and thes cript

adrenalynqueen (2:38:59 PM): and her agent was like "i hope you get it...i really do"

adrenalynqueen (2:39:13 PM): and she was like "well..if i dont, ill just finish my degree and continue opening my practice"

adrenalynqueen (2:39:18 PM): she was going to become a psych

smrtmnky (2:39:22 PM): i know!!

adrenalynqueen (2:39:23 PM): because her career was DEAD

adrenalynqueen (2:39:33 PM): and then i saw her at OSH

smrtmnky (2:39:37 PM): which is crazy cause she was so good

adrenalynqueen (2:39:40 PM): I KNOW

adrenalynqueen (2:39:46 PM): its just weird

adrenalynqueen (2:39:50 PM): i like rooting for her

adrenalynqueen (2:39:54 PM): cause she has served me well

adrenalynqueen (2:39:57 PM): she brings the lulz

adrenalynqueen (2:40:02 PM): and i support that

smrtmnky (2:40:03 PM): i still watch DH forher

adrenalynqueen (2:40:18 PM): me too

smrtmnky (2:40:20 PM): even when it teetered on stupid, she can bring it w/o any effort

adrenalynqueen (2:40:21 PM): she was good last night

adrenalynqueen (2:40:27 PM): i mean hatcher

adrenalynqueen (2:40:29 PM): im sorry

smrtmnky (2:40:30 PM): i'm gonna watch the finale right now

adrenalynqueen (2:40:39 PM): she does NOTHING NADA ZIP ZXERO ZILCH FOR ME

smrtmnky (2:41:05 PM): hatcher's goo?

smrtmnky (2:41:08 PM): good

adrenalynqueen (2:41:49 PM): NO HATCHER SUX

pants off dance off

2008-05-18T23:47:00.000-07:00

oh...and i was able to take take off my fat jeans without unbuttoning them.

things are looking up! a bikini in july seems very possible folks.

oh don't fret, it'll be amazing.

gossip girl (in my bed)

2008-05-18T22:51:00.000-07:00

we were just laughing hysterically
and i'm loving my unprocessed hair for summer.

gossip girl - look i'm obsessed all of the sudden. with the resurgence of all this crap that is being remade when it was original only 15 years ago...i'm impressed with this show that no one is watching. because it goes to that place i wish 90210 and swan's crossing and fifteen would go but didn't. sex, drugs, spending daddy's money...loves it.

since i've become single again, i've been ultra busy and kept in good company. there's not one day that doesn't go by that i dont have a phone call, BBM, text or email that i need to return or answer. its expensive my lifestyle, but the 401K retrieval is going to assist in this. i've been focusing on being positive and i got a great reading at our event yesterday by the numerologist. who basically said i was like this golden child on this planet. i was born to take over something and do really well and money is going to be piled up in a spare room like that scene in "Blow". She said my spirituality is an issue for me that I fight. Its been that way since birth, I'm not a church person. But she said not to worry, I'm spiritual and I will find a place to express that later in life after I've conquered this first part, becoming self realized.

i'm out every night, so much that i have a clean apartment save for the Kilimanjaro sized pile of laundry that needs to be folded. im not lonely, i don't feel alone - i feel overwhelmed by the love and support and that makes me sort of shy.

hung out with jennifer tonight at the grove. we did the usual - our lives over dinner and drinks. she is the best, love her to pieces. i talked to her about the strange email that i was inadvertantly (or at least i want to think) cc'd on. goddamn the cc.

she is a voice of reason i can agree with and since she knew FL and had an affection for him as she lost a parent at a young age too, and felt rage like FL did and does she had plenty to say. she was surprised when i said that it was the death knell in my sympathy for him. the email content is separate issue it was the manner in which it sent (drunkenly), and in comparison to the email sent TO him by my partner in mehab, maryanne, it was ridic and just so very predictable and disappointing.

i know what to do next time (im in love) and unfortunately it means being a little less carrie/samantha and alot more charlotte/miranda. less available, less willing to be a push over and quick to forget. i identified something too, that we had to get drunk in order to relate and then we'd end up fighting. what kind of shit is that?

i gotta put my foot down and not put up with shit because my belief in LOVE is just that - a belief that for better or worse you must love someone in spite of their faults and they will love you back. plus, my all or nothing approach to matters of the heart is not a bad thing. i loved him more than i've ever loved anyone (Besides family) in my whole life. he just did it for me, all the way. and the things that bothered me most, his issues with his family (whom i felt were intrusive and judgy) and protecting me were things i constantly tried to work with him on, gave him space with and often felt were my issues.

nope, that email just proved that his issues are entirely unique to one person: him. plus again, i was embarrassed in front of someone who didn't need to know that side of him. thankfully she is a pro and its no sweat off her nose, but the moment i saw the email - like i said a few posts ago, i was horrified and sick to my stomach. then within a few days, relief. its not me - its him. i dont know where his head's at, but i know where mine is.

when we met i was in this place - freedom. freedom from feeling like i am not good enough, pretty enough or happy enough. not that he was abusive in that sense, he was very complimentary of me. but when you are in a relationship that's entirely too dependent you just start feeling like you HAVE to say those things to that person or you know what happens when its not said. as a matter of fact, i felt THAT way with the person i was casually see when i met him.

as much as i could have a comment or a great email to write in response to that fuckery i dont really have a comment. my response is simply in my being quiet. there is nothing to say, i am ME, happiness is not sunshining out of my ass, but i can think clearly about who I am. and lets just say, i wont be emailing him drunk one night reducing our relationship to a terribly tasteless joke, to a person i've never met. now its clear why my friends are telling me i seem really happy and back to my old self. im not my old self, i'm just me free of drama.

there is fun drama, like oh i got another ticket or oh there's a lizard in my bedroom WAAHH and then theres stay up till 4 in the morning and my tears are flowing and i'm tryna make it right drama. lately, if i'm up till 4am its because i'm having the time of my life.

meh.

jenn and i were pretty good about dinner, though i had 2 bellinis. she makes me laugh so hard. and we talked about sunday box office which is my favorite topic of discussion. plus she also talked about dr. retardo her ex who is on a very popular, critically lauded, ratings challenged sitcom. that's his MO. he's gross and i've met him at chateau once or twice. not a looker, but that's not her fault. she talked of how she avoided gossip blogs because of his growing popularity due to a movie he was in that sort of performed below expectations. natch. sounds like their relationship.

tom cruise died!

2008-05-17T20:46:00.001-07:00

My beta fish I bought last year passed away sometime between yesterday and today. All I know is that I went to say good morning to him and he was face up, tail down stone cold dead.

meanwhile the other beta i inherited from a neighbor, Golum (FL named him) is floating around like tony soprano happy his arch nemesis is outro. for good.

i cried for about 4 minutes. i really loved tom cruise, i said good morning to him everyday and talked to him and he let me pet him. meanwhile that other little bastard makes no contact, hides in his weeds and i only see his ugly face when he needs to be fed. I may rename him Beowulf.

RIP Tom Cruise.

Its not lost on me that I bought you at a time that I felt an immense sense of loss, last summer and now you are up in the heavens wishing me well as I enter this new stage of life, full on independence and adulthoo.d you are swimming happily in a place where overheating wont kill a fish. I'm sorry I left the blinds open, forgive me.

work it

2008-05-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

Kim Lyons RAWKS. she's the trainer on Biggest Loser and one of the featured trainers at out event. She kicked my ass. Today we had an event on the beach in Santa Monica to celebrate our Body & Soul issue out this week.

I got there at 9am and started my first class at 10a. It was her Lower Body Booty Camp. OMG. So fucking hard, I think the fact that so many other people were struggling too made me feel somewhat like a champion. It felt good to work out on the beach and the weather was PERFECT, 85 sunny, not a cloud, fun.

I did 3 classes in all, yoga, pilates and then Harley Pasternak who does the 5 Factor diet continued to kick my ass with circuit training and then we ran back and forth to the shore. Seriously, they were superior and the event went off w/o a hitch. Very fun

I bought her book which I'm going to fold into my fitness routine and I got to talk to her about my goals and what I find works best. She essentially told me stuff I already knew, but its her authority and the fact that she used to be 40 lbs overweight that made me think " Hmm...she has a really good point.."

Here it is...

1 - work out in the am
2- do full body strength work outs 2 times a week, split it up the other 2 days
3- 40 minutes of cardio - PERIOD.
4- and thats AFTER your strength training, which is 20-30
5- listen to your body.
6- 5-6 mini meals a day, 4-500 calories per meal or 700 one meal, blah blah you know the rest
7- set mini goals (when i told her my goal weight, she felt like it was too LOW! she said she saw me having lean muscles and focusing on strengthening my lower body while keeping my upper body and core toned)
8- for a good jumpstart? work out in the AM and PM.

my favorite quotes of her "my family has a history of depression. my sister chose pills, I chose pilates" "get off your ASS, this is why america is fat, we dont try hard enough and its one hour out of day - if you can't make time for that, think about what you make time for and if that's making you feel any better."

i was so excited to talk to her and just share my issues with getting in shape and how it feels like a neverending battle..."and it is..." she said "there are some morning i just dont want to get out of bed or do anything...i'm human" she was essentially saying that she has to bust her ass to stay in shape and she like most people want to give up. the problem is that MOST of us do give up and give in to temptation.

it blew my mind all the info she offered and she gave me her email to follow up with her. i told her that i want to take a picture just like the one above in 6 months so she can see my transformation.

"you better! i'm serious!" she offered.

encouragement. if you can't get it from the one you want it from most, there is always someone there to give you a leg up.

diversify my funds? eff that, just gimme the money...

2008-05-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

me: i need to cash out...
rep: ok...its subject to blahblahblahblahblahblabhlavbhvlbllabh.
me: right, its losing money anyway...
rep: ok...but you realize blahblabhablabhabvlb
me: yea, so i get the check when?
rep: tuesday.
me: thank you.

i dont really care that i just cashed out my 401K to treat myself to the best summer i've never had.

you know i deserve it.

may
satc screening party
memorial day wknd - rafting

june
vegas - ali melnick's bday
big sur - jake's bday
london

july
nyc - mehab fact finding trip. (!!!) and to party w/ east coast chapter of the circle of trust.

august
outside lands 3 day fest in SF

sept
tulum/sayulita
mario & cara's wedding - mexico?

rogan at target

2008-05-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

i had the pleasure of being invited to the rogan @ target event last night held at barney's in beverly hills. it was my favorite kind of event, booze and shopping.

i was there representing the 'zine, but i was more or less there to not think about how much people cross boundaries. i found out my boss wrote FL. i dont know why my boss is all up in my business! what possessed him to have the gumption to do that -- it made me bawl at my desk questioning whether to take my tear soaked face to the event. is nothing sacred? even the tattered dress that is my former relationship? apparently not in LA. obvi....the worst part is later that night i was cc'd on an unusual email from him to my partner. then i woke up this morning w/ a stomachache and dry mouth from anxiety- the fact that I had not felt like this in almost 2 months is telling...

RE: last night, ive found i have the most courage and conviction when i am angered and im possessed to make change (and i've had a lil' of the ol' bubbly) so i went to the event armed w/ some cash and a plan: to talk about mehab. i ran into gabby union and sanaa lathan and they remembered me from my wma days toiling under his darkness

(sidebar: still haven't decided whom i would want to play his darkness in my movie...

either

OR

)

anyway...i talked up the site...told them how the plan is for it to be like oprah.com but lighter, funnier, smarter and younger. that's the hook. it will have the functionality to do everything that site does but on a smaller more focused scale. it will celebrate beauty in all shapes and forms and champion women who are kicking ass. it will be a digi-ass kicking for women who are just not living their best life and they need to know - THIS IS IT. there is no see you next time when it comes to living. so lets just live.

sanaa and gabby were DOWN. that was music to my ears. they were SO down in fact they gave me their emails and told me to just say the word and its on. see. this is how it should be done. be passionate, talk about your projects, be sincere. i knew to whom i was bantering with, these women are my idols - i ADORE them and have done so for nearly 10 years. i let them know, you are out there representing black women and i ADMIRE you for that day in, day out. they were funny and commented about my desire for a weave, "girl just get one...get on with it" how im desperately trying to flee the gutters of hollywood and build something i can be proud of. they admitted how they are trying to hold the black community together even as they try to focus on their careers. sanaa admitted she was doing the new earth on oprah.com but then i told her "what if there was a new earth that spoke to women who were going to school, high or college and then trying to navigate transitioning from their 20's to 30's?" her eyes widened. she loved it. that made me feel amazing. i wake up everyday knowing im closer to the apex of success when i talk about it to people and how i feel like THIS is the thing i need to be doing. i'm being driven to do it. they informed me that i need to make a conscious effort to continue to move forward w/ my life and told me "girl, don't worry - you will be ok - you're beautiful, get out of this phase which wont last much longer and then proceed to just work it." we exchanged emails, they introduced me to others and talked up mehab on MY behalf.

seriously.

mena suvari, kidada jones, all were totally fascinated and excited to hear about my pet project that im turning into an empire. ran into SO many people as per usual, the DJ was great and i barely had any appetizers i was so wound up from excitement. oh and the clothes. WELL of course the clothes were fab.

rogan's

his line is clean and funky but these were basics. i grabbed up 4 shirts that totally screamed Weird Science 1985. the 80's are back...sigh...AGAIN. but its like more late 85-87. a good fashion period for me. oh and he said "i love what you are doing, we'll be in touch..." and handed me his card. so there you go. SUCCESS.

this is good.

new math

2008-05-14T20:31:00.000-07:00

it takes half the time you were in a relationship to get over him...
- charlotte, sex and the city.

let me turn on my LOLcat: o sister - bb i haz no tymes 4 that shiite.

grey goose gotcho gurl feelin' loose...

2008-05-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

if you're in vegas that weekend, you MAY want to be here. my girl allison is the premier promoter-ess of LA ( i used to go to her clubs back in 02 when i first landed in LA, she was TOUGH, now she's coming to my parties and i'm pulling her past the velvet rope.) i was always nice to her even if i didn't get in, but the nights i did get it, it was amazing, coming to LA from SF where I bet on being in the crowd of A-listers and having that happen opened my eyes!

i rubbed shoulders with so many celebs its important you do this as soon as you get to LA if you so desire so the starstruckness deflates the longer you are here.

look, if you live in LA you want to be around the people that do the same things you do and more...and you want to have a base, a network of people you can rely on to help you navigate and make shit happen. she makes shit happen. i can't even tell you about her latest project, its just gonna be fire. bottom line. end of story. first rule of HOLLYWOOD LIVING, be nice TO EVERYONE you never know when you'll need to deal with them again. i learned this the hard way but i've redeemed myself several times over.

now that i'm trying to get substantially good events set up for the magazine, i gotta say membership has its rewards. i've earned the right to be a VIP at her party - and i'm milking that sonofabitch like there's no tomorrow.

going to vegas w/ a comped room - which is pretty nice for a girl who doesn't do vegas - EVER - haven't been in over 8 years. i was either 19 or 20 when i last touched down. that was the saddest trip ever. we DROVE and i had NO $. never again like that.

now i've got comped room, food, vip parties, and a pool. all i need is some toned abs, thighs and a nice little tan and i'm so happy. SO SO happy.

that's my fucking a-ha moment of the day.

Trust is a drunk driver's highway, darling. TAKE THE BUS.

2008-05-14T17:50:00.000-07:00

being a bitter betty is not a good look and it certainly makes my makeup run on occasion.

officially not bitter.

SHIA LEBOUF BACK SHOT

le sigh....

Thanks to everyone for reminding me how my taste in men makes it a total buyer's market. That doesn't really do anything for my sensitivities right now but its nice to know that there is a supply that can meet my demands.

Too soon.

Meanwhile how much am I loving Madge's new album. A whole lot.

return of the only song i sang all summer of 2005

2008-05-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

the remix.

more tales from the City

2008-05-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

its 2am, i'm dancing w/ like 20 hot sweaty people while sandwiched between 2 gays in the living room of the house party, to Trans DF Express by Dungeon Family, with volume on blast at 20 - and everyone knew the words: "i'm sharing my spaghetti with...the lady and the tramp, the mystery, the myth..."

going to badlands in castro w/ smrtmnky and hearing every remixed version of a popular female solo artist or female hip-hop duos song while watching all the daddy's and bears dancing their ASSES off.

going to yoshi's and complaining to my younger sister. who is growing up to be quite a wise young lady.

the seven layer dip at the post cinco de mayo party

me: i've been to this house before!
jh: i probably ditched you here
me: you probably did!

seeing common at the airport as he serenely watched the celtics versus the cavs.

open your golden gate

2008-05-12T23:22:00.001-07:00

revelations

i simply love the SF crew. they are just absolutely the best friends a girl could ever have and they make coming home very fun.

house parties rule - just nice to not have to pay for cocktails and then there's the promise of some sort of dip.

sunday breakfasts w/ the crew is always such a fun and interesting situation. its the extension of the walk of shame minus all the dirtiness that comes with it.

sunday afternoon at zeitgeist

the boys will never (EVER) let me forget about the time that i puked at some dot com (former) millionaire's house on potrero hill in '02. not only in his house, but his closet, his bathroom wastebasket and kitchen floor then proceeded to spill his dog food all over the entry to the front door. then i vomited outside on his sidewalk. you're welcome.

they also won't let me forget just how terrible i am at managing my time. actually NO ONE will stop reminding me how bad my time management skills are.

print your flight itinerary. and check it. and be on time for your flight. and don't bring hair gel.

hair gel seems to REALLY piss TSA off.

there is a tranny now manning the LAX southwest baggage check area. and shim looks like buffalo bill

precious

dont ever try to just stop by your hometown and not expect to have to put in WORK w/ the parentals.

i never go anywhere when im out in SF but three places downtown, mission district, and castro.

happy mother's day mommy.

what kind of fuckery is this?

2008-05-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

audis are taking over the world. i bought a really old one, but i love it. its so cute and perfect for me for now.

james just bought a new bitch magnet. im sure he's well aware of how powerful it is and masculine and the interior is so femme and bitchy itself. ( a button to open the glove compartment? detail lights where your feet are, the MOST unflattering interior lights) its the 2007 A6. he's so metro. much like his designer sweater with daggers on it. i love that sweater, i love it more that he wears it when making presentations.

last night went to a party at petro zillia on 3rd st and met the owner, Nony, who is just a joy and a love. she invited me back to sit with her over tea when it wasn't so "krrazy in here. we must chat" i ran into lorena from silver spoon as...well as i was telling someone off. this bitch sat in her Audi on the phone as i waited PATIENTLY for her spot. finally after 4 minutes I crept up to her car and asked NICELY "you leaving at all?" and she looked at me, rolled her eyes and mouthed angrily "IM NOT LEAVING, GO!" like three times. She was on the phone and looked like she was getting dumped or blown off or told she has herpes. Who cares, she was being a beyotch. So i curled my lip, flared my nostrils, narrowed my eyes and....found a new parking spot.

then...as hard as I tried...I had to walk past her car, AN AUDI. I walked up to her windshield and pointed right at her and calmly mouthing each word "YOU. ARE. A. BITCH." she just mouthed WHATEVER and I realized that this could get uglier so I just wished her chlamydia in her throat and made it across the street and who walks around the corner, Lorena and her best friend Brandy. They look at me quizzically as I adjust my outfit to walk across the street. "What happ...wait I know you" she blurted as I looked sheepishly then defiantly, I just pointed at the girl in her car "She's a bitch, I was totally nice and she was nasty so I had to let her know....It's Wyn- from blahblah magazine" We laughed so hard and headed into the event, immediately accosted lovingly by Melnick, there were some Kardashians, and other celebutauntes. I dont know any of these people though I feel like I should. I'm old school, I remember the Rock Hudson saga in the Enquirer followed by Liberace then Freddie Mercury then Elizabeth Taylor's trash contents and Don Johnson as well.

I had some cheese, talked up mehab.com to some publicists and talked w/ Brandy as she explained to me her life in St. Joseph's. I was supposed to meet her. We talked about my memory of that place and how my ex is from the STL. She broke it down. She just understood and knew where I was coming from and why it was madness. She met her fiancee in HS, they broke up, he got married, divorced, they fell in love again and she wakes up in hot ass St. Joseph's with him. She said she moved there to be with him and she loves him enough to suffer for a while there. Good for her. Good for them.

i took friday and monday off to get my apartment organized and my files prepped. now that tax season is over i just want to conclude the spring cleaning before summer arrives. i did pretty well and really enjoyed waking up not having to think about going to work for once. i've been working so hard, i just needed a breaksky. i woke up to calls from sasa about going to san francisco and her hilarious new work on the black laguna beach show. and alta who was cruising in a taxi through brooklyn to her brother's place. this chick knows the meter of the world's psychological situation. when she calls all i want to do is just blather on and on about my shit and have her make sense of it. she said i sounded remarkable and strong. schwartz later called me from ny too, she's in town doing live shots on rachael ray and fox an her insight is ridic. she gave me another world class schwartz pep talk and a brief description of her last 3 days in the city, "i wish you were here so we could rock this place out, we'd take over" she said. dont i wish i was there too. im looking towards july to really torture myself when i visit. please let it top the 100s.

i'm determined. focused and functioning. i dont have time for sadness or dwelling. i'm living my best life for what i can do, right now. Less drinking would be nice, less tasty food everywhere would be nice too. But I would never tell the lord or my calendar NO when it comes to a decent party with cool people. why? this is why I moved to Los Angeles. To make a name and brand myself and I think I am doing really well with that. Now more than ever.

I've never been this busy before in my life...socially and professionally.

Lets look at whats gone down since the break up...

I got a boost at work, and more praise
I got interviewed in a magazine and online
I got my domain name and an investor
Parties, parties, parties
Concerts, concerts, comedy shows
Meeting the right people, making the right connections
Old friends like Sasa coming back into my life

Ha! If you go through a breakup, you WANT to be in my position. Would I prefer to have my relationship back and whole. Who wouldn't...do I hope for that? I'm too busy enjoying what's happening right at this moment.

That playlist to the right is going to be my way of communication how I feel about the whole thing as I move gingerly into this fun, sexy, sizzling summer of dating me. Loving me. Daring to be thoroughly modern and infallible.

Oh the diet and exercise? Going just fine, down inches all around, I'm at the gym every other day.

But I'm at some bar or club every other day too, but it goes hand in hand.

releasing demons

2008-05-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

"i woke up this morning miserable, and went to bed in love..."

Lorena B's friend Brandy visiting from St Joseph, MO. on her life there with 3 weeks till her june wedding

blurbs by m-a

2008-05-07T23:40:00.001-07:00

bottomline is, he'll never get sick of me. i'm sorry, thats just the way it is.

the guy from the at&t store called me today.
me: i hate when that happens.
its like, you did a good thing, you fixed my phone, i appreciate it, but that's as far as this goes.

like i care about his "fresh ass" apartment. its not even in a "penthouse" zone.

who picks that ringtone?

he called me twice, in like ten minutes. i just told the phone to stop him.

ohhmahgahd

2008-05-07T23:03:00.000-07:00

dorks.
love.

and i love how shia's shirt MAY be older than he is, which makes me 6 years older than him.
::imdbs shia labeouf...:::
::thinking::

yeup he was born in 1986 and i could cook eggs by then.

this is why i love people

2008-05-07T19:38:00.000-07:00

and this is why i love that these girls are friends of mine. the looks on their faces says it all. the gesture are sold separately.

dinosaur rap

2008-05-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

this is for hallie fryd...

hallie: …and what are we doing?..
wynter: getting faced tonight…
hallie: …and where we stayin…
wynter: my place tonight…”

—

our obsession w/ the “Dinosaur Rap” from “Whitest Kids U Know”

bitter is the new hilarious with the peanut gallery

2008-05-06T17:56:00.001-07:00

recent comments from my best friends:

schwartz: (pregnant pause) well...how would he know? no really! I dont think he even knows how to know. give him a break.

biggles: good to hear! im just so glad i dont have to hear about dude anymore.

m-a. s: ohmygod stop crying!!! you are strong! who the fuck cares he's on a different planet, where the fuck is antigua by the way?

my sister: aw, gosh i never realized how cute he was! oh well...can't do worse right?

mando via im:
smrtmnky: where's wonka?
adrenalynqueen: argentina
smrtmnky: oh they like to fuck alot down there
adnrenalynqueen: omahgod please dont make me kill you
smrtmnky: o sorry...to fuck means make sandwiches down there...yes? no?

mattie: darling you're doing remarkable this go round--can only imagine how your work will be when you meet someone new...so get on that

ginsky via IM: now you got it...keep it up! lets see how far you get w/o an assault and battery charge - dem's just jokes...

cara on facebook: i noticed you posted a new favorite book, does that one at least have zombies in it?

mario to schwartz (during popsugar/tech crunch event) : wynter always has these white boys following her around

sasa via iphone: seriously? since when did we become so nosy! since forever!

random who has never met FL but always asks about him like they were buddies: where's your man
me: we broke up
ra: for real this time?
me: uh, yea.
ra: no, really? oh. ok i wont ask anymore, nice guy.

other: he didn't step up.
me (confused): well he had to prove it to me before anyone else.
other: yea, he couldn't prove it to himself though
me: agreed
other: then why would you want that?

craigslist forums in early april:
a haiku for kweenofeverything

he left.
youre here.
alone.
get the
picture.

me: trust me, its crystal clear the high definition quality of this break up.

10 things about me

2008-05-06T17:49:00.001-07:00

1. i dont like liver or guts as a meal
2. i refused to change my cellular plan for fear i will be trapped even longer w/ sprint
so i suffer w/ 700 mins per month.
3. the only time i'm shy is when im being flirted w/
4. i've been shy 3 times in the last week
5. i learned about sex from playboy, players magazine and cinemax. start slow, sensual and then work it up to frenzied pace for the climactic porn style finish, complete with lots of oohs, aahs, and yeahs and a random trip to ralphs or visit from a one dimensional plumber.
6. my spelling (writing this blog does not count, im usually multitasking) is great. my grammar is not.
7. i used to make shrines to cultural icons so i can gain their energy
8. i like to be the first one to deliver bad news, which is why i wanted to be an anchorwoman
9. 4 of my friends are national news anchors
10. i once did something naughty to an ex in the restroom when i worked the graveyard shift at directv.

tuesday morning quarterback

2008-05-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

i hate that i saw iron man after everyone else. i'm one of the few people not worn weary because of the need for instant gratification. as soon as i saw cloverfield, i was fine. the anticipation of those 6 months before it came out had me salivating but the moment i saw it, i was satisfied and moved on.
it was excellent. i think the fact that i went to the gym and got in a good mini workout (30 cardio, 10 min stretch w/ abs) and then got my laundry done (praise jesus) was a miraculous effort due in part to my supplement program.

i take:

CLA
EFA
Collodial Mineral
Biotin
Milk Thistle
Selenium

at night I take Cascara Vargara (totally sic) for my bowels. too much info? well too damn bad. you should be regular too.

sex and the city movie postcard

2008-05-05T18:39:00.000-07:00

I made this. I'm proud of it.

iron man

2008-05-05T14:11:00.001-07:00

going to see it tonight. tried to go last night 2 times and get to arclight and its all sold out. hilarious. we trudged back to my car to attempt to go to citywalk (which i didn't REALLY want to do) and i kept passing this amazing black Infiniti, then I turned to james and said "wait, is this the same floor" and he replies with his signature laugh and "you don't tell anyone and i won't either...promise?"so this is obvi after a huge 420 sesh back at my place. we drove around the 5th floor parking 6 times. SIX TIMES.

well...i wont tell anyone else.

being each other's wingman is a gift and a curse. who better than to hang out with when you desire male companionship, its just easy - boys don't have as many hangups as women. and the girls that i'm friends with who have no hangups are busy being married, divorced, mother's, careers. i'm little miss newly single (must get a shirt for that) and really single like a rebirth of sorts and its seems difficult for me to just be a girl out flirting trying to catch bait. i can't do that. im dating myself. would i date me? not right now. in a few months i would, and i would feel lucky. ive learned so much about myself in the last 3 weeks. about what i'm capable of given my passion. of how i can effort change and decide whom i keep company with. i've done like a company re-org now that the co-ceo has bailed on the partnership. when you trim the fat, we're smarter, better, faster, stronger. plus having a boy that is your friend who knows you intimately but no longer is in my opinion the new black. you aren't concerned about feeling awkward with them cause how much more awkward can it get, you've seen the other's O face - so what's so hard about just bitching to each other and going out to parties?? nothing. its so easy. i think we're just glad we aren't breaking up with each other, cause we dont have to.

the curse is, i dont know how to not be awkward when he's picking up chicks, and NOT in that way where i'm jealous, just how do i navigate out of that situation cause its awkward. i'm not actively seeking sue right now - i'm taking it day by day and getting to REALLY know myself. i have no time for getting down w/ anyone. plus i have a plan...a big plan. THE plan of all plans. so i just walk away and go smoke a cigarette and hope i run into someone i know. which happens alot. being single is strange. im like craning my neck looking at boys, i caught myself being stalkerish with a BUS DRIVER in westchester yesterday as i drove schwartz's lexus back to her apartment. but im just looking. i can't open my mouth and do anything but talk about how mature i feel. how much i enjoy partying. how i wish i could negotiate partying w/going to the gym.

so many parties.

i luv luxe vehicles like schwartz'- nice smooth ride, of course i blew up the speakers she is happy about the mix i left for her "pyr8 bootie mixx 2008" and hanging w/ jack, that kid is golden.

the kid looks like my ex. its not his issue. so its not easy when i look at him, those big ol' green eyes trying to pierce my soul. he's so good at that. i like making faces at him and talking to him like he is an adult. babies are freakish, this baby belongs to one of my best friends, i can't believe she gave birth. i can't believe she lost all her baby weight. i can't believe i actually love her new man. schwartz and i will take a nerd over a stud any day. if god provides both which is a coup, we'll accept those too.

andy dugan called me a bad ass today. which i totally agree with. and to you my friend.

im twittering.

i slept like a baby last night. i think turning off the TV has something to do w/ it and i had a dream about my grandmother. she told me that she was very proud of me and this is key because every time she's stopped by my astral plane, she's been pissed. so it was incredibly gratifying to have her tell me she is very proud of me. i needed to feel that energy. i needed to connect to my ancestors.

i can already tell this week is gonna be just hectic. lunches, mother's day in san fran, events. ugh. i want to be on vacation. from reality.

the date is set however for vacation: august 29 - sept 6

i am heading out of the country.

i think i'm going to go to paris because my mom said it will make me cry and then to yucatan so i can swim.

aniston is my motivation. with biel's ass of course and beyonce's waist. thank you.

for cara

2008-05-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

the reason the zombie in the book story is so funny, because after 3 years you should just know someone well enough to not reduce them to a bargain bin novel wrapped in a brown paper bag presented on their birthday, the one where they officially don't feel like a child anymore. i should be treated like a regal princess, not housewife in tupelo, ms. its funny in that its sad and that was just one of the reason's it had to be over.

please.

songs i hate and now they mean something: vol 2

2008-05-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

Maroon 5
"Makes Me Wonder"

Verse]
I wake up with blood-shot eyes
Struggled to memorize
The way it felt between your thighs
Pleasure that made you cry
Feels so good to be bad
Not worth the aftermath, after that
After that
Try to get you back

[Bridge]
I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

[Chorus]
Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
(Yeah)
So this is goodbye

[Verse]
God damn, my spinning head
Decisions that made my bed
Now I must lay in it
And deal with things I left unsaid
I want to dive into you
Forget what you're going through
I get behind, make your move
Forget about the truth

[Bridge]
I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

[Chorus 1 + 2]
Give me something to believe in
[ Makes Me Wonder lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]

Cause I don't believe in you
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try (yeah)
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye

[Breakdown]
I've been here before
One day I'll wake up
And it won't hurt anymore
You caught me in a lie
I have no alibi
The words you say don't have a meaning
Cause..

[Bridge]
I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you and I...
And so this is goodbye

[Chorus 1 + 2]
Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you,
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true
Anymore Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye
So this is goodbye, yeah (x 3)
(Oh no)

urge to purge

2008-05-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

thursday night went to coco deville. new club not yet open next to STK on lacienega. met up with alison melnick and mary anne and had a few too many drinks and cigarettes. sat with laura prepon and her friends discussing being single. then i told them what just went down w/ my breakup . collective OH MY GOD's how can he do that to you?

ok, he didn't DO anything to me per se...he did what he wanted and it in turn affected me. deeply. and there is nothing i can do about it. throwing up my hands and wishing him well is about all i can stand for now. who the hell knows what FL is doing about his feelings, urges. i know that missing him is a lump in my throat. its like a sore throat which is something ive been actually nursing for what seems like almost 3 weeks. the smoking has got to come to an end.

i haven't hooked up, done the deed, gotten busy in a while and im not terribly crushed over it. i dont foresee this being an event very soon and im quite convinced that even if i do meet someone, it will be many dates before i let him hit it. i mean yikes, the thought is too fucking scary but i need to find a way to channel that sexual energy out. and working out doesn't count cause it makes you want it more. so its about GOD. turn to god. if my hands get too idle, i'm gonna freak out.

went to cara and mario's engagement party. im really happy for them. i think they make the cutest couple and they're funny and smart and engaging. cara said she read the blog and i felt really honored because i dont know who reads this and i just write it. just for therapy. to get stuff out of my brain. we made tons of cocktails and played guitar hero (see a theme) i love guitar hero by the way and i kicked ass on it last night. its rare but i did quite well. i made them a CD of mashups, you know to commemorate their merge. i'm SO clever.

the idea came to me after i found a mashup of maneater and easy lover. genius.

i didn't get a chance to clean my apartment which annoys me. i have shit everywhere unclean clothes, TOO many books, shoes most of which i dont know which fit or not. i need a day to myself besides the weekend.

"as soon as the world comes to its senses i'm going to travel"
- matt damon's deaf girlfriend in "the good shepherd."

more on this later, this is something i plan to do and i had a epiphany today that i'm just going to fucking do it already.

you should hate me now fun fact: my dad's retirement benefits from delta include free plane tickets for the rest of his life and that includes myself, my sister and mom. so buying tickets to go somewhere is not the problem.

songs i adore and now they REALLY mean something: vol 1

2008-04-29T11:27:00.001-07:00

there's more to life than this
bjork

come on girl
let's sneak out of this party
it's getting boring
there's more to life than this
it's still early morning
we could go down to the harbour
and jump between the boats
and see the sun come up

we could nick a boat
and sneak off to this island
i could bring my little ghettoblaster
there's more to life than this
but we'd have to rush back
to the towns best baker
to get the first bread of the morning
there's more to life than this

monday bloody monday

2008-04-28T15:27:00.000-07:00

woke up with a boot, NATCH ( i saw that coming and planned accordingly though)
woke up to the sound of a LIZARD shuffling around under my couch, NATCH.
window broke on passenger side car door, NATCH.

not freaking out. UN-NATCH.

look, a lizard will make you cry your eyes out when you weren't expect it to just be HANGING out in your studio. not enough room for me and geico so i had to do him in...RIP.

if FL was there, he would have freaked out too, so its not that i needed a man to help me sort this shit, it was more like i wish there was someone else w/ me at that moment who would have helped me through it. what is that, co-dependency? neediness? i dont know, no woman wants to battle a beast solo. seriously.

but im proud of myself for NOT freaking out. just taking each task by the horns and getting it sorted. i did and everything is great now, car purrs like a kitten, all my tickets I paid with my emergency credit card and the lizard is dead. I'm the lady of the flies.

i can only do what i can do and thats make arrangements and pray. the lord is on my side, he's simply calling attention to the following:

i need to...
1 - STOP GETTING FUCKING TICKETS. just stop it already. clean slate now, but get it together.
2 - clean my apartment! i can't have creepy shit taking up space, the apartment is not big enough to contain my fear or anxiety. im going to put shit into a suitcase and latch it up.
3 - save more money, spend less cash on bullshit.

if i can keep up this momentum....well possibilities are endless.

lmao

2008-04-26T21:50:00.000-07:00

saw chris rock last night at the gibson in universal studios. lets talk about why this was a coup and a half. first, i poorly planned for this event. i wanted to buy tickets, forgot, then remembered then forgot again. remembered this past wednesday and found some but left CC at home, remembered thursday but the person i was to buy them with was out of the office, remembered friday and NO TICKETS. well duh, the show was that night. why would there be more left. he's like the best comedian around. get your shit together wyn.

i stick my bottom lip out for the remainder of the day. the best way to settle this week from work-hell and hangover central ( i mean i went out 4 times this week!) is to LOL. i convinced ryan to come with me to the gibson box office and just go for it. my live nation insider GUY said he just sent the list over and there were no seats left. i feel like he was lying. either way, fuck it.

we arrived at 745 and kept repeating "its just mario joyner" since we knew he was opening. i got to the box office and watched this guy haggling the box office agent. ugh, i bet there are no tickets, i mumbled. but i stood patiently and finally he motioned to me... "sir? any tickets left?" singles or two? "well two" and there it was, 2 tickets left out of the whole show.

WORD.

$61.00, hundreds left than what was being advertised on CL or the brokers. you know what? fuck those guys. optimism folks wins all. i knew i was meant to see that show. and boy was he hilarious. this guy is spot on all the time and he knows whats annoying right now and finds it and pokes at it like a toddler discovering her wee wee or vag. he just goes there and is not afraid to freak out the room. he did a couple times. i love how he doesn't repeat and he will make fun of himself with pleasure. he's just a funny guy and i need to see someone being funny and real.
the douches that sat in front of us, were grade A 100% douches. totally drunk and acting BE-YOND obnoxious. kissing and fondling and sexual gestures, drinking beer out of plastic guitars, GET OUT OF HERE with all that.

i cannot repeat his jokes or replicate his delivery - you know his signature style so imagine him ranting about the current state of: politics, the government, black women and men, white women and men, his life, his wife and kids and racism. yep, he's ridiculously hilarious.
see this show if it comes to a town near you, chris rock is arguably one of my top 5 favorite comedians and I'm mildly attracted to him. its because he's an Aquarius, MAYBE, and because he's incredibly knowledgeable about people's idiosyncratic behavior. god bless him, he made my friday.

went to the chateau later on and it was dead, which is the way i like it. one french martini w/ james and ryan and some fries and calamari (BAD) and i was in bed by 2a. overall, good night.

boost. mobile.

2008-04-25T10:55:00.000-07:00

ive been so dedicated to this blackberry. i can't rip myself apart from it, so LAME. ive become that person.

madonna says she's sleeps w/ hers.

i signed up for twitter at the urgence of schwartz, she just insisted i use it. whatever, fine. so like every other web app 2.0 they always want to make sure you find out who else is using it (i.e., spread the word) as I looked up what other f(r)iends in my tech circle on gmail have it, i see that FL has signed up as well.

of course he would. why does his digital footprint have to cross paths w/ mine? he would never use this stuff before knowing me. i dont KNOW that but i'm going to assume it. i didn't add him, or look at his twitter. i am proud of not being psycho like that. i am fine doing what i am doing right now and that's being single w/o pining for him.

its what it is.

therapeutic jeans

2008-04-22T12:29:00.001-07:00

believe it or not, even thought most of what i write here is drivel. its been very therapeutic for me. 22 Days since FL left. In those 22 days I've become a wee bit ornery, anxious and obsessive but in the right way. preventing a breakdown is about all i can do right now and i think im doing just fine. low-profile while focusing on work and me-self. i'm still funny, engaging and overall content, but i'm not happy about stuff when it comes to him and while i can look at the pix i left up of us just for the sake that i dont want to bury the boy, i can't help but get a little pissed off at him.

after a glorious nap, i went to the gym last night at 930 and think this is something i could get used to pending i dont have another engagement.

its not a secret that when i get depressed, i pig out. i let myself pig out a little after he left but got serious around the 11th of this month. already i notice a difference.

this makes me love my body and i can't even believe i am writing that. i love how it contours and my hips are very sexual and womanly. another 3 inches off of them and they are perfect. i love my legs, how they are long and when they get toned it looks like a loose bow. i like my shoulders how they become defined and broad and strong. my waist nips in slowly but sure and gets very tiny, i can wear a six waist now. scared that i go down anymore my waist will be really tiny. that look sort of scares me. i do hate the stares and looks when my body gets in shape. its the way my gf jenn described seeing jessica biel walking her dog in brentwood "her ass is like its own universe" that's hot to me, not for her. I love it! i want that back back

more good news...i fucking love my house of dereon jeans that i got from ross. i wish i could find them again, i want 2 more pairs. they fit my body perfectly.

tonight, going to the kanye west after party, can't make the show at the nokia theatre. BUMMED about the show, STOKED about the party. its back at goa. i said i'd never step foot in there again and i'm hoping i dont have to say that twice after tonight. i'll go to the gym after work, put in some hardcore cardio and a mini full body work out, back home, rest a bit, shower, do my hair, makeup, outfit which is very cute, very ashlee simpson, then out the door to meet james who's my date for the night. he's become a good companion to have as your wingman.

thank god goa is like 5 minutes away. thank god my throat hurts a bit so i can't drink that much. thank god tomorrow is wednesday. and thank god i did my taxes. oh god, heres more...

i am beginning to see clearly now. perspective. i miss him, i totally do but he was getting on my nerves with his actions and all i could do was punch him or cry. no other choice. once it gets to the point where you feel you've done SO much for that person and they feel the same but yet no one can agree, its a nightmare. i feel better, im glad im so busy and focused. i can't think about anything else but being a survivor and not a victim.

stratus-phere

2008-04-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

the event did not go off without a hitch. it was downright embarrassing what happened to some of our attendees. i would suggest you avoid GOA like the plague. that place is ridiculous and i didn't have a good feeling about it there even AFTER the walkthrough. LAME. like any other club in LA and I've been to almost all of them. Nothing changes with these places, they cater to the lamest people on earth and they all happen to live in the LA proper.

what did i learn? not to trust superiors. my boss simply proved his mediocrity. the other boss just proved he wrote a check his ass couldnt cash. i will spare the details, it was pfft.

saturday, i got busy and did some springish cleaning, got my car details, washed my slipcover and clothes. then i got invited to a house party in the hills. perfect. there was a shuttle that would take us up yonder to the manse. party bracelets were necessary. i invited james and ryan to come with me.

we got there and our names weren't on the list. we immediately fixed that situation with a call to tara from motley bird. soon we were in a town car up to the party where I met up with maryanne and ki-moon. it was lame but the booze was free. the crowd wasn't packed but we liked the people watching aspect. soon kev and austin were with us. austin had latched himself onto a beat up coke user who looked like samantha jones w/ no plastic surgery and a heidi klum haircut. kev called her the BFG. yes he pulled out a Roald Dahl reference for her. I was deemed the Margarita Queen by the Margarita King and then met up with the Stratus owners. Lunch sometime this week is set with them about coverage of their events.

paris rolled up, and beckham was supposed to be there but these "Beckham's" were clearly look a likes. we got bored and decided to head home. we drank all night which means i climbed into bed with my sausage croissant, hash browns and oj as the son rose. i haven't done that in so long.

lots of thoughts about FL, especially on Sunday. he would have hated the weekend I had. And for that I am totally annoyed. why did he hate my lifestyle so much. what is so wrong about dancing, drinking a bit, meeting people who enjoy the same things you do and hearing good music. what was he put off by? the dress code? the annoying hollywood vibe? after awhile you get past that...he never could hang or get down with it. he wouldn't fight it, he would tolerate it and pull it out as ammo later about how different we were.

i spent plenty of nights at home with him not being out. i can say in the last month since he left, i've been out ALOT. and I've met alot of people. and i'm going to keep rocking it regardless.

lights, camera, action...

2008-04-18T00:22:00.000-07:00

my sister is snoring on the couch.
i just bristled and cooed simultaneously at my Mom for announcing her love for me.
she doesn't emote so gently very often.
and im nervous as shit about our event tomorrow night.
ugh.

i've had words with so many people. had to bribe, persuade and deny so much shit. i mean, the world of gossip is simply the definition of the word gossip

chitchat: light informal conversation for social occasions

dish the dirt: wag one's tongue; speak about others and reveal secrets or intimacies; "She won't dish the dirt"

a report (often malicious) about the behavior of other people; "the divorce caused much gossip"

a person given to gossiping and divulging personal information about others

chew the fat: talk socially without exchanging too much information; "the men were sitting in the cafe and shooting the breeze"
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Gossip consists of casual or idle talk of any sort, sometimes (but not always) slanderous and/or devoted to discussing others. Compare ''''.

chew on that. um, im most excited to party with my friends cat, james, josh and vee. long time crew. LOVE those folks. not one thing could really take that away. its sort of brilliant all the shit we've been through. we're just friends, nothing changes, nothing stays the same.

alot of chatter today anywhoo about the people set to attend. celebs, non celebs we shall see but i'm excited for this to happen. finally. ive snapped on so many people lately but in this way that is only met with understanding. and the fact that i'm a woman coming unglued.

best part of waking up

2008-04-16T17:44:00.001-07:00

i woke up this morning and did my usual routine. rushed at a slow pace.

i smoked a cig out back on my mini-patio, its really a cube of cement and then a fence. i watched this woman across the street and she absolutely fascinates me. she's absurd. here's why...

she had a sign on her front door that said

"no weirdos, freaks, gang members or faggots"

then some American flags drawn in crayon and "thank you! "

and i thought, bitch are you serious? that's about the rudest thing ever. this is not lynchburgh, va - this is not the deep south you are in california on a block that used to be owned by the 18th Street Gang. They will shank you, period and I'd let them. who DOES that? its 2008 you live in a neighborhood with gays, trannies, ethnic folks and the like, if you dont like it, please get the fuck out of here.

i hate that type of dissension. the kind that people impose on others. i dont feel oppressed when i see her tired ass sign, i feel sorry for her. are you that concerned? really? cause CL and westside rentals are filled to the brim with open vacancies in an area that won't drive you mad. it was very taxi driver of her to put up that sign and i get that, but it does her no favors. now im just waiting for her to go 5150.

i spent too much time pondering her, giving myself emphysema and i need to make smoothies, lay out my clothes the night before and take a good shower. not focus on negative energy so soon first thing. i do thank the sun. and thank awakening. its a beautiful thing to wake up everyday.

im planning this event for the magazine and its stressful. no money, means everybody in your business. but its also keeping my mind off of FL. though i had a dream about him last night. actually, he's been piercing my astral world with his energy. he'd love that i'm even talking about that.

last week, i awoke to what i thought with complete certainty, was him calling my name
"Wynter. Wyn!" I heard. Ugh, that killed. last night, i dreamed that he was with me walking and then i was joined by my ex from way back.

his energy is missing from my life but not like its lost. he's just not here. because it was so abrupt, i guess to me, to go from talking everyday to not talking at all, i feel like it was a band-aid that was ripped off. but because it had to be done, i guess im just dealing anyway i can by not thinking about it so much. contrary to what is written in the blog, day to day i dont obsess over him, there is nothing to be done.

the only thing im working on now, is letting go of regret and thoughts of failure. we had an amazing relationship and it brought alot out of me, I got over repressed sexual energy, feeling unfeminine, thinking i'll never fall in love. dude, i got to be in love! like the real mushy, movie thing. and it was real.

how great is that! if your relationship fails, women should rejoice in being in love, its a wonderful thing. even if it fails - you were one of the ones who got to do it! isn't that something? its a lot!

that is unless he was a douche. then i can't help you, the signs were all there you just didn't know it. thats another blog topic.

songs i hate and now they mean something: vol 1.

2008-04-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

When You Were Young
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now ... here he comes!

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

Can we climb this mountain
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go

We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane that started turning
When you were young
When you were young

And sometimes you close your eyes
and see the place where you used to live
When you were young

They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young
(He talks like a gentlemen, like you imagined when)
When you were young

I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But more than you'll ever know

best of the rest

2008-04-11T16:56:00.000-07:00

most blogs about women, who are single, and in their 20's. are full of dating recaps, girl's night outs and sex.

the before and latter minus the girls night out is not what yer gonna see for the near future. i say near because my desire is to bounce out of this fucking pool of despair very soon. and i will.

i went out with schwartz yesterday and had a blast with her and her baby son, jack as usual. we have been friends for almost 10 years. we've had one major fight in that entire time. friendship is something i dont take likely and i have learned the real importance as i've grown older. recently an old friend came back into my life. i hadn't seen her in over a year and when i sat down at Urth Cafe on Melrose to have a tea with her before rushing to a dinner with some PR friends of mine, i have to tell you that it was refreshing. seeing someone after a long time where there was no conversation i was happy to see her. the story is not worth repeating, she made a decision the rest of the mean girls didn't agree with. it was childish and motivated by selfishness, our actions. she was a selfish person once, she knows.

a year is a long time, and it reminded me of what would or could happen if i sat down w/ FL a year from now. its not the same, she was never my lover but the moment we sat down we talked and laughed like no more than a day had passed since we last saw each other. it was brilliant! we'll call her Lala. Lala and I spent the next hour of our meeting talking about the next stage of our relationship. designating wha boundaries we would set up. i saw maturity and fear in her - she doesn't want to be burned again. she still cares about our relationship but what touched me most was how she said she relied on our relationship for support and its because of who i am. when i changed my position in her eyes she felt torn and hurt. i get that and i understood. it made me realize how our words cut like a knife. she never forgot the words that made her decide not to be my friend anymore. and i hadn't even pinpointed what it could have been. more than ever its important to be present and focused. that's just the way its gotta be.

i can't imagine sitting down w/ FL for now and feeling healed. (Lala mentioned she wasn't all the way healed herself) i would still feel like everything that we've been through hurts my heart. last night i hung out with my friend jennifer and she's just so much fun. she's really smart, her opinion always valid she listens to me and calls me on my shit. i appreciate that. i debuted my skinny margarita. had not had that before and it was delish. i learned about it from my favorite guilty pleasure - "real housewives of new york" and bethenny frankel who is a healthy cooking chef.

here she is making it...its SO good. it tastes JUST like a margarita and its supposedly HALF the calories.

Bethenny's Skinny Margarita: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHtrFXb1s40

This is what I did last night at Pink Taco with Jenn, I ordered tequilla, soda water, Rose's lime juice, that's it. It was delicious.

Here's to a skinny summer. Hopefully, you know not if i keep each nachos.

break up guide

2008-04-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

i bought a couple books. felt too cheesy buying one solely on getting over break ups. i dont need to know women are from mars and the rest of that bullshit. i went to bodhi tree and that just angered me.

there it was in black and white in about 5 books, aquarius women and scorpio men are just not compatible. ha. thanks. one book even dared to show couples of the same equation, ashton and demi, julia and danny moder. except the men are the aquas.

here's a link I found which sums up the tragedy...

COUPLED-UP THEY ARE . . . out of breath trying to make this relationship work.These two signs are "square" each other which makes getting along a bit challenging.

that fucking sucks.

i dont even want to believe it but the stars, dem dey don't lie. we were doomed from the start. so much so different. i'm loud, he's quiet. i'm social, he's not. i feel too deep, he touches the surface. i hate his friends, he hates mine.

but the inner mechanisms of why people are attracted to each other can't be denied either. we did get along MOST of the time, we did enjoy each other's friends MOST of the time, I didn't have an opinion about his friends (who were mostly his family) because I didn't hang out with them and made a choice not to because he was so weird. and he was WEIRD about it because he'd never done it before.

if you started doing something, ANYTHING for the first time there is no telling what the outcome of your actions would be. but I was so stunned from how badly the family outings were that I simply shutdown and refused and did not push the issue.

its fine. i dont plan on kicking it with them losers anytime soon. thank god for that.

the main event

2008-04-07T20:25:00.001-07:00

i haven't heard from FL nor do I plan to.

i guess i'm still numb to the whole thing. i broke down a little on saturday. the fact that i woke on saturday without having him in my life. i'd been going to work everyday forcing a smile that eventually became real. then saturday arrived and i was beside myself. i miss him alot. i miss his voice and his quirky behavior. he was a strange bird.

im trying to get up the energy to go to the fucking gym. its three block away, you'd think i could make that happen and i can't do it. its so pathetic. i can't conjure an excuse to why i'm not there now. the LA cold has been especially bitter and nippy and walking up there alone is not what I'm afraid of, its just walking up there past his house. we eventually lived 4 blocks apart which was a blessing and a curse. it was fun because seeing each other had become so much easier and less drama than if we lived together. but the curse was if he wasn't having any of it, he'd bolt in a heartbeat and make me suffer. leaving a trail of his bratty energy all over my LR floor.
he helped me outfit the apartment with shelves, and he bought me other little accoutrement's to accessorize the bungalow. i asked God to give me my own place in 2008 and I got it and I still dont believe it. I asked for a bungalow and got one.

the best part about the breakup is living alone. i can dwell in it without judgment. without the pesky questions from roommates who only HALF care about your life, they are just waiting to talk about themselves. i can listen to sad ass music for hours on end without comment. i can shuffle around the house miserable and not pose as if i was shooting sunshine out my ass.
the downside is that i'm lonely. i miss his companionship and laughing about stupid stuff.

the question is do i miss the newness of the beginning part of our relationship or the memory of him or him?

i know that i have to hurry up and digest that bitter pill because its making me lack a personality. and i'm big on personality.

57 Things About Me

2008-04-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

1. I was born in San Francisco.
2. I've lived in LA twice. I first lived in Inglewood, CA from 1983-1986(age 3 to 6) and consider that period one of the most interesting in my life.
3. I burned my sister when I was 7 with a cup of noodles and my mom kicked my ass.
4. I've never been pregnant
5. I don't have a great relationship with my extended family on both sides.
6. This bothers me a great deal and is of no fault of my own.
7. I taught myself to read and write faster than my parents could teach me. The TV helped.
8. I didn't know my times tables until middle school
9. I hated school and spent most days not paying attention
10. I always did well on finals and tests.
11. Creativity is in my blood.
12. I've met all of my childhood crushes except Michael J. Fox
13. I have taught myself how to do almost everything I’m good at (using books and the web). Including drawing and graphic art, HTML and CSS, knitting, spinning, crocheting, soapmaking and other miscellaneous crafts.
14. I believe that gays and lesbians have every right to live, love and marry just like straight people do. Your sexual preference has absolutely no bearing on my opinion of you.
15. I am a very open-minded person and respect a persons right to live however they want to, so long as you do not hurt another person in doing so.
16. I pity those who put down others based on their personal beliefs, and I can not respect those who attempt to force their beliefs on others. Particularly vicious PETA members and bible thumpers, conservatives...even some liberals.
17. I can't wait to have kids so I can teach them to be great human beings and to respect others regardless of sex, race, religion, disability, sexuality, how they look, or how they dress.
18. I watched my aunt go through her bi-polar fits and thought it was normal.
19. I've been late to work several times because I was busy having sex with my ex-boyfriend.
20. I don't get shitfaced, and I haven't been shitfaced since I was 23.
21. I spent 5 days in jail for punching a cop,
22. My charges were dropped to a misdemeanor on the 4th day, i had to do 180 hours of community service.
23. I have one tattoo on my forearm that is terrible - it says "Seek and Destroy" in courier font.
24. I think I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.
25. I don’t care if someone doesn’t like me. There are people I don’t like too.
26. I'm a nerd. I love science and technology.
27. I was excited when I bought my Audi, but the cost of gas has made me lose that loving feeling.
28. I dont listen to voice mails from people I do and don't know. I only check my vm to free up the space.
29. I've been to almost every state in the US.
30. I love to read, but I can not stand wasting time by just reading.
31. I already have all my baby names picked out: Maisie, Avocette, Sebastian, Oliver, and Atherton
32. I started washing and cleaning when I was 4. My Dad and grandparents were adamant about cleaning.
33. I dont like folding or washing clothes period and its my most hated task.
34. I live out of my car if I can help it.
35. I dont get jealous of people - I dont want what other people HAVE, i want it for myself in my own way.
36. I hate my body and have hated it for so long I don't remember when I loved it.
37. I use my favorite sad songs to push tears to the surface if I can't muster them.
38. I can hide it when I dont respect/or lose respect for someone.
39. I hate when people think something about me that couldn't be further from the truth yet I dont have to desire to prove otherwise
40. I am afraid of failure not success.
41. Hanging out with my exes lets me know that I did something right if they are my ex.
42. I believe anytime a man opens his mouth he is lying.
43. I sucked my thumb until I was 7, I stopped when my mom took me to a hypnotist.
44. I believe that hypnotist left my chakras open to take in negative energy. I am going to find one to close them.
45. I believe I am psychic and have had several premonitions.
46. But I believe more in my intuition.
47. I'm obsessed with the internet.
48. I hate snails, insect eggs and moths more than spiders.
49. I am not afraid of the RIAA. I spent so much money on music going up I feel entitled.
50. I only pay for music from artists I'm huge fans of: Madonna, Bjork, Radiohead, Kanye...a few more.
51. I only drink beer if that's ALL you have.
52. I've seen Evil Dead, Dumb & Dumber, Friday, Don't Be A Menace, Picture Perfect, and All About Eve over 30 times.
53. I dream about being thin.
54. I grew up gangly and weird, then my ass popped and thighs came after.
55. I was embarrassed by my curves growing up and I regret that.
56. I had my first orgasm when I was 4.
57. I got into trouble alot growing up for being a busybody and know it all.

the lady in red is back to black

2008-04-05T11:12:00.000-07:00

its not a sob story. we should have never moved in together.

the story in between when we met and when we fell apart and when he moved to argentina is not important. at least not important enough for a full recap here and now. he left because status quo wasn't enough and frankly it wasn't enough for me either.

incidentally, coulda, shoulda, woulda is my favorite sex and the city episode.

we should have lived apart, spent less time together and more time dealing with our selves.

i didn't really discuss living with him w/ others. i didn't want many people's opinions on how i lead my life and when i did tell people, they didn't have much to offer in terms of advice, just a resounding "dont do it".

what does that mean? give me more information, don't hold back. but no one could really put into words what it meant to live with someone w/o confirmation that this person will love you till the end of days. and if it that person does in fact love you, till the end of days, that they will continue to want to watch you take a piss, or pick your nose, wear your worst rags. i got so little accomplished living with FL. everyday felt bizarre. detached.

it was the worst decision in hindsight. we simply were not ready. i hadn't really felt settled at my job, i didn't love my job. he was unsure about his own. i wasn't on the lease. we had too much furniture and an enormous television that felt like a 3rd roommate, really i had too much stuff and it overwhelmed him. i was domesticated but not overly fussy but i felt like he should share how he felt and he could do that whenever he wanted.

what did it mean for me though? what did i want?

a mortgage, marriage and a baby. two babies. four at the most.

im not getting tht anytime soon and im ok with that. for now.

i miss FL, i wish him love and luck and happiness. such an awesome soul, i know this is best.

goal oriented.

2008-04-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

i wanted this blog to be mostly about focusing on my mental health and weight loss. whatever discussed in between is just fodder and bitchy chat. hard for me to feel bitchy when i discuss FL so until we meet again he's not going to be as huge a topic as the breakup itself. his name, aura, spirit and energy has enveloped me for nearly three years...now its back to me.

my goals, while vast and wide have to be honed for sake of content and interest...

my goal weight is 145. it was 150 but i thoght that was a cop out and too close to being almost 200. that sounds warped and fucked but in my head i dont want to be under the hump.

ideally i'd like to have th, this sounds fucked but who the fuck cares, a woman needs inspiration and goddammit i work in an industry that judges people. i finally came to the decision that i am being judged.

like today, i went to work in sweats. the fact that my pants were $100 james perse lounge sweats and a SPARKLE MOTION shirt. google it. i think that i am cool for this.

ok sparkle motion is a reference from donnie darko.

that night

2008-04-04T13:16:00.000-07:00

i rolled my eyes and took his business card. as i sauntered off, swinging my ass, he pushed it knee into my butt. Considering the way he looked, all dejected, wasted, glassy eyed behind his eyeglasses, torn flannel ,raver jeans and white tennis shoes that were now yellowish, i did not expect that gesture. i looked back at him. no shit eating grin, no lewd and lascivious theatrics, just his eyes right into mine and a sheepish half smile.

our date was one week later. it was strange, and exciting and i was my best fake self. i was overly confident, talkative and excited about life. i was zesty about life. he met me at my house, and he was nervous. we ate a terrible salad and he took videos and pictures of me when i wasn't looking. later i'd see them on his computer, me posing so well. pretending to be more woman than he can handle. it was the first date where i had so much fun.

i liked hearing what he had to say. i thought he was a total weirdo, but i liked his opinion. it was firm but shrouded in marshmellows. "no offense, just not my taste..." he said about a couple of shows i popped into the tivo. we decided to rent a video, "dumb and dumber" we both could agree on that, it was in fact one of our favorite movies.
we didn't make it past the soup de jour/sea bass incident before we were making out and soon in my bed. the moment i took my clothes off, his hands were all over my newly toned body. "wow, you're a real woman" he said and i took the lead - as i often do. i looked down at him while i straddled him and asked "how old are you?" he was 23. i was 25. i felt 60 to his 15. mentally.

i'd done this a lot of times, seduced someone, let them seduce me, fall into breathless pants and then wake the next day only to regret just how overtly sexual and incompatible me and said suitor were. no, not this time. that scared the shit out of me. he loved me body. he looked at it, ran his hands over it, made certain areas his favorite and not all of them sexual. he was afraid to show me his scar on his foot from an accident where he almost lost it. he showed stoic fear - thinking i was the typical girl who'd find those things gross and unseemly. it was remarkable. it was right at the moment, i knew i was supposed to be with him. didn't know how long, but that we were supposed to do great things together.

he came early. i got nervous. did i suck? does he suck? was this stupid? is that it?

"i'm sorry...are you mad?"
"are you kidding, sweetheart its fine"
"you're nice"
"so are you"
"and hot."
"you too"

this was our pet talk for what seemed like months, through holidays, trips, mini-squabbles, parties, getogethers, we were able to just be ourselves; both just wounded animals, trekking through the plains. looking for shelter, support, warmth. when did the moment collapse? the moment we began sharing the same address.